"If you can’t let go, if you can’t forgive, if your thoughts are about revenge and feeling sorry about yourself, you won’t move on; you will stay stuck."
Sria
I glanced at the screen of my mobile where the words forwarded on a social site are mocking at me; a sad smile appeared on my lips reading them. I wondered whether the person who posted this quote really know the true meaning behind those words or was it just another heart touching quote for him. It surely did create turmoil in ‘my’ mind as I felt the words were just meant for me. It did tug some loose threads of my mind but my turmoil was because of the reason behind this uneasiness.
Discarding my phone on the small coffee table in my balcony I pondered over those words.
I believed I did let go of my past a long time ago and it is not like I had to forgive someone. And how could one forgive his own fate and would it change anything?
My thoughts were not exactly about revenge, how could one take revenge upon himself for even being born, for dreaming happiness when fate snatched away those years before? I knew it was my mistake to hope when nothing was in my favour. Yet it was the only way I could save herself from falling into the abyss of depression.
My thoughts reminded me ‘those’ words of my distinct past, the same words which compelled me to hope. 'Sri, Never lose your hope’ - the words were spoken with so much love and tender which is the very reason why I believed them in the first place. The voice had turned faint and blurred but the words are still clear, and the touch of love in it can be unmistakably recognised.
May be those words were the only means which gave me hope to live a little.
Then, I already gave up on feeling sorry about myself as I knew it won’t change my life rather make me vulnerable and weak, which I could never allow. Moreover, I believed I moved on, a long time back from those memories of past but what about those nightmares which still hunts me down?
I always had this faith in myself that wherever the fate may lead me into, I would always emerge as the winner. I may sound overconfident to many but it was the only force within me pushing me forward in life.
My life had always been of my choices and decisions and it was the same reason why I did not have many number of regrets to count on. Similarly, today when I gazed at the city in all its late night glory from the balcony of my studio apartment, I was not regretting the latest decision of my life to quit my job. The thought had been running in my mind for a while but initially I was not sure about the alternatives. And today completing my notice period of one month I finally got out of the place which did not give me much memories other than that of the first job I had, based on my degree.
The sudden resignation might feel a rash or silly move for an outsider but for someone like me who lived her life on her own terms this definitely was not. A girl in her mid-twenties decided to quit her two-year old job as it does not excite her anymore may sound insane to anyone. Even my best friend felt so when I delivered her the news one month back. That was not even the main part. The girl was on her own with no one to depend on other than herself. And she suddenly once out of blue moon decided to resign her job, her only source of living. Sounds crazy? I would not blame anyone if they think that I was a nutcase because somewhere I did believe that I was.
‘To keep up with this madding world you have to be little crazy, right?’
A small smile played on my lips when I realized that from today I officially belonged to the jobless group of this city. But I was certainly sure that it would not stop me from pursuing my dreams.
The ringing of my phone allowed me to take a break from my thoughts and without even checking the caller ID I knew who it was.
“Aditi..I am totally fine!!” I started without any pleasantries, as I knew my best friend was trying to assure herself of my wellbeing.
“I knew it Sri but as your best friend I needed to check it myself that sitting idle for two hours did not drive you crazy.” She always took it upon herself to make sure I was okay.
Shaking my head at her over protectiveness I replied “I was just thinking....not over thinking Adi..”
“It’s good to know..I know you are strong enough to decide yourself and act accordingly but I just want you to know that I am here.” She always knew how to get through me with her words and as usual, I fell for it.
“I know Adi and I promise you that I won’t spring upon you such surprises anymore. I will definitely give you heads up before hand.” I spoke lightly.
The humour in her voice can be easily caught when she said, “ Oh girl! Make promises you could keep. Both of us very well know this is just another one of your many qualities, to surprise the people around you with these decisions of yours.”
“And you could easily keep up with my surprise decisions. I knew there was a reason behind our friendship!!!” I exclaimed. I could not stop myself but continue this banter between us. Like always, our serious conversation has turned into another round of our bickering.
“Trust me darling it’s anything but easy. You have no idea how unpredictable you are. I am pretty sure that at some point that strong head of yours will definitely give me a heart attack if you keep on doing this!!”
“I hardly think so since your normal head could already predict my unpredictability in most situations.” I replied without missing a beat stressing on the word 'normal'.
“You won’t give in. Right?” She asked with a defeated sigh.
“Did I ever?” I questioned back as both of us very well know the answer for that.
“Never!” Even though she had to feel slightly defeated her voice had a tinge of pride in them as she know the hidden meaning behind our last few words.
"Okay Adi it’s your bed time. Good night. I don’t want you to doze off in the courtroom tomorrow. ”
“Haha..very funny. Okay miss !! I am going now but we are going to meet tomorrow eve to have a detailed discussion about the things going on your head. And don’t even try to bail out on me.” Her voice was really threatening and I knew I have no option but to have the conversation with her tomorrow about my next step.
“Yes mam!” I added with a salute even though I knew she could not see me.
“Good night Sri! Love you!”
“Love you Adi” I chirped.
Our last conversation for the day ended as usual. These mindless bickering with my best friend was the only therapy I needed to tame my restless mind.
-------- ~ -------- ~ -------- ~ --------
It’s past midnight but sleep evaded me. Maybe because my subconscious already knew something big is coming up and it was trying to prepare me to fight every obstacle on the way.
I had already learnt to keep up with the pace of life however fast it may drive in. Nevertheless, it did not mean that I had already moved on from my past. A larger part of me always believed that I had moved on from there a long time back with nothing to look onto. However, lately my self-doubts and insecurities started to get better of me making me wonder whether I really moved on.
My past is not exactly gruesome, at least not as much as it could have been, however it did not mean it was a pleasant journey too. To put it simple, I had many ups and downs in my life like any other person and in my case I could not afford to lean back on someone during any of my storms.
I knew this is not the right time to ponder over my past since I already had lot in my plate to work upon.
My phone pinged to see a massage notification from Adi.
"Go and sleep sweet heart.. Will talk tomorrow "
I did not know how but she always knew when something was up. May be that was one of the hidden points of a friendship as I too could easily catch upon her mood.
Smiling at the antics of my best friend, I finally decided to call it a day.
Please press * at the bottom of your screen to vote for the chapter
Merry Christmas to all.
Will try to come up with Next update by New Year. Till then Keep Smiling :)
Love,
Gauri(Arpita)<3