I wasn't expecting the phone call when it came. I was happy to hear from him though. He didn't exactly seem too pleased to be talking to me and he also sounded incredibly exhausted. I glanced at the clock and frowned. It was late for him as well. They were currently overseas playing all the festivals. They were the headlining band this year, which was a huge and amazing opportunity for them.
"You need to fly out here." He stated flatly. "It's out of hand."
"What?" I asked as I closed my eyes and braced myself for the answer. We both knew I was very aware of what, I just didn't want acknowledge it.
"It's Demi." He sighed. "I haven't seen her sleep in almost three days. She's shut everyone out. I don't know what to do."
"How bad?"
"It's bad." He sighed. "The worst I've ever seen her. She needs help. She needs you."
"I'll be there as soon as possible." I said quickly, swallowing the lump in my throat.
"I hope so." He said softly. "I'll see you soon Sel."
As soon as I hung up the phone I made arrangements to fly out that night. I had no idea what I would be walking into when I got there, but the fact that Matt called told me something wasn't right.
When I arrived in Portugal Matt arranged to meet at the airport and pick me up. I climbed into to the waiting SUV and hugged him.
"How was your flight?" He asked.
I noticed that he sounded sick. His voice was hoarse and gravely.
"It was good." I answered. "Are you ok? You don't sound too good."
"That's what I need to talk to you about." He basically whispered. "I need throat surgery. My voice is going. There's some damage and if I don't get it taken care of, the damage will be permanent."
"Oh my god." I said genuinely concerned. "What kind of time frame are we looking at?"
"The sooner the better." He said as he cleared his throat. "I can finish the next four shows but we have to cancel the rest of the tour. It's too much."
"I'll cancel it now if that's what you need." I said grabbing his hand.
"No." He said shaking his head. "I want to finish this leg."
"You sound terrible. How have you managed to sing sounding like that?" I asked.
"I'm on vocal rest." He explained. "I shouldn't be talking right now but it's important. She's killing herself Sel. Slowly but surely she's killing herself and these fucking morons you hired are letting her do it." He said in reference to the tour manager and the others that had been hired to assist the band.
I nodded as I listened.
"I can't see her like that anymore. She won't listen to me...and it's just, it's bad." He said sadly.
"How bad Matt?"
"You'll see for yourself." He said solemnly as we pulled up to the hotel.
"Are you going to be ok?" I asked touching his arm.
"I'll be fine." He smiled reassuringly. "My prognosis is good I just have to get the surgery."
"I'm glad to hear that." I said slightly relieved.
"Sel...help her. You're it. There's no one else." He said before opening the door and exiting the vehicle.
He wasn't lying when he told me it was bad.
***
I slowly opened the door to her hotel room and walked inside. Matt had given me the extra key. It was completely dark and it was absolutely freezing. I paused to allow my eyes the time to adjust to the inky blackness. Once I was able to see, I noticed the state of the room itself. It was a mess. Clothes, bottles and most disturbing of all, syringes littered the area.
I saw Demi slumped against the wall and as I approached her I had to fight to suppress the panic that had crept into my chest. I was terrified that she had finally accomplished what I could only assume she had set out to do in the first place, kill herself.
I kneeled down and let out a sigh of relief when I saw the steady rise and fall of her chest. She was breathing. I shook her gently in an effort to wake her but she continued to sleep. I assumed she was crashing. I stood up and started to clean up the room. I didn't really know what else to do. By the time I had the room cleaned and livable again, she started to stir.
"Hey." I said gently as I knelt down and cupped her cheek.
Slowly her dark brown eyes opened and focused on mine. There was nothing there. She was completely gone.
"Get me out of here Sel." Her voice cracked as she struggled to keep her eyes open. "Even if it's just for a few minutes. Please...please just get me away from here." She begged. "Just give me a few minutes..."
Those words would find their way into a song that to this day is difficult for me to hear. She was practically begging me to save her.
"Come on. Let's you get in the shower." I said gently as I helped her stand up.
She was so out of it. I'd be surprised if she remembered this tomorrow. It took quite a bit of effort for me to get her into the shower. She wasn't exactly coherent or helpful as I tried to undress her. When I realized she wouldn't be able to stand on her own and that I would have to support her weight, I opted to run her a bath.
"Demi." I said gently. "I need you to wake up baby. Come on. Open your eyes for me."
"I'm so fucking tired Sel." She mumbled as she rested her head on the porcelain ledge.
I couldn't believe how thin she was. It was heart breaking.
"I know." I said sadly as I ran a washcloth across her back. Her spine and rib age were clearly visible.
"I'm sorry." She rasped.
"It's ok." I said forcing a smile despite the fact she wouldn't see it anyway. She could barely life her head.
I continued to gently bathe her when she suddenly sat up and held her hands out in front of her body. She couldn't keep them steady. They shook as she sat there and stared at them. I couldn't tell if this was a symptom of withdrawals or something else entirely.
"I don't know how I ended up here." She rasped. Her voice was very hoarse. "I woke up one day and I just couldn't stop. I still can't. I keep trying to find a reason...an answer that makes sense and I...can't."
"Don't worry about that right now. I'm here." I said softly. "I've got you now."
She stood up on shaky legs and I handed her a towel. She seemed exhausted and weak. I had no idea how it even got to this point. If I would have been here, I would have never allowed her to get to this point. That was part of my job. I paid attention to everyone's health. It was an unspoken understanding.
She leaned her weight against me as I led her out of the bathroom.
"I need you to eat." I said as I sat her in front of the freshly prepared breakfast I'd had delivered.
"I can't." She grimaced.
"Please Demi." I pleaded.
"I'm seriously not hungry." She said as she continued to frown.
"I know, but I still need you to eat." I said gently. "Please. For me."
Reluctantly she picked up the fork and started eating. I could tell it was difficult for her. Not only was it a shock to her system, but there was no doubt in my mind she was incredibly hungover.
"This is making me sick." She said breathing heavily.
"When was the last time you had food?" I asked.
"I don't remember." She breathed as she forced herself to swallow the food.
"Dem..." I said sadly.
Her hands shook with every bite. She threw up a couple times and eventually she was able to keep some food down. It took everything I had not to let her see me break down. Inside I was shattered into a million pieces. It killed me to see her like this.
I felt so guilty. I felt like I could have stopped it from ever getting this far. I felt selfish and foolish. If I hadn't spent so much time away, she wouldn't be like this. She finished eating and immediately she rested her forehead against the table. She didn't have the energy to even keep her head up.
"You have stop doing this Demi. You have to stop hurting yourself." I said as the tears slipped down my cheeks.
"It doesn't matter." She mumbled without moving.
"When you do this...It hurts me. You're hurting me. Does it matter now?" I whispered as my voice shook.
Slowly, she picked her head up and looked at me. "That's the only thing that matters."
"You're breaking my heart Demi." I whispered. "I can't see you like this."
"I don't know what to do." She said as her voice cracked in desperation. "I want to stop but I don't know how. I can't."
"Let me help you." I said softly as I stood up and walked toward her.
I needed physical contact. I needed to feel her. I needed her to feel me. I grabbed her left hand and my eyes immediately landed on the bracelet that I had put on her wrist all those years ago. She never took it off. Ever. I always wore mine as well. I knelt down in front of her and wrapped my arms around her, resting my face against her abdomen. She felt small and frail in my arms. She absentmindedly stroked my hair as she sat in the chair with me holding onto her.
"I'm beyond help Sel." Her voice cracked. "It's too late. I'm so far away from gone. This is it for me. This moment right here, right now...this is as good as it gets for me."
"No." I cried into her stomach. "Don't you dare...don't you dare give up. I won't let you."
"I just can't do this anymore." She said as she broke down.
She sounded completely miserable and broken beyond repair. I realized then that I had to be the one to bare the weight of her addictions. She was beautiful, what she was going through was not. She lowered herself down to floor and laid her head in my lap as we both cried.
After what felt like an eternity, she sat up and pinched the bridge of her nose. Her eyes scanned the room searching for something. I had a good idea what she was looking for.
"It's all gone." I said softly. "I got rid of it."
"Why did you do that?"
"Because it's killing you."
"Maybe that's the point." She said as she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.
I looked at her feet and it took me a minute to register what I was seeing. I didn't notice it before and once I realized what caused it, I started crying again. She was shooting heroin up in between her toes to hide the puncture wounds. Her toes were black and blue from the bruising. That's how she was hiding it from everyone.
"What happened to you?" I cried. "Did I do this? Did I make you this way."
"No. You didn't do this." She said gently, no doubt upset by my crying.
"I don't understand Demi." I said as I wiped at the tears steadily streaming down my face.
"That makes two of us." She sighed. "Lay down with me...please. I'm tired."
That was her way of ending the conversation. I nodded and followed her over to the bed. I pulled her against my chest and rested my chin on top of her head. I could feel her entire body shaking. I held her tighter, not just for her benefit, but for mine. I crushed her against me and let out a long sigh. She was mine and I wouldn't let anyone or anything take her from me. I would fight until there was nothing left if that's what it took.
Slowly but surely I felt her body stop trembling and her breathing even out. She had fallen asleep. I continued to hold onto her as if my life depended on it.
"I would give up everything. Every piece of me, to make you whole again." I whispered into the cold dark room.
Several hours later she woke up panicked. It took me a couple of minutes to settle her down. Her withdrawal symptoms were worsening and I was becoming concerned.
"I need to get out of this room." She said frantically.
"Ok." I said as I pushed her hair out of her face. "I'll get you out of here."
I drove her to the beach. As we sat in the car she had her hands clasped together in her lap. The shaking was bothering her but she didn't complain. She had to be extremely uncomfortable but as usual, she remained silent. We pulled up and got out of the car. She opened the back door and grabbed the guitar she had brought along.
We walked toward the beach and sat at the edge of the water where the sand was slightly damp from the high tide. She kicked off her shoes and dug her bruised toes into the sand. I did the same. It was slightly chilly but I didn't mind. She seemed to be relaxed and I'd brave whatever discomfort I had to, to make her feel ok.
She picked up her guitar with shaking hands. She started to play and I could see her body immediately relax and settle. It was almost as if the music itself was therapy for her. It soothed her sick, trembling body into stillness. She closed her eyes and lost herself in the chords.
The cool salt water breeze blew through her dark brown hair as the sun peeked up over the horizon. It was a beautiful moment but even then the underlying tragedy was inescapable. Her future, as well as mine was unclear at this point. I didn't really even know if she had one. I didn't know if we had one. I just knew that I had her right now and she was safe.
She continued to play a beautiful melody as I sat and watched over her. She was close enough for me to reach out and touch, which is what I needed right now. I needed her close because for so long she'd been so far away from me. As the first rays of sunlight caressed her face, she smiled. I immediately pulled out my phone and took a picture.
She turned her head toward me and for a moment her eyes were bright and full of life. I took another picture. I remembered a long time ago when I used to take a million pictures in an attempt to chronicle everything. As time passed I took it for granted.
As she sat in the warmth of the early morning sun holding her life's work in her hands, she looked perfect and that's what the picture captured. It didn't show me her pain. It didn't show me the darkness. It showed me her, unburdened doing what she loved. I listened intently as she started to sing.
I've been searching for an exit, but I'm lost inside my head.
Where I spend every waking moment wishing I was dead.
For a few minutes get me away from here.
For a few minutes wipe away my tears.
For I am lost right now as the ocean deep.
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.
Yeah I am lost right now as the ocean deep.
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.
It's like there's cancer in my blood.
It's like there's water in my lungs.
And I can't take another step.
Please tell me I am not undone.
It's like there's fire in my skin.
And I'm drowning from within .
I can't take another breath.
Please tell me I am not undone.
I've been searching for an exit but I'm lost inside my head.
Where I spend every waking moment wishing this would end.
I can't take another step, I cannot live inside my mind.
I can't face another day, I am so fucking tired.
For I am lost right now as the ocean deep.
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.
Yeah I am lost right now as the ocean deep.
I am low my friend and how my heart does sink.
It's like there's cancer in my blood.
It's like there's water in my lungs.
And I can't take another step.
Please tell me I am not undone.
It's like there's fire in my skin.
And I'm drowning from within.
I can't take another breath.
Please tell me I am not undone.
I've been searching for an exit but I'm lost inside my head.
Where I spend every waking moment, wishing I was dead.
I'll take another step for you .
I'll shed my tears until I drown, or until I am underground.
I'll take another breath for you.
Will you still be there when I'm home, out from the great unknown?
It's like there's cancer in my blood.
It's like there's water in my lungs.
And I can't take another step.
Please tell me I am not undone.
It's like there's fire in my skin.
And I'm drowning from within.
I can't take another breath.
Please tell me I am not undone.
Like I said, it was hard for me to hear that song. Every time I heard it, it brought me back to the hotel room and the broken woman woman I found in it. It represented exactly how she felt in that moment in time. She was drowning from within and lost. She never said it but I knew that I caused her to step over the edge. It wasn't on purpose and maybe it was inevitable anyway, but I should have given myself to her a long time ago. I should have given her the love that she so desperately craved.
I loved her with all of my heart and I was afraid that I might be too late.
A/N: Hey guys. I just wanted to check in and thank you all for reading this. There's still a lot of story left to go. Your comments crack me up just so you all know. I also appreciate all of the wonderful compliments. I know you are all dying for Delena to happen. Patience. I promise we'll get there.
-Jay