Chapter Twenty-Five
❝She planted roots so deeply in the people she loved,
that she was not whole without them.❞
The red mark stared at her.
Eleanor sat on a stool by her kitchen, the mark on her wrist from last night glaring in her view. It was almost gone, since it wasn't a serious bruise or anything, but the shadows of it still lingered. Shadows of what happened still echoed.
She had never seen Travis so out of control before. He had always been hot-tempered, a quality that she learned to accept; and yes, her boyfriend did stupid stuff when he was drunk. But nothing like last night. Nothing like the way he held her and didn't let go.
And it couldn't have been the drinking that changed his behaviour. She recalled past memories of him and doing less damage. No, something had cracked within him.
Or maybe El was starting to see him with her eyes opened.
Her grandfather glanced at her. "Are you going to eat that banana, Ellie?"
She flushed, realising she was frozen holding the fruit. "Sorry."
Her grandfather raised his glasses above his head, waiting for her to say more. But the girl was already off on her own train of thoughts.
After she spent resting her forehead against Theo's in agonising silence, not only did guilt began to sink in, but worry. Worried for the boy who stormed out; the boy she had loved and shared precious years with. Wondering if maybe letting him leave was a bad idea, because he was drunk and brought a car with them.
El's heart had hammered then, because despite everything else that happened, she didn't want to lose him. In fact, the thought of it almost destroyed her; she'd spent years by his side.
What would she do without him?
The look in Theo's eyes was still ingrained in her head, playing over and over like a broken disk. The look in his eyes as she pulled away, heart heavy; the look in his eyes as she tried to explain why she needed to go. The look in his eyes as she went to go after the boy who'd hurt her, turning her back on the boy who'd only tried to protect her.
Theo had looked at her with heartbreak.
And a piece of her heart broke, too.
"Ellie?"
Her grandfather's voice brought her back. She blinked, looking up to realise that he'd fully set down his newspaper. "Hm?"
"Is everything alright?"
The question gnawed in her mind.
She did the right thing, didn't she? Leaving?
"Yeah," she smiled. "Everything's fine."
***
When El walked to Anchor's that same morning, imagine her surprise when someone was already waiting for her there.
A part of her, the one that was stuck in the past and found security in familiarity, immediately hoped of Travis — that he came to apologise, to talk things out between them, to fix whatever that was unravelling between them from the past year that had led to last night.
But the other part of her, the part that was longing for change and excitement and intensity, for a new passion was burning up inside of her — she thought of blue eyes, tousled brown hair, a subtle smile that barely existed yet shined brightly in his eyes.
It was neither.
Daisy Clementine turned her head.
El approached the shack slowly, dropping her duffel bag in silence. There was already some crew setting up the place since she was late, but El had a feeling that Daisy had been waiting for a while. She jumped from the counter at the sight of her.
"Hey."
El offered a cordial smile. "Hi."
Daisy looked prepared to say something, but it was as if all words disappeared. She was — El couldn't believe it — awkward. "So," she cleared her throat. "You really work everyday, huh? And I thought you in high school was a workaholic."
"Daisy, why are you here?"
The question wasn't harsh, mean or accusing. El was aware that the two weren't that close, and that she wasn't Daisy's usual go-to person, either. No, the question was asked with mere interest and intrigue, like how a child would ask his mother with innocent eyes, why is the sky blue?
She sighed. "Well, if you have to be so brutally honest," she muttered, "I just wanted to make sure you were alright. You know, after last night." She glanced at El's wrist without meaning to.
El stiffened. She didn't like the attention it brought her. "I'm okay, I guess," shrugging to raise the nonchalance.
"You didn't look okay."
She didn't like this, didn't like that people were starting to see the cracks in her facade. To see that, indeed, something rotten was brewing in her and Travis's relationship.
But a warm feeling spread through El's chest at the thought of being acknowledged and seen, especially from someone who she initially thought was too distant to care.
"Fights happen," she ended up saying.
Daisy smiled softly. "I know too, you know." She leaned against the wooden wall, lacing her fingers. "That he's different. I've seen it for a while. That's what's bothering you, right?"
El blinked. She didn't expect to be cornered with the truth like this.
But she managed a small nod.
Daisy nodded as well, and for a moment, the wild girl in front of her looked more thoughtful than El had ever seen her. "I've known him longer than you, so I know he has his downsides, but he's Travis. He always makes up for it." She nudged her shoulder. "And come on, you two are high school sweethearts. Who could beat that?"
That was true, they were high school sweethearts.
But high school was over, wasn't it?
"And," she coughed, looking nervous. El's body perked up. This was the real reason why she came. "I wanted to say that I know we got on the wrong foot. Clearly me showing up out of the blue and pretending like we were best friends didn't make things easier. You know me, always fucking it up."
"You don't always fuck it up," El responded gently.
Daisy smiled, but it was a rather sad one. "I just wanted to see if we could, you know, do something to change that."
The girl looked at her with hope, and it suddenly struck Eleanor that, upon returning to their small little town, Daisy hadn't hit up the rest of her friends. Instead, she came to Anchor's to see a girl she barely knew. It said a lot about their friendship; that even though Daisy was popular and always moving around, even though they met through circumstance... El was a constant in her life. As Travis was to herself.
She'd watched her from the sidelines, and now Daisy was offering her a front row seat.
"Yeah," El grinned. "I'd love that, actually."
"Fucking A," Daisy quipped, and El rolled her eyes at her choice of words. "Now make me some food, woman, I'm starving."
The girls spent the rest of the day together — recounting what had happened in their lives, laughing over silly things, and just making up the time they didn't have. It was times like these when El realised she'd never really had a 'girlfriend' to talk to before. Not like this. But Daisy was in front of her now, failing to concoct an original alcoholic drink, and El had tears in her eyes from laughing.
Maybe this was what she needed all along.
"Uh oh," Daisy said abruptly.
"What?"
"Lover boy's coming."
Lover boy. The nickname rang a bell in El's head.
"Wait — "
"As much as I adore watching soap operas, yours is just too intense for me, honey," she quipped, hopping off of the stool. Kissing El's cheek, she whispered, "Good luck."
"No — where are you — Daisy!"
Before El knew it, Theo stood where Daisy had a few seconds ago.
Her heart was beating too fast. They hadn't exchanged a word since the socials; since what happened. Since she left him. What in the stars was she going to say?
For a while they just stared at each other. They did this a lot, she realised — like the world only existed of the two, where mere gazes spoke louder than words. He looked tired, dark circles under his eyes as if he hadn't had a good night's sleep.
"I'm sorry I — " both of them started simultaneously.
Theo's mouth twitched a bit. "You first," he murmured.
She bit her lip. "I'm sorry I had to go."
"You don't need to apologise for that." He said it so firmly that she wondered if he was saying it for her sake or for his. "That was your choice, El."
She still looked down with guilt.
"Hey." Theo sat himself down, angled his head in a way that allowed him to see El through her hooded eyes. That made her more nervous. "I'm not mad at you for that. I can never be mad at you," he added quietly. "I'm just sorry if I made things worse."
El could hear the unsaid words. For you and Travis.
And the unsaid actions. Theo stepping in to defend her. Travis snapping back. Theo and El touching foreheads. Theo and El closer and closer.
"You didn't."
He nodded numbly. "How's your wrist?" he let out, lifting his eyes to her quickly like the question had been eating away on his mind.
She hesitantly lifted her arm between them. "It's getting better."
As if pulled into a trance, he gently held her hand, skimming his fingers lightly over the marked skin. She could feel hairs on her skin rise. The contact of their skins together was almost unbearable — it felt so strong and foreign but so familiar. Like she could drown in the sensation forever, but at the same time, needed to come up for air.
He felt her froze, and decided to drop her hand slowly. "Well, at least now you can join the Battle Scars from Travis the Tool club," he muttered. "I'm a renowned member, and Zach's the President."
El bursted out in a laugh, despite everything. And that shouldn't have been funny at all. When was the last time Travis made her laugh like that? Scratch that — when was the last time he made her laugh in general?
Real sadness began to creep in, along with the bitter truth of Theo's words, and she frowned.
Theo picked up on it. "Can I ask you something?"
She nodded.
He licked his lips. She found herself trailing her eyes over it, and then mentally slapped herself. "How long have you two been together?"
El swayed back by the unexpected question. It didn't used to be a big deal for her, but recently, she'd gotten more uncomfortable by the reactions that preceded it.
"Three years."
His eyes widened. "Damn," he murmured, flickering his eyes over her. "I just — three years is a lot."
"Yeah," she murmured back.
Theo kept his watchful gaze on her. "It's a lot for someone to change."
She paused. "Everyone changes." She didn't know how else to respond.
"You're right, they do." But he didn't seem quite done yet. He leaned impossibly closer. "Remember that conversation we had on the beach, when you followed me after Chase's incident with the customer? You told me about people having new versions of themselves."
El nodded, not sure where he was going with this.
"And," he continued, "I know that now, that everyone has them. Their old and new versions." A heavy pause, and his eyes pierced through hers. "But El, that doesn't always mean the new version is better."
***
When El walked home that night, Theo's words kept repeating to her. Even as she brushed her teeth, staring at her reflection. Even as she dropped down on her bed, contemplating.
That day on the beach, it had been Theo who posed the question and El the one to answer him. Now the tables had turned. The past did have a funny way of coming back, in the end.
A knock sounded from the door.
"Ellie?"
She sat up. "Hey, gran," looking at her through the opened door. "Everything alright?" She didn't usually visit her during nighttimes.
"That's what I should be asking you," she smiled. "Your grandfather mentioned that you were a little bit off this morning. Is there something going on?"
"Everything's fine."
"You can fool your grandfather, but not me."
El froze. What should she say? I don't know what's going on with my boyfriend, I think I'm losing my mind, I think I'm falling out of love with Travis and falling for someone else?
"Ellie?" Her gran prompted. "It's okay if you're not ready to tell me. I just want you to know that you can talk to me, okay? Bottling things up never did anybody any good, love."
El nodded, told her she loved her, and waited until her grandmother shut the door.
Later that night she realised she'd been doing that exact thing.
All these years.
A/N:
Sometimes holding on to something too long can make it that harder to leave.