Yesterday felt like a dream. I never imagined that Rowan and I would ever be a thing but it felt right. I was glad he understood that I wanted to take things slow. I still didn't know why he would want to be with a person like me. I was broken. It was like this, you buy a bag of chips and you expect the bag to be full but instead the bag is nothing but crumbled up chips. Most people would return the bag of chips and ask for a refund, but not Rowan. That's the part I didn't understand. Couldn't understand.
Raven had been giving me pity looks every time she saw me. Without even thinking about it I avoided her. I didn't want her pity. Never did I want anyone's pity. I just wanted people to be safe. No way was I mad at her about telling mom but I wasn't happy about her making me tell her. Her pushing me into it. I knew sooner or later everyone in my family would know but mom deserved to hear it from me and not her youngest daughter. It would have been hard but maybe she wouldn't feel as bad about it.
Jenny had been a great help. When we left the police station Jenny sat down and talked to my parents. I could see how hurt my mother was when she found out that Jenny knew about it before her. She went to her room soon afterwards and cried for hours. You'd think I would be the one crying after being told that I had no solid proof against Bradley and as of now he was a free man, while I was still trapped.
Jenny went to talk to mom alone after a few hours to make sure she was okay. I knew her story would help my mother like it did me. Mom finally came out of her bedroom and looked slightly better than when she left.
"Sorry." She apologized to everyone.
I excused myself to my room that night, I wasn't able to sleep and was exhausted the next morning. My parents didn't want me to go to school that Monday saying that it wasn’t safe for me to go. I tried to tell them that I had been going and facing him every day for months but they wouldn't hear it.
Finally, I talked my parents into letting me go back to school. I told them how me missing school was affecting my future and I didn't want him to take that away from me too. Rowan helped me by telling my parents that he would keep and eye on me at all times. Rowan watching over me made my parents feel like it was safe enough for me to return to school. I mean what else could happen? The damage had already been done.
But back to the date I couldn't believe Rowan asked me to be his girlfriend. In short time that I'd gotten to know him again, he'd been there for me every step of the way. I really needed that picnic date. It made feel normal again. A girl out on a romantic date with her boyfriend. It felt too good to be true.
A knock at my door interrupted my thoughts of the past couple days. My father stood in my doorway his eyes heavy with the need for sleep. I know he was taking the news hard but didn't want me to know about it. I think he blamed himself for not being able to protect his baby girl.
"Rowan's here." He said.
I must have been off in my own thoughts for far longer than I thought. The clock on my bedside table read 7:41. In twenty minutes school would be starting and Rowan would be for filling his promise to my parents that he would watch over me.
"Are you sure you want to go?" Dad asked concern.
I got up from my bed and grabbed my backpack that was leaning up against my bed on the floor. "Yes dad I'm sure." I couldn't hide away forever. That was what Jenny kept telling me and I was starting to believe it was true. I had to try or I wasn't going to get better.
"I would feel better if you would let me drive you girls to school." He started.
"Dad I promise I will be fine. Rowan will be with me." I walked to him and waited for him to move out of the way. I needed to hurry or we were going to be late.
He didn't move instead he continued voicing his concerns. "If anything happens call me right away and I'll come pick you up."
"Don't leave work, dad. Everything will be fine just like it always is." I shook my head. I didn't want him to worry any more than he already was. He needed to focus on his job or he was going to get fired.
He sighed and moved out of my way. "Please just text me at least at lunch so I know your fine." I hated seeing my father this way so I nodded my head and agreed to text him.
"I really need to get going dad." I shifted my weight onto my left foot and bit my lip. This was the most awkward conversation I ever had with my father.
"I love you."
"Love you too dad!" I yelled as I walked out of my room. I ran down the stairs slightly hoping I would fall and die and never have to see a look of pity from any one ever again, especially my father.
Raven was standing by the front door waiting for dad to come back downstairs to take her to school. He didn't want her riding the bus alone. Her face was buried in her phone. She wasn't wearing her usual attire, instead she was wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a hoodie.
What's going on with that?
I didn't bother to ask her I was still angry with her for going out and getting drunk while lying to our parents. My backpack brushed against her arm as I walked past her to get to the front door.
Rowan was sitting in his jeep looking at his album of music when I opened the passenger door and climbed inside. "Hey". He said glancing up for a split second.
"Hi." I said giving him a small smile. I was nervous about going back to school. What was I supposed to tell my teachers when they asked me why I was gone from school for three days?
Oh yeah I'm sorry but I just reported to the police that I was raped and then my parents found out and now they are being super protective of me. Not to mention the reason why they didn't want me to go to school is because the guy who raped me is there sitting next to me in one of my classes.
"You sure you want to go today?" Rowan asked picking the Green day CD from the album holder.
I groaned. "Not you too."
I was tired of hearing that over and over. I just wanted to get this over with.
"Sorry?" He said trying to figure out what he said wrong.
"No I'm sorry. It's just everyone keeps asking me that and I don't really have a choice on the matter. If I stop going to school I'll stop living. It has killed me yet." I apologized. Rowan didn't deserve to be yelled at.
"Oh okay. I know how annoying that may seem but your family cares about you and this is their way of handling it."
He reached over and put the CD in the player and turned the volume up a so we could hear the first song. I watched his every move just trying to figure out what to say next. I know he was right but I also wanted to yell that they didn't have to handle anything, it didn't happen to them.
"Mom thinks I should go to a counselor." I said slowly hating that she ever mentioned it to me. I didn't need someone to tell me what was wrong with me or figure out how I can manage my life after being raped.
I was doing just fine before my parents found out.
"Are you going to?" He asked as he put the jeep in drive and headed down my street towards the school.
"Honestly I don't know. I understand that I most people would think I need to but I don't want to tell a stranger what happened to me. I just want to move on with my life and get out of this town." I couldn't help but imagine what my life would have been like if I was never raped. The constant sadness I felt deep inside wouldn't be there and I wouldn't look at my body as some broken toy.
Rowan turned on to the street that the school was on and I was worried that he hadn't said anything. Did I say something wrong now?
The jeep stopped and Rowan pulled his keys out of the ignition. I sat there in silence wondering if I should be here. Maybe my parents were right and it was too soon.
I started to get the feeling that I was going to get sick. No not again. I cried in my head.
"You ready to go in?" Rowan asked me.
"I guess." I said holding everything back.
Remember Lennon you can't let him control you forever.
The sun was just starting to make the automatic lights poles shut off around us. I was trying to do everything I could to keep my mind on something other than Bradley as we walked towards the schools front door.
Rowan wrapped his arm around me and I tried my best not to shiver at his touch. It wasn't him it was everything that was going on. He didn't seem to notice. I let out a sigh of relief and we entered the school.
---
At the end of the day I was waiting for my mother by the pick up lane. Rowan insisted on waiting with me till my mom arrived. He was taking this keeping an eye on me seriously.
"So what is your mom picking you up for?" He asked sitting his backpack down on the sidewalk. His arm must have gotten tired.
I shrugged. "All she said is she wanted to pick me up so we could do something. She didn't say what."
I glanced down at my phone trying to see if maybe I overlooked something. She knew I didn't like surprises but still she refused to say any more.
"Oh." He nodded his head. "Bradley didn't bother you today, did he?"
"He didn't say anything to me if that's what your asking." I was grateful he didn't say a single word to me today but he was kept looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I guess I could handle a few looks here and there without having a full blown panic attack, but I wished he would just disappear. No one knew how much pain I went through just being in the same room as him. He could be clear across the room and I would be fighting a battle with myself on breathing.
"But did he do anything else?" Rowan knew me all too well. He could see that I was holding back.
"Just staring at me." I said. I knew that looking at me wasn't a big deal he could be doing a lot worse. But it bothered me still.
His face hardened."That mother fucker! He shouldn't even be able to look at you!" Rowan growled.
I laid my hand on Rowan's chest. "Calm down I'm fine." I didn't know whether I was saying it for myself or for him. I didn't want him to danger himself. "Rowan don't do anything, I don't want you to get hurt." I begged him. If Rowan was to get hurt because of me I would blame myself. There was no way I could handle seeing him in the hospital. After his surfing accident I never wanted to see him like that again.
"You don't have to worry about me. I can handle that scumbag." He said shaking his head. "He may have gotten a hit in last time but next time Lachlan won't be there to hold me back."
I tried to ignore what he said but I couldn't. He didn't know how him saying that bothered me. I didn't want him to fight Bradley. I just wanted him gone so I can start feeling safe again. So I know girls like my sister are safe from monsters like him.
"Please Rowan don't do anything." I pleaded. I felt like I was going to get sick for the third time that day. My breathing started to get ragged and the sky started to spin. "I need to sit down." I said almost falling down to the curb. Once I was safely down on the ground I laid my head in between my knees trying to get everything to stop spinning.
"Lennon!" Rowan leaned down and touched my shoulder. "Are you okay?"
I took a shaky breath and shook my head. "Yeah just give me a second." If all of these feelings would just go away that would be amazing. I was tired of this constant feeling of flight or fight.
"Listen Lennon, if it bothers you that much I wont say anything to him." Rowan apologized squatting down beside me. He wrapped an arm around me and brought me closer to him taking his hand he tilled my head up and looked directly into my eyes. "Please Lennon think about going to counseling. I hate seeing you this way." I shook away his words.
"I don't want to be put on meds. I refuse to." I cried.
I never believed in those medicines. I'd seen all of those commercials on TV advertising the latest depression or bipolar medication. The people looked so happy after taking them but the fact is that on the bottom of the screen in small print were the words portrayed by actors. They weren't real people with real depression or anxiety. Not only that but the side effects of the medication were terrible and flat out scary. May cause suicidal thoughts? But wasn't it supposed to help get rid of those?
"You don't have to be put on the medicine if you don't want to. That's a choice you can make by yourself. Most doctors don't want to put patients on medication if they don't have to. With counseling you will be able to talk everything out with someone who won't judge you. I hate to say this but you can tell them things you aren't able to tell me." His face fell at the last part and I knew how badly he wanted to help me.
"I'll think more about it. Okay?" I sighed. There was no denying it I needed to do something.
Mom's SUV pulled up beside us five minutes later. She rolled down the window and gave us a big smile. I could tell it was fake. It was the same smile I had been giving her for months.
"Hey kiddos."
"Hi mom." I got up from the ground and walked to the vehicle.
"Hi Mrs. Reese." Rowan said waving from the ground where he was still sitting.
Mom laughed and said, "Rowan I think it's proper for you to start calling me Amanda."
"Alright." He said getting up.
I went to open the passenger door to get in but mom yelled. "Honey do you mind sitting in the back with Dakota?" She asked.
"No I don't mind." I went to the back door and opened it to see a smiling Dakota looking at me. "Hi buddy." I cooed as I shoved my bag in the floor board and climbed in.
"I'll talk you later Lennon." Rowan said before he headed to his jeep back in the student parking lot.
We made one more stop before we arrived at our final destination. Whatever mom had planed she wanted to include Raven in it. The vehicle stopped when we pulled into the mall's parking lot.
"What are we doing here?" I asked.
Out the window I could see the one story mall and just looking at it brought back a million memories. Memories of Shae, Eloise and I hanging out on the weekends. This place used to be our hangout. It probably was still there's. It was the one real thing for teenagers to go to in this town. The mall had everything. A nail salon, arcade, movie theater, multiple clothing outlets, a small Barns and Noble, which was my favorite place.
The mall was great all except the food court.
Bradley worked at Chick-fil-A at the register.
I didn't want to see him. Spending the whole day at school with him was far enough.
Mom unbuckled her seat belt and opened her door. "It's a surprise, come on girls." She locked the doors after I got Dakota out of his car seat and Raven got out of the passenger seat.
"Mom please just tell us what we are doing her." I begged her. I didn't want to go to the mall. There was a bed at home with my name on it. I could hid the rest of the night away with a book or something. I could start the new season of The Middle on Netflix or Rick and Morty. Something that would help me relax and not give me a panic attack.
"Follow me." Mom said taking off.
I gave Raven a look that said what the fuck was going on with mom. She shrugged and said, "I'm as clueless as you."
We followed her all the way to the other end of the mall to a dress shop. "What are we in here for?" I asked.
She smiled and said. "You girls need a dress for Snowball." I almost forgot that Snowball was coming up. I already had an idea on what I was looking for but the store was so big that I felt overwhelmed. Where do we start?
"Oh my god Mom!" Raven screamed with excitement. She was definitely more into this than me. She took off down one of the isle of fancy sparkling dresses. Nothing my taste.
"What about you Lennon? You going to look around." Mom asked me.
"I guess." I didn't know what section I should look in. Raven was off looking at more revealing dresses and I knew that wasn't something I wanted.
There had to be a dress here that wouldn't show too much of my body.
Raven already had five dresses picked out to try on each a short dress with a sweetheart neckline. I was still looking for my first dress to try on. Mom keep trying to get me to try on a sweat heart dress like Raven's but I knew it wouldn't look good on me.
"Mom in case you have forgotten I was not blessed with big boobs like you. If I put on that dress it will fall off of me. There's nothing on my chest to hold that thing up." I explained.
Mom laughed as she continued looking for dresses. She was much more optimistic than me. I already gave up and was just flicking through dress after dress, nothing catching my eyes. That was until I seen a dress over in the corner.
It was a short dark purple dress but it was longer than Raven's. The purple fabric was a bit form fitting but it had lace sleeves. I grabbed the dress off of the rack and walked over to meet mom and Raven at the dressing room across the store.
"Did you find one?" Mom turned around and sat down on the couch.
"Yeah I think so. I just hope it looks good on me." I said looking down at it.
"You go ahead and try yours on." Mom said getting a glare from Raven. Raven huffed and sat down beside mom and Dakota.
Inside the dressing room I had a terrible time getting the dress to zip in the back. Finally I got it zipped up and I was able to look at it in the mirror. It was absolutely amazing but I didn't know if it looked good on me or not. I wanted someone's opinion.
"Alright I'm coming out." I opened the door and took a step out into the store in my socks. My mother and Raven were silent not saying a word. Well? "What do you guys think?"
"Pretty." Dakota said clapping his hands.
A smile was brought to my face and I walked over to him. "It looks fantastic on you Lennon." Mom said.
I picked up Dakota and smiled at him. "So you think I should get this dress?" I asked him. His opinion mattered the most to me.
"Yeah!" He said with a big grin. I laughed. I couldn't believe that my little brother was the most help between them all.
I felt eyes on me so I turned around and looked to see whose eyes were on me. Through the stores window I saw Bradley staring at me from the food court. Oh no.
Hi guys! We hope you all had a great week. Sorry we didn't updated last night but we were a bit tired lol.
Anyway please check out the special note chapter! It's a thank you to all of you. In case you missed it Revealing Lennon is featured on wattpad and we just started ranking #55 in teen fiction yesterday!
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What do you think of her dress? (Picture above) Do you think she's handling everything okay? What would you do if you were in her shoes?