Chapter 26
The grip I had on my pillow tightened, my arms constricting around it like I was holding onto it for dear life. I was laying on my bed. A very sleepy Devon had fallen asleep next to me on the mattress. It was late afternoon. Sunlight shone through the window of my bedroom telling me that I should get up, that I couldn’t just lay there all day. But, I refused to listen. I had spent most of my day in this spot.
With everything that had happened yesterday, all my energy had been drained. I had thought that nothing could get worse after hearing that James had found Ashton but, I had been wrong. The fear caused by that news, combined with the fear that came with all of Ashton’s late night phone calls, was enough to paralyze me. Too much was happening too quickly and I didn’t know how to handle it.
Then of course there was also the voicemail. After my conversation with Alex late last night, I still hadn’t been sure what to do. I had sat in the living room, staring at my cell phone for a good hour. My heart had been pounding as I contemplated my decisions. I had tried to come up with all the possible outcomes that could result from listening or not listening to the voicemail. Eventually, I had given in.
I rolled over on my bed, turning to face Devon. He was sound asleep. I still felt my mind was spinning from yesterday’s events. It didn’t feel real. As I remembered everything that happened, unexpectedly, Ashton’s words came rushing back to me. I took a deep breath as I tried to prepare myself for the same voice message that had played over and over in my mind since I had listened to it last night.
“…Hey…Maddie,” Ashton sounded extremely nervous. I could imagine his squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to come up with something to say. “Um, sorry if I woke you. I just… I can’t do this anymore,” He paused to take a deep breath. “I-I can’t keep sitting around, feeling sorry about what I did to you,” Another pause. “Remember our last phone call? The one where I said I wasn’t ready? The one where you cried so hard that is crushed my soul into a million pieces? The sound of you bawling like that… it still haunts me...” Ashton’s voice sounded pained. By the tone in his voice, it seemed like he was telling the truth, and it killed me. “And I know that that was just the beginning of your misery… and I’ve never felt worse about anything in my entire life.
I’ve felt extremely guilty since that phone call and every day since then. I thought the guilt would die down after a while but, it was just the complete opposite. It’s been eating me alive over the years and I-I can’t take it anymore,” I could picture him biting his lip and he poured out all of his bottled up emotions. “I know it probably seemed like I was ignoring you a-and I’m sorry... But, it was actually so painful for me. I couldn’t go one day without feeling like I was slowly getting ripped apart. I was afraid to see you or talk to you… because I knew you wouldn’t let me in and give me a chance to make everything better. I knew you’d end up screaming at me and I didn’t want to hurt you anymore,”
Ashton took another shaky breath before continuing on. “If you ever hear this message, just know that I’m sorry. I’ll never be able to make it up to you, I know that, But, I-I just can’t go on living like this, Mad. I just wanted to apologize for anything and everything I’ve ever done to you. I guess… I guess that’s all I can really say right now. I-I just thought you needed to know…”
Just thinking about what he had left me in my voicemail caused my heart to pound. I never expected for Ashton to ever say anything like that to me. I never expected to hear about how he had been just as miserable as I had been. I didn’t want to know that Ashton had been in pain because of his decision to abandon both me and his unborn child. Just hearing his voice as he tried to apologize, it hurt me. I felt all the wounds reopening. What was I supposed to do? How did I continue on from this point? What would the next step in my life be?
“It’s too much,” I whispered to myself, lifting a hand to brush the hair off Devon’s forehead. “H-how am I even supposed to react to that? What now?”
As I continued to watch Devon for a while, I felt more and more exhausted. It wasn’t surprising considering that I had been woken up at 4 am and was unable to fall asleep for hours after that. In that moment I regretted listening to the voicemail. It had caused of my lack of much needed sleep.
I grew tired. My eyelids were beginning to feel heavy. My body was ready for a nap.
The next thing I knew, I was forced awake by the sound of the doorbell. Eventually, I had to get up. I couldn’t ignore it for much longer, no matter how badly I wanted to continue laying on my bed. I groaned as I sleepily hoisted myself off the mattress, careful not to wake Devon. I wasn’t even sure how long it had been since I had started to get tired. Had I even fallen asleep? I didn’t know.
Slowly I shuffled across the room and into the hallway. As I headed towards the kitchen and doorway area, I began to wonder why the doorbell was ringing. I glanced at the clock on the microwave as it appeared in my view. Drew didn’t normally get off the school bus for another ten minutes. Maybe he had gotten home early and forgotten his key.
The doorbell went off again as I approached it. I stretched my arms and pushed my hair out of my face. Sometimes he was just so impatient. I arrived in front of the door and unlocked it, grabbing the door handle and swinging it open.
“Well, you’re home earl-” My smile faded as the door fully swung open and I came face to face with the person on the other side. It wasn’t my brother. My eyes widened in pure terror and my heart began to pound. A very beaten and battered looking Ashton was standing before me. His lower lip was split and swollen. His right eye was turning black and blue. There were also a few scabbed over cuts on his face. He had his hands tucked into the back pocket of his jeans, causing the sleeves of his grey hoodie to bunch up at the ends.
As I took in the sight before me, I couldn’t breathe. His piercing blue eyes were staring down at me hesitantly. They seemed to keep me frozen in place and I couldn’t tear my gaze from him. I swore I could almost feel my whole body shaking from the tremors that my frantically beating heart was creating.
Ashton was here. I felt my heart ache as I looked at him. He looked different, older. Not like the 16 year old boy I remembered him to be. His blonde hair was shorter. He seemed to be taller than before. He looked more like... an adult. And, I was horrified of him.
“Hey-”
Before he could say anything else, I gripped the wooden door with both hands and attempted to slam it shut as hard as I could. I wasn’t ready for this. Why on Earth was he here? What made him think that he could just show up at my front door and that everything would be fine? Didn’t he know he was already pushing his luck with the voicemail from last night? Wasn’t that enough?
I pushed against the door with all my might but, it still wasn’t closing. He was pushing back. He was trying to keep me from locking him out. I tried to remain calm as I leaned all of my weight against the door, but I was starting to hyperventilate. There was no way I was stronger than him. There was no way I was going to win this battle. Instantly, I became even more afraid of him. I wasn’t ready for this. Too much was happening too fast, and I couldn’t take it.
“Maddie, wait! I just want to talk to you!”
I squeezed my eyes shut. His voice… it was a little lower than I remembered. It sounded a little different in real life than it had in the voicemail. Another ache was sent through my heart. He had hurt me so much in the past, what had given him the guts to show up after all this? What made him think that it was okay for him to do this? He said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore…Didn’t he realize that he was doing just that by making any attempt to talk to me?
The muscles in my arms began to tremble. I wasn’t going to last much longer. I had to fight him, though. If I managed to shut the door then I wouldn’t have to listen to whatever he had to say. I wouldn’t have to look at his face. I wouldn’t have to be reminded of how much physical and emotional pain he had caused me.
My socks started to slide across the floor as I struggled. No, no, no, no. He couldn’t be beating me. I couldn’t let him in. I felt my throat begin to close up at the thought of what could possibly come next.
The next thing I knew, I was flying backwards from the sudden force he had put on the door. I stumbled but caught my balance before I could fall. I cautiously looked up at the doorway. It was wide open and he was standing there in front of me. He took a few steps inside, gently swinging the door shut behind him as he made his way towards me.
“You get the hell away from me!” My voice was unsteady as I began to retreat away from him. All the fear that was present in my body made it difficult to move. What made him think that he could just barge into my house? I had nothing to say to him!
“I just want to talk…” He took another cautious step towards me, making me take another step back. His eyes were pleading.
“I gave up trying to talk to you! I have nothing left to say to you!” My palms were getting sweaty as I stared at him. He seemed to be both uncomfortable and afraid of my reaction to his presence. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest as I took in the sight before me. “I tried! But, you refused to listen!”
“I’m sorry... I didn’t know what to say,” Ashton continued to move forward cautiously until he was about a foot away from me. “But, I do now.”
I tried to keep moving backwards but, my back hit the wall. There was nowhere for me to go. My stomach churned and I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up. This couldn’t be happening. My throat choked up as I stared at him. At one point in time he had been so good for me. It killed me to think about how much had changed.
He reached his hand out to touch my arm. When I felt the brush of his fingers, I flinched. I ripped my arm away from him and glared at him with teary eyes, cradling the arm he had touched to my chest. There was a time when I loved the feeling of his touch, a time when holding his hand sent jolts of giddiness through my body. Those days were long gone. Now it felt like he was burning my skin, like a red hot branding iron. It hurt to think of how times had changed. When we first started dating, I never thought that there would come a time when he was the thing I hated most in the world. Never in a million years would I have ever thought that I would become so completely and utterly afraid of him.
“Well I don’t want to hear it,” I spat, quickly blinking in an effort to clear my vision. “And so help me God, if you ever touch me again…”
He dropped his hand and looked at me pleadingly. “Please, just listen to me,” He was begging. I felt my heart ache at the sight of the defeated look in his eyes. “I never meant to hurt you like that. I didn’t want to abandon you… But, in that one moment… I guess I just freaked out. I didn’t know how to handle it,” It really seemed like Ashton was trying his hardest to make me understand his side of the story. I, on the other hand, was trying my hardest not to listen. I looked away from him, biting my lip as I stared at nothing in particular with tear filled eyes. “I wanted to come back to you, Maddie. Please believe me when I say that. I-I wanted to somehow… make you feel better, to fix what I did… I was just so afraid that if I came back when I wasn’t ready, that you’d drag me down with… your frantic problems. I wanted to ease myself into it… I didn’t want to drown.”
After that, he paused. My guess was that he was waiting for some kind of response from me. I stayed quiet, not knowing how to respond to that. It seemed to me that Ashton wanted me to shrug the past three years off and act like they never happened. He was insane if he thought that that would happen.
I remained silent. Part of me wanted to stay that way, not speaking another word until Ashton gave up and left. Another part of me wanted to say every thought I’d ever had, that related to our situation. I nervously continued to chew on my lip while all of my emotions twisted and condensed inside me. After a while, I spoke up.
“So…” I took an unstable breath, preparing myself to make eye contact with him again. “All it took for you to change your mind about… all of this…w-was for my brother to track you down and beat the living shit out of you?” I looked back up at him with frustration. I changed the topic, switching the focus back over to my side of the argument. I didn’t care to hear any more about how Ashton knew of his mistakes. “Are you kidding me? He literally had to knock some sense into you?”
“Maddie, I’m so sorry,” Ashton didn’t seem affected by my anger towards him. He still had the same apologetic, devastated look on his face. “Look…I screwed up, big time. I know you’re furious with me, and you have the right to be!” Ashton’s eyes burned into mine. The close distance made me feel claustrophobic. I hated having him this close to me. I hated seeing every last detail on his face. “I’ve never felt guiltier in my life about anything, believe me! I-Is there anything I could possibly do to…to ever make it up to you? “
“You can fucking leave before I call the cops!” Before I had a second thought, it slipped out. My whole body felt extremely panicked, in an almost unhealthy way. I wanted nothing more than for Ashton to get out as soon as possible so that I could be left alone to sit on the floor and cry. There was no way I would ever consider giving him the chance to make it up. There was no way he could repay me for what he did.
He sighed and ran his hands through his blond hair. He looked like he had expected this response from me. “I don’t expect you to forgive me…okay? I just- ever since I refused to talk to you, the guilt started building up inside me. It’s eating me alive! I can’t just keep ignoring you anymore, Madelynn! I need to try and make things right! I need to make it up to you!” He stared at me and I couldn’t help but stare back, still keeping myself pushed against the wall, keeping myself as far from him as possible. By this point Ashton looked extremely heartbroken. A trace of tears began to well up in his eyes.
“There is no way you can ever make it up to me!” I took a step away from the wall, bringing me closer to him. A sudden rush of frustration ran through my body. Why didn’t he understand that I didn’t want this? I didn’t want him to come crawling back to me. It was too late. “Never in a million years would I even consider letting you back in my life.”
He instantly took a step back, not expecting my sudden outburst. “I hurt you and I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. But I can’t just keep acting like nothing happened! I can’t just go about my life when I know that you’re suffering because of me!”
“Well, for your information, Ashton, I’m not suffering anymore,” I paused to take a much needed breath. My head was spinning again. My throat burned as I fought off the urge to start bawling my eyes out. “I’m… no longer struggling to get by… or trying to mentally handle what happened! I’ve been done with the thought of you since the day I accepted that you were ignoring me.” I blinked a few times, controlling my emotions as he watched me cautiously. I was getting to the point of giving up. Ashton refused to accept what I was telling him and I was getting fed up with it. “I learned to purposely forget you, just like you forgot me! I don’t need you!”
Ashton gulped. He looked both afraid of my reaction and a little nervous about it. It seemed like all he wanted to do was to make up for his long absence and help me out but, there was no way I could just do that. He was obviously running out of ways to get his point across and change my mind about things.
My eyes stung and my throat burned as I tried my best to keep my expression serious. I needed him to give up this ridiculous idea. It was too late to change anything.
Ashton watched me pleadingly. He seemed almost devastated that I refused to see the situation any differently after what he had told me. He opened his mouth to speak but a certain sound cut him off.
Off in the nearby distance, Devon was crying. “Moooooommy!” He yelled between cries.
I instantly became paralyzed, my bones freezing in place. My eyes widened and were instantly glued on Ashton, who was a couple of feet away from me. I began to panic. Now what was I going to do? I had no idea how to react to this. I had no idea how Ashton would react to this. But, I felt the need to keep whatever I could, a secret from him. Ashton hadn’t bothered to find out anything about Devon before so I wasn’t about to let it start now.
Ashton’s head whipped to the side as he registered the sound, seeming compelled as he stared down the hall. His eyes widened in awe at what he was hearing. From the look on his face, I could tell that he had been waiting for so long to be introduced to his child. If he felt so bad about leaving me, then of course the urge to see his own baby would’ve grown pretty strong over the years. The last thing he knew about Devon was that I was pregnant with him. As far as I knew, he hadn’t even known that I had had his baby. I hadn’t shared any information about Devon to anyone other than my family to make sure that Ashton never found out. I had been afraid that maybe if he’d heard anything about him that he come crawling back just for Devon and still wouldn’t want anything to do with me.
Devon was still crying for me off in the distance. This was the worst thing that could’ve possible happened in this situation. The yelling and arguing from both me and Ashton had woken him up. It made my skin crawl to know that Ashton had discovered that his child was here. His child. Yeah, right. Devon didn’t belong to him. He was mine and mine alone. I had been the one to raise him all this time. The way I saw it, Ashton didn’t deserve to play any part in his life.
“I-Is that…” Ashton took one step in the direction of the noise, swallowing nervously. It seemed that he had suddenly forgotten the purpose of why he was here. He was no longer determined to fix the problems he had created for both of us. It seemed like at that moment, nothing mattered more to him than that sound. He was awestruck by it, like it was the most beautiful thing in the world.
“Don’t you dare take another step,” I gritted my teeth, not enjoying the satisfaction he was receiving from this. I was no longer afraid for myself. I was afraid for Devon. I didn’t want him to meet his father. I didn’t want to think about how he might react to that. “You stay the hell away from him.”
Ashton’s head quickly turned in my direction. His expression was soft as he stared at me in wonder. “Him?”
I fought back the urge to smack him. “Do you realize how sad this is? You don’t even know the gender of your own child!” I mentally cursed myself for letting that detail about Devon slip out. I had meant to keep everything a secret. In my opinion, Ashton didn’t deserve to know anything about him.
I watched Ashton intensely, feeling myself becoming upset again about what was happening. It killed me to see that this was Ashton’s reaction to find out about Devon. I had always thought that he would’ve been afraid of meeting him after the last conversation we had. The last thing I expected was for him to completely fall in love with him at the sound of his cries.
“…You never told me I had a son…” It seemed like he was ignoring me as he glanced back in the direction of the hallway.
“He’s not yours,” I spat. I silently prayed the Devon would stay where he was in my room and not climb off the bed and come running down the hall. My heartbeat quickened at the thought of it. “He is mine! And I swear to God, you will never see his face. His life is perfectly fine without having a-a father like you!”
His breath caught in his throat and he looked at me with tears in his eyes. “Maddie, please…”He moved closer to me, causing me to flinch away from him. “Every child deserves to have a father figure in their life… You can’t just… deny him that.” He stared into my eyes pleadingly, begging me for a chance to fix everything he had broken.
“The father figure doesn’t always have to be the father,” Just seeing that I was the cause of his sudden pain felt like a stab to the heart. The part of me that used to love him was aching at the sight of the tears that were forming in his eyes. “I have two brothers and Al- and other people for that. There is no… empty place in his life that you could possibly fill.”
The sound of Devon’s cries were starting to die down. I did my best to fight off the urge to sprint into my bedroom and comfort him.
Ashton looked extremely hurt at my words, telling him that he wasn’t needed in Devon’s life. Then his eyebrows scrunched together in confusion as he tried to figure out what I had been about to say. “You’re not…you’re not still hanging around that Alex kid, are you?”
I gulped and just stared back at him, trying not to show any signs of recognition of what he was talking about. The last thing I wanted was to have to drag Alex into this. He had done nothing to Ashton. For all I knew, Alex had never even had a real conversation with him.
“Please tell me that that… freak… is not one of the father figures you had in mind,” Ashton seemed to be in disbelief. He was clearly upset that I refused to let him into Devon’s life and that I had also allowed Alex to play such a big role. Ashton was jealous. “You’ve let that guy near my son, but you’re not going to let me even look at him? Please tell me you’re joking!”
I watched him with determination. There was no way I was just going to give into Ashton, instantly decide to give him a chance, and drag him down the hall to introduce him to his son. “I’ll do whatever the hell I want!”
Ashton huffed and pushed his hair back with his hand. His eyes wandered toward the direction of the hall again. Devon’s former cries were barely noticeable now. Ashton quickly looked back at me before lunging in the direction of Devon’s room.
“No!” I sprinted after him, feeling like I was going to throw up. After everything he had told me, I had started to think that Ashton would be understanding about why I felt this way. I had expected him to respect my decisions and not force me into anything I didn’t want to do. After a couple of steps, his feet hit the kitchen floor. I jumped and managed to tackle him from behind. His body hit the tile with a thud. “I will NOT let you anywhere near him!” My vision became blurry with tears again as I tried my best to pin Ashton down and keep him from getting any farther. I knew my chances of holding him off were slim but, I had to try.
“…Get… off….of...me…” He forced the words out, trying to wrestle his way out. He spun and turned, flailing his limbs every which way. He wasn’t rough about it though, it seemed like he was trying to be careful, like he didn’t want to end up accidently hurting me.
“Ashton, please,” I begged, struggling to keep him where he was. He was far stronger than I was. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold him off, no matter how hard I tried. “Please don’t make me do this… I’m not ready!” I spoke softly through my tears. “If you want me to give you a chance, you can’t expect to get it by forcing me into this! All of this is already too much for me to handle as it is!”
My words seemed to get to him because his attempts to fight me off, slowed. He still managed to push me off of him. I landed on my butt, throwing my arms back behind me to catch myself. I sat there stunned, as I stared at him. He was also sitting on the floor, about four feet from me. Fear ran through my body as I expected to see him jump up and race down the hall in search of his son.
Ashton sighed and put his head in his hands, making no effort to get up. “I-I’m sorry, Mad. I’ve just… I’ve been wishing that I could see… him… off so long…” Even his voice sounded pained. He lifted his head back up to look at me. “I didn’t even know if…if he made it or not, you know? I never knew if anything had happened. I guess hearing him… it just caught me off guard…”
I watched him, unsure of what to do next. All I could do was stare at him with hatred for what he had just tried to do. I blinked back the remains of my tears, realizing that Ashton wasn’t going to try and see Devon again.
We stayed like that for a while, just sitting on the kitchen floor staring at each other. Ashton watched me cautiously, like he was afraid of all the other hurtful things that I could say to him. His expression was also pleading, begging me to understand his side of the story. The silence made me uncomfortable. As much as I didn’t want to hear him speak, I didn’t want to sit in silence with him either.
Eventually, he got up off the floor and made his way over to me. “I’m sorry, Maddie. I’m so sorry for everything…” He reached a hand out to me, offering to help me up off the kitchen floor.
I stared up at him hesitantly, not wanting to touch him, not wanting to get up. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I wanted him to leave.
Suddenly the sound of a door opening echoed throughout the room. “Hey!” A voice yelled. I instantly looked toward the sound to find Drew standing in the front door of the house, his backpack slung over his shoulder. I let go of the breath that I hadn’t been aware I had been holding. Ashton jumped at the sound, turning around quickly. “What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” Drew's face became filled with anger as he took in the scene before him.
Ashton nervously ran a hand through his hair. “Look man, I just came over here to talk, okay? I-I had to tr-” He was cut off.
“I don’t care why you’re here!” Drew stomped over to us looking furious. “Get the hell out!” He pointed to the door.
Aston hesitated, obviously not wanting to deal with another angry Maslow. Just from looking at him I could tell that the last thing he wanted was to repeat yesterday’s events. He had enough injuries already. He glanced back over at me longingly.
I looked away, unable to cope with what was happening any longer. “P-Please just leave…” I closed my eyes tightly, wishing desperately that things could go back to the way they were just a few days ago.
After a few seconds, I heard him start walking away. His footsteps got slightly quieter as he made his way to the door. I heard him close it behind him. I heard the faint sound of him walking down the steps of the porch, outside. I heard him get in his car, start it, and drive away. Only then did I feel safe enough to open my eyes.
Drew turned his gaze away from the front door and back to me, his expression going soft. “Are you alright?” I remained silent, not knowing what to say to him. He dropped his backpack down on the floor next to him and sat down on the floor beside me, wrapping his arms around me in a comforting gesture. I guess he took my silence as a ‘no’.
My eyes instantly filled with tears as I thought about everything that had just happened. All the events that had occurred these past few days were too overwhelming and I couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing Ashton like this and being forced to talk with him had only made me realize just how much he had hurt me. Everything just kept getting worse and worse. If it continued in that pattern, then what awful thing was going to happen next?