I was tired of dealing with things.
I was tired of those things holding me back.
" Ow!" Carly shouted as I collided with her causing us both to tumble to the ground. " Way to go Carly." I blamed.
Okay, it was my fault. My mind had been drifting elsewhere the whole time and I was giving this dance very little focus.
Carly's eyes widen as I feel on top of her, her face was flushed pink exhausted from all the dancing. She had been giving it her all, wanting nothing more than to outshine me.
" Get off me Fat Ass." She insulted pushing me off of her.
She was a totally ass. But what else am I suppose to expect from Carly. She got up off the ground and dusted her self not even offering me hand up. Honestly if roles where reversed, I would have done the same thing.
I laid on the ground temporarily defeated with life. My mind flooding with thoughts about Jasper. He was more then crush. Why didn't I have the nerve to call him my fucking boyfriend already! Why did I still let my Dad and Fin control me?
Controlled by 2 men who've only taught me trauma.
" Get up. We have to run it again." Carly instructed.
I sighed " Can't we just... take a break?"
" A break?" she scoffed " I guess the rumors are wrong your legs do tire."
I laugh " What other rumors about me?" Carly takes a seat on the floor next to me.
" Dance or otherwise?"
I scoff at the idea of hearing the high school gossip involving me. I heard of few of them especially after Fin and I's breaku. People made up there theories all just wrong as the ones told before it. I was curious of wha else my classmates where steering up, but I wouldn't let thag curiosity get the best of me.
"Dance."
" One is that your mixing bones in your feet. Which is the only reason why you're so good."
I giggle " False."
" A few of the other dances think that you don't sleep, and every night you practice doing a fouetté."
" Wrong." I scoffed " I do sleep, just in class. And as for that fouetté I mastered that years ago"
" Another one is that you slept with Robbie Bernard, that's the only reason he's even scouting you."
Now that one was just outrages
" First of all he's gay. So no, I didn't sleep with him. Secondly I know it was you, that started that rumors. Just like it was you that fucked with my locker."
My locker, did you honestly think I would forgot about that.
It was humiliating, and brought back the worst thing that every happen to me. Brought back all the ugly rumors that where tossed aground. Casting me as school slut and sexualized by every dosh bag at school. Those pictures that where suppose to be erased from my life where on my locker displayed for everyone to see. Pictures I hadn't even taken but Fin did, while I was drunk out of my mind.
" Oh God, how many times do I have to tell you that wasn't me." Carly's reaction was genuine she clearly seemed bother by my accusation.
But I still didn't believe her. " Liar, liar pants on fire!"
" How old are you seven." She insulted.
Okay, so maybe I that was bit childish.
" You're the one acting like a kid if you did it own up to! ". I shouted in frustration.
" But I didn't do it!" She exclaimed just as frustrated as I was. "I.. I wouldn't do that to you." Carly softly said.
Carly looked down at the floor, her signature hair was pulled into a pony tail exposing her face. I won't lie, she's always been pretty and carried her held high. Fiercely, bold a fighter. But now I was seeing a different side of Carly. A side where that hard demeanor was lowered. And she sat there sad and confused.
" I'm sorry." I apologized seeing how upset this was making her. " I shouldn't have accused-"
She let out a sad laugh " I get it Kinsley. If someone did that to my locker you'd be the first person I'd accuse. Where both villains in each other stories."
" But aren't you tired of that?" asked " It's been what? 13 years."
" 14." She corrected.
I playfully roll my eyes "Even worse."
Both of us laughed and moved close closing the gap between us hoping to initiate a new friendship. Carly smile was bright and something I didn't see often. " Point is, we've been hating each other for far to long. This dance can be like a peace offer. A grand fucking alliance." I exclaimed another laugh leaving Carly'a mouth. " Where both to bad of bitches to be constantly competing."
" Isn't that what where suppose to do? All of us here are fighting for a shot. Competing againsteach other is how we win."
"The doesn't mean we can't be supportive of each other."
" You don't mean that." Carly replied in disbelief.
" But I do." I smiled. Carly's eyes read my face searching for lie, but one she didn't find it a smile spreads across her lips. I placed my hand on hers. Her eyes sparkled and I felt both of us put our guard down.
" I want things to change between us."
This was something new to both of us, and although I read the moment as a start of friendships. Carly didn't, I didn't notice it. I didn't notice her blushed cheeks of how stiff she got once I touched her hand. I didn't notice the look in her eye when she looked at me.
I didn't notice Carly was gay.
Not until she leaned in and tried to kiss me.
Shit.
My eyes widen in shocked and moved my hand away, recreating a gap between us. Sadness creeping over her face, while I stared at her bewildered confused on much things that escalated.
" I-I." She stuttered panicking not being able to find words.
" Carly." I said softly. "How... how long?"
Her eyes watered and she couldn't look up at me. I feared that ruined a friendship before it even started. That are sentimental moment had all went to waste by how reacted. I moved closer to Carly and stiffened once more. A silence between us as I waited on a response.
Minutes passed before she finally said.
" 7th grade." She confessed. " I didn't know it at first, but now I'm positive I started liking you in the 7th grade, but I never said it out loud until now." She paused not sure if she should continue. " It was after your mom died, you missed practice for about 2 weeks and you came back to the studio with your hair in 2 French Braids. You where sad, but beautiful. Caught on the choreography in a day, and got a solo the next. You where back, but you weren't the same. I realized I liked you because I couldn't stand seeing you hurt."
The words that where coming at her mouth, where words I never imagined being said. I never noticed Carly's interest in me. How could I?
" It was easier to hate you. Hate how you got the solo's. Hate that you a better dancer than me." She sighed "And after a while all that hate does make a girl angry. You enrage me, because no matter how many dances you steal or all the times we fight. I still love you. Which makes me hate you even more. And I hate watching you dance and I wanted every solo to avoid having to..."
Her water eyes look up at me glistening a single tear drop falling from her face. Candor words left her glossed lips. And the world around me vanished.
" I hate watching you dance. Because every time you do, I forgot I'm suppose to hate you."
"She was green with envy her jealously beamed off of her brighter then most lights would. The glare she gave me was one that could make your skin crawl. Ever since I started ballet she had hated me. And I can't blame her she felt as if I was her rival. She was always pent against me and she always well...."
"She always lost."
The words I once thought echoed in my head. Seeing how different our point of views where. This wasn't just my world, and although this book seems to be about me. Every other person in it has a story of there own. A story in which they are the lead and every feeling and thought is justified by the events that happened in their life. I've learned that a lot of people wear mask, sometimes in hopes that one day that plastic morphs into skin. Some people wear fake smiles when really there hurting on the inside. And others give off no emotions and have a mask of stone constantly dealing with emotional turmoil but deal with it by convincing others they have no emotions at all. That there forever strong, when in reality every tear they cry under the mask of stone makes the mask crack risking showing the emotions they are suppose to be immune to.
I think Carly did.
And her mask was cracking with every tear drop.
She was blue, sadness and sorrow beamed off her like a broken light bulb its dull light was darker than most lights. The gaze she held was one that made my heart stop. Ever since I started ballet, she was love with me. And I blame myself for not noticing. I felt as if she was my rival. She was alway pent against, but now she seemed
Lost.
"I'm happy you told me this, and one day I hope you don't have to mask your emotions with hate. I hope that you'll find a girl to love, and she'll love you the same. I hope.. I hope a lot of great things for you Carly Aims. Because you deserve it all."
* * * *
I learned a lot of things that day. Although Carly and I's situation wasn't the same. I still learned from it. She felt as if she had to hide her true emotions, hide her sexuality. But what was I hiding from? Why did I still need to wear a mask when it came to being with the person I want? Carly took a chance, so I'll do the same.
Fear would no longer ruling my life.
I would take control of it.
That's why at 3:15 Wednesday fucking afternoon. I strolled into Warner's & Globals Book store with my held. Ready to take chance. Letting go of all the things I'm dealing with because I could no longer let them control me. My past was my past, and although I could never forget I would not let it ruin me.
Yet, again Mariah's voice flooded the speakers of the jolly mall and everyone carried around there gift bags enjoying the winter festivities with a smile across their face.
Jasper stood at the cash register with his Santa hat on his head Tessa by his side wearing an elf one engaging in a conversation.
I'm done dealing with things.
I confidently walked over skipping the people in line. His eyes lit up and I ignored the angry costumers behind me. I didn't have to hide my love and affection for him. I wanted to kiss with no shame for all to see.
His greens dilated as he saw me, glowing with excitement.
" Hey-"
I grabbed his shirt and pulled his lips into mine. He was startled, his lips didn't move for a second before finally moving against mine. Sparks spreading across my body, as I kissed him passionately not caring if anyone was watching. Because in this book, IN my fucking story. I get the fucking guy, not because of destiny or fucking fate but because I control me. Because I'm not letting anyone else or any past turmoil do it. I kissed him because I could. Because I'm sick of hiding.
Tessa cleared her throat, but we still didn't stop.
It was kiss.
A really good ass kiss.
Without having to look at her a raised the middle finger still having my lips intertwined with Jasper's. His hands holding my the side of face. He kissed me as if he was starving as if my lips cured his famine ravishingly me whole yet, his hunger wasn't suppressed.
Finally I pull away his eyelids flutter up revealing his dazed eyes. His lips where pink and swollen.
I smiled " Jasper."He panted out of breath.
" You're my fucking boyfriend."
He smiled he's forehead against mine " I'm your fucking boyfriend.."