So many of you are sending me stuff and it's all so God and Gahhh you're all damn fine lil shits and I sail you all with Claum
“She said that?”
“Yeah!”
“I mean, if Des said that to me I’d probably just flip her off but you and your sister actually have like one of those nauseating sweet relationships so I don’t know what to tell you.”
Shrugging Michael took a large bite of his pizza.
“I mean, I’m not trying to pick sides Ashton but it does sound kind of like you were mean to the babysitter.” Luke said slowly, ripping the crust of his pizza into shreds and feeding it to his cousin who was sitting on his lap wearing his sunglasses which were entirely too big for her face.
“She started it!” I cried.
“Who started what?” Liz questioned, walking outside to the back patio where we were sat with a pitcher of fruit punch.
“Ashton was a meanie to this girl and then his sister got mad and the babysitter quit and now he’s bummed because he think fame has changed him.”
“Luke sweetheart,” Liz sighed, “What have I told you about run on sentences?”
“To not to,” he muttered.
Sighing in defeat she nodded, “Yeah.”
“Why can’t you just hire the girl back?” Calum questioned.
“Because!” I cried, “She scares me!”
“She’s a girl!” Luke laughed.
“What does that matter?” Liz demanded, “DO I scare you?”
“No Mommy.” He replied.
“Is that so?” she asked, placing a hand on her hip.
His eyes widening Luke shit his head, “I mean, yes! Yes you do!”
“Mmm-hmmmm.” She muttered, “You better be afraid.”
“Why?” Michael asked.
“I’ve heard things.” She answered.
“What kind of things?” Calum asked.
“Things like you hung out with that Kendall Girl?”
“Oh that,” I mumbled.
“Yeah, that.” She replied, “Who had fun keeping up with the Kardashian?”
“They don’t like to be called Kardashians.” Luke whispered tentatively, “They’re….”
“Jenners.” Liz interrupted, “I know. That’s really rich though, since the only reason they’re famous is the Kardashians, you don’t see those Jenner boys on magazine covers, Brendon or Brad or Brandon and Buddy, or Bucky or…”
“Brody.” Calum answered.
“How do you know?” Michael laughed, “Do you watch the show?”
“No!” Calum cried blushing.
“Don’t be ashamed,” Luke said kindly, “The theme song is catchy, Hey! You looking kind of cute in that polka dot bikini gurl! That’s what I wanna do, take off that polka dot bikini gurl! Drink all night, play all night, let’s get it popping I’m in Miami bitch!”
“Luke!” Liz cried.
“What?” he asked.
“You are not allowed to use words like that, especially while holding a baby!”
“Sorry,” he mumbled sheepishly.
“That’s not even the right show, that’s Kourtney and Khloe or Khloe and Kim or Kourtney and Kim take Miami.” Calum spat.
“Ohhhh,” Luke said slowly, “Which one has the crazy Mom and the lord guy with the good hair, his wife is always mean to him and they have kids.”
“That’s keeping up with the Kardashians.” Calum sighed.
“Which one has the black dude?”
“All of them,” Michael muttered.
“No, which show?” Luke sighed.
“That’s Kourtney and Lamar or whatever it’s called.” Calum explained, “But they’re divorced.”
“I thought that was Kim.”
“It was, it is…. It’s both of them.”
“Which one has Kaylie and Kendall?”
“It’s Kendall and Kylie and it’s Keeping up with the Kardashians?”
“I’m so lost.” Luke sighed, “Which is the one everyone hates?”
“All of them.” Michael replied.
“It’s more of a love to hate.” Calum said.
“How do you even know all this?” Liz demanded.
“Mali,” Calum answered robotically.
“He’s full of shit,” Michael laughed, “He likes Kim’s ass.”
“I do not!”
“Bull.”
“I don’t!”
“No, Kim is old and whiny.”
“Which one is Acacia?” Luke asked.
“She’s not a Kardashians!” I laughed, “Even I know that, she doesn’t have a K name.”
“Neither does the poor depressed son no one talks about.” Michael said with his mouthful.
“Good point.” Calum admitted.
“But wait, I’m lost.” Luke sighed, “Acacia isn’t a Kardashians?”
“No,” Calum replied.
“But everyone hates her?” Luke said slowly.
“Yes,” Liz replied.
“Why?” Luke questioned.
“Because she’s wiggled her way into every fandom and pissed them off.” Calum answered.
“What’d she do to us?” Luke asked.
“Sent you tit pics.” I answered with my mouthful, “Remember you told me you’re… Liz found them.”
“Damn right I did,” Liz sighed.
“Where they any good?” Michael questioned.
“Where what any good?” Liz sighed.
“Her jugs,” Michael said casually, pouring himself a glass of fruit bunch, “Her dirty pillows, her buns, her gals, the ol tat as, her mini mounds, her titties, the bobbies, her kitties.”
“Snorting, Calum spit out his drink.
“That’s what she calls her fans!”
“Boobies?” Michael asked.
“No kitties.” Liz sighed, “And her breast size is not something I’m going to discuss with you.”
“Did she have good nips?” Michael pressed.
“I’m going inside.” Liz grumbled.
“Where they evenly shaped?” Michael called after her, “Are they bigger then when she put them on tumbler when she was eight?”
“She was like thirteen.” Luke snapped.
“Why are you getting defensive?” Michael laughed.
“Can we drop it?” Calum chuckled.
“Can we return to the issue at hand?” I sighed.
“The fact that Kourt is preggo again and she’s struggling with maintaining a healthy relationship and balancing the everyday tasks of being a mother already?”
“Right?” Calum gasped, “I think she’s depressed.”
“No, no, she’s a Kardashian.” Michael sighed, “They don’t know what emotion is.”
“Kim does.” Calum sniggered.
“I love that picture!” Luke squealed, “I saw a girl at our last meet and great and she had it on a phone ca….”
“Guys!” I cried, “The whole babysitter situation!”
“Oh yeah, that.” Calum sighed.
“Yeah, that.” I snapped.
“Go say sorry and give her an autographed pair of underwear.” Michael sighed.
“I’m being serious.” I cried.
“So am I.” he replied, “I forgot to wish my cousin happy birthday so I sent her a pair of Luke’s boxers and she was fine.”
“Awwww,” Luke said, “Wait, which ones?!”
“The Mr. Happy ones.”
“No!” Luke cried, “Those came with matching socks!”
“You still have those!” Calum laughed, “I’m wearing Mr. Cool!”
“I pitched my Mr. Grumpy ones.” Michael muttered, shoving the rest of his pizza in his mouth.
“No!” Luke cried, startling the baby on his lap so much, she dropped his sunglasses on the ground, “Why?”
“They had skids.” Michael replied with a shrug.
“That is so nasty.” Calum muttered, dropping his half finished piece of pizza on his plate.
“Oh you can stop!” Michael cried, “You walk around with jizz hands, touching door handles and shit all the time.”
Repulsed, I set my pizza down on my plate and pushed it away from me.
“Guys, stop that’s gross.” Luke muttered.
“At least I don’t scrunch my toilet paper like an animal!” Michael spat.
“Who folds it!” Luke snapped, “Like you’re wiping your ass not wiping the queen’s mouth!”
“Um, I don’t know about you but I don’t want shit on my fingers.” Michael spat.
“I don’t get shit on my fingers!” Luke cried.
“Guys, this conversation has turned so far south, we’ve reached Antarctica.” Calum muttered, “Just stop.”
“Says the guy who leaves piss on the seat!” Michael snapped.
“Yeah!” Luke cried, “If you tinkle while the sprinklers going be a sweetheart and wi….”
“No you dumb ass!” Michael sighed, “It’s if your sprinkle when you tinkle be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!”
“I don’t pee on the seat!” Calum cried, “It’s probably Luke’s shower water!”
“I’ve gotten better.” Luke muttered.
“No, it’s still like a damn tsunami!” Michael cried, “Jess came into use our bathroom and fell!”
“Did you go in and save her?” Calum sniggered.
“Were her pants down?” Luke asked.
“Did you see it?” Calum pressed.
“See what?” Michael demanded.
“Her Venus fly trap.” Luke whispered, “Is it good? If I was going to have a surgery to make myself a vagina I would make it the best vagina ever!”
“Right!” Calum cried.
“My coin purse would be added as an eighth wonder of the world!”
“Guys, shut up!” Michael snapped, “No I didn’t see it, and I’m pretty sure it’s just a regular vagina.”
“Vag-ina.”
My eyes widening I turned to look at the baby, who was snapping Luke’s bracelets on his wrist, “Vagi-na.”
“Oh my God!” Michael laughed.
“Vagina!”
“This is gold!” Calum cried.
“No it’s not!” Luke yelped, “My Mom is going to murder me!”
“Vagina, vagina, vaaaagina!”
“No, shh! Shhhhh! Baby no!” Luke cried turning her to face himself, “He said, gagina, gagina! See you say it gagina!”
“Vagina!”
“You are so dead.” Michael snorted.
“No, no, no!” Luke whispered, “Can you say something else? Anything else?”
“Jizz.” She replied.
“Oh my God!” Calum laughed.
“No!” Luke whimpered, “Say vagina, don’t say th…”
“Jizz.”
“No, no, no! NO, he said whizz! Like wizard! Like Harry potter, harry potter!”
“Shit!”
“This is so funny, I can’t!” Michael laughed, slapping his leg.
“Shit! Shit!”
Trying hard not to laugh, I took the baby from Luke, who buried his head in his hands, “Can you say baby?” I asked, “Baby? Are you a baby?”
“Ass.” She giggled.
“Oh my God!” Calum laughed.
“No, ask!” I tried again, “Can you say ask?”
“Vagina.”
“You’re so dead man!” Michael snorted, “Just wait until you’re Mom finds out!”
“Just wait till his Mom finds out what?” Liz asked.
“Jizz.”
Her eyes widneind Liz looked between each of the boys and I, then back to the baby in my hands.
“What did she just say?” she demanded.
“Whiz!” Luke cried hysterically, “She said whi….”
“Vagina.”
“Virginia!” Luke shrieked, “Wow, look she’s a genius she already knows her cities!”
“You are so dead.” Liz said calmly.
“Mommy?” Liz whimpered, “Did I say today how much I’ve missed you?”
Rolling her eyes Liz plucked the baby from my grasp before crossing over to him and grabbing him by the ear, dragged him behind her towards the house.
“The rest of you go home.” She warned, “Before I call your Moms.”
“Bye!” Calum cried, rising to his feet.
“Nice seeing you Liz.” Michael added, leaping up.
“Do you need help cleaning up?” I questioned.
“Get lost Ashton.” Liz sighed.
Grabbing me by my shirt, Michael dragged me behind him to the front of the yard and the sidewalk.
“Well,” Calum sighed, “That was eventful, now what?”
“We could go see what the girls are up to.” I replied.
“Oh yay,” Calum muttered.
“Oh shut up,” Michael laughed, “Quit being a little bitch, come on.”
“Be in our band they said.” Calum muttered under his breath, “It’ll be fun, they said, come on your they said, you’ll get lots of chicks, they said.”
“Quit whining.” Michael chuckled, “Maybe when you don’t look like a naked mole rat girls will take you seriously.”
“That’s such bullshit!” Calum cried, “Girls take Channing Tatum and that tan dude in Twilight seriously and they aren’t harry.”
“Here’s the difference.” Michael chuckled, “they wax, they aren’t pre pubescent looking little….”
“You’re a prick.” Calum muttered.
“Dick.” Michael replied.
“Will you guys shut up?’ I sighed, walking backwards.
“Butt out jungle boy.” Michael replied.
“Quit calling me jungle boy!” I laughed, “I’ve never even been to the jun…”
“Ashton watch out!” Calum screamed.
My heart jumping into my throat I whirled around just in time to see the large bus heading straight towards me.
“Ashton!” Michael shouted, running forward, and pushing me out of the way. Falling out of the way of the bus, my head hitting the ground so hard my stars saw stars, I put my hands up as a car screeched to a stop in front of me, missing me by inches. My heart hammering in my chest wildly I looked around for Michael just in time to watch the massive bus barrel into him.
“No!” I screamed.
Feeling sick I wanted to look away but I could not. I watched his body fly up like rag doll before falling with a sick smack onto the pavement, blood spilling out from beneath him.
“No!” I whispered, “No, No. No!”
Rising to my feet I ran forward and dropped to my knees next to him and reached out to touch him however the bus driver, who had somehow stopped the bus and ran out in the span of five seconds, ripped me back.
“Don’t touch him!” he cried.
“What did you do?” Calum sobbed, dropping to his knees on Michael’s other side.
“I’m sorry.” The bus driver muttered, “I…. God I’m so sorry.”
“I swear to God if he’s….” Calum cried, “If you killed him…. Oh God, Michael! Michael you’re okay right?”
“Oh my God!” a voice screamed from behind us, “Luke call 911.”
The next thing I knew Liz was next to me, talking a mile a minute, her hands ghosting over him lightly trying to stop the bleeding without moving him, but all I could hear was his gasp and that sick smack, over and over and over again.
“It’s gonna be okay Mikey!” Calum was sobbing, “You’re fine, you’re gonna be fine, you have to be fine!”
“Well, sit down.”
“But you’re like…. Not hideous.”
“It’s so punk rock!”
“Give me the green light, we can go all night, until your vag is sore!”
“You’re fucking flamboyant!”
“I do what I want I’m punk rock!”
“I’m just… I’m glad you guys are okay.”
“I got a bra thrown at me!”
“You can walk home bitches!”
“You… We… you, uh…you’re like my best friend, so are Calum and Luke but um…. Yea, you guys are like brothers to me.”
“I know it wasn’t you. That leaked the pictures, I don’t know who it was but I know it wasn’t you.”
“Yeah, we’re friends, what did you think we were?”
“I’m not as big an asshole as you think I am.”
“You are going, now you can either walk like a big boy or I’m carrying you.”
“We did it, we’re doing it! This is just the beginning, I love you guys!”
Tears blurring the purple haired boy behind recognition I staggered to my feet. Looking down at the knees of my pants and realizing that they were covered in blood, I let out a sob. My heart twisting as I watched Luke run forward, dropping to his knees beside Liz.
“Michael!” he screamed, “No, you’re okay! He’s okay right Mom? No, Michael please, you…. you’re my best friend!”
Feeling sick I looked away.
“Mikey please!” Luke sobbed, “You can’t do this! You…. you’re my best friend, you’re my brother you’re…. you pretend to hate me but you’re always there, always right there on my right, I never get lost that way! You….. No… Michael please be okay!”
Lurching forward I threw up, not even bothering to avoid my vans.
“I called nine eleven, I couldn’t find the eleven button so I hit the one button twice and it worked, they’re coming just hang on okay!”
Taking off my shoes I looked up to see the blue and red lights of an ambulance approaching in the distance.
“Michael I’m sorry! I’m sorry I annoy you okay, I won’t do it anymore, I’ll try to be smarter I’ll do anything! God, Jesus, Gandhi, Santa, Zeus please, don’t let him die, I need him!”
Turning back to look at the scene unfolding behind me all I could see was read, everywhere, soaking through his blue plaid shirt, covering the ground, covering Luke’s hands.
Red, was the last thing I saw before I was falling, and everything went black.
Thank you for reading,
Love you guys