*112.4 lbs= about 50 kg*
L U K E
Calum let out a heavy sigh before standing to his feet, playing with his fingers as he strode across the waiting room. At the same time he left, the young nurse that had gone into Daisy's room to check on her came out from her room, gently shutting the door behind her. She glided across the floor and over to a middle aged man who stood nearby at a cart, looking through the medical supplies stacked on top of it.
"Doctor Williams, she's awake and experiencing a headache," the nurse spoke gently, her voice nearly a whisper by the time it reached my ears.
"Okay good, thank you," the doctor momentarily paused his shuffling to glance up at her. "I'll go in."
The nurse nodded and walked back down the opposite end of the hallway, presumably to go check on more patients. I stood up from my chair and walked over to the door Calum had walked out of, which was the same door Danielle and him had gone through to go to the little garden. I slowly approached Calum, watching as he reached into his pocket and pulled a little white stick out.
Now standing beside him, I recognized what the little stick was, watching carefully as his fingers fumbled, playing with the cigarette. In his other hand he clutched a black lighter, thumb rubbing against the smooth surface as he stared ahead blankly.
"I thought you stopped," I sat down on the bench beside him with a heavy sigh.
"I... I did.. For awhile," Calum lit the lighter, staring at the flame for a split second before lifting it to the cigarette.
I reached over, quickly snatching the little cancer stick from his fingers before he could light it. "Ash is already upset, don't make things worse by letting him smell this," I held it in front of him, before tossing it away from us, somewhere into the grass. "On you."
"I don't care about Ashton," Calum retorted, reaching back into his pocket. He sighed in exasperation upon finding nothing, running his hands through his hair. "Fück Luke, that was my last one."
"Don't say that."
Calum rolled his eyes, letting the lighter turn off before shoving it back into his pocket.
"Let's just go back inside, okay? We can talk later; but for now Daisy is awake and we need to go see her," I nudged his shoulder before standing, reaching my hand down to him as he stayed put.
Calum took my hand and allowed me to pull him up to his feet, a smile tugging at his pursed lips.
"W-Wait," Calum grabbed my shoulder from where he was lingering behind me as we started to walk.
"Yeah?" I turned, watching as he nervously shifted his weight to his other leg.
"Um," Calum looked away, watching a few birds flutter by. "Do... Do you think what I did was right? I mean, everything that happened earlier..."
"I'm not taking sides Calum," I said.
Calum seemed to hesitate, mouth opening and closing as if he wanted to argue, but he eventually nodded. His eyes held a certain emotion that I couldn't quite decipher, but after a few seconds of analyzing him passed, he swiftly walked past me and went back inside.
***
D A I S Y
TRIGGER WARNING !! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK !! mentions: eating disorders, suicide and self harm !!
"M-My eating habits?" I stammered.
"Yes," Dr. Williams' eyes moved back and fourth as he skimmed through his papers. "We've discovered that you passed out from low nutrients, and Mr. Irwin informed us that you had complained about feeling dizzy lately? Is that right?"
"I..." I was unsure of what to say, the hammering in my heart and my unsteady breathing making me feel like I'd pass out again at any second. "I mean, I've felt a little lightheaded lately..."
"Mhm. I know talking to a stranger is uncomfortable, so why don't you fill this out instead," he handed me a few pages of paper stapled together and a pencil. "Please answer every question as truthfully as possible. I'll be back in about five minutes, okay?"
I nodded, watching as he stood and adjusted his coat before exiting the room, lightly shutting the door behind him. Setting the paper down on the little table in front of me, I skimmed over the first question, my stomach dropping.
There was no way I could lie about these questions, since it was obvious the doctors knew.
#1: Do you worry about your weight? If, so how often? (check one):
most of the time
often
not so often
rarely
I checked off 'often', even though in reality I thought about it all the time.
#2: Have you gone on diets to lose weight?:
yes
no
#3: If you checked 'yes' on #2, have you gone for long periods without eating (fasting), thrown up after eating (purging), or used laxatives?:
yes
no
The feeling of guilt settled into my stomach as I checked of 'yes' for both.
#10: Self harm is purposely hurting yourself, by cutting, burning, etc. to distract from emotional pain. There's a wide variety of reasons why people self harm. Have you purposely harmed yourself?:
yes
no
#11: have you ever experienced suicidal thoughts?:
yes
no
#12: if yes, how often?:
most of the time
often
not so often
rarely
I didn't notice I had started crying until I reached the last question and realized my paper was damp. Hurriedly flipping back to the front page, I began to erase my answers, but was interrupted when the doctor walked back in.
"All done?" he chirped.
Glancing down at the questions I had failed to change, I gulped, before giving him a weak nod. Doctor Williams took the packet from me, patting my shoulder before telling me he would be back again.
The doctors would see my responses and think I had a problem – when in reality I was fine. There was nothing wrong with me, and the things I was doing were just temporary. A temporary diet until I lost weight and reached my desired goal.
But they'd know, Ashton would know, and I'd have to get the help I didn't want. The help I didn't need. I realized I'd have to work extra hard now that Ashton would try to make me gain weight.
Or would he try to make me gain weight? Ashton did care about me.
Ashton doesn't care –
A flashback of Ashton telling me how I had to go to the therapist interrupted my messy thoughts, and I felt myself panicking more. It was Monday afternoon now, and I was scheduled to visit the therapist on Wednesday, and now I definitely wouldn't be able to get myself out of going.
I was so much of a hassle, and such an effort to take care of. Ashton surely hates me. Calum, Luke, Michael and Dani must be sick of me. Sick of pretending to like me.
Wanting to cease to exist wasn't a rare occurrence, it being something I thought about every day, but right now I thought about it more.
Sitting in a hospital room by myself, crying over ruining the life of myself and those around me eating me alive, I wanted to die more than ever.
***
"You are a few pounds under the weight you should be, which is okay, but you aren't getting the nutrients you need," Doctor Williams explained.
Hearing him tell me my weight was healthy and only a bit underweight angered me to no end, proving my point of being a failure. I had to work harder.
"Now, Mr. Irwin has informed me you're visiting a therapist in a few days, yes?" when I nodded he continued. "Okay great. I haven't looked through your responses yet so I cannot offer you help from the hospital unless you ask or until I look through your answers. Is that okay?"
I nodded again.
"Okay. Would you like your family to come in?"
"Yes please."
"Okay I'll allow them in. I'm going to go look over your responses, then I'll be back, alright Ms. Irwin?"
I nodded and watched in silence as he turned and left he room again. Moments later the boys along with Dani shuffled into the room, a suffocating tension following them inside.
"Hey... How are you feeling?" Ashton asked, coming over and standing beside them.
"I feel fine." The panic attack I had nearly fallen into minutes before told me otherwise.
"Good," Ashton thickly swallowed, eyes crawling around the room.
Upon looking over to Dani and Calum, who stood a decent amount of feet away from everyone, I noticed the awkward feeling radiating off of Calum and Ashton. Little pieces of my memory from when I had lost consciousness slowly came back.
I could vaguely remember Ashton and Calum arguing in raised voices, poor Luke pleading for them to stop. What had happened?
"You, um, you really scared us," Luke filled in the awkward silence. "We were so worried about you, but now you're okay."
His rambling made the whole situation more tense, and I wished someone else would try to help.
"Sorry..." I trailed off. "I didn't mean to."
"Well obviously you didn't mean to," Michael teased, brushing the hair from my face. "We just worried about you, that's all."
No you don't.
Michael didn't have to lie to me; I knew no one worried about my well being. A knock came from the door behind them, before Doctor Williams poked his head inside.
"Mr. Irwin, can I speak to you for a moment?"
***
heheh
i had my "birthday party" last night and it was so funnn !! my friends came over and we went to a nice lil restaurant (the cheesecake factory for my fellow americans) and then one of them spent the night at my house and now i feel empty inside bc she left :(
feedback on this chapter ??
how y'all feel about calum's little "secret" or *almost* "relapse" ??
i think that going on with cal along with something similar happening with another member (heheheh) will be very apparent in this version, since i think i made the boys very "flat" in the original version. like it was all about daisy, so i think giving the boys their own problems will add to drama and character growth so get ready ladies
stay positive. ily <3