The months after Demi's death were some of the hardest moments of my life. There were days when I couldn't even get out of bed. I cried constantly and I could hardly breathe. I had stopped going to work. I couldn't handle it. Everything reminded me of her. I barely left the house. It was all pointless to me.
I think my mom was wrong when she said that time would heal all wounds. The pain got worse everyday. Every room was filled with precious moments that would be lost to me forever. There would never be new memories made. She left so much undone. Her book still sat on the bed with the page folded to mark her place. She was on chapter 21. Who walked away at chapter 21?
Her things were still scattered about the house. Guitar picks, notebooks, clothes, little pieces of her that I'd never be able to replace. I left everything where she left it. I couldn't bare the thought of moving it and erasing her presence. The emptiness and isolation I felt was persistent. Her possessions became a prison to me.
My friends and family were desperate to help me. I didn't want their help, I just wanted Demi and they couldn't give me that. It was an impossibility. Instead, I pushed them away and shut them out. Jamie took it upon herself to check on me everyday. I barely spoke to her when she did. I was sick with grief and there wasn't a cure in sight.
Three months after the day I buried her, Jamie stopped coming. It was hard for her and I think that she needed a break. It was a lot for someone to take on. In her place Johnny showed up. His presence was far less understanding and disrupted me in ways that I will never be able to explain. He refused to accept the despondent state I was in and did everything he could to set me off. When he started moving her things around I nearly had a panic attack. The more he came around, the weaker I felt. I didn't have the energy to fight him.
I heard him walk through the door and announce his presence. Most days I simply ignored him. He walked through the bedroom door uninvited as usual. I didn't acknowledge him. He paused for a moment before speaking to me.
"Get up." He demanded.
"Go away." I said as I turned and faced away from him.
He let out a long sigh and yanked the blankets off.
"You don't get to do this. Demi wouldn't have wanted this."
"You don't know a damn thing about what Demi wouldn've wanted!" I snapped at him.
"I was her best friend!" He snapped back. "I would've been the best man at your fucking wedding if you two assholes would've told us you were getting married like regular people! But no, you did it secretly like a couple of weirdos. So yes. I know what she would've wanted. I knew her as well as you."
"Leave me be." I mumbled.
"No. You have a life that you're supposed to live. You're still here Selena. You have things to do." He said with conviction.
"It doesn't matter." I said as I choked back tears.
"Ok." He sighed. "You leave me no choice." He mumbled as he reached down and lifted the mattress, flipping me onto the floor.
"God dammit Johnny!" I yelled at him. "That hurt!"
"But you lived." He said as he knelt down next to me.
"I know what you're trying to do." My voice wavered. "And while I appreciate it, I'm not ready right now. I feel like I can barely breathe."
"I'm not asking you to do anything else but get out of bed." He said gently as he rested his hand on the small of my back.
He was right but I didn't care. Deep down I knew I couldn't keep doing this. With a great amount of resistance, I willed myself to stand up. I silently followed him down stairs and into the kitchen. I noticed that he'd opened the house up. All the windows and curtains were either opened or pulled back. The backdoor was also wide open, allowing the sun and fresh air to circulate through the house.
"I cooked you some breakfast." He said as he opened the fridge. "You should try to eat."
"You can cook?" I asked with hesitation as I looked at the plate of food sitting on the table.
"You're about to find out." He grinned.
I gave him a weak smile as I sat down at the table. He was careful not to overwhelm me and continued to move through the kitchen as he cleaned up after himself. I appreciated his silence and patience. It was the first time in over a week of left the bedroom. I didn't even want to take a guess as to what I looked like. I knew it wasn't pretty. I didn't really matter anymore anyway. She was gone.
"I hate myself for breathing without her." I said as my voice cracked.
"I know." He spoke carefully. "But you shouldn't."
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do."
"Me either." He said gently. "But it's time you started figuring it out."
***
He came back everyday and each time tested my patience and pushed me farther than I was willing to go. Today was no exception. Truth be told I was starting to become frustrated with him. It didn't matter what I said or did, he just kept coming back.
It took me a minute to process what was happening when I heard her voice drift into the bedroom. He was in the studio playing some of the demos that she had recorded. The ache that hearing her voice ignited in my chest was unbearable.
I immediately got out of bed and stormed downstairs into Demi's studio. She had a fully functional recording studio added to our house when we bought it. The band did a lot of work in there and it was her favorite room in the house. I hadn't stepped foot in their since she died.
"Turn it off." I snapped at him. "Now."
"Why?"
"It doesn't belong to you."
"Yes it does." He said firmly. "It belongs to all of us."
"No it doesn't."
"Selena." He sighed. "There's a part of Demi that belongs to you and no one else but this isn't it. This part of her, the music, is mine and the rest of the worlds. Don't keep it locked away. Don't do that to us."
"You have no right..."
"Neither do you!" He said his frustration evident. "You have no right to sit in this house all day wasting your life and holding the parts of her she left behind hostage. This music is meant to be heard it's all we have left Sel and you can't keep it to yourself."
"You can't come into my house and tell me what I'm supposed to do!" I yelled at him. "Or how I'm supposed to feel! It's my heart not yours! She was my wife not yours! And it's my life..."
"Not mine." He interrupted. "Yeah. I get it, and guess what? I don't care."
"Obviously!" I shot back.
"Listen to me." He said in a much gentler tone. He stood and walked toward me. "I understand what you're going through. I really do. I wanna help you Sel but you've gotta let me. You've gotta try."
"I don't want to." I barely whispered.
I found my resolve starting to crack, maybe it was the sound of Demi's voice as she sang or maybe it was the desperation in Johnny's eyes as he stood in front of me determined to salvage what was left of my life. I knew I was being unfair to him. I was twisting his actions into something evil when all he wanted to do was help. I was purposely pushing him away.
With a defeated sigh he walked back over to the control panel and turned the song off. The abrupt silence was startling. The emptiness settled over the room as we both stood there at a loss for words. He looked irritated like he might explode at any minute and I looked fragile as if I'd break into a million pieces. We were standing on opposite ends of the grief spectrum.
"Why are you doing this?" I finally asked him.
"Someone has to." He answered honestly. "You're sinking and everyday you slip farther and farther away."
"She should be her." My voice cracked in desperation.
"But she's not and you've got to accept that." He said gently.
"How?"
"I can't answer that for you. That journey is yours but you'll never get there if you don't start looking for a way past this. You're stuck babygirl and it's slowly destroying you. I can't let that happen. I love you too much and I know Demi wants you to be ok."
I stood and studied the man trying to save me from myself. Even if I didn't want to, the least I could do was try for his sake. For whatever reason he was compelled to fix me and I figured I could let him try. He was a good friend and Demi loved him immensely. Maybe I'd find more of her in him, they were similar in a lot of ways after all.
It didn't happen overnight and it wasn't easy, but little by little I tried to live again. I no longer locked myself away in the house. I began to reach out to the people that I had neglected for so long. Each day was a struggle for me, but as time passes it got a little easier. I returned to my regularly scheduled life and didn't look back.
It was during the night when I'd fall apart. There was no one but me and the mask I wore melted away and gave way to my loneliness and grief. I never knew how much I needed her until she just wasn't here anymore. With each passing day she faded more and more out of my life. Her clothes no longer smelled like her and it was hard for me to remember her laugh.
I knew it was mistake but I couldn't stop myself. I was panicked and I needed to pull her closer to me again. I turned on her laptop and started to go through all of our pictures and videos until I cried myself to sleep. I repeated this process over and over each day after wards.
She wasn't coming back and this was all I had left of her.