There was a moment when I realized that Demi might be under too much pressure. It was right after she and Ruby broke up. The band was on a break before heading to Europe. The paps and media were relentless. She had called me to meet her for dinner which I gladly accepted. Unfortunately people at the restaurant recognized her and once word got out the restaurant was swarmed with people. Ritchie did the best he could, but there were just too many people.
I remember the moment clearly. The flashbulbs were blinding and she was being swarmed by people. She looked absolutely miserable. The worst part was there wasn't a single thing I could do about it. She was completely exhausted and at her wits end. She looked underweight and I knew that the drugs and loneliness were taking their toll. I didn't know how to help her. I just watched as Ritchie fought through the crowd and crammed her into a waiting SUV.
I pushed my way through the crowd and got into my car. I heard my phone ringing and immediately recognized the number. It was Johnny's cell.
"Hello." I said into the receiver.
"Ms. Gomez?" A male voice asked.
"Yes. This is she." I answered.
"I'm calling on behalf of Johnny Seward."
"Ok..."
"He was involved in a car accident."
"Oh my god. Is he....did he..."
"He's fine." The man on the other end interrupted. "My name is Dr. Kline. I operated on him and he asked me to call you."
"Do you know what happened?" I asked once my nerves settled.
"No I don't. He only wants to talk to you."
"I'll be right there." I said quickly before hanging up.
I arrived at the hospital and checked in at the nurses station. She led me to Johnny's recovery room where Dr. Kline explained that Johnny had broken his ankle in a car accident and they had to insert some rods and screws. He had a mild concussion and a few bumps and bruises. Once the doctor gave the two of us some privacy, I spoke to Johnny.
"Hey." I smiled. "You alright?"
"Yeah." He rasped. "I wasn't drunk." He stated.
"I didn't ask..."
"I know but you were thinking it." He interrupted.
I nodded. "You know me well."
"I just wanted you to know that." He said softly.
"I'm gonna let you get some rest." I said as I squeezed his hand. "Natalie will be here in a bit to sit with you."
"Can you stay until she gets here?"
"Yeah." I smiled as I pulled a chair closer to his bed. "I'll stay with you."
"Thank you Sel. I hate hospitals." He sighed.
"I know."
"You know I love you right?" He grinned.
"Yeah. I know stupid. Go to sleep. I'll be right here." I said settling into the chair.
As promised I stayed until Natalie arrived. Johnny was fast asleep as she walked into the recovery room.
"He's probably gonna sleep for quite a while." I explained as Natalie approached me.
"What happened?" She asked softly.
"He got into a car accident. Someone ran a light and slammed into him." I answered.
"Was he..."
"No." I interrupted.
Natalie let out a sigh of relief. "Thank god."
"I know. It's the last thing we need right now." I agreed.
"You should go get some rest. I'm sure Nick misses you." Natalie smiled.
We said our goodbyes and I made my way down to my car. I braced myself for the paps as I headed for the exit. Luckily there were only a few. It didn't make them any less annoying, it just meant it would be easier to get through them. I put my head down and headed toward the parking garage.
"Is Nick Jonas infringing on your lesbian relationship with Demi Lovato?" A pap asked loudly.
I couldn't help it when I started laughing. It was one of the most ridiculous things I'd ever been asked. I didn't respond and kept walking. I heard my phone ring so I pulled it out of my pocket and put it to my hear.
"Hey." I said, smiling even though she couldn't see me.
"Can you come over?" She asked quietly.
"Yeah." I said as I continued to walk with cameras in my face. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah."
"Dem..."
"I'll see you when you get here." She said before hanging up..
I unlocked the door to my car and climbed in. She didn't sound good at all. During dinner earlier she seemed kind of off as well. I carefully pulled out of the parking spot as I avoided hitting any of the camera wielding locusts. I never could understand why they followed me. I wasn't a celebrity. I drove to Demi's house in silence. I wasn't sure what I'd be faced with when I arrived.
***
She opened the door and stepped aside. I walked in and immediately felt the sadness. She lived in this house all alone. She spent so much time here, hiding from everyone. It was her own personal prison. The house itself was full of Demi's stuff, but much like her eyes, it lacked life.
"How's Johnny?" She asked quietly.
"He's ok." I said confidently.
"I would have gone but all the paps and people....it's just..."
"He knows." I said reassuring her.
She sighed as she made her way into the sitting room. The blinds were drawn and it was dark. A small lamp illuminated the gloomy room. Every thing about this house seemed to match her mood.
"Demi you're frustrated. Talk to me."
"It's fucking stupid. It doesn't matter." She sighed.
"It does matter. You matter and you always will. Talk to me Dem. please?"
She sat and tapped her foot rapidly for several moments. I watched as she ran her fingers through her hair. She let out a deep sigh then proceeded to open up.
"Do you remember my ex Dylan?"
"Of course."
I knew it was only a matter of time before this came up again. It always lurked beneath the surface.
"I walked away from her because I couldn't deal with all of her issues and I left behind a little girl that didn't do anything wrong. I just left her for no fucking reason. I know I've talked to you about this, but it's literally what my fucking father did to me and I'm not ok with it. I get online and read all these fucking messages that people send me begging for me to save them or telling me that I'm the reason they're alive and all I can think about is Brooklyn. What if I'm the reason she turns out fucked up. What if I turn her into one of those people? I left her and she needed me to stay. It's not her fault her moms a fucking crack whore."
"Dem..."
"It's fucked up Sel. It eats at me everyday. These people think I'm some fucking saint. They don't know shit. I'm barely making it through the day. I'm a fucking alcoholic junkie. I'm not a role model and I can't save these people."
"It's not your job to save them Demi."
"Look at this shit." She said angrily as she handed me her phone. "I can't do this. I don't know how to."
I looked down at her phone and sure enough, her twitter app was opened. I don't think people meant to place the burden of their sorrow on her, but they did and she took it to heart. It was who she was. She cared about people, even if she had no idea who they were. She loved her fans and it drove her crazy.
I read through some of the tweets and messages and swallowed the lump in my throat. I couldn't imagine the pressure she was under.
"You can't save all these people." I whispered. "It's not even possible. You..."
"Stop saying that!" She snapped. "It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I should do something. It doesn't change the fact that I feel guilty..."
"Demi. Listen to me." I said firmly taking her face in my hands. "You didn't just walk away. I know you didn't. I saw the court paperwork and I saw the texts with the lawyer. You tried to get her and they said no. It's not your fault."
"It doesn't matter."
"It does matter Demi...to me" My voice cracked. "I know you and I know how hard you tried"
"Selena." She sighed.
She sounded annoyed.
"I'll go." I said softly.
"No." Her voice was firm and steady. "Stay. I need you here. Please?"
"Ok." I said as she paced back and forth. "I'll stay"
She sat at the piano and started to play a melancholy song. She kept playing until she liked what she heard. After about an hour she had worked out an entire melody. She played it several times until she had it completely memorized. I sat and watched without interrupting. She pulled out her phone and pressed the record button as she started from the top. This time she started singing.
Let the ocean take me.
You've gotta know kid that it ain't easy.
To take on all of your grieving, yeah you gotta believe me.
Well don't lean on me 'cause I am falling, please don't fall with me.
I really need you here, yeah I need you so don't leave.
And don't count on me 'cause I am drowning, please don't drown with me.
Just hold me in your heart, let the ocean take me.
And you think I don't read every message that you send?
You think I turn a blind eye, you think I'm just like them?
It breaks my heart, all these stories bring me to tears, all this grief.
I feel so fucking helpless when I can't be your relief.
Well don't lean on me 'cause I am falling, please don't fall with me.
I really need you here, yeah I need you so don't leave.
And don't count on me 'cause I am drowning, please don't drown with me.
Just hold me in your heart, let the ocean take me.
There is hope in my eyes, there is hope in these words.
And there are far too many reasons for you to stay here on this earth.
Stay with me.
Well don't lean on me 'cause I am falling, please don't fall with me.
I really need you here, yeah I need you so don't leave.
And don't count on me 'cause I am drowning, please don't drown with me.
Just hold me in your heart, let the ocean take me.
Let the ocean take me.
By the time the song finished, my heart hurt. The way her voice cracked when she sang and the raw emotion left me frozen in place. She was hurting and I had no idea how to comfort her. My mouth was dry as I found the courage to speak.
"That was beautiful." I said breaking the silence in the room.
"Thank you." She whispered.
She stood up and walked toward me.
"Stay with me tonight. I don't wanna be alone. There's no telling what I might do."
I was terrified. I didn't know what she was insinuating. It could have been anything really. Drugs, alcohol, or another option I just didn't want to even think about.
"I'm not going anywhere." I said softly.
She reached for my hand and pulled me toward her. I felt my heart beat rapidly at the sudden closeness.
"You're a good friend Selena." She said as she wrapped me up in a tight embrace.
"Can you promise me something?" I mumbled against her shoulder.
"Hmm?"
"Can you stop?" I asked pulling away so I could look in her eyes. "Please? Just try. For me."
She knew what I was talking about. I didn't have to be specific.
"Yeah. I'll stop." She said nodding her head.
"Promise?"
"I promise."
The look in her eyes told me she meant it. I trusted her and I knew she would try. I didn't expect her to be perfect, because I knew she wasn't. I just wanted her to take it easy on herself. I didn't want to lose her over something stupid.
I watched as she walked over to the window that overlooked the city. The window itself was rather large and took up most of the wall. She pulled the blinds aside revealing a sky full of dark gray clouds. I would have laughed at the irony but I wasn't really in the mood.
"I hate this fucking house." She grumbled.
"Why did you buy it?"
"Ruby wanted it." She explained as she plopped down on the sofa.
"Ah." I said nodding. "Makes sense."
"I'm gonna sell it."
"Where will you live?"
"Who fucking cares. Anywhere but here."
"Demi..."
She sighed in response. "I'm sorry Sel. I'm just in a shitty mood. Promise me that no matter what you'll ways be my friend."
"Of course."
"I mean it. No matter what. I will never fucking recover if I lose you. You're the only person that makes any sense to me in this circus of a life I have."
"Demi." I said sitting down and grabbing her hands. "I promise."
She held onto my hand and rubbed her thumbs across my knuckles. She still seemed so distracted and preoccupied.
"I love you." She said in very serious tone as she looked over at me. "Thank you for everything."
I swallowed before answering. "Love you too Dem and you're welcome."
The words seemed heavy and powerful.
"You've been here since the beginning. I couldn't imagine all of this without you. You're like the only normal person know." She chuckled lightly. "You keep me grounded in reality...all of us really."
"Someone's gotta do it." I smiled.
She looked back toward the window just as it started to rain. She let go of my hand and stood. I watched as she walked over to the sliding glass door, opened it, then stepped out onto the balcony. Within seconds she was drenched. She smiled and tilted her head back as the rain washed across her face. For a brief second, I was jealous of the rain. The rain gave her what I couldn't, peace.
I sat and watched as she shook her hair out and pushed it out of her face. Her gaze met mine and the look in her eyes sent chills down my spine. She stepped back into the house dripping wet. She walked toward me slowly and came to a stop directly in front of where I was sitting. She pulled me up off the couch and as I stood there in front of her, I watched as the remaining rain drops slid down her face and dripped from her chin.
"Lets go to bed." She rasped, breaking the silence.
The tension was thick and almost unbearable. Whatever was happening between us was causing me to feel panicked. I wanted to run but at the same time the thought of being away from her killed me. Not once did Nick even cross my mind.
Silently, I followed her into her bedroom. It was dark with the exception of the moonlight that spilled in through the sheer curtains. She rummaged around in her dresser and handed me pajamas. Without bothering to go into a separate room, I undressed and changed into them. She watched the entire time.
We climbed into bed and without a second thought I was in her arms. We laid there in silence until I couldn't take it anymore. I had to say something. The silence was killing me.
"Demi." I said as I cleared my throat. "I don't like the pink hair."
She laughed and squeezed me tightly. "Go to sleep." She grinned.
And I did.