Jasper didn't come to school. It was no surprise, yet their was still disappointed that followed after. Although he wasn't their the scene at the bookstore was a hot topic. Classifed as rumor because most of the kids couldn't confirm it because they never stepped into the bookstore a day in their life. I sat at our lunch table and picked away at my sandwich while Bee and Nani talked endless. Zane and Lucas where off at a basketball practice leaving us girls alone. But I found myself wishing they where, Zane would keep Nani company and Lucas would always find a way to make me laugh, or piss me.
Carly walked by and pretending to be so deep in her conversation that she didn't see me. " Hey Carly." I greeted taking her by surprise.
" Oh, hey Kinsley. See you at practice." She replied with a wave. I didn't realize how a simple "hey" could spark so much attention yet, people say at the edge of their seat waiting for us to have cat fight.
Bee waited to Carly walked away to ask. " So you and the She Devil are friends now."
" Yep." I nod. " And don't call her that, she's actually a cool person. Just a little misunderstood that's all."
Bee snorts at my comment. " Misunderstood?"
" Yep." I say again popping the "p"
" So.... we like her now?" Nani asked
We
I don't think Bee or Nani had other friends beside each other and myself. At that use of the word "we" I started to get a better image of things. Nani was one for wanting approval and acceptance she craved it from her Mom, she wanted it from me. I never saw it until that moment, when she had to ask me if we liked Carly. I guess every choice I made was "we" thing. And just like Finn and Carly had their followers, I did too.
" Yeah... we do."
Nani and Bee's eyes widen as they caught sight of something behind me.
" Pines."
A shiver ran down my spine.
" Don't let fear control you."
" Finnegan." I reply dryly not looking back to face him. Seeing that it wasn't going to happen Finn took a seat next to me. He glanced back at Bee and Nani for a moment.
" Can we talk?"
" We are talking." I replied
He was clearly annoyed with my vagueness. " Privately." He glanced back at Bee and Nani for a moment. They waited on a signal for them to leave but it never came.
" Please." Finn said the words as if it stung his tongue as if the word itself would hurting him.
" Can you give us a moment?" I ask the girls.
" You sure?" Bee asked
No.
" Yeah, I'm sure."
The girls gave me one last question look before leaving Finn and I alone. Silence feel between us as I waited for him to speak.
" I miss you." He confessed. I didn't reply, he looked around for a moment before his eyes falling on me again. " I miss us." I tensed as he placed his hand over mine, not a fan of his venomous touch I pull my hand away.
" Their is no us Finn. There was never any "us." Even before....."
It was his turn of being uncomfortable and me referencing that night did just that. " I'm sorry things got out of control. We where drunk-"
I snort " Thats funny Finnegan because I didn't drink any alcohol at all that night and you know it."
His jaw clenched he was clearly on the edge of letting go of the " Mr. Nice" guy persona his true colors threatening to unleash. In public is where I was the boldest with Finn, when we where dating sometimes I would take advantage of the thousand eyes watching and hope they catch him slip. He never did, every time he would squeeze my hand so tight it left a print of his large fingers on my skin. A warning, a reminder of his power. And sometimes being left with that reminder was punishment enough for my bold words.
Things like that always made me fear a future with Finn. If he was tempered now, I could only imagine how abusive he would get in the future. Living in a house with him where he didn't have to pretend, where he would unleash the beast and Hell would rain down on me.
Since I was kid my Father embedded what he considered the " inevitable." The alliance between the Pines and the Rangers. Finn and I grew up together, went on family vacation together, nearly every dance together since pre school. Finn wasn't all bad, but his bad was so terrible that it denounced me from ever seeing the good in him. In middle school be bought me a charm bracelet and every year for my birthday he would add another one along with numerous other gifts. I knew that was genuine, I knew that there was a time when he actually did have crush on me. Yet, his romantic gesture didn't compare to the other ways he should his affection. Possessive, aggressive, jealous and a totally ass. All signs that things are going to shits.
At age 12 it was no secret of are parents intentions. By that time our parents where already telling us the grand tales of how the family fortunate would one day be "ours." He and I where saw as union. One that I never favored.
" How many times do I have to apologize?"
" It's not an apology I want it's a confession." I snapped.
Finn looked at me with piercing eyes. " A confession..."
I nodded.
" I love you Kinsley."
I roll my eyes preparing for the infamous love speech. "I hurt you because I love you." Finn's justification for his violent nature. It's not his fault. He never learned how to treat a women. And I'm sure this same notation was embedded in him after locking himself in his room while his Mom sobbed in hall ways. Hearing the same constant declaration of love from his Father to his Mother after beating the breaks off of her. It was a secret of Bruce's infidelity and his broken marriage. Few people knew, but of course all about my "future in laws." I knew that the bad habits Finn possessed he got from home. That when ever he was actually hurting me, that love was the blame. All signs of a toxic relationship, I didn't love him at all, but let him tell it he loved me to much. Finn actually did believe he loved me. So I guess you could say I never got the proper idea of love. At least not from Men. Their definition was far different from the ones in movies and books.
My Dad says he loves me.
So does Finn.
And from the examples they seem to have given me. You really do hurt the people you love. Pain is apart of love. Love just fucking hurts.
Who's to show me different.
" I know you do Finn." I proclaimed with a sigh.
He smiles optimistically. " Ki-"
" I think that's what makes us so bad for each other. Because you love me." I frown. " You love me, and it hurts. Yet I hate you, and you have nothing to show for it. No scars. No trauma. Stop fucking loving me Finn. It tends to ruin my life."
" Ruin your life?" He exclaimed in disbelief.
" Are you really that fucking ungrateful Pines? I give you everything."
" I don't want everything Finn!" I exclaimed causing stares in our direction.
Finn didn't speak for a moment his eyes reading me causing my body to tense as he took in my outfit and scoffed
" It's because of that stupid Deaf Kid isn't it? You fucking him now?"
" His names Jasper." I corrected " And it's none of your fucking business."
" None of my business?" He replied clearly on the edge. His jaw clenched and I saw the veins and his arms being to bulge" It is my fucking business you're my fucking businesses Kinsley. Do I need to have your Dad remind you?"
" He doesn't own me." I stated.
" You're right." He agreed " I do" Finn leaned closer his voice dropping dangerously low. " You're mine Kinsley Pines. Don't forget that. "
" Own a fucking mint Finnegan and get the hell out of my face." I insulted
" Pretty words are people get hurt Kinsley ." I shivered as his finger tips brushed against my skin as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
" Are you threatening me?" I questioned trying to fake confidence when really I was terrified. He seem to have that effect on me. He knew how to break me.
A grim smirk spreader across his lips. " Of course not baby." He assured.
" I'm threatening Lover Boy." Finn winked " What can I say." He shrugged " I'm possessive."
You're a fucking psycho
Anger flared through my body as he mentioned Jasper. Knowing this the glint in Finn's eyes never faded as he watched me. " I'm having Cladia make your dress for the gala, it's obvious you gained a few so email her new your new measurements." It was a switch, he was good at acting as if things never happened. Finn didn't have a devil on his shoulder, he was the devil. Handsome with a face desired by so many. I don't think Finn feel out of Heaven his whole life he was convinced he was already there with his money and his power. Getting everything he ever wanted Finnegan made hell seem luxurious, and for him as it King I'm sure it was for him.
Finn's lips met my forehead, he lingered. His lips alone reminding me of the last time he touched me. Reminder me of the reality that I still have nightmares about.
I lived in a world of monsters, a world where I wasn't just expected to just face my demons but to wed them. A world where puppet strings that with out them I didn't think I could move on my own.
Poor little rich girl.
Who went to school everyday had to face her rapist.
Poor little rich girl.
Who's own father objectified and carried little of her happiness and more of the money that would make him happy.
Poor little rich girl and her dead mom.
Boo Fucking Hoo.
Rage inside my built up as I felt the toxic touch of Finnegan Ranger. As memory's flooded through mind the last time he violated me.
A time where I tried to stop it, a time where I begged and cried my fucking eyes.
A time where I was to drunk to keep my eyes open.
Yet, I felt the same.
I wasn't that girl anymore. Yet, I felt like her.
Scared.
Helpless.
I was frozen as Finn removed his lips from my forehead.
" Cheer up babe." He said brushing his finger over my check as he stood up. " You're mine." The arrogance radiated off of him as he spoke those words so surly before walking away. And even though he was gone, I still couldn't breath.
I still felt him.
I felt him in the eyes of everyone watching me.
I felt him in the air as his pine smelling Cologne lingered.
Finnegan was tugging at the chain trying to drag me back to him.Telling me that my free time was over, that our "break" was over. That the distant I said I needed would be no more. In his mind it was time to go back to the way things where like we always did. We would fight cool off, and a week later our families would have us fucking golfing together. Recess was supposed to be over. Freedom was temporarily it all ways was.
Panic ran through my as I heard the chiming bells that signaled for me to fall in line. To pose again and be a Manikin.
I wasn't rebel.
Only danced because he permits it.
I wasn't free, yet my Dad let me dance because he knew it was the only thing that made me feel it.
The whisper of the crowd became too much, and I was growing weak pretending to be strong.
" Kinsley are you okay-"
Bee and Nani approached both of them looking both concern and courious. Hoping for me to tell then what was wrong. And even as my oldest friends they seem to know so little about me. Was I really that good of a liar?
" I gotta piss." I announced bluntly grabbing my things and exited the cafeteria. My heart still racing, and the walls of my throat closing up. I was desperate for air. Desperate to breath. I hurried out of the school building wanting to separate myself as far from it. And as I breathed quickly taking in the cold air, I realized that not even it was good enough to save me. The cool breeze nipped at my exposed legs, making me regret my outfit choice. Yet still I hurried down the concrete pathway little did I know I couldn't escape the pain I felt, the anger.
I needed pacifier. Something to the emotions that crashed down on me.
I needed-
" Fuck!" I cursed as I bumped into a hard chest. His large hands gripped my forearms preventing me from stumbling back.
His handsome face was clear in view as he toward over me with his white teeth on full display. The sweat that tickled on against his skin provided a unmistakable glow.
The irony it was.
A cliche, that fate seem to have wanted to play out.
But if fate hasn't learned it already.
This is not a cliche.
" Clumsy aren't we KP?"
He smiled brightly that boyish charm matching the golden boy persona he possessed. But not even Lucas's boyish charm could save the day.
I turn away avoiding eye contact knowing how easily he would be able to read me. How easily everyone would.
" Sorry." I said lowly turning away from him, and started to walk away sending him by surprise.
" Woah, woah." He said following after me. " That's it? No snarky comment. No cussing? Whats up ?"
" I'm fine." I lied." I'm just... little tired. Dance is taking a lot out of me."
He nodded accepting the lie as the truth.
" If you ever need a break KP. I got you, where ever you wanna go?" " Jupiter?" He playful suggested
" Been there." I ligrhlt chuckled going along with his games.
" Venus?"
" To blue."
" How about we jump on that route to Mars?"
" As long as the rocket ship has first class."
Lucas smiled " Of course, we can't be broke bitches in space."
He cheered me up. The fustatiton I felt for Finn was now being distracted by Lucas's humor. Romantically my heart didn't belong to him. He didn't captivate it the way Jasper did. He didn't make me feel the way Jasper did.
" We'll eat Star crunch and Moon cakes." I joked causing him to chuckle.
It would be stupid for me to contimplate over which guy I'm head over heels for.
Jasper.
It'll always be Jasper.
But Lucas made me feel something too.
He made me feel... Euphoric.
He might of not been the guy that I danced with in the rain.
But he was always the guy that sung the music. A guy who's words could slide a smile on my face, a guy who's tune I'd hum along to because the melody was to sweet to ignore. A guy with a song that I'd sing in perfect harmony with , yet together we danced off beat.
Lucas was a great guy.
He just wasn't my guy.
But I'll sing his joyous song and reminder the smiles it brought me.
" Let me take you out." He blurted out. " Maybe not to space. He nervously chuckled " But it'll be out of this world."
The smile I had once faded as I realized what he was asking.
" What not funny?"
" Lucas I-"
The words never left my mouth, once again the universe seems to be speaking for me not letting me utter a word and instead it spoke with actions. The school doors closed and Jasper existed the building his dark hair bouncing as he headed down the stairs he wore a long sleeve red shirt making him hard to miss.
I debated whether or not to call his name, I understood he wouldn't be able to hear me. But it was one way to get his attention. Lucas followed my eyes disappointment flooding over his face.
" So it's true?" He asked " You and Jasper."
" Yeah. It's true." I confirmed.
He sighed " I'm happy for you KP. "
" You are?"
Lucas nodded. A sad smile forming across his lips. " I know Finn took a number on you. So I'm happy that you're moving on from it. Happy someone could show you different. Do I wish it was me? Yeah of course. But. One day It will be. I'll be jealous of the guy who has you now, but I'll be patient for the future and be thankful he can make you happy in the present. There's always New York." he chuckled his blue eyes matching mine with sincereness in his words. " Maybe there you'll fall in love with me."
I was spechless. Confused by him optimistic nature. He had really grown. His boyish charm transforming into something new right before my eyes. Just a few weeks ago he was talking about my feet and I was flicking him off. Had things really changed that much?
" See you around KP." He waved before leaving.
I couldn't help but wonder how different things would have been if I opened the door to Lucas Hart. If I let him in with open arms and accepted the worlds many signs.
But no matter how many signs pointed to Lucas.
I already knew the direction to Jasper Ralston. Even if the roads where bumpier and dangerous. Even it was the road not taken. I'd take that risk for him.
A smile widely and hurry over to him. I wailing my arms like a made women and even though he couldn't hear I still called out his name " Jasper!"
Finally he looks up, but by then I had already reached him my body leaping onto your legs wrapping around his waist his sending him by surprise. The papers he once had in his hand fell to the ground.
His arms wrapped around my body a laugh escaping him lips as he caught me. My arms where around him joy radiating through my body.
He was the one.
Not Finn
Not Lucas.
Jasper.
" Hey beautiful." He greeted his green eyes dilated as he looked at me. " Aren't you suppose to be in class?"
" I could ask you the same thing." I replied.
"Touché."
Blush creeped across my cheek as I realized my skirt was riding up as Jasper held me up. Noticing this too his eyes widen before putting me down.
" Sorry." He apologized before putting me back down to the ground. His face getting just as red as mine.
" It's okay." I assured fixing my skirt. " What are you doing here anyway?"
" Needed to drop off some school work.... and see you."
" Well I'm happy you're here. Now I've got a ride home." I winked. I caught a ride with the girls to school, and the last thing I wanted to do was wait for them to drop me off home.
" As your tutor I shouldn't condone skipping."
I smirk spreads across my lips as I stepped closer to him, are lips inches apart. " What about as my boyfriend?"
He licked his perfect pink lips and said " I can't resist."