"You can see her now sir."
The nurse was talking to Race letting him know it was okay. He had been writing his song for hours, he had it all just about done except for the middle eight, he looked at his watch and it was 2:46 am. "Boy, time flies when you're having fun," he thought then told the nurse,
"Okay, I'll be right there."
He gathered up his things, stuck his pen to his collar and followed the nurse down the halls to Emma's room. He stepped in and Emma was sitting in her half reclined hospital bed with one of those televangelist on the tv hanging from the ceiling, she looked up from her magazine when he came in and smiled broadly.
"Hey there stranger."
"Hi." he replied kind of timidly. "How ya doing?"
"Okay, I guess, the doctor says he'd like to keep me overnight for observation."
"They figure out what happened?"
"Not yet, they want to wait for test results, they poked and probed and took blood and urine samples, they're going to do an electrocardiogram tomorrow morning. They said it's probably nothing serious."
"What do you think happened?"
"I don't know...it was the weirdest thing, all I know is I was on the phone waiting for a detective and then I was on the floor with you."
"You scared the hell outa me you know, you were for all intent and purposes no longer with us, you know."
"I know, that's what's so weird."
"Whataya mean?"
"Well...it's hard to explain really, I guess...I don't know, I didn't like, feel dead."
"Good thing I had that hospital job."
"Yea, I guess so."
They were both trying to not talk about what had gone on before between them, like maybe it didn't really happen. It's scary for two people to really unite, to become mutually exclusive. It entails the giving of a part of yourself, maybe a part that's been damaged or abused, the part that's frightened to be hurt again.
"So..." said Race. "Are we going to like...ignore...ah what...you know...like...what happened?"
Emma just looked at him with a smile and looked down at her own hands fiddling with the sheets. She looked like she was on the verge of tears.
"Hey, hey, what's a matter?" He rushed over and sat on the edge of her bed and held her working hands, she looked up and looked back.
"What's happening baby?"
She was biting her bottom lip, trying to work the words up out of her throat, very quietly she said, "I didn't want you to know."
"It's alright, I didn't want you to know either."
She shook her head and caught an escaping cry as a tear ran down her cheek. She glanced up at him and then back to the sheets.
"I can't have a relationship like that...not now...I can't."
"Like what, Emma?"
"You know."
"No, I don't know Emma, what are you talking about?"
"You know, like, intimate."
"Hey, I know you been through some bad relationships, I'm not gonna rush ya into nothing."
"I'm carrying a lot of baggage, Race."
"We all got some baggage lady, it's how we became who we are."
"No...you don't understand."
"Then tell me Emma, what is it, what's the big deal?"
"I'm scared Race, I can't do it again. I can't be in love, I can't make the investment cuz I can't afford the loss, I just can't do it!"
Race sat and looked at her looking at her sheets, tears down both cheeks, afraid to look him in the eye. Race put the finger of his right hand under her chin and gently lifted her head to meet his eyes. "Do you really want to let this go?"
Her head snapped back down. "I don't know what I want!"
"I do, I want you."
"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do."
"Why, why me, what do you see in me?"
"I love you, Emma."
"Don't say that, that's not fair."
"I love you, I always have and I'm not gonna let you throw this away, chances like this don't come along everyday Emma, you don't just wake up one day and decide, "Gee, I thing I'll go out and fall in love today," then just go out and meet somebody on the street. Or maybe you do, maybe you get so lonely, that you convince yourself you're in love with some guy and you get married and have a couple a kids, but it won't be me Emma...if you let this go it may be the biggest mistake of your life, cuz you and I fit Emma, we've fit for years and I never even been to bed with you, I never kissed you Emma, but I know I can spend the rest of my life with you."
Emma was silent, obviously scared and nervous, it weighed heavily on her mind. She didn't want to acknowledge her own need. She didn't want to depend on anybody, she didn't want to trust someone with her fragile parts again. It took her so long to muster up the strength to be independent, to go on, to get over the last man she gave herself away to, only to be betrayed and lied to. But...she did need, she was as much afraid to not need as she was to be needy, as afraid to not depend on somebody as she was wishing she could, not wanting to trust as much as she wanted to fall into somebody's arms and let it all out.
She wanted dearly to take some strength, some courage, some refuge in the arms of a man who would just hold her and let her be weak, let her release some of the pain contained in the baggage that was getting so heavy to carry alone.
She was stuck between the rock and the hard place and she knew it was time to make a choice, to choose to continue the way she was or to take the chance. To throw the dice.
"How can you be so sure, Race, how can you know?"
"I know."
"What do you know Race. Do you know me? Do you?"
"I know you Emma and I know there's been more pain in your life than you say, I can see it Emma, I've sat up nights trying to figure out how to get you to let it out, to get you to trust me, I see it Emma, I see it behind your eyes, I see it in the things you believe, I see it in the creases of your heart and I want to be here for you, I want you to give it to me. I'm not afraid Emma, I just want to love you, you Emma, the lady inside there that hides behind that smile, that Emma that wants to call the cops on the bad guys, that Emma that tells me to go see my mom, that Emma that wants to help the starving artist, that Emma that accepts me as I am even though she knows I will never change, you Emma, I - love -you, and if you just let down that wall, just pull back the curtains and let me be there for you, I will never leave, do you hear me Emma, never. I know I'm coming on strong but I can't hold back no more, I've dreamed of what happened tonight, and it happened Emma, you know it happened, think back, remember, just as you came to consciousness, didn't it feel right, before you had a chance to analyze and scare your self, before you had a moment to think about it. Remember how good it was for a little while. Remember?"
Race had tears in his eyes, he was holding her hand trying desperately to get her to get back to that feeling, that bond, that love.
"Goddamn it, Emma, I love you, don't give up on me, don't give up on yourself."
Emma was speechless, squeezing his hand, sniffling, shivering from nerves. "That's quite a speech" She giggled ever so slightly, "I'm scared to death Race."
"What are you really scared of?"
Finally she lifted her head and looked him square in the eye, and there he was, loving her, caring about her, she knew it was true and it did feel right, it was there all along if she had only looked, only have thought it possible, all the times she had made excuses to go see him, all the times she had come by unannounced, all the times she offered her help he never turned her down, never turned her away, never said he was busy, he was always there, always, and now it all made sense.
"It's not you Race."
"What's not me?"
"I'm not afraid of you."
"I should hope not."
"I..."
"Go on"
"...he...I never really told anybody this before."
"That's okay babe, go on."
She looked at him earnestly, then into space, like she was looking at old pictures in her head. Her brow furrowed and she looked back at him.
"He beat me Race, he beat the hell out of me, he broke me Race, I'm a broken person."
Race knew it was something like that, he knew there was something going on in there, he clutched her and she went into tears, crying hard.
"He broke my bones Race, but that wasn't the bad part, he broke my spirit. I had to stop caring, he would come and beat me up and rape me Race, I was afraid to tell, he said he would kill me, I believed him Race, I believed him."
"It's alright baby, it's okay now, no one's gonna hurt you no more."
He was kissing her cheeks and stroking her hair gently,
"I'll never ever hit you Emma, I would sooner kill myself, I could never hurt you, please believe me baby, I'm not that guy."
"I...I love you Race."
"I love you too, Emma, be my girl, Emma, let me take care of you."
"I'm so scared."
"I'll prove myself to you, just give me a chance, please Emma, just give me a chance."
"Okay Race, okay, but I need space okay, just give me some space sometimes, I do love you."
And Race and Emma made the bond, finally after all those years, finally...
They connected.