My eyes were moist, like I had been crying and only then did it hit me. Yes, I was crying. A tear of joy. From what? What had just happened? Everything started kicking in, it was a dream. I had been dreaming. I sat up and started recalling the events in my dream and Subhanallah was this a sign? Was it really? I remembered opening the door for him and he was so happy to see me. My heena designed hands took him into an embrace and so did he. He looked handsome in his white Kandoora, his hair short and dark now, his firm broad torso covering my slender figure, I felt at home.
He called me a sweet endearment and oh I loved how it sounded, I loved how it felt because it was him. It was Youssef.
Was Allah telling me that he was the one through this dream? I just found myself smiling and tears streamed my face. I felt so connected to him. I shook my head when I remembered how much of a haram dream that was and i ended up laughing at myself.
The Prophet, sallallaahu ʻalayhi wa sallam, said, "The Pen has been lifted (i.e. actions are not recorded) from three: from the sleeping person until he awakens..." [At-Tirmithi] so okay, I was safe.
I stood up and rushed to go get ready for Fajr prayer. No work today and I was glad but only one thing that I had to do today, and it brought me shivers and panic. After praying my fajr prayer, I recited Surah Yasin finding comfort in the words of my Lord.
I got back to my bed and slept till Nasrah came knocking at my door , as she entered I heard Sayeed's voice behind her and her kids giggling my name and wanting to come in.
"Her morning face is scary wait kids, wait till it fades.' Sayeed teased me.
'Sayeed I will end you once I come out of here.'
I announced.
'Please after you shower. Don't scare my kids, atleast my wife can handle it.' He said outside the room and I could hear him laugh.
Nasrah laughed too and then she told me.
'Sayeed is ready to go with you!'
Panic. Fear. It all ran through my body. Ya Allah what did I get myself into. But more than wanting Youssef, I wanted to apologize for the damage. For the insults. I wanted them to forgive me. So I stood up and nodded.
'I'll be ready in a few minutes. He can wait for me as he eats brunch.'
'Okay' Nasrah said and left my room, the guest room. I walked into the bathroom and took my shower. After cleaning up I got out and started picking an abaya. Something simple. I got my dusty pink abaya that had a white design patch at the joining that ran downwards and a dusty pink hijab that matched the abaya. I wore it on top my leggings and a top don't we all do that? Simple with no make up at all and i hoped I didn't look sick. I got out and found Sayeed there.
'Wallah Nasrah this girl is shameless, she wants to cuff the guy today.'
'Is he saying I look beautiful?' I laughed asking Nasrah who was in a grey kaftan her hair falling straightly to her back.
'I think you just got lucky today Aqsa, might be a good sign!'
I laughed.
'Will you have anything to eat before you leave?' Sayeed asked.
'No!' I said. I was nervous hiding in all these jokes was comforting but my nerves were everywhere.
'You can't wait can you?' Sayeed asked and Nasrah laughed.
'No I'm just so scared and nervous. I can't eat anything in this state.'
We left the apartment and got to the parking lot. I instructed Sayeed to the mosque where Youssef prays and Ofcourse he knew the mosque. He'd come here sometimes and he was very curious now to meet Youssef. I could see it through his eyes and I could hear the curiosity in his voice.
Once at the mosque he asked me.
'So what do I say in there? What if he's there already?'
'Just tell him you want to see his parents. He doesn't know you so he'd probably want to go with you himself!'
'And if he's not here?'
'Then ask for his home address.'
Sayeed nodded then walked out and in to the masjid.
After some ten minutes he was back.
'He is not around but someone gave me his home address.' He said with a tight smile. Well, I was scared. Sayeed drove us and it took like 20 minutes.
'The address says here.' Sayeed said.
I froze. I sat there.
'Will you get down?' Sayeed chuckled trying to lighten up the atmosphere.
I nodded. His tall self getting down and I followed him. We walked together, me behind him. We walked up the stairs as the colorful flowers in the vases decorated the front door.
'Sayeed I'm so scared.'
'Tawakkul habibty. Everything will be fine.' He pulled me into an embrace and I felt protected. What would I do without my brother? May Allah keep him for me. He rang the door bell and I stood behind him, waiting for someone to come get the door. I was counting the seconds and I hadn't even finished When I was cut short, the door opened and immediately my eyes looked up. A reflex and it was the biggest mistake I made. It was Youssef. His tall figure standing there at the door. His eyes icy or glassy? So sharp, they could cut me. There was nothing soft about his eyes today. I felt intimidated by the sight of him. His jaw tightened like trying to compose himself it was so clear that he was mad and he had every right to be. I was ashamed but I had to make things right. The awkward moment was brought to an end when Sayeed said Salam and Youssef responded to it.
'Asalaam alaikum Youssef.'
'Waaleykum salaam'
He replied to Sayeed's salaam but still standing at the door. He was tall, taller than Sayeed MashaAllah as always in a Kandoorah, I've never seen him without it except at the hospital where he was in the patient gown.
'I am Sayeed, Aqsa's brother. It has come to my attention that my family has wronged you. My family wronged you and your parents and we are here to apologize.'
He looked at Sayeed surprise in his eyes then he immediately masked it.
'Welcome inside.'
He welcomed us and we followed behind. I was the last one to enter so I shut the door lightly. The house was so simple and cosy. A loving home it was. His family was just modest and I really liked it.
He left us sitting at the couch as he went to call his parents.
'My parents will join us shortly.'
He sat on the arm chair. I couldn't see his face but I felt a piercing look towards me. I just looked down I didn't want to see any emotion that was on his face.
After a few minutes his mother, Umm Youssef and his Father joined us.
'Asalaam aleykum.' Sayeed said as we stood up to greet them. They were tense but no one raised their voices. Umm Youssef looked at me pain evident in her eyes. Disappointment even. I wish i could get on my knees and apologize. She was such a lady. She had been nothing but nice and kind every time I met her. They replied to his salaam and I said mine too.
We sat and Sayeed went directly to the point.
' I am Aqsa's blood brother and she has come to me pleading that she needs to apologize for how our family has treated you. It was not her doing.'
'Was it not?' Youssef's dad asked.
'Yes everything was said in her absence and we sincerely apologize. Whatever was said is not what we think of you.'
Umm Youssef stood up and asked me to follow her and I did. We wasn't so far now and I could hear everything that was being said.
' Aqsa we were so hurt and disappointed with the statements your parents made.'
It hurt me so much to hear that. Her dark eyes were sad and not as joyful as they always were and that broke me.
'I am so sorry Umm Youssef. I would never say that to you or your family. I am not proud of what my parents have done.' Tears now left my eyes.
'I would never do that. If I was going to say No, I'd say it decently not with hateful words because I do not feel what they said.' Tears covered my face and I looked down.
'Please tell me that you forgive me. Tell me that so my heart can be at peace.'
I said as I froze on my spot my feet could not move.
'Please tell me that you have forgiven me. I am asking you.' I broke down silently as I covered my face in shame and guilt. Why had Umm Zayn insulted these beautiful people? She came to me and held me. She hugged me and I broke down. In her embrace I cried my heart out completely unaware of what was going on. I took her hands in mine and kissed them softly again and again.
'I have forgiven you.'
I was so happy to hear that. How big was her heart? I hugged her tightly and now as I looked up from the embrace I met Youssef's eyes. He looked away immediately then I heard Sayeed say to Youssef's father.
'Aqsa wants to go forward with it!'
Youssef looked up at Sayeed and he said, not caring if I could hear him from the dining.
' what about your parents they don't approve of it.'
'Not at the expense of her disobeying her parents. I don't accept that.'
'They will come along. They are in the wrong.' Sayeed said.
'Well until then in sha Allah. Her parents must agree.' Youssef said.
'They have no shari' ground on why they don't want this marriage. She is not disobeying them.' Sayeed said firmly. Youssef was now quiet. His eyes made contact with mine then he looked away.
'Incase of anything you can keep contact with me.' Sayeed stood up and walked to give Youssef's father his card then back to the coach. I returned back with Umm Youssef and I just sat quietly next to her.
They talked for a few minutes and now Sayeed stood up and excused himself. We then left after I hugged umm Youssef. As I stood outside the door I took a deep breath. Atleast this was done. Atleast now I was forgiven. If he didn't want to marry me now atleast he had forgiven me. I rushed into Sayeed's embrace and hugged him tightly as I cried my heart out.
'May Allah reward you Sayeed for always being there for me. You have always been there for me unconditionally.'
He kissed the top of my head and said.
'You deserve everything Aqsa. You make me proud of you everyday habibty. How can I not.' And I smiled in my tear stained face.
'Now we have to go home Aqsa, we have to go talk to our parents.'
'No Sayeed. Baba should really see the problem here. This thing will keep on happening if it doesn't stop now.'
'But-
'Wallah Sayeed, I will walk to your house but I'm not going home. After what I've been through just yesterday, no way!'
So Sayeed listened and he drove us to his place, he hardly stayed for 25 minutes then left to go pray dhuhr prayer. Me and Nasrah prayed at home.
After a busy afternoon with the kids and preparing lunch which i cooked, we finally sat all together and had lunch. Sayeed ruffled my hair when he stood up with his plate after eating.
'Nice food!' Sayeed said.
'She should come and cook for us more often.' Nasrah added.
'Not a chance. You are not bad yourself! I love your cooking.' Sayeed kissed the top of Nasrah's head as he walked away.
Now it was just me and my sister in law.
'You know you didn't tell me how it went down!'
'I really don't know how it will go from here, but Atleast Umm Youssef forgave me.' That really was the highlight of my day.
'Are you sure that's all that matters?' She teased.
I blushed and chuckled.
'Well at this moment yes. I don't want to raise my expectations or anything. I'll just sit and wait and see how things go by.'
'You really do like this guy don't you?' She asked looking directly into my eyes. I felt so embarrassed. Well, had she spent 15 minutes with Youssef she'd know how hard it is not to like him. He had a very beautiful personality. He was soft spoken. He was beautifully built. Everything was just good. He was smart. How composed he was. I liked him a lot really and it all happened so quickly. But you couldn't blame me. On the other hand, Youssef could get anyone and I don't think he'd want to marry a girl with racist parents. That actually hurt me so much. The realization felt like a tear in my heart.
'It's hard not to. Have you seen the guy.' I said as I stood and she laughed so hard.
'You wicked girl!' She said as she followed me.
'Mama!' Her baby girl came crying to her that her brother bit him and she groaned. This never ended really.
****
'Do I like her? I love her! I have silently for a long time but I never thought things will go this way.'
'They don't always go as you want them to or expect them to.' My mother said.
Truth is I was hurt with how the events had turned out. The insults on my parents. When I was told no. All those had hurt me for hours inshort, I hardly fell asleep last night.
'So do you still want to marry her?'
'I don't know.' Now I just felt insecure. It is so obvious that her parents issue with me and my family will not end in just one night. Being racist doesn't just end overnight. Her mother will have an issue with my mother's skin color for a long time. Her mother will have an issue with my father being caucasian for long. Her mother will have an issue with me for being a half of both. I can't risk that. I don't want to put myself in that position. I dont want to put Aqsa in a situation that she always has to choose who she stands up for. It's clear that she doesn't agree with her parents' mentality but having to disagree with your parents everytime because of another person could be frustrating and even if she didn't see that now, it could happen. She could get frustrated. I dont want to get myself into a potentially failed marriage. No.
'Well you'll have to make that decision.' Dad chipped in.
'I'll say No, if you ask me now. I don't want to marry her anymore.'
I stood up and left my parents. I walked to my room. Thinking about a lot now. The mansion she was living in and the life I was going to offer.
Was I kidding myself? I mean these things really had no impact in my life. Alhamdulillah I was not distracted with the luxuries of this world. If I could get them Alhamdulillah if I couldn't, I would never complain. We were not as wealthy as them, quite the contrary, we lived a very modest life. Money had never been an issue, we had never been short of it as in whatever I needed Alhamdulillah I got, but I didn't need too much. That's the thing. I was okay living the life I lived now. Now, taking Aqsa out of a royal life and bringing her into my middle class life that was selfish of me. How did I not think about all of these things? Was I too naïve? I mean which millionaire would let their daughter marry a man like me? I had dreams yes. I was just at the beginning of my career. Unlucky me, I hadn't made it young like Mbappe, Trent or all these football stars. I was still fighting to get there. Not that I wasn't young but I just felt like maybe my teenage years were supposed to be my breakthrough years, but no.
I got into my room and picked up a few essentials then made my way out to drive to the Masjid. At the masjid, after Salat my friend whom I taught Quran to the kids with made his way to me and after Salaam he inquired.
'Akhi, a brother came looking for you did everything go on well?'
'He asked you for my address? Alhamdulillah it went well. Thank you.'
Well it didn't go badly. Forgiveness was given and it was over with. Now, i just had to get over all that has happened and move on from all of it.
'By the way, I've been meaning to invite you. In sha Allah next Thursday will be my nikkah I finally found a wife Alhamdulillah.'
What? I was happy for him. But, I was sad for myself. Now, I'd have to wait even longer to get over Aqsa. Aqsa, her name was so beautiful in my mind. I dismissed the thought of her.
'MashaAllah brother. Will be there in sha Allah. May Allah bless your coming marriage!'
I said genuinely happy for my friend Ibrahim who then just cut through my raw open wounds.
' What are you waiting for! You should hurry too now. Your soulmate is tired of waiting on the couch for your proposal. Wherever she is.'
Ibrahim teased. But it had so much truth in it and he didn't know that. Aqsa had made it clear that she wanted us to go through, me on the other hand. I was a coward. Was I? I was being honest with the consequences of going through with marrying her. What if her family never accepts me and we always have to go through this struggle? But why would I hurt her by telling her no? Why would I awaken the love of an honorable and beautiful woman with no intention of loving her honestly? Was I really that low of a person? I ran my hand through my hair. All along I hadn't noticed that I had zoned out completely and Ibrahim was just staring at me.
'Akhi! What is it that you are hiding? Did I hit some nerve?' He asked meaning it. I laughed it off and shook my head.
'Ahhh Akhii I really don't know what to do.' Not offering to say more. He didn't ask more. He just told me what my mother tells me everytime I was scared, lost, nervous or in a dilemma.
"Tawakkul" and it just seemed like a really simple word. But depending on Allah is depth. Tawakkul is patience. Why was I using so much mental energy into this while I had the Ultimate-Help. I had Allah. Then why was I worried? Allah could answer me. He could give me a direction in this? Didn't he find us lost and guided us? Then what was so hard here. I pulled Ibrahim into a manly hug and patted his back.
'Jazakallah khairan Ibrahim.' (May Allah reward you with good) so I left him there and went to a secluded corner and prayed two rakats. After that I just left and kept the thought behind me.
Alhamdulillah there was food on the table when I got home and how I loved food. It actually hurt me when I had to eat clean because of training and when the tournament started it was really frustrating. But everything good required discipline. So I really enjoyed good food during holidays.
'So Youssef, are you going to do the investment?' My father asked me. He was a professor at the university and there was a bookstore they were opening outside the university , there was actually room for investors and he asked me if I wanted to invest since it was an earning opportunity. I wasn't doing anything apart from football and the Masjid, I really needed to make good plans if I wanted to have a...... I stopped, I thought of Aqsa. I had wanted to do this for us. For our future because I had to but now I wasn't sure about her either way this had to be done with or without her.
'Yeah Dad! I will. In sha Allah.'
'Okay. I'll tell you when we are meeting with all other investors.' I nodded. Maryam now chipped in.
'You better invest, so I can spend it.' She made a face.
'No, no not for you! Our dear Youssef is doing it for his wife.' My mother teased.
Was she ever wrong. I just laughed and Maryam was in pure shock. She didn't know about this whole thing and now news flash that I was going to marry just hit her. Her eyes started to water I could see the hurt in her eyes.
'So he'll leave here? Youssef will you leave us?' She wasn't too young to understand that when someone married they mostly moved into a new home alone. She knew all this. She just wanted confirmation and she had never been away from me, now I'd just have to deal with a dramatic new teenager.
'Youssef!' She said again.
I laughed.
'Ya Allah Maryam you make it look like I'm leaving the family. Mother is just teasing you. It's not anytime soon.' Was I sure that it wasn't soon?
'I'll show up at your house everyday and annoy your wife.' She threatened.
Both my parents laughed.
'You'll forget me in a week. You'll be so glad that you don't have to share the TV now. So, I don't see that happening.'
'No. No. I'll come and fight over the remote at your home!' I laughed. She was so stubborn. We then ate silently. It was tradition and Atleast that's how my father raised me. If mother cooked then I had to help with removing the dishes and clearing the table. Maryam washed the dishes and sometimes I'd help her.
Father always raised an eyebrow indicating me to clear the table whenever we had finished eating and now I was just used to it. So when I was taking the dishes to the kitchen mother pressed again today for the nth time.
'What do you mean not soon? Are you not going to call Aqsa's brother?'
'I dont know mother, I'm not sure.'
She shook her head.
'You'll be sure when someone else is already asking for her hand.' She then left me there standing frozen.