seventeen // 115.3 lbs

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trying to convince myself
i am allowed
to take up space
is like writing with
my left hand
when i was born
to use my right

- milk and honey




As much as I didn't want to wake up, I sadly did and felt my eyes flutter as I slowly regained consciousness. Squinting my eyes, I looked around, adjusting to the bland white walls surrounding me.

"You're up," a gentle voice came from beside me.

I turned and looked up at them, wincing at the pain erupting in my skull.

"You have a minor concussion," the voice spoke again, and I quickly recognized it as being Ashton.

"I do?" my voice was rough and my throat felt like it was on fire. "W-What happened?"

"You fainted and hit your head pretty hard, so we brought you here," Ashton sighed, sitting in the chair while rubbing his hands over his face. "Daisy, what happened?"

His tone had changed from gentle and maybe even sad, to demanding. It worried me that he was possibly mad at me, but then I also feared he would find out.

"I-I don't know," I lied. "I was just tired."

It was obvious to even me why I had fainted. I was ultimately malnourished, and knowing that didn't scare me, but made me even more motivated.

"People who are tired don't just fücking faint, Daisy!" he snapped.

I jumped, shying away and biting my lip as I tried not to cry. "I-I'm sorry. I've just felt sick and I was too scared to tell you."

Ashton stood up, tugging his hair before muttering out. "I'll go get the doctor."

Before I could even react he turned and walked out the room. Sighing, I sank back into my bed and let a few tears slip before hurriedly wiping them away. A few minutes passed before the doctor came back alone. He seemed kind; an aged man with a smile that had the power to literally calm you down.

"Ms. Irwin, how are you feeling?" he asked, a clipboard pressed to his chest in one arm while the other hand carried a glass of water.

He set it down on the table in front of me and gingerly helped me sit up. I paused for a second as the room spun and I felt nauseous, but quickly regained myself and played it off as if nothing had happened.

"I'm okay. My head really hurts," I admitted, bringing the cup to my lips and taking a few sips to calm my burning threat.

"That's expected now that you have a concussion. I'll get pain medicine for you," he smiled at me before he turned and left the room.

He came back a few minutes later and gave me the medicine. After I had swallowed them, he pulled a chair up beside me.

"So, what made you faint?" he asked, eyes curiously boring into me as he crossed his leg over the other.

I froze, my heart racing. Could I actually lie to a doctor? Would I get in trouble if I did? Did he already know the truth? He was a doctor; he had to know.

"I-I'm not sure."

"Hm," he flipped through his papers. "Mr. Hood told me you've been throwing up after meals. Is that true?"

Defeated, my shoulders hunched over and I hung my head in shame. "Yes."

"Daisy, do you ever purposely starve and/or throw up food you eat?"

I nodded, too choked up to answer verbally.

"Do you fear that eating will make you gain weight?"

Again, I nodded.

"How long have you had these habits?"

I debated lying, but decided that I was already in enough trouble. "A few years."

"I'm going to have to tell your guardian about this, okay?" he asked, and when I nodded he continued, "And we'll try to get you treatment, okay?"

Ultimately defeated, I nodded. The doctor gently patted my shoulder, before walking out the room again. I bit my lip, allowing the tears I had been holding in to finally spill down my cheeks and drop onto the thin white sheet.


"You know we aren't mad, right?"

I broke my gaze out the window by my bed, turning to see Luke leaning against the doorframe.

"We aren't ashamed, or disgusted, or mad. We just want to help you," he continued. "I just want you to know that I'll always be here for you."

"T-Thanks," I looked away, staring down at my hands as I tried not to cry again.

"Wanna talk? Maybe it could help," Luke came over and settled himself on my bed, sitting across from me.

"It's okay," I said, despite the tear running down my cheek.

Luke reached forward and wiped my face before I had the chance to, giving me a sad smile. "It's not okay."

"I just want to be a-alone."

"I understand," he patted my knee. "I'll be in my room if you need me. Don't hesitate to come talk to me."

I nodded, sadly watching him get up and leave. I wanted to call out, ask him to stay and comfort me before my thoughts dragged me down to an even lower point.

I didn't.


(( this isn't edited sorry lol ))

i may constantly have moments of self loathe and think about dying every second of my life, but ya girl is here w another shït update :)

115 lbs = 52 kg

next chapter might have everyone's fav bïtch in it lolol get ready hoes

thank you to all of your messages from the a/n. i honestly appreciate every single one of you <3

stay positive. ily <3

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