OKAY so I know I don't usually post two days in a row - but I finished this today and fell IN LOVE with it so you get it very soon after my last update haha. From the request of Personwholovesfruit (it tagged you!?) I give you this - a pretty short, pretty angsty, pretty fluffy, Logince Shot. This fic is a lot fluffier than most of the angst shots I write, so keep that in mind (there is a lot of angst, tho, I promise) I just thought y'all might like something that ended a little happier lol
WARNINGS: Angst, secrets, blood, injuries, implied self-harm, suicidal thoughts, hopeless thinking, infinitesimal food mention.
Also, Logince!
HERE WE GOOOO
Kintsugi - a Japanese art form in which breaks and repairs are treated as part of the object's history. Broken ceramics are carefully mended by artisans with a lacquer resin mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. The repairs are visible — yet somehow beautiful.
Logan hadn't realized how secretive Roman really was until they got together. It was casual, at first. That was fine, as Logan was not very fond of expressing feelings. Roman expressed enough feelings for the both of them, though as they grew closer Logan found that the feelings he expressed were not always the ones he was feeling. Roman was generally confident, loud about anything he did well. It was infuriating, but endearing.
"Roman," Logan asked one night as they lay in bed beside each other. Roman hummed, rolling over to look at him. "Why have you not fixed your mirror?"
He knew it was a strange question, but it had been bothering him for some time now. The large, full-length mirror on Roman's wall was cracked in places, some bigger than others, with one quite large crack in the center. With Roman being in control of everything in the mind palace - as he was creativity, it made no sense to leave it broken.
Roman didn't answer right away, he just looked from Logan to the mirror, sitting up. Logan followed suit, worry growing.
"Roman?"
"I can't." Roman finally confessed, a tired smile crossing his face. Logan had gotten better at recognizing Roman's state of mind, the past few months. He was upset, while moments earlier he'd been content and happy. But that made no sense. Why would Roman be unable to fix his own mirror?
"Why?" Logan raised an eyebrow. "You are creativity, aren't you? This room... it is purely you. Why can't you fix it - or is this a metaphorical inability?"
"The mirror..." Roman stared with a sad smile over at the mirror in question. "The mirror isn't something I created. I can't change it."
"Why is it here, then?" Logan asked irritably. "Who created it in your room?"
"I don't know." Roman sighed, looking at him worriedly. "I'm sorry, Logan. I know that must drive you crazy."
"It..." Logan adjusted his glasses, shaking his head. "It's alright, Roman. You can't just know everything, even if you want to." It would bug him, yes. But that was alright. "Do you know anything about it?"
Roman paused again, the way Logan knew meant he was choosing his words carefully - so unlike the person he pretended to be around the others. It warmed Logan's heart knowing that Roman was more genuine with him.
"The cracks change." he finally stated, speaking slowly and softly. "They change depending on... how I feel."
"What?" Logan frowned. "I thought you couldn't change it."
"I can't change it on purpose." Roman sighed, looking away. "But, whenever I feel insecure, or upset, or stressed, there are more cracks. Each crack represents something, I think. Not sure what represents what, but after a stressful audition, some go away. And if we take a break after a long creative push, some go away."
"Why?" Logan couldn't help but ask, even though he knew Roman had no answer. As expected, Roman just shook his head.
"I don't know, Logan." he sighed, exhausted. "I just know that sometimes I feel worse about myself, and there are more cracks. I do know that being with you has helped, immensely."
"Me?" Logan raised an eyebrow.
"Just learning that you, I don't know, like me the way I liked you. It took some fear and stress away. And you... you see things more clearly sometimes. It helps. Not with everything, but it does."
"Oh." Logan leaned against his boyfriend's shoulder, eyes falling back to the mirror despite himself. Roman sighed softly, and in an unspoken agreement they lay back down, sitting in comfortable silence.
From that day on, Logan had a cheat system for knowing how his boyfriend felt. It wasn't really a cheat system, as Roman had told him about it. He would look at the mirror when he could, noting the circumstances of the changes within the cracks. And on days he wasn't sure why the one in the center had grown, stretching toward one corner, he would sit with Roman on his bed, or in the imagination, or watching Disney movies, and attempt to make him feel better.
Logan wasn't good at feelings - not dealing with them. He knew the science behind them - and he'd been studying psychology more and more for both Sanders Sides videos and for Roman - trying to understand the swings. The highs, the lows.
Roman didn't always have an answer, Logan found. Not one that he was willing to admit. He would see the way Roman breathed in as if to speak but just shook his head instead after Logan asked what was wrong.
So, over the months, Logan watched the mirror change. Small cracks around the edges, fading and growing over time. The one in the center - always there, never shrinking. It would expand occasionally, before going weeks at a time with no change to that crack whatsoever. Roman never talked about that one. He would sometimes mention smaller ones. Ones that vanished after a hard week, or a stressful moment. But when Logan tried to help, he just found himself pushed away. Roman wasn't willing to share yet, what bothered him so greatly. And Logan was beginning to worry.
The crack had reached the edge of the mirror, he saw one day when he woke in Roman's arms. It was wide, splitting the mirror nearly in two pieces, and the path it followed - jagged, and unlike a crack caused by one strike - made Logan wonder what on earth it could represent. And why it was so large. And why it hadn't left.
Roman made himself scarce that day, leaving just after breakfast.
Logan intended to follow - but was distracted as he found Patton in the middle of a breakdown - sobbing about the hundreds of suffering people on earth.
The issue took some time to resolve, but Logan finally managed to calm Patton and get him a plate of cookies.
Then he went up to Roman's room, knocking gently, more worried than ever when there was no response.
"Roman?" he called, opening the door slowly. "I-" Logan felt a chill race over him when he stepped inside - greeted by a sight he'd never even imagined.
The mirror was shattered.
Shards of the reflective glass covered the floor - as did droplets and spatters of blood.
Among the shards - cruel and jagged, unforgiving, lay Roman.
"Roman." Logan's voice was choked, and he forced himself to kneel at his boyfriends side. The glass stabbed into him, though he didn't feel pain. He never had - he was least affected by the imaginary world they all lived in.
Roman, on the other hand, was the most affected.
He always had been, Logan knew that.
But still, the sight of Roman's hands and face - sliced open and bleeding, staining his shirt red - horrified him.
"No - Roman, no." Logan's hands shook as he put a finger to Roman's neck, and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt the dull thumping of his pulse. "Roman? Can you hear me?"
Roman did not respond, but Logan figured that might be a good thing. He would freak out, always a drama king - though less so than he pretended.
Logan gently lifted Roman from the glass, making sure none was on his clothes or skin before putting him on the bed and bandaging the wounds. Roman remained asleep, and Logan was haunted by the broken mirror, standing there so innocently.
In an attempt to clean, Logan reached for a shard of glass only to find some invisible barrier stopping him from touching it. As if it - just an object - knew what he wanted to do.
"...Logan?" Logan whirled around, going to Roman's side instantly. He would worry about the mirror another time.
"Roman, dearest," Logan found himself choked up but swallowed and continued. "What happened?"
"Wh- I..." Roman blinked tears away, taking in the injuries he'd suffered on his arms, hands, and face. "It hurts."
"I know, I did my best, but-"
"No." Roman's voice was defeated, and he turned a gaze glassy with tears to Logan. "Everything. Everything hurts. It always hurts."
"What are you talking about?"
"Just... existing." Roman breathed, staring up at the ceiling. "It hurts so much, I hate it. I hate existing."
"No." Logan tried to mask his sudden panic, shaking his head. "Roman, that's not true. You're going to be okay - we can fix this."
"No, we can't!" Roman's voice cracked miserably. "We can't fix it, Logan. I told you, I can't control things I didn't create."
"Why not?" Logan snapped, irritated. Roman stared at him. "Well? You can eat the food Patton summons. Why can't you fix a mirror?"
"I..." Roman winced, face twisted in agony, and Logan hated it. "It's just not how things work."
"We can try, Roman," Logan said, nearly begging. "We can learn, we can... we can do what we can do." Roman said nothing, just stared up at the ceiling again. "Please, Roman. There has to be something better than ceasing to exist."
"Something." Roman hummed, eyes fluttering closed as he ran a finger along Logan's knuckles. "Just one thing?"
"One." Logan whispered. One thing that Roman could build upon - use as a base to restack his life. One thing that could start to undo the months of damage that Logan had missed, somehow.
"You," Roman said, voice barely above a whisper.
"Wh- what?" Logan sat back, surprised.
"You're something." Roman hummed to himself. "I think."
"Of course... I am a metaphysical-"
"Something better." Roman clarified, still not opening his eyes. "You're so much better."
"...I don't understand."
"You... you're something... you kept me together this long, Lo." Logan bit his lip, filled with unknown emotions as he realized what Roman was saying. "You stayed, even when I hated myself so much it hurt. And when I thought no one cared, or even when I hated you."
"Of course I did." Logan murmured softly, pressing a kiss to Roman's bandaged forehead. "You are... important. To me." Roman smiled, opening his eyes.
"And you're something."
A piece of the mirror slid back into place. A small one - in the center of the gaping hole left by what had happened.
It took quite a while for Roman to be alright again - and Logan knew he would never fully heal. He knew that the mirror would always have some cracks - but that didn't mean anything.
"Kintsugi," he said one day, running his hands through Roman's hair as they sat on Romans bed. He could see Roman staring at the mirror, still spiderwebbed with cracks. "Is a Japanese art from. That when something breaks - say, a vase - it is repaired it with gold." Roman hummed, not looking away from his cracked reflection. "Kintsugi is poetically translated to mean golden joinery. This also raises the broken objects value - as it is beautiful in its own unique way, despite the scars. They've been doing it for centuries."
"That's something. I like that," Roman said softly, watching the mirror for another reason now, as one of the cracks on the edge faded away. "Thank you, Logan."
Logan just smiled, finding that he loved Roman more every day, even with the parts that Roman despised about himself.
ooof that fluff is sickening. Like I said, NOT how I usually write these fics - but I couldn't help it. I hope you enjoyed it, and don't worry because there's going to be plenty more Angst and pain where that came from!
Thanks for reading and take care of yourselves!
Love you all,
-Coby