Ok so this is before my Only Us chapter, like, immediately before, because I don't remember the plot exactly (even though I've seen DEH live) and I'm too lazy to figure it out. I am also far too lazy to find the actual lines leading up to this so I'm making it up. Whatever you'll get it.
In all that worrying about how I would mess up or how horribly I would admit to being a liar, I had never considered that there would be a positive. All I could think about was how awful a person I was. I hadn't even realized that I would have the chance to get closer to Roman.
This all ran through my head as I awkwardly sat on the edge of his bed. Under any different circumstances, I would have a major freak out. But this was a sad, gloomy time. I was so nervous that I would mess up and show too much emotion that I couldn't show any. It didn't seem like Roman could either.
"So..." He started and quickly trailed off. I guess we had to talk about what had happened, but I wish we didn't. I wish we were normal teenagers hanging out instead of being awkward and dancing around the subject of suicide.
"I'm really sorry, again, about what happened." I couldn't help but make it sound like my fault.
"Thank you. You're really helping my mom through this. It's... hard on her."
"What about you? How are you doing?" I started doing this to help his mom, and I'm glad it's still doing that, but I need to make sure that Roman is okay too. He sighed.
"It's complicated." I thought for a second before replying.
"I mean, sure. Feelings are complicated. I don't know exactly how to feel right now either. But you can talk to me, if you want. I might not quite be able to understand but I'll try my best." He shook his head.
"I appreciate it. I just don't know if I particularly want to say it. If I say it out loud it becomes real." I nodded sort of sadly. It's sort of comforting to know that we think the same way about things like this.
"I know that's scary, but I'm here for you. This must be hard for you and I want to help."
"It is hard but not in the way you're thinking." He took a deep breath before speaking again.
"My brother... wasn't the best. He was, well, cold and insensitive, and he never thought about how what he did might affect people. I mean, I know you knew a different side of him. But he only showed that to you. In the emails, he's this bright, happy, and caring person that I don't know. I want to miss that Logan. But that just isn't real to me.
"I knew the Logan that never cared about feelings or anyone else. I knew the Logan that never cared about me. And I want to miss him but I... I can't. And I can't miss the Logan from the emails either because I never knew him. I can't feel anything and I just wish I did." His eyes were shining with tears by the end and I pulled him into a hug. This was awful. I handed him a tissue when we pulled apart.
"I know that this is hard. Logan really was unwilling to show emotions, even to me sometimes. But it doesn't mean he didn't care about you." He wiped his eyes then looked at me in disbelief. I couldn't really control what was coming out of my mouth but it seemed ok.
"He thought you were... awesome." He shook his head.
"He thought I was awesome? My brother?" He sounded unsure. Sure, I was making all this up, but there was no way Logan just didn't care about him. And I was going to convince Roman of it.
"Definitely," I said, smiling a little.
"How?" Another tear streaked down his face and it took a good amount of willpower not to gently wipe it away for him.
"Well," I thought for a second.
"He said, there's nothing like your smile, sort of subtle, and perfect, and real." He smiled, just a bit, so I kept going.
"He said, you never knew how wonderful that smile could make someone feel." He still looked like he didn't believe me. Which is fair, because his brother probably never said that, but it's still true.
"And he knew, whenever you get bored you'd scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans." I chuckled a little when he smiled shyly.
"And he noticed, you still fill out the quizzes they put in those teen magazines." He sighed, but I could see just a bit of a smile on his face. I looked towards the ceiling.
"But he kept it all inside his head. What he saw, he left unsaid." The thought crossed my mind that maybe this wasn't the proper way to deal with/sort of confess my feelings, but I ignored it.
"And though he wanted to... he couldn't talk to you. He couldn't find a way... but he would always say..." I smiled at him, doing my best not to look like a lovesick idiot.
"If I could tell him, tell him everything I see. If I could tell him, how he's everything to me." I looked down at the floor.
"But we're a million worlds apart... and, I don't know how I would even start." Roman was fidgeting and looking away, so I stole a quick glance. He looked... devastated. When he looked back at me and I shot him another smile.
"If I could tell him. If I could tell..." Roman looked at me, sort of nervously.
"Did he say anything else?" I tilted my head for a second.
"About you?"
"No, nevermind, I don't really care-" I cut him off and waved my hands in protest.
"Nonono, he just, he said so many things, I'm just trying to remember the best ones." I racked my brain for the best things about him, and hell, it wasn't hard.
"He thought, you looked really pretty- er." I cleared my throat. "It looked pretty cool when you put indigo streaks in your hair."
"He did?" Roman laughed excitedly and I couldn't help but laugh with him.
"And he wondered how you learned to dance like all the rest of the world isn't there. But he kept it all inside his head, what he saw, he left unsaid." Roman was starting to look really happy so I kept going.
"If I could tell him, tell him everything I see. If I could tell him, how he's everything to me. But we're a million worlds apart." I beamed as he started to sing a harmony.
"And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell her. If I could tell her," I sang, changing the pitch. "But what do you do when there's this great divide."
"He just seemed so far away," Roman sang, almost wistfully.
"And what do you do when the distance is too wide."
"It's like I don't know anything"
"And how do you say. I love you." It had to be obvious that these were my feelings and not Logan's but Roman didn't seem to notice. "I love you." I couldn't help but stare into his eyes. His cliché perfect brown eyes that I could stare at forever. "I love you."
"I love you," I sang, hitting a higher note, letting my eyes drift closed. "But we're a million worlds apart..." I sang slowly, unwilling to hold eye contact with him. "And I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell him. If I could..." I shook my head slightly.
"Hey. You okay?" he asked. I finally looked at him again. There was an awkward moment of staring at each other before I did something I couldn't control.
I leaned forward quickly and kissed him. We barely even connected, and we both pulled back in an instant, but it still happened and I couldn't take it back.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry." I panicked and stood up, not really sure what to do with myself.
"Just... go, please. I can't do this right now."
"Okay. I'm so, so sorry." I grabbed my bag and walked out the door, storming straight home. I think I started crying but my brain was completely numb for the moment so I couldn't tell. It also started raining at some point. I seemed to remember the sky being clear when I went to their house in the first place today. And now it was just... grey.
As soon as I got home, I went straight to my room. Mom wasn't home, but I slammed my door anyway for emphasis. I threw my bag on the ground and flopped on the bed face first. I cried for god knows how long, and by the time I was too dehydrated to keep producing tears I needed something to eat anyway. I went back downstairs and grabbed... something or other to eat. My vision was sort of blurry from crying so much and whatever I grabbed was already gone by the time I thought to look at it.
Once I had finished two glasses of water, I went upstairs again to cry some more. Why not? I had ruined my next to nonexistent relationship with Roman, the only thing I was still living for, if I'm being honest.
I thought about what I had in this world. Friends? Patton, maybe, even though he was just a family friend. Family? Mom, technically, but she was never home. In other words I'm alone. Completely and utterly now. The only thing I have left is my fake friendship with Logan. I'm such a loser.
A loser who doesn't deserve love. From anyone.
If I cared about an ending I would make this better but nah. Idk what the hell is going on with where this will be in my book but I hope this isn't too confusing as like an epilogue to Only Us.
I'm gonna write Logicality and publish it I think in this if y'all don't mind because I have an idea (it's kind of angsty so :)))))
Christ I'm so far devolved in writing ability that I can't even make a proper authors note anymore. Wow.
Cheers, queers 💖💜💙