At any other moment, Juice might have welcomed his brother's embrace. Now it felt oppressive. He longed for Raine; he wanted to wrap his arms around his friend, pull him close to his chest. Accepting he couldn't, was one of the toughest things he had ever done. If it was up to him, he would have driven to the hospital right away, finding a place where they could meet secretly. He however, knew it would only worse the stress his friend felt. He had told Juice not to come, and he had to respect his wishes.
Chibs pulled back his arms. "Wha's goin' on Juicy?"
A few tears slipped between his eyelashes. Roughly, he wiped his shoulder across his cheek. "My friend's sister... she died. He... he called me."
He noticed the small frown between Chibs' eyebrows. He could hear him think. What friend? Since when does Juice have friends, besides us and Skye?
"Did he ask you to come?"
Juice shook his head and sniffed. "No," he said quietly. "He – he just informed me."
Chibs held his glance and squeezed his shoulder. "We will handle this. You better not be distracted."
Juice wiped his eyes and nose, nodding. Then he pulled his burner out of his pocket and handed it to Chibs. The man pulled him into a hug once more; then he turned to the others, who were casting questioning glances at him.
Juice bent his head and shoved his boot across the ground. He felt weak because he couldn't shake this off. But he wasn't like the others, who could shove their feelings to the side like they meant nothing.
A loud rumbling rose as the bikes started to leave the lot.
Juice went home. Mouse was working. Unexpectedly heavy, the loneliness hit him; making him wish he had gone with the guys, so he would have had at least some distraction. But he couldn't look weak or unstable – not when they were negotiating with a new ally.
He grabbed his phone to text Raine. You wanna meet me tonight? His fingers floated above the screen. After a short hesitation he added: I can stay with you tonight if you like?
For a long time, he stared at his phone. No answer came. Had he been too forward? Nervously, he scratched the inside of his wrist. What if he took this the wrong way? He hadn't wanted to suggest spending the night together; he had pictured himself on the couch or something...
He squeezed his eyes. Don't drive yourself crazy, he told himself. Right now, he has other things on his mind than answering a pile of texts.
To distract himself he started his PlayStation; redirecting his emotions into aggression, making him hammer the buttons while killing pixels. He was so immersed in it that he jolted when fingers stroked his Mohawk.
"How long have you been sitting here?" Mouse's voice sounded.
Shrugging his shoulders, he continued to play.
"Pause it."
Sighing like a spoiled brat, he obeyed. She knelt down in front of him and looked up to him. "Your eyes are red. What happened Juice?"
He looked into her eyes, feeling the despair return. "Rosa."
Her name left his lips in a whisper. Only now, he realized how sore his throat felt – he hadn't been aware of how thirsty he was. It must have been hours since he drank something.
"She – she died. And I – I can't do nothing to help him." His bottom lip started to quiver.
She sat down next to him and wrapped her arms around him. "That's horrible. Were they able to say goodbye?"
"I don't know. I could only say a few words to him before Chibs interrupted us. He – he wanted to hear my voice. I feel so horrible for not being able to be there for him, Mouse. I can't – I can't even go to her funeral."
"Of course you can. We'll just pretend Rosa was my friend in high school. As far as they know you're my boyfriend, so it's not that strange if you come with me for support. Plus, I'm convinced that they have enough decency not to make comments about someone's presence at a funeral.
Shakily, he breathed out. The thought that he could at least be near Raine, calmed him down a little – at least enough to get up and get himself something to drink.
As he returned to the living room, the screen of his phone was lighting up. Quickly he took it from the table and read the text. His heart was racing in his chest.
Esai will be around the next few days, so that's not an option. I don't know right now, I'm sorry.
The disappointment was sharp like a razor. He couldn't swallow the lump in his throat. His fingers were trembling as he typed: I wish I could be there for you.
He held his breath as he noticed that Raine was typing a reply. Was he pushy? He didn't know how to interpret his friend's last sentence. I know.
Juice swallowed once more. There was pit in his stomach. Should he reply?
The screen lit up again. But even when you're not here, you're a great help. Thinking about you calms me down a little. Even when it makes me miss you more.
Despite the horrible situation, something warm roared in his stomach. A strange feeling spread through his limbs. I miss you, too, he wrote back.
Then he bent his head, not knowing what more he could say.
. . .
Raine felt exhausted. The hours passed by in a blur. Even at the moments he wasn't arranging things, his mind was restless. He only slept a few hours, being a victim of total collapse. These were the heaviest days of his life; there were tons of people he needed to talk to while he wanted to be alone. His father was a mess, little Sasha didn't understand what was happening... Sammy did all she could to help, but her sudden crying jags were worsening each day and her grief made her forgetful, so Raine couldn't fully rely on her. He didn't blame her – it broke his heart to see her like this. It was a small relief that Esai took care of her, but every time he saw how his best friend wrapped an arm around his sister's shoulders, he missed an arm around his own shoulders.
Not Esai's arm, but Juice's.
They texted each other a few times a day, but it didn't make him miss him any less.
Today was the day of the funeral – maybe he could visit Juice thereafter. He felt ashamed of his thoughts, but for a little while he really wanted to be away from his family and not feel responsible for them. This morning, his uncle and aunt from Santo Padre had arrived, they would look after Sasha. Yet, he didn't ask Juice since he had no idea how he felt after the funeral. Maybe he just wanted to sleep.
It became a tough, emotional day. The memorial was beautiful, but all he could do was stare forward numbly. The farewell speech he had written, he read almost emotionless. He didn't cry during the memorial; he wanted to be strong for his family. He would allow the tears once he was alone.
When the memorial was over, it was time for the funeral. Raine lifted Sasha and put her on his hip, while he wrapped an arm around his sister's shoulders as they walked to the exit. People respectfully bent their heads but he stared at the door. He couldn't stand another sympathetic glance.
The rain wasn't pouring down, like he had seen in movies. It was a beautiful day; the sun was shining and the birds were chirping like this was just an ordinary day. As if the world didn't care that his little sister was no longer here.
In a silent procession, they walked to the grave. He and his closest family members right after the coffin, his brothers not far behind him. Their presence was a great help, but at the same time, they also kept away the person he needed the most.
The paths around the grave filled up. He didn't know all the faces, but they radiated the same defeat. Suddenly, he caught a glimpse of purple hair. He stepped a little to the side to look past a tall man and discovered that his first impression had been right; it was Skye. His eyes shot to the person who had wrapped an arm around her waist.
Juice.
His glance was answered immediately. He wasn't wearing his kutte and had put a baseball cap on his head. Although most people wouldn't wear it to a funeral, it attracted less attention than his head tats and Mohawk would have done. His lips were trembling as he gave Raine a sad smile. He looked unsure, as if he doubted Raine wanted him around.
Raine felt a cramping sensation in his chest. His body longed for his warmth and he knew he couldn't immerse himself in it right now. To make sure he wouldn't lose himself in his pain, he purposefully didn't look into Juice's direction anymore as the ceremony proceeded.
. . .
Juice's stomach hurt. Funerals weren't nice events in itself, but having the feeling that you were unwanted, made everything worse. Although Raine had briefly looked at him, he hadn't turned his head towards them after that. All Juice could think, was that this was a big mistake and that he had invaded too deeply into his friend's personal space. He had hoped his presence would give him strength – he couldn't have been more wrong.
He should have simply asked him – if he wanted him around. He however, hadn't wanted to cause him more stress; Raine had enough trouble on his mind. A few Mayans had recognized him, but the moment he had rubbed Skye's back in a soothing gesture, they understood she had been the one to know Rosa and that he was not a threat.
The ceremony came to an end. Slowly, people started to move. His fingers were shaking as he searched for Skye's hand, who gave him an encouraging squeeze. In his other hand, he was holding a bouquet of flowers which he laid down on the grave. He stared at the red granite tombstone, to the cold letters. Tears stung in his eyes. Almost desperately he looked at Raine, but his friend avoided his glance.
Pursing his lips, he walked away from the grave.
"I shouldn't have come here," he whispered. "He wasn't comfortable with it."
Skye sighed softly. "Don't feel bad about it, sweetheart. Maybe you spooked him. But you also had a right to say your goodbyes to Rosa. You've come to know her pretty well, the past weeks."
Juice bent his head and shuffled to the parking lot. Right before his foot stepped on the concrete, his phone was buzzing. His heart skipped a beat as he saw a text from Raine.
Please don't leave. Could you wait until everyone's gone?
A tear rolled down his cheek – this time caused by relief. Yeah sure, he answered.
He showed the text to Skye, who gave him another squeeze. "He wants to be alone with you."
Even though it was inappropriate, he felt his cheeks flush. They retreated to the side of the parking lot. More and more people left the cemetery, the Mayans included. When Esai also walked by, an arm wrapped around Sammy while he was holding Sasha's hand, Skye gave him a little push.
He slipped back on the path and walked back to the grave.
Raine had crouched down in front of it as if his legs could no longer support him. Juice glanced around; they were alone. Gravel crunched underneath his boots as he neared his friend. When there were just a few steps left, his friend looked to the side and got up. His eyes were filled with tears. Raine turned towards him and wrapped his arms around him. Juice pulled him to his chest. The moment he closed his arms around the man, his shoulders started to shake and he started to cry, pressing his face against Juice's shoulder.
Juice had noticed he hadn't shed a single tear today; only now he seemed ready to let go of his pain. He had no idea what he could do. Probably nothing. He just held his friend in his arms, stroking his back.
Raine held him tighter as he started to cry harder. His pain was so raw, so intense... it cut him like a knife. Tears were burning in his own eyes and silently, they started to drip down.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry."
Sobbing, Raine took a deep breath, trying to control his breathing again. "Thank you for being here," he sniffed, wiping his sleeve across his eyes. His hands settled on Juice's hips and he rested his forehead against Juice's. The heat of his sadness made Juice shiver. His fingers were slightly trembling as he moved his hand to Raine's face and caressed his cheek.
"When you didn't look at me anymore I thought you didn't want me around," he said quietly.
"I already feared so." As Juice lowered his hand, Raine's fingers laced with those of him. "It hurt – being separated from you while you were so close. Not looking at you made it easier – I was afraid I would break otherwise and I wanted to be strong for Sammy and Sasha."
Juice's thumb brushed his friend's. Despite the fact that Raine called up such strong feelings inside him, it was hard to believe the same happened to his friend. That he was the one Raine wanted to be with right now; whose consolation he craved for.
"Is your family waiting for you?" Juice asked hesitantly.
"They will go to my father's place. I told them I need some time alone, the past days were a chaos. I... I need to recharge." He looked up to Juice. "Can I stay with you tonight?"
He didn't have to give it a thought. "Of course." His lips lingered on Raine's forehead, before his own forehead took their place again. "I would really like that."
Raine's arms glided around him, where after they lost themselves in an intimate embrace. "You have no idea how much you mean to me, Juice. For the first time since Rosa is gone, I have the feeling my heart is still beating. It feels like I can finally breathe again, without fearing to choke."
Juice closed his eyes when the words hit him like a truck. Never before had he had the feeling he really mattered; he always assumed that he was replaceable. Even for Mouse. It was a very surreal moment, hearing words like these – knowing that he was someone's tower of strength without doing anything.
His presence was enough.
Right at that moment, Juice promised himself to always be there for Raine. Whatever would come their way.