'You only know what I want you to, I know everything you don't want me to, Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine, you think your dreams are same as mine. Oh I don't love you but I always will.' - Poison and Wine, Civil Wars.
Chapter Twenty Six
I crinkle my eyes and they flutter open within seconds. There is darkness all around me and I try to look in all directions. I close and open my eyes again and I find myself in a half grown field with grass at only the height of my heels. I look up at the gray sky, hearing soft growl of the clouds. It is going to rain, I suppose. I am wearing my wedding gown and the veil is completely torn having rags stitched around them. Even though my hair is tied in a bun, some strands manage to hop out of place. I move my fingers across my eyes and a black layer settles on the pad of my thumb indicating that my eye liner is smudged and my makeup is distraught. My wedding gown is torn down at its hem.
I can’t see anything till a very long distance and within minutes, I find myself walking very fast towards an unknown destination. I feel my cheeks getting wet and my fingers dart on them. Tears, drops and drops of tears pool in my eyes and my cheeks get salty and I start clearing them off. I use both my hands vigorously and try to clear my cheeks but to no avail. I don’t even know why I’m crying but these tears just won’t stop. I feel emotionally wrecked and mentally drained trying my best to recollect the reason of this sudden outburst. I can’t find any. I close my eyelids and rub the skin over it lightly but within seconds my speed increases and I find myself rubbing it fast. I open my eyes and look at my hands only to find them red in color. Blood.
I rub my hands frantically against my golden shinning gown, staining it with my blood traces. I am horrified to a very high extent and I want to scream, shout, howl and do anything. But it seems I have lost my voice and my inner self has been paralyzed. I start running again but everything looks the same till my vision allows me to see and I’m terrified. Am I alone here? What am I doing in this location? Where exactly am I? I can’t recollect getting here and I’m scared now.
“Oh, look who is here.” I hear a familiar female voice and I turn around to the source of the voice. I see no one.
“Baby, this isn’t how I expected to see you.” I hear another male voice which sounds to be broken and troubled. I know the person to whom this voice belongs to but I can’t remember him. What’s wrong with me?
“Tia…” I turn around again and find my father smiling at me. He looks comparatively slimmer and his white beard covers his handsome wrinkled face. His tie is hung loose around his neck and his eyes have sagged. What happened to him?!
“Father!” I find my voice and try to run towards him. I can’t even move an inch and I look down to my legs. They are plastered to the ground.
“Look what I have done to you, what this marriage has done to you. I’m sorry, I’m terribly sorry.” He starts crying and I want to go comfort him. I don’t find this marriage that terrible now, anyway. I want to tell him that even though we are having problems, we are managing. We aren’t aces at sorting out issues and we fight more than anyone can imagine but I am not complaining. I want to tell him everything but all I do is watch him cry.
“I will get you out of this right away.” Another female voice shouts behind me and I see my mother, clearing her tears with a small handkerchief against her wet eyes. She looks different, too. But I can’t make out the difference.
“No mother. I’m ready to go through this turmoil. I can’t give up now. After everything I invested in all these days I don’t want to back out now. Let me give this relationship one last shot, please.” I’m begging for another try with Liam. I wouldn’t believe these words just a week back and now I’m literally begging for sometime with him. I don’t believe myself anymore.
“But we can’t see you this way, Tia. Look at you! Where is my daughter I left with Liam at the altar? You don’t look a bit like my Tiara who was so strong. I don’t know this woman anymore.” She throws the handkerchief in disbelief and I actually consider her words. Tiara! Don’t fall for her words. This is a dream and it is not true. It is not true.
“Mother, what happened to your advice the other day when you asked me to compromise and try to live with him? Trust me, I’m trying every second to keep up with him and not to rule out the promise I made to father and then you say this? I’m not a toy and I can’t change my emotions every second!” Maybe this is why I’m sad that somewhere I expected something unexpected to happen as usual?
“I don’t know why I said that. But now I know what’s right for you and Andrew is not going to stop me. I can’t let you live with that monster and you are going to divorce him right away. That’s final, Tia.”
“Are you even going to consult me or take my decision just like you both always do? Can I have the liberty to take my decisions for once? I’m not a kid anymore, mother. I am a twenty three year old married woman and I know what’s right or wrong for me.” I’m screaming now.
“Look what he has done to you.” She points to me, “My Tia would never increase her voice in front of me, let alone back answer! Are you still happy to what he has done to you?” I can’t believe that this is my mother talking to me like this. Frankly, I can’t trust myself and the way I just talked to her.
“I’m not back answering mother. All I’m saying is that I’m capable enough of taking my own decisions. I’m sorry if I hurt you, I did not intend to.”
“I care for you, Tia. Liam was a terrible mistake I made and I’m going to amend that. Come back to me.” She opens her arms and a charming smile settles her tense face. My first instinct is to go run in her arms as a cue to get away from this world I’m dreading to live in. But I find myself walking behind, away from her and back in to the same world I want to get used to.
“Tiara, you don’t know what you are doing.” Her face falls and I feel guilty and terribly bad. But my feet aren’t working on my orders.
I bump into something hard and turn around instantly. My eyes fall into another pair of sky-blue shinning eyes which gave me pains for a lot of time. His hands press my shoulder tightly, making me stand in front of him. I finally see him entirely and he is exactly how he was three years back when I left him. Ryan is as tall as he always was, making my neck crane to look at him. His face looks tensed and a frown settles on it and my heart leaps out of my chest. Out of everyone, I did not expect to see him. I really should stop expecting things now.
“Baby, I thought you changed. But here you are, same as before.” I finally realize to whom the previous voice belonged to, “Stubborn as hell. You still don’t know what is right and wrong for you.”
“Ryan!” I shriek and try to run away from his grip, “What are you doing here? We ended things between us and there is nothing left. We were never meant to be. And still aren’t! Leave me!”
“Babe, you are the most compatible person I can ever be with. Look at us, we are fine.”
“No we aren’t. There was a reason why I left you. I wasn’t happy with you.”
“Then you are happy with him?” he points to a far corner and I see Liam staring back at both of us. His expression is unreadable and within seconds I see a female next to him-Lisa.
“That’s none of your business, Ryan. Please leave me alone.” I tell him.
“I will leave, baby. But you have to remember that he is fire and you are water, the union of both of you will lead to destruction of either. I know you are doing to this for your father but sometimes, listen to this small corner of your heart for once. What do you want? Liam is a person who only thinks about himself whereas you, when was the last time you really thought about yourself?”
I can’t recollect but the only thought swimming in my mind is that no matter what, I’m not going to leave Liam. I think I’m just feeding myself this crap that I’m doing this just for my father whereas in reality, I want this, too. I want to build a relationship with him, no matter how fragile it is or how incompatible we are. We were destined to marry each other and know each other. This is God’s way to bring us together and if I don’t get this cue right away, I will be left hanging between nowhere. Even though I strongly believe in the constitution of marriage and Liam was just forced to get married to me, this will not jeopardize my beliefs and thoughts about entirety and infinity. I won’t let anyone bother me about Liam, including Liam.
“This time.” I tell him confidently.
“Liam, you are such a darling.” Now Lisa and Liam are just a few steps away from me and I can hear them clearly. Lisa’s hand is over his shoulder pulling him closer and her other arm fiddles with his collar. Liam looks at her with his infamous smirk and all I want to do is push her away from him.
“Leave him, Lisa.” I shout. She lazily looks at me and back to him.
“I said leave him.” I repeat. She loosens one arm over his shoulder and pulls back.
“Are you jealous?” She asks me, looking at me cunningly.
“He is my husband; you have no right to touch him.” I stammer.
“Are you informing me or reminding yourself? He isn’t interested in someone like you. Well, look at me. Liam was just interested in women like me before he got married. And he still continues to be interested in people like me. Just because he is married to you, it doesn’t change him entirely. It’ll be better if you listen to your darling mother and leave him alone.” She tells me and hooks her arms around him again.
“Tiara, don’t fight for me, for us. There is nothing to fight for. I am way different than you think I am and you and I cannot be us. I suggest you turn back to that boyfriend of yours and we will leave happily. I’m way out of your league and women like her can satisfy to every need that I have.” He points to Lisa. “It’ll be better if…” His words go unfinished as I hear a cannon shot and blood oozes out of Liam’s abdomen. There is dead silence and I look back to the source of this and my eyes pop out when I see my father holding a gun which has smoke coming out of it.
My eyes flutter open and I look around frantically. I find myself in a foreign location and it takes sometime for me to register that I stayed at a hotel last night. My head instantly darts to the other side and it is empty. My heart begins to beat at a really fast rate when I don’t see Liam next to me and my dream begins to resurface. Was it true? No it can’t be. All I care about is that I couldn’t see the site of blood oozing out of his body and that was alone to wake me up from the dreadful nightmare. My hands travel to my forehead and down my neck and I feel my body hot. I am sweating and can’t find my voice. All I want to do is see Liam and maybe my heart can rest.
I get out of the duvet and flush to see my body only in my lingerie. I find my dress bunched at a corner and wiggle into it within seconds. Even though it is wrinkled, I don’t care. I just want to see Liam to make this uneasiness vanish away. I look around the small room and he is nowhere to be found.
Last night is plastered in my head and I can’t think about of the endless possibilities of his behavior. Will we fight again, the usual? He will have hateful words to say but the difference this time is that I won’t be able to take it. Will we sort this out like adults and I won’t be left broken for once? For no reason, I feel used by him. The articles I read about him flash in my mind and I can’t help but compare myself to the numerous women he has been linked with. I feel like one of those women and I feel bile rising inside me. But on the other side, he could have done something much more serious but he did not. He asked for my permission and was really honest to me which is a first. My mind is flooding with probabilities and I have to admit, I’m really scared now. Just when I have the last night to think about, I happen to have a nightmare about him which broke me in pieces just within a few seconds. I want to know his thoughts but want to go near him, too.
I walk towards one corner of the room and see the balcony door open. I enter it and see Liam facing his back towards me. He is shirtless and his muscles look tensed. His hair is disheveled as usual and he bends towards the fence looking out of the balcony.
“Liam…” I whisper and all the bad thoughts flooding in my mind the past two minutes disappear in a jiffy. My dream is as clear as a crystal, I remember every sentence, every moment which occurred and nothing can be more painful to see him get shot.
He turns around and eyes me with a confused vision. He presses the bar of the fence against his knuckles and that’s when I notice his dried blood on them.
“Tiara…” he whispers back. I want to hug him, I want to kiss him, I want to tell him how thankful I am to see him alright and alive but I decide against it. Last night comes back to my mind and I blush hysterically.
“Hey.” I breathe out. I remember his hands all over me, inside me, his lips on my lips, all over my body and I can’t help but not get these thoughts out of my mind.
“Hey.” He looks away immediately. Where do we stand now? Does he even remember what he said or did to me last night?
“What… what happened last night?” I finally muster the courage to ask him. I need to know what he thinks about it because this just isn’t about me anymore.
He closes his eyes as if pain and remains quiet. I have come to a conclusion that I dread his silence more than this anger. When quiet, he thinks about everything and doesn’t say anything. I want him to speak his mind just like last night and oddly, I find it comfortable to talk to him in his drunken state because at least he is honestly speaking then.
“Liam, we need to talk about it.” I press more. He looks back at me and I see pain in his eyes. The same caramel eyes aren’t shinning anymore and a deep frown settles on his handsome face.
“I’m… I’m sorry Tiara! I was drunk, really drunk. I was half conscious of what I was doing and I swear, I didn’t do it on purpose. I would never touch you in that way against your will. I’m not that kind of a person. Frankly, I don’t know what you think of me.” He is worried, oh dear he is.
“Liam, calm down. I don’t think any bad of you.” I assure him.
“Don’t lie! How can you not think any bad of me, Tiara? All I have done till now is hurt you. I have physically hurt you and last night, I was going to do something worst. I don’t know what you think of my character.”
“I don’t think anything of your character. Liam, I know you were intoxicated and you were angry. I’m not a blind person to oversee that and judge you without any pretext. Is that what you think of me?”
“Seriously? Does it even matter what I think of you? Tiara! I’m the person to be judged and punished here and you are thinking about your image in my mind? Then let me tell you, you are the most sorted person and very intriguing.” He says without thinking for a second I don’t see a hint of regret in his voice.
“Last night you had some other thoughts in your mind.” I mutter and fold my hands on my chest like a kid.
“Like what?”
“You said you find me irritating and annoying just because I want some things to happen in a particular manner.” I look away.
“I’m sorry again but that’s the truth, too.” He says playfully and I see a faint smile on his face which disappears as quickly as it came.
“I have hurt you in the past and I’m really sorry about that. My first instinct about everything is anger and violence that I can’t see the gender. I would never hurt you on purpose but it’s just that… you always get on my nerves that it blows off my temper.” He runs his hand in his hair, “I have never met someone as confusing and fascinating as you are all in one.”
“Liam, you confuse and fascinate me, too. In fact, I have never felt so active in my whole life. I don’t judge you, I can’t judge you.”
“And as for last night, I will never lay a finger on you against your will. I don’t know what triggered me to do it last night. I didn’t hurt you, did I? Did you find me abusive?” He is rambling. I feel good and bad at the same time. Good because he is actually considering my thoughts and bad to see him this way.
“Who said you did anything against my will? Liam, you are forgetting that you were intoxicated but I wasn’t. I was aware of what was happening around me.”
“And you let me do it? Why?”
“Certain questions don’t have an answer. You were so angry at Roger and I thought it was the only way to make you less insecure about everything.” I say without thinking and instantly regret it. I never thought of confessing this to him and now that I have said it, I wish someone just takes me away from him now.
“You wanted to be there for me?” He asks with so much suspicion and worry that it melts my heart.
“Even though you don’t like it but yes.” I confess.
“Oh Tiara…” he whispers and turns around entirely, “Why do you want to be there for me when all I’ve done is just hurt you? You are so different. Why, Tiara, why?”
“I wish I knew why.” I whisper and he looks back to me.
“What are you thinking?” I ask him, breaking the awkward silence which always follows us.
“That I don’t want to go back to that island.” He tells me.
“I was thinking the same thing.” I tell him and he gives me a faint smile. I hear some loud talks and screaming and push myself near the fence. I bend down and look at a few kids playing some game with a stick and a ball. A small smile tugs at my mouth and find myself watching them intently.
Fiji is really beautiful even this town. The weather is pleasant and not even a single cell of my body wishes to go back to that island where I literally feel suffocated.
“Then let’s find another hotel because I’m sure you don’t want to live in this stable they call a hotel.”
“What about…”
“I know, I know. We will have to think about something.”
‘Those maids will be quiet angry at you.”
“I know that too. I have that kind of an effect on women.” He tells and I find myself laughing whole heartedly after a long time.
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