5 || Lennon

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The days just weren't the same after I lost my journal

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The days just weren't the same after I lost my journal. Days had passed and I found myself going right back into a state of depression. Without writing to express my feelings there was nothing to release all of my pent up sadness and anger. I was right back where I was a couple of months ago, just barely treading water. For me writing was like self therapy, like telling everything to someone without the after thought.

I went to my English class dreading it, because he was in this class. My assigned seat was right in front of him. I reluctantly slid into my seat and moved as close as I could away from the desk sitting behind me. He walked into the classroom just in time for the bell to ring. He took his seat and gave his buddy a smile.

My lungs started to burn and I was feeling nausea. Breathe. Breathe. I kept saying over and over in my mind. Panic attacks happened regularly but never this bad. Never to the point where I felt like I was about to pass out. It was like I could feel his hands all over me. Vomit rose up in my throat.

The teacher broke my hyperventilation state when she began class. Just focus on what she says. Just look straight forward at the board and considerate on what's going on. I took out my notebook careful not to bump his arm that was hanging off the end of his desk. Flipping the notebook over to a blank page I took out my pencil from my hoodie pocket, it was just another reminder that I missed writing. I always kept it in my pocket for emergency writing for whenever he was near and I couldn't handle it.

"Alright everyone. Let me take attendance real quick and then we'll begin." Mr. Oliver announced his voice loud enough to hear over the chatting of others.

He quickly took attendance on the computer and sent it up to the office. Then he walked back to the center of the room to his stool that served as a makeshift podium. He took a sip of his water and cleared his throat trying to get our attention. Mine was already on him.

"Since we finished The Great Gatsby last week we are going to do a group project. Now before you all start giving your best friend that 'you wanna be partners' look, I will be picking your partners this time." The class all groaned, including myself. If he picked our partners that meant there was a chance I could be paired up with him. I would have much rathered be by myself and do all the work.

"Settle down. I know this isn't something you all like but this time we're going to do it without complaining. I have your partners picked already and written on the top of your assignment packs. I'll be passing it out for you all to see." He said counting the packets out and handing them to the first row of desks. "Please take one and hand them back to everyone in your row."

Why does he have to do this? Now I will be forced to face him. I knew, even if I didn't face him our skin would still have to touch.

"Hey! Take the papers!" Yelled the person in front of me waving the paper around in my face. I took the papers and grabbed myself a packet, setting it on my desk. I didn't turn around all the way just a tiny bit and handed him the stack of papers. Our skin brushed up against each other and he grabbed a hold of my wrist for a slight second.

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