A/N: Ok so this is a short update but it's on purpose. You'll thank me. I want to stress that this is not the end of this story yet. There are a few more chapters to go, so stick it out with me. It will be worth it. Thank you for reading. Love ya all!
Three months later and nothing had changed. She still laid there motionless and hooked up to machines. It had become exhausting and I often found myself barely able to hang to on. I was at the end of my rope and slowly losing my grip.
I spotted Johnny sitting outside on a bench smoking while the paps called out to him and took pictures from the barricades across the street. He seemed unbothered by their presence. He just sat there and stared at them as he blew out plums of smoke as if it was the most normal thing in the entire world.
"You'd think they'd have something better to do." He said casually as I sat next him.
"Obviously not." I sighed as I looked over at the group of photographers and journalists.
"She's not going to wake up is she?" He asked suddenly. "She's gone right?"
"John..."
"No I'm serious." He interrupted. "I can't keep doing this. It has to stop. I'm not coming back here anymore. We're chasing ghosts Sel. It's like I have this gaping wound that just won't heal. She wouldn't want this. You and I both know it."
"Have you been talking to Dianna?" I snapped.
"No." He answered defiantly. "Why would that even matter?"
"Because you sound like her." I said as I folded my arms across my chest.
"Look." He sighed. "I get it. I really do. At some point you're going to have to let go. This is no way to live. I've said my goodbyes and maybe you should consider doing the same."
He stood and flicked his cigarette butt toward the paps before walking toward the parking lot. I wanted to be angry with him but deep down I knew he was right, so was Dianna. I was being selfish at the expense of everyone including myself, but mostly at Demi's expense. Even if she was to miraculously wake up what type of life would have? Probably not one she would want.
I sat and stared at the people taking my picture and staring at me. It was so bizarre. As I sat there and watched them watching me, I realized that they were just like me. They were just waiting, for what they didn't know but they waited anyway despite what I wanted. That's exactly what I was doing to everyone, making them wait. It want just Demi's family and friends, it was everyone.
I felt empty as the cold hard truth crept up my spine and settled like a weight in my chest.
***
I had to let her go. It was as simple as that. It wasn't fair to her. It wasn't fair to me. It wasn't fair to anyone really. False hope was a devastating thing and I'd been holding onto it for far too long. I needed to let her be at peace. Laying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and tubes wasn't it. She wasn't living and neither was I.
I made all the necessary phone calls and gave everyone a chance to say goodbye. One by one the people closest to her saw her one last time. I wasn't there for most of it because it was private. I also wouldn't be able to handle watching them doing what I knew I would be doing eventually.
After everyone else had said their goodbyes, I walked into her room and looked at the woman laying in the bed. I closed my eyes and I could see her smiling from beneath the stage lights as she played her guitar. I saw her walking toward me with her arms outstretched. I saw every moment I had ever spent with her and that's when I lost it. I sank to floor and started sobbing.
When I finally managed to pull myself together, I sat next to her and took her limp hand in mine. She looked pale and just...lifeless. This wasn't the woman I was madly in love with. This was an empty shell and I was holding on for dear life.
"Hey baby." I whispered.
"I umm...I'm gonna let you go." I barely choked out before covering my moth with hands in an attempt to stifle a sob.
"I've been trying to hold on but I just...I can't anymore. It's killing me." I cried softly. "And I want you to know that I love you and I always will. You were the one." I cried softly as I wiped at the tears. "You will always be the one."
I told myself that I could do this. I had no choice. As her wife, it was my responsibility to make this choice. I knew deep in my heart it's what she would've wanted, it still didn't make it hurt less. I promised to take of her and I had to fulfill that promise.
I had reached that point where I remembered every single detail about her. Everything I took for granted. The way she'd kiss me at night. Her brown eyes staring at me in the morning. Her raspy voice when she whispered "I love you." The way she felt when her arms were around me. These were all things that I was never going to have again.
I climbed into that god forsaken bed with her. She would leave this world in my arms. I pulled her up against me so her back was against my chest. I rested my cheek against hers and closed my eyes. This was the last time I'd ever hold her. The last time.
"I'm ready." I whispered shakily to the nurse as she poked her head into the room.
She nodded and left the room. When she returned she was followed by the doctor and Dianna. I needed Dianna with me when this happened. I couldn't do it alone and my mom couldn't be here. I felt Dianna's hand grab mine as the older woman started to cry. This was it.
"Once we remove the tube, there's no telling how long it will take. I could take a couple minutes or a few hours. It's hard to tell. It's different for everyone." The doctor explained.
I stopped listening and focused on Demi. I wanted to hear her breathing. I looked at her lips and remembered the last words she spoke to me. She told me she loved me.
It's hard for me to say 'bye bye'
I half whispered, half sang into her ear.
I had figured out a long time ago what that song was she had mentioned when she was in rehab. She thought she was slick. She hummed it all the time when she was happy or holding me at night. It took me a long time to put two and two together, but I did eventually. I never told her that I knew.
It made sense though. It was the song that we danced to when we got married. It was just the two of us. That's how it always was, me and her. Everything else was just noise that we expertly ignored. She had pushed all the furniture out of the way and held me close as she sang the words softly into my ear. I still remember the way her cheek felt pressed against mine.
Even in the state of you and I
As I sang I could feel her breathing becoming shallower. It wasn't going to take long. I held her tighter. My heart was screaming that I wasn't ready.
How could I refuse
Yeah you rid me of the blues
Ever since you came into my life
My voice cracked with each syllable.
Cause you're my medicine
You're my medicine
I stopped singing and just focused on the way she felt. I probably sounded like complete shit anyway since I was crying and on the verge of a breakdown. I wasn't prepared for how fast it actually happened. She was gone within minutes. Minutes. It was too fast. There was no fight. Nothing. She was just gone.
Demi died at 2:15 am on a Saturday. She was 32 years old.