Juice didn't answer immediately, instead he let Raine's words settle. The words "I'm in love too" kept echoing through his head. Despite their difficult situation it made the tinglings rush through his veins.
"We could leave," he said eventually. He bit his lip. It was a very drastic measure of which he didn't know whether he would ever want or dare to take that step. His cheeks started to flush as his friend looked at him. "I don't mean anytime soon... But imagine that our feelings won't go away.... then we could confess to our clubs that we're in love and that we want to be together, stressing that we understand their disapproval and that patching out might be the only way."
"How do you think that will go?" Raine sighed. "They will feel betrayed. We choose someone of another club over our own club."
"It would be a compromise." If it turned out that he really loved Raine and that hiding his feelings from the world was making him unhappy, he wanted to believe that his brothers cared enough about him to want him to be happy, even when he had to pay a heavy price for it. He bent his head. "I'm not sure I could," he said honestly. "The club is everything I have and I... I'm not good in relationships. If things doesn't work out like we hope... we have given up the most important thing in our lives for it. But it could be an option... one day."
Raine rubbed his temples. "I had intended not to think about this at all anytime soon."
"Then we won't. We'll put it to rest for a couple of months, okay? We're not making a decision anytime soon anyway; we wanted to build a friendship first." His fingers cramped. He stretched out his hand to Raine's. Very lightly, his fingertips stroked the back of Raine's hand. For a moment he thought the man wanted to pull his arm away, then he turned his hand, his palm upwards.
Juice hesitated, then he pulled back his arm himself and sighed.
"I think I need firm borders," he said quietly. His head already felt heavy because of the constant fight in it. What was he allowed to do, what not? Which affect did their touches have, was it making things easier or more difficult for them? "I know I said that we might unnecessary make things harder for ourselves by blocking all our feelings... but every time I touch you I want more." A little nervous he pursed his lips. He felt safe enough around Raine to tell him the truth, but it wasn't easy.
"I feel the same." Raine smiled a little sadly. "I kissed you twice today, both times unintentionally. Maybe we should stick to a hug. Don't do things we wouldn't do with others?"
Juice thought about the electricity he had felt when they touched, and he remembered how heavenly Raine's lips had felt in his neck. Something had awakened inside him, something that had never been there, and even now he recalled the touches in his memory, waves of tinglings rolled over him. Yet, he nodded. "Yeah... I guess that's for the best."
Raine kept his glance as if he wanted to decide whether he was speaking the truth or not. "One last kiss?" he asked, a shy smile on his lips. "Would you mind? Just to make sure we won't wonder for the rest of our lives how it would have been?"
Suddenly his mouth felt dry. "You mean – a real one?"
The Mayan lifted the corner of his mouth. "Or are you not ready yet to kiss a man?"
It indeed was something he wouldn't have wanted a few weeks ago. Now however, his tongue already started to tingle at the thought of it. "Yes I do," he whispered. "I do want to kiss you."
Although Juice had kissed with so many girls he had lost count years ago, he suddenly felt so nervous it felt like his very first kiss.
Raine turned a little more towards him. His brown eyes found Juice's and when their eyes locked, the nervousness faded. The Mayan lifted his hand and cupped Juice's jaw, his middle finger resting upon the top of his ear. The skin underneath it was tingling and he closed his eyes. As if that had been a sign Raine waited for, he pressed his lips against Juice's.
Juice's fingers glided to the back of Raine's neck, as if he was afraid that the man would change his mind. The pressure of his lips wasn't compelling, but he was determined. He laid a kiss on Raine's bottom lip. His nose slightly brushed the other's, making him tilt his head a little. Raine moved his hand, his thumb grazing over his auricle. Goosebumps traveled down his neck. His lips parted, with his tongue he traced Raine's bottom lip until his tongue found the of the other. Tenderly they swirled around. It was no hot, desperate kiss; rather a careful one, one full of emotion. Every stroke made him glow on the inside. His fingers glided across the muscles in Raine's neck, his other hand he laid against the side of the man's head.
He didn't know who of them broke the kiss; maybe they both felt instinctively that it was better to stop. The taste of the man was still tingling on his tongue, sending warm waves through his whole body.
There was no disappointment waiting for him because it might have been the last time. In some weird manner it was a comfort, knowing they shared something so deep. Something fragile which they wanted to treat very carefully.
"For a Son, you're not a bad kisser," Raine said with a slight smirk. "Although you're not that good that I'm gonna miss it." His eyes were sparkling.
"Liar." He laid his hand across Raine's chest and felt his pounding heart. "The only reason you ain't gonna miss it, is because you heart can't take it if we do it more often."
"That's just an act. I don't wanna hurt your ego."
Juice felt the longing to kiss him again; instead he shoved back a little. "My ego got a real boost today because even a man was begging a kiss from me."
"Begging?" Raine huffed, nudging his shoulder. "I was doing you a favor."
Chuckling, Juice got up, even though there was a large pile of stones in his stomach, threatening to pull down the corners of his mouth.
The moment they both left the room, they knew it had been their last kiss.
In the weeks that followed, they didn't mention it again.
They were friends – just friends.
. . .
Weeks passed by. Juice helped with the preparations of the fundraiser, although he couldn't be present on the day itself. Twice a week he visit Raine's home. There were no more intimate moments; they made sure there were always other family members around and when Raine came to his home, Mouse was keeping them company. They however still had their deep conversations, often by the end of the day. If a sudden longing did announce itself, it was easier to leave. Somehow, the men found a way to push back their feelings and it seemed to go a little easier every day.
At least, that was what they showed each other.
For deep inside Juice, it felt like a piece of him was missing. A piece only Raine had access to and which he had hidden safely. Something the man cherished and with which he was careful – but which he didn't dared to return, nor to place back himself – and as time went by, it felt like he didn't even dare to mention it anymore.
As if not speaking about their feelings would take them away.
. . .
Juice checked his munition and shoved his gun behind his waistband. Weapons would be delivered today. A first delivery from a new party; like always it caused some stress. Meetings like that were always hard to predict; it wouldn't be the first time that expectations were not met by one of the parties.
He just left the clubhouse when his phone rang. Since he was the handler, he expected it to be a confirming call from their supplier, but when he took the device out of his pocket he realized it wasn't his burner.
A strange feeling settled in his stomach as he read Raine's name – he never called during the day. Unrest spread through his body as he pressed the phone against his ear. "Hey."
"Hey." The man sounded quiet, fragile. His breathing heavy, Juice even thought to hear him sniffle.
"Are you okay?"
"No." Now, he was clearly sobbing. "I – I just needed to hear your voice, even though you can't come over. I – Rosa is... Rosa died."
"W-what?" Juice froze. A few days ago Rosa had been hospitalized because of an infection. Yesterday, things seemed to get better but now...
"Her heart just stopped," he whispered.
Tears jumped in Juice's eyes. The news hit him like a freight train.
"Juice!" His brothers were already on their bikes, Jax gave him an impatient look.
Juice gestured for them to leave and turned away from them as he wiped the tears from his eyes. He couldn't break down now, Raine needed him.
"I come to you."
"No, you can't Juice. My brothers are already on their way, Esai's here..."
Juice breathed in sharply. He felt so lost, knowing his friend went through hell while there was nothing he could do to help him.
"Juice..." This time it was Chibs who showed up next to him. "Wha's goin' on lad?"
Juice felt how he started to shake. "It's not fair," he whispered. "It's so fucking unfair..."
"Juice!" Chibs' voice sounded compelling.
It seemed to startle Raine, for he ended the call. Tears were clouding Juice's eyes. Lost, he looked at Chibs, as if the man could tell him what to do.
But there was nothing he could do, for nobody could know they knew each other. It was so fucking unfair.
His stomach hurt, he was staggering on his feet.
"Aye, Juicy," Chibs soothed, and the next moment the Scot pulled him into his arms and held him tight.