A/N: I know that a lot of my imagines so far have been just angsty and sad, but I promise that I'll add a few fluff ones soon. This one means a lot to me, because my dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer two years ago (thankfully recovered), and my grandfather passed away from brain cancer when I was six. Although the type of cancer is different in the story, I like to think that this was definitely part of my inspiration in the writing process. Anyway...
WARNING: Angst, character death, lots of sadness, etc.
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Y/N's POV
I lay in my bed with my covers pulled up to my chin, my sore eyes open and staring up at the door, which I hoped with all my heart would open and allow my boyfriend of a year in to join me in bed. Bucky was in Russia with Steve and a few of the other Avengers on a mission, and I had been miserable since he left. Our parting words to each other were bitter. They were all I could hear in my mind, and I couldn't help the regret inside me for our argument that I had started.
"Why do you have to go?" I ask bitterly, as I watch him start to to pack his bag for his mission. "Why can't you sit this one out?"
"Because it's my job, Y/N!" Bucky sighed, irritated. "I can protect myself just fine."
"What if HYDRA gets you again?" I asked, trying to ignore the lump in my throat. "What if-"
"I am strong, Y/N!" His voice raised in volume, and I immediately fell silent. " I was the fucking Winter Soldier! I can take care of my damn self!"
"Buck..." My eyes began to swim with tears. "There's something you need to know." There was something I had to tell him, something that needed to be said before he left. But he did not give me the chance.
"Whatever you need to say can wait till after the mission" Bucky stood and grabbed his bag. He walked towards the door, and stopped for a moment before looking over his shoulder. "I'll see you after we get back, Y/N. Stay safe."
That was the last time I had seen him or heard from him since he left three weeks ago. The mission was only supposed to take a week, two tops, but things had gotten more complicated.
And things at the Tower had as well. The words that I did not get to tell him was that I had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I knew the moment that the doctors told me, both in the tone of voice they used and the sympathy in their eyes that I did not have much time left to live. They had said it had been impacting my body for the last eight months, unnoticed. I had received my diagnosis three days before Bucky had left, and I had wanted to have as much time with him as I could before... I was gone. I didn't know how I was going to tell him.The last thing I wanted to do was break his heart. But it would eventually. One way or another...
—
3 DAYS LATER...
I couldn't get out of bed. I could feel myself slowly dying, as my appetite began to decrease and my weight beginning to drop. Natasha and Wanda were worried, and were constantly trying to get me out of bed and to get me to eat. I refused. Nothing could save me now.
One night as I was falling asleep, I could hear Nat on the phone. "Steve, Y/N is not doing well. She is refusing to eat, and is losing weight faster than what I thought was possible, even with exercise. How many more days until you guys return?"
"I don't know. We're getting closer to reaching our target but I don't have an estimate. Get her to the infirmary." I could hear the concern in Steve's voice through the phone.
"Where's Bucky? Maybe he can talk some sense into her."
"He's busy, at the moment."
"Rogers. His girlfriend is not doing so hot right now, if you may not have noticed. Get him on the fucking phone."
"I have to go. We'll be back soon." Steve hung up the phone, and I closed my eyes, feeling the tears starting to pool in them. Bucky didn't want to hear what I had to say. For all I knew... I could be dead by the time he came back.
Bucky's POV
"Fifteen minutes till we're back at the Tower. Nice work, guys!" Clint called from the cockpit, and everyone gave half hearted cheers. We were all exhausted, but we were able to succeed in the mission given to us. I sat in one of the chairs, cleaning off my guns as I waited for us to arrive.
My mind was drifting to Y/N. I had felt regret for yelling at her the moment that I had stepped out of our shared room. I could tell there was something she wanted to tell me, but I had ignored her anyway. I'm such an idiot. Someone sat down next to me, and I turned to look at Steve.
"Hey, man." I give a small smile.
"Buck... we need to talk." His tone was filled with urgency and worry. I frowned.
"What's going on?"
"Nat called us a few days ago, and told us that Y/N wasn't doing very well."
"A stomach bug?" I asked, putting down my gun.
"No. She won't get out of bed, and she's refusing to eat. Something's wrong with her, Buck." Steve whispered, running a hand through his hair. I turned my head to look at him, my jaw clenching.
"And you don't think to tell me this earlier?"
"You were busy with the raids on the HYDRA bases." Steve tensed, sensing my growing anger. "We couldn't distract you."
"I thought I could rely on you the most, Steve!" I got to my feet, and turned to face him. "I expected you to have my back as much as I had yours, especially when it comes to her. Y/n could be dying, for all we know, and you didn't hesitate one moment about lying to me, and keeping it from me! We don't keep fucking secrets from each other, Steve!"
"Barnes, calm your ass down!" Tony got up and stood between Steve and I. My fists clenched as I looked at Steve, his head bowed as he avoided eye contact with me. "We're almost home. You can check on your girlfriend once we get back. I'm sure she'll be just fine."
"If she dies, Captain..." I whisper, and Steve looked up at me, making eye contact. "I will never call you my friend again, let alone my leader on missions. I will be done with anything related to the Avengers, because I have had enough of this shit. I will disappear and never come out again. No more lies."
I could see the hurt in his eyes, along with the fear. I never made threats against him, and never one like this. She better be alive.
—-
Y/N's POV
I lay in my bed, curled in a tight ball as my torso spasmed with pain. Natasha and Wanda begged me to tell them what was going on and let them take me to the doctor, but I only cried at their words. "There's no point!"
"What the hell are you talking about? They know what they're doing! They can help you!" Nat reached over to touch my arm, but I jerked away gently.
"I already went to them." I sniffled, and turned my head up to look at them. "It's too late."
"What aren't you telling us, Y/N?" Wanda asked softly, sitting on the edge of the bed.
"I've..." I tried to hold back my tears by closing my eyes, but I felt them leak past my eyelids. I opened my eyes to look at the two women through blurry vision. "I've been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer."
"Oh Y/N..." Natasha whispered, as the tears continued to spill down my cheeks. "When did you find out?"
"About a week ago." I reply as I try to wipe away my tears, but only feel my body shaking as more escaped. "I have a year, at most... but it'll probably be less, since they discovered it eight months in."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Wanda asked gently, as she took my hand in hers. I squeezed it gently as I look up at the two of them.
"I want to limit the people I hurt." I slowly start to calm myself, and I clear my throat as I began to speak again. "My cancer shouldn't have to be a journey that others have to follow. It's unfair to ask that of you."
"You shouldn't have to go through it alone, either." Nat protested. "And it won't matter if you told us or not. It's still going to hurt when you die, either way. Have you told Bucky yet?"
I froze, as I thought of my boyfriend, probably still on his mission, protecting the world from the evil that existed within it. A superhero. My superhero.
"I was going to, before he left." I swallowed a lump in my throat. "But we fought before he left, and I didn't get the chance."
"You need to tell him... when he gets back." Wanda said gently. "He doesn't deserve to find out after you've died. No one does, but especially not him."
"I know." I nod, as tears bubbled in my eyes again. "I know." The room was silent as I continued to cry softly, and a few moments later, a soft knock on the door caused all three heads to whip around to see Bucky standing at the door. His eyes were full of anxiousness and concern.
"What's going on?"
—-
Bucky's POV
Wanda and Natasha left the room only seconds after I had spoken, and my eyes quickly landed on my girlfriend, who was laying curled up on our bed.
Her face was pale, her lips cracked, but I could not care less. She was still beautiful to me. But my worry and concern had immediately got worse as I noticed her arms tightly wrapped around her stomach.
I walked to the bed quickly, and climbed in next to her gently, noticing her wince as I lay on the bed. I leaned in and kissed her forehead gently, before I leaned back to look her in the eyes. "Nat called and told us that you weren't eating or getting out of bed. What is going on?"
"I-I..." Her eyes, which were rimmed with red, immediately began to pool with tears. "I..."
"Tell me, doll." I whispered, taking on of her hands in mine, and moving it to my lips to kiss it. "Please."
Slowly, the words left her lips.
"I'm dying, Buck."
Time froze as my heart broke, and I listened numbly as she continued to tell me everything. My eyes scanned her face, looking for any signs of her pain. If there were any... she hid them well. That was what she had been trained to do.
"I don't have much more time left with you." Y/N said softly, as she kept her gaze locked with mine, her tears beginning to slow. "But I want to spend all of it with you."
"There's... nothing they can do?" I asked, my voice breaking slightly as I spoke.
She shook her head.
"It's too late, Bucky."
"With all of this goddamn technology..." I muttered, shaking my head as my eyes clouded with tears. "Fuck!"
"Please don't be mad." Y/N begged, her hand gripping mine tightly.
"I could never be mad at you, Doll. " I half sobbed, half whispered as I moved to cradle her head in my hands. "I'm mad at the world. I mad at myself. I'm mad at Steve."
"Why are you mad at Steve?" She asked softly, slightly confused.
"He didn't tell me that Nat had called." I sniffled, as I felt her hands brush away the tears that were beginning to fall. "If he had... I would've come back. Maybe there would have been time to save-"
"Don't you dare do that." Y/N said, her voice strong. "I was gone long before you left. I was diagnosed days before you had left."
"Was that what you were going to tell me?" I whispered, the dots connecting in my head. "You wanted to spend time with me before you... before you..."
"Yes." Y/N nodded. "And we still have time. I am going to spend each day left on this earth loving you as much as I can, James Barnes, because that's what every good girlfriend does, diagnosed with cancer or not. I do not want you to blame yourself or anyone for what's happened these past few weeks, because it is no ones fault. It's only the cancer."
"Please don't hurt me like this." I whimper, my eyes lifted towards the sky almost praying, as I start to lose control of my emotions. "Please tell me it's just a dream."
"I wish I could, my love." Y/N cried softly, running her hands through my hair. "I never meant to hurt you like this. Even though I had no control over it, I wish this never had happened. I wish I had some say in it."
"It's not your fault." I murmured, before burying my face into her hair. "I will spend every waking moment with you, and love you the way you deserve. I promise you that."
"Can you promise me one more thing?" She asked softly.
"Of course."
"Do not disconnect yourself from these people." Y/N moved back to look me in the eyes. "They fucking love you. They did not mean to hurt you by not telling you I was ill. And they are your family. Especially Steve. I know it seems hard not to be mad, but please, James, if you only listen to one thing I say before I die, let it be that you need to stay here with the Avengers. You need a family. And they are your family."
My throat felt dry and my eyes watery as I looked down at her. I nodded slowly, before I moved my lips to respond. "Okay, doll."
—-
The love of my life died two months later, on August 16th, 2018 in the middle of the night. It wasn't as dramatic as it is seen in the movies. I fell asleep with her in my arms, deeply sick and in pain which I tried my hardest to sooth, and I woke with a cool body, that was no longer breathing.
She was gone.
That was the moment my heart shattered into a billion pieces. I cried into her hair silently, my body shaking as I mourned for my lost love. But I knew I had to let her go. I called the doctors, and they took her body away. Everyone woke as the doctors rolled her body, covered in a white sheet, down the hall and out of sight. I leaned numbly against the wall, watching until the cart disappeared and I couldn't hear the sound of the squeaky wheels against the cold hard floor anymore.
"I'm sorry, Bucky." Natasha said softly, as she moved to my side and put her hand on my flesh shoulder. "I'm so sorry."
My throat was thick with unshed tears and I could only give a small nod before she walked away. The other Avengers did the same, until it was only Steve and I left in the hall.
"I know what I said... back on the plane." I said shakily, as he walked to stand beside me. I turned my head to look at him. "But I can't lose this family. I lost Y/N, and I can't lose anyone else. I'm sorry, Steve. I'm so sorry for yelling at you."
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Buck." Steve pulled me in for a hug, and I accepted it graciously, closing my eyes as he wrapped his arms around me tightly. "We will be here for you, forever."
"Thank you." I whispered, before I pulled away. "I'm going to get a drink, and sit out here for awhile. I'll see you in the morning."
Steve only nodded before leaving and walking back to his room. I walked to Tony's bar and got myself a glass of whisky before walking to a chair and sitting down. I looked at the view of twinkling lights down bellow and gave a soft, sad smile. I lifted my drink up.
"Here's a toast to the love of my life, the angle who put up with my shit and smiled even as her sickness began to steal her life that she so deserved to live." My voice cracked as I spoke. "Rest well, doll. I hope I'll see you again. One day."