I am about to take your mind, and blow it to smithereens.
Take several moments to mentally prepare yourself.
“Who’s a cute baby? Are you a cute baby? Yes you are! Yes you are! You look just like a little penguin!”
“Luke put her down!”
Looking up from where I was trying to make a bottle of formula in the small bus bathroom I watched as Destiny plucked Charlotte from Luke, where he was lying on his back on the ground, holding her up on his knees, holding onto her tiny hands.
At this point I’m sure you’re wondering why Charlotte wasn’t with Georgia’s parents, and the answer is simple, they didn’t want her. Which meant either the poor kid went into foster care or we took her. Obviously all our parents shot that down, except for Harry’s, they already had Lily, so what was another baby.
But, we wouldn’t be seeing them for at least a month since they were on a mission trip in Dubi, which meant in the mean time, Liz was back and Charlotte was officially our tour baby.
“Ashton are you about ready with that bottle?” Destiny called out, bouncing Charlie gently.
“Um, yeah!” I replied, “How many ounces are in a scoop?”
“Oh Jesus get out of the way!” Louis cried, bumping me out of the way and ripping the small plastic formula scoop from my hands.
“Hey! I could have done it!” I cried.
“Please!” Louis laughed, “I don’t know how your siblings have made it as long as they have, you’re hopeless.”
“What are you even doing here?” I demanded.
“Our xbox broke.” He grumbled, “So Zayn and I have to suffer on your subpar bus until we can buy a new one.”
Finishing scooping the formula into the bottle he twisted on the lid, shook it violently then squirted it on his hand.
“Why are you wasting it?” Luke asked, popping seemingly out of nowhere.
“I’m checking the temperature you dipshit.” Louis spat.
“Why?” Luke asked.
“So you don’t scald off her taste buds and subject her to a life of bland food.”
“Oh.” Luke mumbled.
Rolling his eyes Louis thrust the bottle in my hands before storming to the back of the bus, closing the door behind him.
“Ashton can you hurry up she’s gonna cry!” Destiny called out.
“I’m coming!” I said, making my way over to where she sat on the couch and gently taking Charlie from her.
Positioning her in the crook of my arm and draping her stained up burp rag over my shoulder, I put the bottle to her tiny mouth and she began sucking violently, grabbing my hands to bring it impossibly closer to herself.
Suddenly a flash went off. Blinded, I looked up to find Luke standing there sheepishly.
“What are you doing?” I demanded.
“It’s for Instagram.” He mumbled, “I want everyone to see her OOTD.”
Glancing down at Charlie I surprised the urge to roll my eyes at her penguin hat and matching onzie.
“We need to stop letting Luke get her dressed.” Calum muttered, “Poor kid looks like an idiot.”
“You know what I think she should wear?” Michael asked.
“A mini bikini?” Luke asked, “She has one, it’s purple.”
“Um, no.” Michael replied, “Band tees.”
“Michael don’t be stupid, they don’t make band tees for babies.” Destiny sighed.
“Well they should.” Micahel huffed.
“I agree!” Luke cried, startling Destiny so much, she jumped.
“Luke!” I hissed.
“Oh sorry.” He replied, “But I have a problem with the world.”
“Oh, hi I’m Luke and I have the problem with the world.” I imitated.
“I do,” he replied.
“I can’t wait to hear this.” Calum muttered, flipping through the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.
“Why does no one like Nickleback?” Luke asked.
“Because they have good taste.” Destiny mumbled.
“You take that back right now!” Michael cried.
“Michael!” Liz shouted from the front of the bus, “What have I told you about yelling near the baby?”
“To not to!” Luke yelled back.”
“You guys are hopeless.” Destiny sighed.
“Damn!” Calum cried.
“Calum!” Destiny sighed.
“Sorry,” he chuckled sheepishly, “But look at the tits on this bird!”
“Calum hood!” Luke cried, snatching the magazine from his grasp.
“What?” Calum snapped, reaching for the magazine which Luke held over his head out of reach.
“You cannot use that type of language or look at these type of things around the baby!”
“Why not?” Calum cried, “She has no idea what I’m saying!”
Crossing over to where I sat he knelt in front of us, “Who’s just a stupid baby?” he cooed, “Who doesn’t know I’m insulting her? You don’t! You don’t!”
“Calum!” Luke cried, smacking the back of his head.
“That is not okay! You are not allowed to be mean, she does understand, I’m going to do my baby can read when she’s old enough! And furthermore, you are teaching her that objectifying women is okay!”
“Damn, where did that come from?” Michael muttered.
“Right?” Destiny whispered, “He’s Liz’s son alright.”
“Do you want her to grow up and think of herself as an object there to please horny dudes?”
“No….” Calum said slowly.
“Exactly!” Luke cried, “I will not have this baby growing up and being a hooker because you were stupid! I’m burning this gar….. oh my God are those things real?”
“Let me see!” Michael cried standing up.
Adjusting Charlie in my arms I fidgeted.
“You wanna see too?” Destiny asked.
“No.” I replied, “Definitely not.”
Rolling her eyes, she rose to her feet and plucking the magazine from Michael’s grasp scanned the page, her eyes widening before she showed it to be.
“Damn.” I muttered, wondering how it was even possible to have boobs like that.
“What the hell does she do blow them up with a bike pump?” Destiny cried.
“Would I would give to….”
“Don’t you dare.” She snapped, giving Michael a warning look.
“Why can’t your boobs look like that Des?” he laughed.
“I don’t know Michael.” She snapped, “Why do you need a microscope to see your bulge?”
“Oh damn!” Calum laughed, “I’m team Destiny this round.
“You can’t choose her side!” Michael cried.
“I just did!” Calum laughed.
“Suck it son!” Destiny shouted, thrusting the air.
Trying hard not to laugh Calum took her spot on the couch while she tousled Michael’s hair, taunting him about his hairline.
“You have a fivehead too!” he finally snapped.
“No she doesn’t!” Calum laughed, “Hers is one third of her face like a normal person yours is half…. Of your entire body.”
“Who even asked you?” Michael spat.
Laughing, Calum continued flipping through his magazine.
Looking down at Charlie at finding the bottle empty I carefully sat her up, making sure to support her neck, as I put her over my shoulder to burp her.
“Aw I love that part!” Luke cried, “Can I do it?”
“No,” Destiny replied, “You hit her too hard or too soft.”
“I do not!”
“Luke the first time her back was all read and the second she was up all night with gas, you’re not burping her.” Calum answered.
“You guys are jerks.” Luke grumbled.
“Sue me.” Destiny replied, sitting down on his lap, however he shoved her off onto Calum when his phone began to ring.
Fruit salad, yummy yummy. Fruit salad yummy yummy. Fruit salad yummy yummy.
“You changed your ring tone to the wiggles?” Michael asked.
“It’s better than yours.” Destiny snapped.
“I changed it for Australia day.” Luke mumbled, finally finding his phone in his pocket and pressing it to his ear.
“Hello?” he said.
“I wanted to hear more of fruit salad, it didn’t even get to the good part.” Destiny grumbled.
“Oh no, Toot toot chugga chugga big red car was my anthem!” Calum replied, “Fruit salad is so basic.
“Both of you are basic!” Micahel scoffed, “Crunchy munchy honey cake was my shit.”
“I uh, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I admitted.
“No!” Destiny cried, “How do you not know the wiggles, I legit wanted to marry Greg until I was twelve.”
“I would turn for Murry if we’re being honest.” Calum replied.
“Oh same!” Michael cried, “Only it was Anthony for me, that man was my soul mate.”
Suddenly Luke dropped his phone.
“Woah butter fingers!” Michael laughed.
Watching Luke I waited for him to pick it up, however he made no move to do so.
“Uh Luke….” Destiny said slowly, standing up, just as fell forwards on top of her.
“Help!” she shrieked, sinking down to the floor with Luke on top of her.
“Whoah!” Calum cried, lunging to his feet, and lifting Luke off of her.
“Luke buddy can you hear me?” he cried.
“Luke?” Michael demanded, kneeling beside them.
“Liz help!” Destiny shouted, “Luke fainted!”
Curious as to what had freaked him out so much he passed out, I picked up his phone and keeping an eye on him wearily pressed it to my ear.
“Hello?” I said slowly.
“Ashton?” a familiar voice asked, “Where’s Luke?”
“He passed out.” I answered, “You sound familiar, who is this?”
“It’s Charlie.”
On a scale of one to finding out it was Niall in the horse head in the twitcam, how blown is your mind?