Dear Diary,
I'm not sure which is weighing me down, either pregnancy or heartbreak, I'm not sure which is bringing me grief, grief that comes in waves, stealing my appetite, peace of mind and sleep alike.
My husband has not touched me in 3 months, even before we found out i was pregnant. I didn't know but pregnancy comes with certain needs and i lacked all of them.
Fateema was the sole seed of my grief, how could a woman do this to another woman.
Tahira warned me, i didn't listen, i am so inexperienced and now i think i wasn't ready for this.
I don't know how to initiate contact with my husband, and he never touches me, I'm beginning to wonder whether he married me as a form of trophy, something to keep locked in a glass and look at every morning and night.
***
I'm really happy its Saturday, we might get to spend time together, I'll try and convince him not to go out. He sat in the parlor watching football and i made him launch, i tried to use his mom's recipe for paten doya, it doesnt taste epic but its the best I got, so i arranged it before him in the parlor. And sat next to him "Abdul ga launch, naga baka ci chips din da yawa dazun ba"
He opened the food flask and then closed it back "gaskiya sakwara na ke jin ci Zainab, karki damu Fateema zata kawo min yanzu" he said casually as if it was something normal.
I felt something sharp struck me in my heart, how long would i have to put up with this, i felt so angry that i decided it was time to talk about Fateema, all this time i have never said anything about the things he had been doing, I was getting tired "Abdul yanzu kai ka ga hakan ya dace? She's your ex fa, haba!!!!!!! after everything you put me through, bai ishe ka ba, ka na so kuma ka rika kawo ta har cikin gida na?"
He laughed, as if i was a crazy person and i just entertained him "this is my house, ba za ki hana ni karban baki ba" he stated plainly.
I can't believe he just said that to me, his house? It's not like my statement meant the house belongs to me, but i live here. I wonder if he was thinking right, his house yes but with my furniture, and my parents didn't furnish one room and one parlour, everything inside this house is mine. And if Abdulzahir is living comfortably in it without changing anything, you can only imagine how above standard it is "Don't you mean our house"
We heard the sound of someone driving into out house, i sat there quietly waiting to see God's will, a knock came on the door and i still sat there, i was thinking of what to do if it was actually Fateema "Zainab!" He called me and i looked at him "ba ki ji ana buga kofa?" Without a word i went to open the door.
She stood there wear a sleeveless top and jeans, her cleavage all over the place, i felt like choking her till she dies, she doesn't deserve be called a human, she's an animal and a wild one at that. Wild animals should be put down so they don't hurt innocence, but this one still breathes and she was consuming my air.
"Fateema ki ji tsoron Allah" she looked at me in disdain "oh sorry ashe fa tsoron ubanki nake ji"
Abdulzahir called her from where he sat "Teemah, here please"
She pushed me out of the way with a basket in her hand and sat on the couch i was sitting on. I closed the door and went to my room I kneeled down beside my bed and all i could feel was anger, my eyes were dry, i have been crying since the first night i spent in this house, I was tired. If I don't leave this house I'd either kill someone or kill myself, so I took my veil and and my bag and decided to leave.
I saw her serving him pepper soup, while they were making conversation "Abdul I'd like to go to go home for the day"
"Do what you want Zainab" he said carelessly "but before you leave bring our guest some water"
Now I understood he just wants to humiliate me, or he just wanted to provoke me into reacting, I wasn't going to give him or her the satisfaction. I went to the kitchen and put together a bottle of water and a cup on a tray. I came and i placed it on the side table.
My legs could not walk fast enough, the pain was no longer just emotional, but i can feel it all the way from my chest to my stomach.
The driver took me to my mother's place, when I got there she was not around, so i left a message and took the driver to Tahira's place.
"She inside my house right now Tee, wannan wani irin mugun cin fuska ne" I complained bitterly and Tahira was just beyond shocked "Zainab tell your mother, she might help advice you"
"Hajiya Aishatu sai dai ta tada rikici Tee, ba dai ta bada shawara ba" I knew my mother, this isn't something I want to involve her in, I would only make her worry.
"Well you need to do something, or the next thing he'll do is bring her to stay in your house" she had a point, I knew he was sleeping with her outside, which is obviously the reason he had no need for me. All the late night and weekend work, he wasn't a two woman man, he can't handle two women, he wasn't strong enough. So he made a choice to leave his wife in pain to satisfy another.
"Tahira I can't keep living like this" the pain became worse, and I pressed my stomach because that's where most of it was. "Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rajuun, Tahira get me water please, ciki na"
"Sannu, ina zuwa kin ji" she went downstairs to get me water.
I was having cramps, it's not like i can be on my period while I'm pregnant, i looked down to see my atamfa stained with blood. "La haula wa la kuwata illa billah" if this isn't menstrual blood then it could only mean one thing. The pain was excruciating, I held my stomach hoping it'll stop but it was only getting worse.
Tahira came back and found me holding my stomach "Zainab! Is this blood?"
Tears started to run down my cheeks as both the physical and emotional pain consumed me "Tahira! I'm losing my child"
Her eyes widen in disbelief and without a word she wanted to leave again "Tahira don't leave me alone" I called when i saw her leaving, I felt like i was dying and i didn't want to die alone. At least my most trusted friend should be there with me.
"Zainab calm down ina zuwa" I struggled to breathe, I felt so alone and unloved, unwanted and unneeded. Minutes later Tahira came back with a man, everything was a blur then, I couldn't see or hear anything, I felt them picking me up and then everything went blank.