Juice stared at her.
She was joking, right? This had to be a fucking joke!
"That doesn't make sense!" he said at the sight of her serious face. "I'm not gay!"
"You told me yourself you wanted to kiss him," she answered calmly.
"But that doesn't mean that – that..." He simply couldn't find the right words. Could it be true? Did he have feelings for a man? He thought back to the tingling's he had felt, to how excited he had been, to the fact he couldn't get that Mayan out of his head. "It's not like that. It's just – just... If he had been a girl, I'm sure I would have fallen for her. But... but..."
"Then what's the difference, babe?"
"The difference?!" he called out. "He has a dick! He's a guy!" That thought alone made him feel sick to the stomach. "I'm not gay!"
Mouse sighed softly. "Okay baby. If you say so." She kissed his head, got up and left him alone on the balcony.
Juice bent over. His elbows leaning on his knees, his head in his hands.
Was she right? Had he fallen in love with the Mayan? But one couldn't just become gay all of a sudden, right? He was 28, he should've noticed longings like that, right? Now and then he had gotten a glimpse of gay porn in Cara Cara, but it had never turned him on. The idea that he would take a dick in his mouth or that someone would fuck his ass, chilled him to the bone. No – he didn't want any of that! It was fucking gross. He loved chicks, he loved tits, he loved pussy.
He got up and went back into the apartment. Mouse was sitting cross-legged on the couch, a magazine in her lap.
"Maybe I was just jealous," he said. "Because he has such a perfect body."
She looked up, smiling a bit sadly at him. "Okay."
She didn't believe him.
"Or maybe I was just seeing things. Maybe I wasn't really turned on..." Sighing, he kept his mouth shut. Even now when he thought back to Raine's bare chest and flat stomach, he felt how the blood was starting to flow faster through his veins, encouraging something to flutter in his stomach.
"I don't know," he whispered. He sat down at the couch and rubbed his face.
Skye knew him better than anyone. In every other situation, he would have believed her right away.
"When I think about sex with a guy I just feel sick. Then – then I can't possibly want something like that, right?"
"Why would you want sex right away? The first time I fell in love, it took months before I was ready to have sex. The same might go for you. A longing like that can grow."
He was silent for a while. "You really think I'm in love with him?" he asked quietly. He didn't dare to look at her, afraid of her answer.
"Even before today I asked myself that question. You are... different since you met him. Quieter. Often lost in thoughts. And there's always such a cute smile on your lips when you're playing with the Rubik's Cube. But watching you being all nervous today, and seeing your cheeks flush when he looked at you... and knowing about the panic you felt when you saw him half naked... Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're in love, Juice."
He bit his lip. Somewhere deep, deep inside of him he knew she was right.
He had fallen for a guy – no matter how much he hated it.
He rubbed his eyes as they started to itch. That friendship he had craved for the past weeks... it would never happen. He would never even dare to look at Raine again.
"How on earth is this even possible? How stupid am I if I can even ruin a friendship by falling for the guy?!"
"Hey c'mon... Don't say things like that." Mouse wrapped her arms around him. "He felt pretty confused when you left. He told me he likes hanging out with you... and he admitted he also felt something... special. I'm not sure if it's friendship or more, but I'm sure he can deal with your feelings baby, even if they're not mutual."
"I'll never dare to look him in the eye again," he muttered. "And I'm sure as hell not going to tell him."
"Just give yourself some time to get used to the idea. Then..."
"I don't want to get used to it! I don't want these feelings!" He scraped across his scalp with his fingernails. "This is typical me, right?! I haven't been in love for years and now I'm falling for a guy and a Mayan? Can it be more out of my league?! I just have to forget about him. Just let him believe I didn't trust him. That's better than the truth."
"Don't you want to give it a chance at all?" Skye asked. "What if he really is your soulmate?"
He flinched. A few hours ago he had asked himself the same question – on a friendship level. What if it went even further?
Was there a chance that Raine had the same feelings for him? He remembered how they were standing in line for hotdogs today. At some point they had stared into each other's eyes, and he had wondered if he had really seen a blush on the guy's cheeks. The memory shot tingling's through his whole body. His heart was racing in his chest, and suddenly the thought that he would never look into those eyes again made him cramp up.
"I don't know," he answered quietly. "I don't think I'll ever dare to look at him again."
"Oh, I'm sure you will. Hmm... I still have that date with him. Of course he's all yours now, but maybe I can find out if he's bi? I mean – I'm bisexual too, so it will be easy to talk about it."
Juice pursed his lips. Was that something he wanted?
"Okay," he said softly, a blush creeping up to his cheeks. But he trusted Mouse with his life, and he was sure she could subtly direct their conversation into that direction.
. . .
Juice felt like his nerves were about to burst out of his body. It had been weeks since he had spoken to Raine. Mouse had taken him home a few times, but Juice always made sure that he wasn't around.
Yesterday however, Raine had texted him to hear if he planned to come to the fundraiser he had organised for his little sister. Juice hadn't dared to say no – not even when he found out they were going to swim laps to earn money.
And right now, he was standing on the edge of the swimming pool.
Raine just climbed out of the pool. His skin was glistening with water and the drops seemed to trace the lines of his muscles. His swimsuit was clinging to his skin, giving Juice the assumption that he was well endowed.
The man looked up. A shock traveled through Juice's body when their eyes met. His knees felt weak; he was terrified he would faint right there. It felt as if he was struck by lightning.
Raine gave him a simple nod and turned around.
Feeling lost, Juice stayed behind.
He participated in the activities, even though he didn't know anyone. He was very aware of the fact that he was wearing a swimsuit – and more importantly, that Raine was wearing one. More than once that perfect body resulted in a hell of a boner and Juice had the feeling everyone could see it. People were whispering, pointing at him.
He started to feel uncomfortable. What the hell was he doing here anyway? Quickening his pace, he headed for his bike. He startled when Raine showed up in front of him, blocking his way. Nonchalantly, he leaned against a wall. His glance crossed Juice's, then it wandered down his body.
Juice's breathing sped up immediately.
"H-hi," Juice muttered.
Raine lifted the corner of his mouth – and only now, Juice realized how hot that grin was. His heartbeat sped up – almost alarmingly high.
"You wanna kiss me Juice?" Raine asked.
Juice widened his eyes. "W-what?"
He held his gaze.
"M-maybe," he stammered.
"Then fuckin' kiss me man."
Juice's eyes almost popped out of his head. "W-what?"
With a quick movement, Raine pushed him against the wall. He was afraid to pass out when he felt Raine's erection against his own. Fuck – was this really happening?
And then, Raine's lips were on his.
It was a rough, greedy kiss. One filling him with fire. Raine's hands shoved across his chest, every touch making him sigh in longing. His lips left Raine's, he moved them across his stubbly jaw, to his neck. His fingers found the muscles he'd been so impressed by.
"Sit down on your knees," Raine told him. "Blow me."
Before Juice knew it, he was sitting on his knees. He didn't know if he was ready for this – although his throbbing erection tried to convince him he was. Nevertheless, he felt so nervous he was close to vomiting. Raine's fingers glided to the edge of his swimsuit. Juice's throat felt dry. He looked over his shoulder – where were the others?
Something just didn't feel right... His body felt too heavy, his head too light. His glance shot back to Raine's waist; the man was toying with his waistband.
Suddenly his knee moved forward, hitting Juice in the eye. He fell backwards, his head hitting the ground.
"Fuckin' faggot," Raine grunted. "You're a disgrace to the biker community."
Juice tried to get up, but someone kicked his head.
Suddenly, there were dozens of people around him. They were wearing kuttes – he saw Mayans, but also his own brothers. They all kicked him, spat on him.
Juice cried out, trying to crawl away from them. There were too many of them, there was nothing he could do.
"Chibs..." he whispered between bloody lips when his sponsor knelt down next to him."Chibs, help me..."
"Ye disgraced us, lad." Something shiny caught his eye, a moment later he felt how his brother grabbed his arm and pushed a dagger against it.
Juice screamed when Chibs started to cut the Reaper from his flesh.
. . .
Panting, Juice sat up straight. His heart was hammering in his chest, his whole body was cramped up. He could still feel the boots kicking his sides, his stomach. The Reaper was burning on his skin, as if the knife was still stripping off his flesh. With shaking fingers he reached for the nightlight. A moment later a bright light lit up his bedroom.
He was okay. His tattoo was still intact.
He was home, in bed. It had just been a nightmare.
He wiped his eyes; apparently he'd been crying in his sleep.
"A dream... It was just a dream, Juice," he told himself, taking a few deep breaths.
It however, didn't feel like a dream – it felt more like a foreshadowing.
Something that might happen one day, if he failed to get rid of his feelings for Raine. Slipping out of bed, he staggered to the bathroom. There he splashed water in his face.
He couldn't shake off the nightmare.
Something convinced him that everyone would be really disgusted with him if they found out about his feelings.
They would all be sickened by him.
His brothers.
Raine himself.
Everyone he knew.