Six months later we were all standing with Matt and Val as they said their vows. It was a beautiful night time ceremony. Valary looked stunning and seeing Matt in a tux was probably the highlight of the night.
I held Nick's hand and I watched them dance as husband and wife for the first time. I couldn't help but imagine my wedding day. I could see Nick standing there with a smile on his face as I walked toward him.
Every once in a while my eyes would wander to Demi. She had started to see someone recently and she wasn't exactly my favorite person. She was a porn star named Chloe Bridges and I couldn't stand her. I referred to her as "Cocaine Chloe" whenever Demi wasn't around. I don't think Demi really took her seriously anyway.
Once they had finished their first dance, the DJ invited everyone else onto the dance floor. Nick pulled me out of my seat and led me out to the dance floor. I rested my head on his shoulder as we danced slowly. He held me close and pressed an occasional kiss to my hairline.
"Mind if I steal her for a few?" Johnny asked politely.
"Not at all." Nick grinned as he took my hand and placed it in Johnny's.
Surprisingly, he was a very good dancer.
"Ballroom lessons." He explained. "My grandma insisted."
"I'm impressed." I said as he moved us around the dance floor.
"What's up with that chick?" He asked as he glanced at Chloe. "She's got lips like a fucking sucker fish."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Be nice."
I scolded.
"Lips like that are only good for one thing..."
"Johnny!" I said in disbelief as he spun me around and pulled me back closer to him.
"I don't like her Sel. She's shady." He said softly in my ear.
"Then tell Demi." I suggested.
"I did." He explained as he dipped me and brought me back up. "She blows me off."
"I guess it's her problem then. There's no way that's even a real relationship. She makes a living getting fucked on camera." I grumbled.
"You're telling me that you're ok with this?" He questioned, making eye contact.
"Why would it matter?" I sighed.
"You know exactly why." He said
cryptically.
"Johnny. Don't." I warned.
"Ok. Fine." He said giving in. "Since I love and respect you, I'm gonna drop it. But don't say I didn't warn you when something bad happens."
We finished dancing and he gave me a quick peck on lips before he walked me back to Nick and headed toward the bar. By the end of the night I figured he'd be completely drunk and wouldn't even remember the conversation. He was notorious for that. He'd drink until he passed out almost on a nightly basis.
As soon as she saw Johnny walk away she made her way toward me. She had a drink in her hand and a smirk on her lips. She looked like trouble with a capital T.
After Nick and I had reconciled I distanced myself from her a bit. We were still close, just not as close as before. I was careful not be overly affectionate and I did my best not to appear interested. She didn't seem fazed by it at first. I did notice that she had started drinking heavily again and that her moods were often quite unpredictable. I had no way of knowing if her recent changes had anything to do with me, or if they were jut part of the endless cycle of addiction. Because let's be real here, she was an addict.
As she approached me, I noticed her eyes were focused on my plunging neckline. She was never a very subtle person. There was a slight disconnect, she didn't care if people knew what she was thinking, and based on the way she was looking at me right now, I had a pretty good idea.
"Hey." She grinned.
"Hi." I said in response.
She still hadn't made eye contact. I cleared my throat and spoke again.
"My face Demi." I said as I hooked a finger under her chin and lifted. "Is up here."
"I'm aware." She smirked. "You're not exactly wearing a dress that says look at my face." She shrugged.
"Good point." I laughed.
"How is Nick treating you?" She asked, suddenly serious.
"Good." I answered carefully. "Why?"
"Just wondering." She sighed. "Making small talk." She added as she downed the rest of her drink.
"Demi..."
She didn't have a chance to respond. Chloe walked over and started hanging all over her. If I would've known then that she would be the final straw that pushed Demi over the edge, I would've drug her out by her hair and put her in the streets where she belonged. Instead, I just smiled as she latched onto a person that I loved more than I was able to understand at the time.
"Baby." She purred into Demi's ear.
"Let's go find a little privacy."
Demi kissed her and I couldn't help but frown.
"I'll talk to you later." I said with a tight lipped smile before I turned and walked away.
I spotted Jamie over at the bar so I made my way over to her. I needed to vent and she was basically the person that bore the weight of all my problems and troubles. She was a great listener.
"Uh oh." She said as I approached. "You've got that look...."
"Am I that transparent?"
"Basically...yes." She smiled. "What happened?"
"I'm worried about Demi." I explained as I settled onto a stool next to her.
"You're not worried." She laughed as she took a sip of wine. "You're jealous. If you were worried you'd do something about the problem."
"I am not!" I said defensively. "I am in a loving relationship. I have no reason to be jealous."
"What about when you weren't happy?" She questioned. "You and I both know she was a band aid of sorts for you. I'm not sure if you've let go of that yet."
"I...holy shit." I sighed heavily. "I'm fucking jealous."
"The first step is acceptance." She said as squeezed my shoulder. "How are things with Nick?"
"Perfect." I groaned. "He's been perfect. I just don't like that woman. Why couldn't you and Demi just stay together. You're pretty, you're smart..."
"Ok first of all." Jamie chuckled lightly. "We were never together. It never would have worked anyway. We had a fun night and that was about it. Second, if I was with Demi you and I probably wouldn't even be friends. You and I both know why that woman bothers you. You're only bothered when Demi is paying attention to someone that isn't you."
"That's not true." I said shaking my head. "I just want her to have something good. She deserves that."
"Selena..."
"Im serious."
"Ok. Fine. If that's true then look at her right now. She looks happy. Let it go."
I scanned the crowd until I spotted her with Chloe. They were pretty much dry humping on the dance floor. No one seemed to notice. The music was loud the liquor was flowing. Everyone was having a good time. I saw Nick dancing with Val, they were both laughing and living in the moment. My eyes drifted back to Demi. She looked happy, at least from here. I picked up a glass of wine and took a long drink. By the time I sat the glass back down on the counter, I stuffed whatever feelings I had down somewhere deep inside where they would either eat me alive or die.
Jamie was right. I was being unreasonable and selfish and it wasn't fair to anyone. I loved Demi very much, but I still wasn't sure what that meant. I was having difficulty understanding. It wasn't exactly something I was used to. I was never one of those scandalous people that had secrets and illicit relationships. Sometime my friendship with Demi felt like a secret affair. We were never inappropriate, except for that time in Brazil, but even then the boundaries were clear. We never crossed the line into physical intimacy.
"You're trying to keep her in a little box all to yourself. You can't Sel. She's not yours and you need to stop acting like she is." Jamie said softly.
"I don't mean to. I just..."
"It doesn't matter. You can't." She interrupted gently. "Both of you are blurring the lines. It's not going to end well."
"I know." I whispered.
The rest of the night was a blur. I joined the party and carried on as if everything was just fine. Deep down I knew it wasn't but it really didn't matter. I didn't have the answers and I certainly had no way to remedy the situation. I decided to cling to the little bit of happiness I did have, and that was a Nick.
Despite my best efforts, I kept thinking about Demi.
I found her later that night outside, barefoot in the grass holding a bottle of champagne. She looked stunning. Her long brown hair was messy and wild. She stumbled around a bit then sat down. Against my better judgment, I walked toward her.
"Are you stalking me?" She asked causing me to jump.
"No." I said quickly. I sounded guilty.
"Then quite being creepy and come sit." She chuckled.
"Are you sure?" I asked awkwardly.
"What's going on between us?" She asked as I settled in next to her.
"What do you mean?" I deflected. She didn't even ease into it.
She sighed. "You know what I'm talking about. It can't just be me. I'm losing my fucking mind here Sel. Talk to me."
"It's complicated. I just...I don't even know."
"But you admit that there is fact something happening?"
"Yes."
"What do we do?" She asked.
"I think we should leave it be. I'm in love with someone Demi."
"We ignore it then?" She asked in disbelief. "That doesn't seem like a good plan Sel. We're both adults. I think we need to hash this out. I know you think I'm just drunk and I won't remember this, but that's not the case. I remember every single detail about you. I see the way you look at me and it fucking kills me."
"Can I be honest with you?" I asked nervously.
"Always." She smiled.
"I think I might be in love with you." I whispered. "I'm in love with both of you."
It felt as if a weight had been lifted off my chest. Saying the words out loud made them real. I was in love with two different people for completely different reasons. The problem was I could only be with one of them. This was the moment when I had choose. We both know who'd I choose, but I had to say it to her. I had to do what was fair. I had to let her go.
"Tell me what you need and I'll give it to you."
"I need you to let me love Nick. That's what I need." I said as my voice trembled.
"Ok." She smiled sadly. "I can do that."
"Now what?" I sighed.
"We move forward." She shrugged. "I should get back to Chloe." She added as she pushed herself up to her feet.
"That's it?"
"Yup."
I suddenly felt extremely unsettled.
"Demi?"
"What?!" She snapped. "Don't make this a bigger deal than it needs to be. You chose. And that's fine. I can live with that. Hopefully you can as well."
"What does that even mean?" I questioned. "What are you not telling me?"
"Have you ever asked yourself what Nick does with all the time he spends away from you? Has that ever set off any alarms?" She asked as she narrowed her eyes at me.
"Are you saying..."
"I'm not saying anything. It's just a question." She interrupted.
"What kind of a fucking question is that!?" I asked slightly annoyed.
"One that you should find the answer to." She answered before walking away.
I quickly stood and ran after her. "Demi wait!" I called out.
She turned around and pinned me against the wall. I immediately felt my throat constrict as my heart hammered in my chest.
"What?" She asked through clenched teeth.
"I........"
I couldn't speak. I felt her hands cup my face. She ran her thumb across my lips and I kissed it softly. I leaned in to kiss her and she pulled back. Once again we were straddling a thin line. As I looked into her eyes I could see the struggle.
"We can't do this." She panted. "Not like this. I won't."
"Please." I whispered as our foreheads touched. "I need to know..."
My hormones were controlling my brain. What I needed was to walk away, instead I was begging her to kiss me. I wanted so desperately to taste her lips. I knew I was being a complete asshole and completely contradicting myself, but I couldn't help it.
"Don't do this." She begged. "Don't make me into this person. Don't be that girl. I can't say no to you...don't ask me to do this."
"Why does this hurt so much?" I asked sadly as a single tear rolled down my cheek.
"Because it was meant to." She breathed as she slowly backed away from me.
I immediately missed her closeness.
"Don't hate me."
"Thats not possible." She smiled despite the hurt she had to be feeling.
I watched as she walked away leaving me with an empty feeling in my chest. I immediately started to doubt myself. What did she mean when she told me to check up on Nick? Did she know something that I didn't or was she just angry and lashing out?
That night I couldn't sleep. My encounter with Demi kept replaying over and over in my head. I rolled over and looked at Nick. I knew him. I knew his heart and I knew he'd never hurt me by being unfaithful. We'd been through so much together. I had to trust him.
***
The days that followed the wedding were busy and I barely had time to catch my breath. Nick was up my ass constantly and I had very little time for myself. I had avoided Demi for the most part. I was feeling extremely self conscious about the confession that I had made to her. I didn't know how I was supposed to conduct myself around her.
It didn't take long for her to force me to figure it out though. Surprisingly it wasn't as complicated as I thought it would be. She treated me completely normal. And by completely normal I mean she'd show up at my office randomly, usually drunk wanting to hang out. Today was one of those days.
"Demi." I said using a tone of voice you'd normally use with a child. "What are you doing?"
She wasn't being abnoxious or difficult, I just found her presense to be slightly distracting. She collapsed on the black leather sofa in my office and let out a long sigh.
"I'm taking a break." She answered.
"A break? From what?"
"Recording."
"Wait. What? You guys don't have studio time scheduled..." I said confused.
"Not with the band. Joe and I are working on something." She explained.
"You and Joe are working together?" I asked trying not to laugh.
"Yes." She answered narrowing her eyes at me. "Why is that so hard for everyone to believe?" She asked in an exasperated sigh.
"Oh I don't know." I chuckled as I sifted through paperwork. "Probably because the two of you bicker and whine at each other like brother and sister. I wouldn't be suprised if one of you sits there while the other declares I'm not touching you."
"Whatever." She said rolling her eyes. "When you hear what we're working on you're gonna feel like a little cunt for being mean." She smirked.
I laughed. "Demi!"
"I'm just saying. Me and Joe are fucking awesome and the rest of you are assholes." She said pretending to be serious.
"If you say so." I shook my head.
"Sel." She said my name like it was a question.
"Hmm?" I mumbled as I continued to go through paperwork.
"How are you doing?"
I stopped what I was doing and looked up at her. She had a very serious expression on her face. I knew what she was asking and why.
"I'm good." I answered gently.
"Ok." She nodded. "I'm happy to hear that." She smiled. "And on that note, you look busy and I've got some shit to take care of. I'll see you later."
"It was good seeing you." I said as she stood and walked out of my office.
"Bye." She said over her shoulder.
Once she had left I spent the rest of the morning reviewing contracts and various other legal documents. By the time lunch rolled around I felt like my eyeballs were going to fall out of my head. I was exhausted. I heard a soft knock at my door and looked up to see Val waiting."
"Hey." I smiled brightly. "Come in. Have a seat."
She walked in and closed the door behind her. Whatever she had to say was private. I stopped what I was doing and gave her my full attention.
"Is everything ok?" I asked as she sat across from me.
"I'm pregnant." She blurt out with a smile.
"Oh my god!" I said excitedly. "That's amazing!"
"Thank you." She said as I stood to hug her.
"How far along?" I asked.
"Twelve weeks." She answered.
"Does Matt know?"
"Yes and he's so excited." She gushed.
"I'm so happy for you guys." I smiled. "This is wonderful news."
"He's going to tell the rest of the band today."
We continued talking and I started to think about Nick. Maybe it was time he and I discussed marriage and the possibility of a family. We had been together for so long yet we'd never really discussed it. It seemed like a natural next step. At least it did to me. I wanted kids and I wasn't exactly getting any younger.
I stayed late at the office in hopes that I could finish all my work and I wouldn't have to take any home this weekend. It had been busy week and I wanted nothing more than to relax without any worries or stress.
By the time I arrived home, Nick was fast asleep, snoring in our bed. I gently rolled him over and the snoring stopped. Quietly I crawled into bed a snuggled up against him. I was out within minutes.
***
I woke up to the sound of Nick playing drums in the music room. I was slightly annoyed but when I glanced at the clock I realized that I was being unreasonable. It was nearly noon. He let me sleep in which is something that I didn't do often.
I reluctantly drug myself out of bed and made my way into the kitchen. Thankfully, he had brewed a pot of coffee. I smiled when I realized he woke me up on purpose. I poured a cup and joined him in the music room. He smiled and stopped playing as soon as I walked in.
"Mornin babe" He said cheerfully.
"You let me sleep in" I smiled.
"Of course. You work hard." He said sweetly.
"What are the plans for today?"
"I don't know." He shrugged. "I figured we could go have some lunch and just hang out."
"Sounds perfect. Lets take a shower." I grinned.
"You don't have to tell me twice." He said as he quickly stood up and followed me to the bathroom.
I stepped under the hot water and let out a content sigh. I felt Nicks arms wrap around my waist as he joined me. I leaned back against him as I felt his lips on my neck. I turned around so we were facing each other, and reached behind him, grabbing the shampoo. I squeezed some into my hands then lathered it up. I gently massaged the shampoo into Nick's hair as he stood there staring at me with a lopsided grin.
He tilted his head back and rinsed his hair out. I pressed a soft kiss to his chest as he ran his hands through his hair. I picked up the shower sponge and covered it in body wash. He stood still while I scrubbed his body. Once he was rinsed off, he washed my hair as well as my body, returning the favor.
We had the same routine everytime we showered together. Sometimes shower time included sex, but not today. I was starving and in a hurry to get out and go get food.
It turns out our peaceful day together wasn't so peaceful. Paparazzi followed us everywhere and it seemed like every ten feet someone stopped and asked for a picture or autograph. I could tell Nick was frustrated but he played nice.
When we finally returned home, he was slightly agitated and wanted to take a nap. I opted to stay up and watch TV.
There several shows that I had recorded that I wanted to catch up on. I barely got fifteen minutes into an episode of Scandal, when I heard a knock at my door.
I opened the door to find Demi.
"Do you have a minute?" She asked as she walked in without being invited.
"Would it matter if I said no?" I asked annoyed at her intrusion.
"I have to tell you something." She said as she took a deep breath. "It's about this." She held up her heavily bandaged arm. "It wasn't an accident..."
"What the hell?!" I said in shock.
"Calm down." She frowned as she sat on the couch.
"You did that on purpose? Why?" I questioned.
"Chloe pissed me off and she wouldn't get out of the car. We had been fighting all night and I lost it. I punched through the window so I could unlock the door and make her get out. I hit it pretty hard. I didn't mean to..."
"You're fucking insane!" I interrupted in disbelief. "You're lucky that there wasn't any severe nerve damage."
"I know..." She sighed.
"What the hell were you thinking?!"
"I wasn't." She mumbled.
"Obviously." I said crossing my arms. "Let's not even talk about the fact that you were going to drag her out of the car." I added angrily.
"Holy shit Selena!" She said in frustration. "I don't need a fucking lecture."
"When does it stop Demi? You have a problem and the sooner you admit it the better off you'll be."
"Oh please." She scoffed. "This is such bullshit. I don't see you lecturing Johnny."
"Johnny doesn't punch through windows trying to drag his girlfriend out of cars."
"I don't have time for this shit." She grumbled, shaking her head.
"Of course not because that would mean accepting responsibility and lord knows you can't do that."
"You know what?" She snapped.
"What?" I asked with attitude.
"You're a bitch!" She said angrily.
"That's fine." I said calmly. "I am perfectly fine with that."
"Fuck you."
"Ok." I laughed in disbelief. "This is getting good."
If looks could kill the one she was giving me would have me dead in seconds. I wasn't going to let her win. Not this time. This was the first time that I'd go head to head with her addictions and unfortunately, it wouldn't be the last. There was no excuse for her behavior and I wasn't going to let her make one.
"Fuck this." She said as she stood and walked toward the door.
"Let me know how the blame game works out for you." I called out to her as she left.
I wasn't surprised when she didn't respond. I was however suprised when she slammed the door as hard as she could. She was starting to become very angry all the time. It was actually becoming a problem. Somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach, something just didn't feel right. Instead of trusting my instincts, I ignored them and I would continue to do so until everything just sort of fell apart.
Anytime anyone ever asks me if I could go back and change something, what would it be? I always answer that I would change the moment that I just sat there and did nothing. If I would have done something that day, besides piss her off, the next three years probably wouldn't have happened.
And believe me when I say the next three years were bad. Very bad.