Hello I have a habit.
A habit of giving my all.
When I say giving my all I mean giving everything I have, giving everything in me.
My heart, my soul, my mind, my voice everything.
You may think giving is a beautiful thing and the world needs to give more but that's the thing!
I give so much of myself away that I am almost always left with absolutely nothing.
Except heart ache, tears, and pain.
Oh so much pain that I feel like my entire being is on fire, if it's not fire it feels like I'm falling and being torn apart in every direction possible and that I'm gonna be torn apart any minute but that minute is being delayed just so I can feel more pain.
It feels like my heart is getting torn out of my chest with all the regret of giving it away so many many times.
It's getting torn out of me due to all the times it been broken and terribly repaired with stitches and super glue only to fall apart once again.
See the thing about giving is that it's looked at as a gift, as a act of kindness yet we all know, or at I least I know kindness is almost always taken for granted to the point that the one giving turns into a super market that the one receiving only goes to if they need something.
Like reassurance, reassurance that they look nice or that they are loved.
But the point is with a grocery store supplies always run out but with this grocery store no one comes to refill supplies.
No one comes and gives back to the grocery store to tell them they look nice and that they are loved.
Of course not.
Because that's not how it works out.
I gave my heart away so I get told I don't have one.
Of course as a joke by my good friends because that's how we joke today.
"Ouch my heart"
"Wow you have one?"
"Haha ya."o
But instead of "Haha ya" I wanna say no I gave it away, and now I have a hollow pit in my chest because I kept giving it out till I was left with nothing.
But that's not how I reply, of course not because then I'll be questioned.
And when your questioned you have to explain and then with explaining comes criticism and words that'll hit like daggers.
"Oh your just putting this on your self."
"Oh it's your fault you make these problems for yourself"
Do you think I not know that?
Of course I know all that but I do it because I feel I need to.
Because no one else would.
No one has the guts to give so I do it. And I'm left heartless and cold but I continue because people need love like an alcoholic needs alcohol!
Because who else gives love in this world like I do?
A mother? A mother only gives her love till her child grows to be a teenager and then she starts criticising her child as soon as they found out who they are or who they want to be!
As soon as they stop meeting there expectations!
As soon as there mother breaks that lie that she made when said child was born!
"I'll always support and be there for you no matter what"
As soon as that child begins crying themselves to sleep.
As soon as that child begins slitting there wrist in there own bedroom at 12am in the morning without mother knowing it all.
That child was me and it's still me because family doesn't understand about the trueness of giving.
No one really does.
Giving is giving your heart and having it broken a million times or more before it's handled gently like a blood red rose without it's thorns cut off.
Giving is giving your voice and not having it heard or having a voice shout back thorns from the rose that you gave the day before.
With those thorns saying toxic things such as-
"you make no sense"
"shut up"
"you talk to much"
Giving is giving your soft touch only to be bit by a venomous snake.
Giving is giving your time only to have it waisted or to be left in bruises and cuts after it runs out.
Giving is giving your hearing to only hear the hissing of snakes at night and day 24/7.
Giving is losing.
But here's some light to break the darkness I shed upon you.
Here's a little bit of medicine to cure the poison I fed you.
Giving is losing until you've felt the touch of the spindle of the fairytale spinning wheel.
Giving is feeling that kiss from the angel you though never existed.
Giving is finally breathing after you've held your breath under water to see all the fish that you wanted to see so you could see life that didn't worry all the time.
But those fish to worry because they fight for survival like you.
Giving is breathing in the hot coco that you gave yourself to warm up that cold hope for another day.
Giving is seeing children play in the park and remembering when you were them living a carefree life.
Giving is breathing in the first rose of spring.
Giving is listening to your favorite song before falling to sleep at night.
Giving is hearing that you are worthy of life when all you ever thought was different due to a long life of pain and insomnia filled nights due to how much you were afraid of the night because of how many times you were told that night was for monsters and bad kids that lived with them.
Giving is feeling the sun kiss you good morning and learning how to feel the warmth even at night.
Giving is giving yourself the strength to learn how to love yourself even when you give up for awhile but them try again until you succeed.
That's giving.
- I gave my all and I still do today