sixteen // 114 lbs

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"you took away my stars at night, my sun at day
only leaving me with
the darkness."

***

I woke up with tears streaming
down my face, soaking the pillow under me. Sitting up, I brought my knees up to my chest and cried against them. I could hardly breathe, my throat felt like it was closing. It didn't help that my heart was racing in my chest. My hands shook as I brought them up to my face, wiping my cheeks over and over.

I know that it was just a dream, and none of that had happened, but it still had an impact me. What if Max figured out just how fücked up and unworthy I am, and left me? What if the boys figured it out too and hurt me?

What if Ashton left me?

Ashton, Luke, Michael, and Calum were all I had left; I couldn't bare the thought of losing them.

***
C A L U M

At around twelve I had retired from hanging out with the boys downstairs and went to bed. Twelve turned to one in the morning, and one in the morning, eventually, turned to two in the morning and I was still wide awake.

I had spent the last few hours in an endless cycle of shifting around, trying to fall asleep and staring up at the dark ceiling in thought. Every time I closed my eyes to drift off to sleep, a memory of the secret I had been keeping entered my brain and kept me awake.

I wondered how long she had been harming herself like this, to be as small as she was right now. Years? Had this been a habit she developed before she had even became a teen? The thought made my heart ache, knowing a child had done these things to herself.

I couldn't let this go on any longer.

Reaching over to flip my light on, flinging my legs over the side of the bed. I sat there for a moment, hands rubbing my face as I thought about the consequences of confessing. Would Ashton be upset? At me? At Daisy?

Then the most chilling thought came; Would we ever be the same?

My shaking legs carried me out of my room, quietly tiptoeing down the hallway to Ashton's room. I gently knocked and paused. Had I paused to wait for a response, or because I was having second thoughts? I wasn't entirely sure, but the voice on the other side of the door brought me back to reality.

"Yeah?"

I opened the door and slipped inside, quietly shutting it behind me. "Uh, hey..."

"Hi," Ashton greeted me, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "It's really late, Cal. Everything okay?"

"Not really," I played with my fingers, coming over and sitting down at the end of the bed, "What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep," he shrugged, to which I quietly agreed on. "So, what's bothering you?"

"I-I just don't want anything to change between us," I whispered, still avoiding eye contact and staring down at the floor.

"Nothing will ever change between us. Or even with the rest of the boys, okay?" when I didn't say anything he continued, "Calum, what's going on?"

"A few days ago, I..." I trailed off, unsure of how to say it. "I-I heard Daisy throwing up after you made her eat."

"Is she sick?" Ashton had asked, but I knew he was asking to avoid the problem. He knew what I meant, and for some reason it made me sad that he had been dodging reality.

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