It didn't take long for people to figure out that Johnny and I were together. The backlash was astounding. Fans were angry and lashed out accordingly. Neither one of us addressed it. It didn't matter anyway. I didn't owe anyone an explanation. It was my life and I intended to live it the way Demi would have wanted me to. We weren't exactly flaunting it either. I was still on wobbly legs and like I said before, we weren't super serious.
The band worked hard on the second half of the album and when they finally finished it, there was a huge sense of relief. It was the most amazing therapy for everyone involved. Joe used Demi's guitars to track the lead guitar parts. It gave them a sense of normalcy to hear the familiar tones that her instruments brought to the music. He would end up bringing them with them when they toured and he'd play with a few of them live. It was how he felt connected to her. I didn't mind him using them since I really had no use for them. It was better than putting them in storage.
Throughout the course of their recording sessions without Demi, they allowed the film crew to continue filming and the results were quite interesting. Every breakdown, every success, and every struggle was caught on film. Once the documentary finally released, fans saw the more human side to the people that they idolized so much. It was also their last glimpse into Demi's life before she died.
The finished album was hard for me to listen to. Every time I heard her voice it stabbed at my heart reminding me that I'd never hear it again, at least not in person. This album was the last contribution she'd give to music. The six songs that she helped write would always be some of my favorites. I would always have all of her unreleased demos, but their was something about the finished product that drove a song home for me. She'd never finish any of it. Another cruel reminder that she was gone.
"Hey Sel." Jamie said getting my attention. "What do you want to do with these?" She asked holding up a handful of Demi's flannel shirts.
"I'm gonna keep those." I answered as I folded some t-shirts and placed them into a box.
It had taken me a while, but I was finally going through Demi's clothes. I gave everyone she was close to the chance to take what they wanted before I donated the rest. It wasn't easy for me to do but it needed to be done.
"What are you doing?" Johnny asked slightly alarmed as he stood in the doorway."
"Packing some of Demi's stuff."
"Why?" He asked slowly.
"I'm donating it." I smiled. "It will leave some room in the closet for your stuff." I added nonchalantly.
"I don't want my fucking shit in her closet!" He snapped. "You can't just throw her stuff out like she was never here!"
I was startled by his sudden outburst as were the rest of the people helping me. It took a lot for me to even take this step and to have him challenging me was painful to say the least.
"Stop putting her shit in boxes." He said angrily as he started to remove the clothes that had been packed.
I stood frozen in place. I couldn't move. I had no idea what I was supposed to. Jamie glanced at me before Lauren decided to intervene. The entire situation was bizarre.
"John." Lauren said softly. "Stop."
I watched as she moved over to him and grabbed his hands in hers. He had a death grip on one of her leather jackets.
"This is hers..." His voice broke.
"I know." Lauren spoke gently.
I watched as he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I understood exactly how he was feeling. I still had days where everything reminded me of her and I could barely breathe. I knew that at some point after getting rid of some of her stuff, I would regret it. I knew that it would be another obstacle for me to overcome, but I also knew that I had to do it. Each step forward was progress and progress was all I had.
I walked over to him and grabbed his hand. I could feel the slight tremor in his limbs as I led him outside onto the balcony. Fresh air always helped me calm down and I was hoping it might to the same for him. I wanted to help him, it hurt me to see him hurting and I understood his pain because it was also mine.
"I was just used to the way things were. This house is where I feel connected to her. It's all that's left of her you know?" He explained as we both stood there looking at the LA city line. "I know I sound stupid because it's just stuff, but it was her stuff and I wasn't expected to walk in and find you guys..."
"I have to." I interrupted him gently. "I'll go crazy if I don't."
"I know."
"I'm not getting rid of her, I'm just making room for everything else." I explained. "She will always be a part of me. Nothing changes that."
"I just miss her so much." He choked out before breaking down into sobs.
I immediately wrapped my arms around him. "Me too." I whispered through my own tears. "Me too."
He pulled away and wiped at his tears as he let out a long sigh. "Sorry." He said before pulling out a cigarette and lighting up. "I'm just having a bad day."
"Honestly." I said as I leaned against the balcony railing. "Me too."
"I just can't get used to this."
"I know." I sighed. "Me either. I was out the other day getting coffee and the entire time I just kept thinking about how we used to always go together. We'd get swarmed by paps and fans and she'd just smile and take pictures like it was normal. She's everywhere I go and everywhere we've ever been."
"I just....I don't know." He sighed. "She was that person I could talk to about anything. I miss that."
"Sometimes when I'm out, I'll hear someone laugh and it reminds me so much of her I'll hang around just to hear it again." I confessed.
"I'm really sorry Sel." He said glancing at me.
"It's not your fault."
"Still."
"I know."
He draped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me close. I could feel the exhaustion in his limbs as I settled against his sturdy frame. I missed Demi.
***
Album release day was huge. It also marked the beginning of their first world tour without Demi. It took them awhile to decide if they would find a new guitarist or have Matt play all the rhythm sections. In the end Joe decided it work better with another guitarist. The idea was to give him someone who could help with playing lead since he did a fair amount of vocals and some of the lead riffs were complicated.
They auditioned hundreds of people before finally settling on a friend of Lauren's. It was a mere coincidence that this person happened to be a female. Her name was Allison Hernandez and she was an amazing guitarist. She was the only person to walk into the room and pick up Demi's Flying V guitar without hesitating. At the time I thought maybe she didn't know, but afterwards she confirmed that she did.
Joe knew immediately that she was the one. She starting rehearsing with the band that day. The second she started, she made no attempt to replace Demi. She knew that wasn't something that could be done, instead she filled a hole that would otherwise be left empty. She was exactly what they needed. She played with passion and intensity and in all honesty, I think she reminded everyone of Demi. She had that fire and drive that everyone was drawn to.
They rehearsed for several weeks and before everyone knew it, it was opening night. Their was excitement and a sense of loss buzzing about the stadium as they waited for the stage to be set. The final opening band had finished and they were removing the last of their equipment.
"Nervous?" I asked as I stood next to Ally sidestage.
"You have no idea." She said as she shifted back and forth on the balls of her feet clutching her guitar tightly.
"You've already won them over." I smiled. "You'll see."
She smiled as Joe draped an arm over her shoulder. "You ready?" He asked.
"Yeah." She nodded. "I am."
"One minute." The stage manager said as he went to do last second checks.
Matt came up beside me and grabbed my hand. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and bowed his head. I could feel the anxiety radiating from his body. Once he had centered himself, he reached over and gave Ally's shoulder a squeeze.
"It's us against the world." He smiled at her. "We've got your back. Make sure you have ours."
She nodded her understanding and I watched as they huddled together, the five of them. None of those people would never be the same again. Four of them experienced a loss they would never truly understand and one of them was about to fill a void that seemed impossible. In any case, they were going to do it together and that was the essence of what that band was. A family.
The crowd erupted as soon as the lights dimmed. The first time I saw this intro it left me in tears. They wanted something that captured their pain and conveyed the loss that they had all suffered. You could hear Demi's voice as she talked about what the band meant to her. It was footage from an older interview. As soon as she was finish used speaking a video montage of news footage and reports from the day of the accident played followed by a rush of captured footage from when she was alive. It barely scratched the surface and it covered everything at the same time. When the video ended you could hear her laughter before the band played the first chords of Open Letter. I cried every time I saw it.
When the curtain gave way, the backdrop was an old black and white photo of Demi that showed her walking down the hallway of staples center with her guitar hanging of her back and her middle finger in the air. It captured her essence perfectly.
I watched as the band played the song and fed off the energy of the crowd. I was an emotional mess as I watched. Ally played like she'd done it a million times. The crowd was so loud it was hard to hear Matt as they sang along to every word, her words.
I was a roller coaster of emotion as I watched them play for the first time without Demi. The empty hole that had resided in my chest since her death ached. Her death was permanent and this was just another one of those things that reminded me of that.
"As you all know it's been a tough year for us." Matt said as he walked the stage. "When Demi died you guys lost an icon, a legend. We lost a sister...a best friend. I miss her everyday." Matt said as he sat at the end of the catwalk. "This songs for her." He finished as the band started to play.
They had written several songs about her and this was one that they put on the album. It was a beautiful song. I closed my eyes as Matt started to sing.
Will the faithful be rewarded
When we come to the end
Will I miss the final warning
From the lie that I have lived
Is there anybody calling
I can see the soul within
And I am not worthy
I am not worthy of this
Are you with me after all
Why can't I hear you
Are you with me through it all
Then why can't I feel you
Stay with me, don't let me go
Because there's nothing left at all
Stay with me, don't let me go
Until the Ashes of Eden fall
Will the darkness fall upon me
When the air is growing thin
Will the light begin to pull me
To its everlasting will
I can hear the voices haunting
There is nothing left to fear
And I am still calling
I am still calling to you
Are you with me after all
Why can't I hear you
Are you with me through it all
Then why can't I feel you
Stay with me, don't let me go
Because there's nothing left at all
Stay with me, don't let me go
Until the Ashes of Eden fall
(Don't let go)
Why can't I hear you
Stay with me, don't let me go
Because there's nothing left at all
Stay with me, don't let me go
Until the Ashes of Eden fall
Heaven above me, take my hand (Stay with me, don't let me go)
Shine until there's nothing left but you
Heaven above me, take my hand (Stay with me, don't let me go)
Shine until there's nothing left but you
When the song finished I was in tears. Matt let the crowd yell and cheer for a good five minutes before starting the next song. By the end of the set everyone was exhausted both physically and mentally. Instead of the usual loud and rowdy post show high, they were all quiet and subdued. It was going to take a while to get used to not having her here in this part of their lives.
Despite her absence, I knew she'd be proud of them. They played their asses off and that's why she loved them so much. They gave it all no matter what. It's how she lived life, all our nothing. And she gave each and everyone of us her all.