ABDULMALEEK
It rained the whole night, PHCN took light but thankfully the inverter was fully charged. I could hear the rumbles of the cloud from outside and from time to time I would look outside and think of how Adilah must be jumping to the loud angry strikes of thunder. Adilah is the exact image of perfection, she of all people didn't deserve being treated like this, no wife does. This being the second time I'm making a girl cry, you would think I'd be familiar with it but no even tonight it's keeping me awake. I remember when it happened with Tahira, seeing her in such pain almost brought tears to my own eyes. With Adilah it almost did the same, I don't want to keep hurting my wife, it makes me feel less a man to see woman's tear drop because of me.
The chill of the AC swept through me as i dismount from my bed, I couldn't sleep so i decided to go make some tea. I moved through the parlor as quietly as i could, the tea bag was finished so i need to get some more from the dining cabinet. I heard someone come out of their room, i turn around to see who it was, hoping it was Adilah so i could apologize. She wasn't as startled to see me as i was to see her, Amina was wearing nothing but short tight underwear shorts and a vest, the way it clung to her body you'd think she soaked it in water first. I had been left wanting for so long it was easy for this very small girl to distract me.
I felt frustrated and angry, i wanted to slap the girl as much as i wanted to cuddle the girl. She shouldn't be anything more than 15, the perks on her body was firmly teasing my mind. Why wasn't she in school anyway?
Frustration. I didn't know when i screamed at the girl "keh!!! Meye haka?"
She clenched to her body looking down "zan dauka ruwa a kitchen ne"
I didn't want to stay any longer watching her almost nude so i hissed and changed my mind about tea and retired back to my room. Had anyone seen this scene they would think i was trying to take advantage of the girl, i mean it was 2am and she was basically wearing nothing.
When Adilah wasn't around a similar scenario happened twice, i hardly sleep early so I mostly watch tv in the main parlor. The first time she came out wear something that wasn't covering her much and the second time she tied a veil they call 'kashkar' to her chest and came out with it around 1am. And when i asked her what she was doing she said she needed water from the kitchen. Is it just me or is this very small girl trying to seduce me?
Had my wife not deny me this wouldn't be bothering me so much, i didn't want to have to take pills to sleep but now i had no choice.
***
6 MONTHS LATER
Dear Journal,
My name is Zainab Sadiq and I'm married to a lawyer. The biggest mistake of my life was falling in love with my husband. My marriage is filled with nothing but test, I heard tales about marriage and the blessings it brings, but not mine, no love, no compassion, nothing. Its been six months since Teemah was hospitalized, that's the how old my unborn child is and thats how long Tahira and i haven't spoken to each other. Yes! I'm pregnant, finally! The baby bump is fully visible now and yes i broke up with my best friend. You could say pregnancy suits me, my skin glows and my body now looks like a full grown woman, my slim figure is now chubby.
They say that love is a name, they say love is fleeting, they say love is a lie, they say love is disloyal, they say love isn't true. She lies half dead in the hospital but still she owns his heart, why has love failed me so? In all the ways i needed it to succeed.
Just as much as he loved her, I love him too, that's how loyal I am. All I do is focus on keeping my pregnancy healthy just to pass the time and stay sane. Abdulzahir is always in the hospital visiting Teemah, I decided finally that competing with her is a waste of time, especially now.
My best friend betrayed me, my husband abused me, my father does care what happens to me as long as I'm in my husband's house, my step mother rejoices to the rumors of how my husband mistreats me. "Ya Allah! You are all i have left. O Allah, I take refuge in You from anxiety and sorrow, weakness and laziness, miserliness and cowardice, the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men."
Whenever I was in distress I would read this supplication and i would feel better.
Remember when i said i broke up with my best friend? That was no joke, she accused my husband of attacking Teemah, Abdulzahir is capable no doubt, but to Teemah? Impossible. She had a reason but she wasn't going to tell me and then i find out that she and Teemah were friendly with each other before the incident. Of all people Tahira was least I thought would betray me such.
FLASHBACK
I asked her again a second time standing by the gate of her house "Da ke ce would you have accepted this as an excuse? Tsakani da Allah Tahira, assuming our places were reversed would you have accepted this?"
She kept quiet, which was exactly what i was expecting, she was too arrogant to accept that she was wrong. "This same girl tormented me, she wanted all that was mine. My wedding, my house, my husband, and now my best friend? I can no longer compete with Teemah, if it makes her a better woman then fine, she wins."
"Zainab you're not competing with her, we were not even friends fa. She just needed someone and I promised my brother"
I was waiting for that familiar excuse, i knew that was coming. Always using Abba to get away with things, he was gone and still she won't stop hiding behind him. My hand was on the car door, as soon as I'm done telling her what a hypocrite she is, I'm out of here. "When are you going to stop hiding behind your brother and take responsibility for your own actions? Haba!"
She wore hijab to cover herself, no doubt because she was wearing very little inside. "Zainab if you know what she went through..."
I didn't wait for her to finish, i dont have time to listen to her bullshit "I don't give a f*ck what she has been through, what about what i have been through?" I don't use the 'F' word, not ever, well today i can be excused.
"It doesn't even compare" she said casually like she wasn't there a day after i was beaten to miscarriage, cold like she wasn't even my friend.
"You're such a f*cking hypocrite. Do you wanna know why Abdulmaleek still won't marry you? Because you're such a cheap tramp. That's why. Your loyal is as cheap as you are." I said with intentions to hurt her, why should i spare her feelings when she won't spare mine?
She looked down, what angered me most was not that she couldn't just admit that she was wrong, it was how emotionless she was about the whole thing. "Would you rather be an unmarried cheap tramp or a pregnant married woman whose husband defiles her?"
I stood by the car watching her, it was a good thing she was distance away from me i would have slapped the hell out of her. I shook my head "Tahira kenan, I can't wait to see who you end up with"
"Zainab! When you go back to your house, the moment you start to tell yourself i betrayed you, like i know you would, remember this, you are the closest friend I've got and i love you"
"Yeah i know, because this is what you do to people you love...!" With that i got into the car and told my driver to take me home. As we were leaving the house i turned around to see her still standing there, deep inside the broken pieces of my heart, it was still breaking. I wish she would stop our car and tell me she was sorry, i wish she would tell me it was a mistake, i wish she would take back those hurtful words she said '... a pregnant married woman whose husband defiles her' Tahira Muhammad has never said words more hurtful to me than this. This was the worst breakup ever.
***
Now you know why I'm completely lonely. Abdulzahir broke away from his father's law firm, taking away more than half of his father's most powerful clients. The most scary thing happened when his father came to confront him and he talked back at him, in the end he drove his father out of our house. Has my husband gone mad? It terrified me because apart from Abdulmaleek whom he listens to, Abdulzahir only fears his father. Who would stand up for me now? Perhaps it was time i stand up for myself.
***