29 || Lennon

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Over the past couple of weeks I kept thinking about Jenny's story

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Over the past couple of weeks I kept thinking about Jenny's story. There was so many similarities between hers and mine. The one thing that kept bothering me was that she was older than me when it happened and she didn't tell until anyone until after months of suffering. I didn't tell anyone that I was raped until months after wards and I still haven't told Rowan how it happened. Jenny's story made me feel bad. I knew who my attacker was and she didn't. Hers was just some random guy at a party. She had no name to the monsters face and I felt like in some way she never got the closer she should have been given. The man should have been locked up with the key thrown away, but instead he was probably out walking the streets as a free man. A monster wearing a mask.

The voice inside of my head told me that I needed to keep it a secret, the way it all happened, but my heart told me I should tell Rowan the whole truth. My conscience was trying it's best to protect me anyway that it could. My heart on the other hand wanted me to trust Rowan. It's voice of reason told me that Rowan already knew it was Bradley, he had figured that out all on his own. What was stopping him from figuring out the rest. He could hear it from Bradley or he could hear it from me.

Rowan needed to know. He was my best friend. I couldn't tell my other friends after it happened and I shut them out. In the end they left me. Maybe that's why the voice in my head didn't want me to tell Rowan. Deep down I was afraid that Rowan would leave after he knew the whole story.

Rowan wouldn't leave me like the rest of them, would he?

I didn't know the answer to that question and that scared me. After what he done to Bradley I didn't think he would leave but I still feared him leaving. I didn't want to be in this alone. Bradley scared the hell out of me. I felt so weak and vulnerable when I was around him.

I needed to tell Rowan, I decided. He should know.

But how do I tell Rowan how I was raped? How do I explain it all to him? This wasn't just something I could just easily say, if it was I would have told someone ages ago. I still didn't know if I could say it aloud.

I looked around the room trying to come up with a way to tell him. I couldn't text it to him, that would be a very long and heavy text message although I knew texting would be easier than trying to muster the courage to collect my thoughts and say it out loud. My eyes wandered to my desk where I left my journal in a drawer tucked safe away from prying eyes.

What if I wrote it down like everything else?

I thought for a moment and nodded to myself. Maybe that could work. I would be able to write down the details of the event without making myself look weaker in front of Rowan. The best part was I didn't have to say it out loud.

The journal had remained untouched for so long that I didn't know where I put my writing pen. I tore apart the whole drawer and when I didn't find it I tore apart the desk. It pen was my favorite pen, I loved the way it made the words look on the paper, it took away from the tragedy of it all. I searched the rest of my room looking wherever I might have sat it down.

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