eight // 123 lbs

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"the worst kind of sad is not being able to explain why."


"Hey, wake up."

I was awaken by a gentle voice and two hands shaking me by my shoulders. My tired eyes opened, adjusting to the sunlight flooding into my room.

"We're going to go school shopping, okay?" Ashton used that same gentle tone.

I nodded and flopped back down on my bed, wishing I could just sleep for the rest of my life.

"We'll leave in about thirty minutes," Ashton added as he stood up. "I'm going to start making breakfast soon. Eggs okay?"


"I'm not really hungry," I told him. "I can never eat this early in the day and I don't know why."

Ashton seemed to believe it, and with a hesitant nod he didn't say anything else and left. I sighed in relief that he didn't question it, and after a few minutes of staring up at the ceiling, I climbed out of bed.

Since I didn't have much time, I only did a few quick exercises before grabbing a change of clean clothes and heading over to my bathroom. I locked the bathroom door behind me and turned on the shower, setting it to warm water.

After my shower I got out and dried myself off. I couldn't help but stare into the reflection of the mirror, taking in the sight of my exposed body. My stomach was flabby and gross, my thighs were fat and still touched. I looked disgusting. With a shake of my head and a few pinches of my skin, I changed into clean clothes and went on with getting ready.

I brushed my teeth and hair, the whole time daydreaming about how I'd look twenty four pounds lighter. Twenty four pounds. Only twenty four pounds away from my goal weight.

The realization made me even more motivated and excited, and right then and there I decided I'd fast for the rest of today, and hopefully tomorrow too if Ashton didn't force me to eat.


The car ride to the local Target was the loudest twenty minutes I'd ever been through. For what ever reason, Michael was extremely hyper today.

He had the aux cord today, and had decided to play a range of anything between Taylor Swift, his own music, Blink-182 and One Direction.

Ashton and Michael entertained themselves by taking videos of the two of them singing, while Calum sat on his phone and tuned them out.

"I'm sorry about them," Luke let out a high pitched giggle. "Michael must have had sugar."

"Luke shut up," Michael hissed from the front seat.

I laughed out loud as Luke flipped his friend off, rolling his eyes and eventually laughing. We pulled up to Target and Ashton and I were the only ones to get out.

"Where are they going?" I asked Ashton as we walked into the store and the boys drove off.

"They're just going to wait in the car so we don't attract too much attention," Ashton slipped on sunglasses and adjusted the beanie covering his curly hair. "Okay so first we need –"

I tuned him out because the amount of people that looked over at us as we walked past them was unsettling. My mind raced, thinking of everything that could be going through those people's heads. They were judging how my fat thighs jiggled with every step, how my stomach was round and bloated under my t-shirt. I felt exposed, even in jeans and a loose fitting shirt.

Unable to take it any longer, I stared down at my feet and picked up my pace.

"Hey slow down, you're walking faster than me," Ashton joked from beside me.

We reached an aisle full of school supplies, where Ashton handed me the list.

"I need to grab a few things for the house. Will you be okay to grab things on your own?" Ashton asked, and when I nodded he continued, "Okay cool. I'll be back."

I watched him walk away and turned back to the shelves. Going down the list, I grabbed pencils and pens and highlighters. Over in the next aisle was folders and paper that I grabbed. I groaned in annoyance upon noticing the pack of looseleaf paper was sitting on the highest shelf. Stretching up on my tiptoes, I reached up and desperately grabbed at the paper. My fingers hit one of the stacks and it fell off the shelf, loudly slamming down on the floor beside me.

I'm sure my cheeks started to flush as I turned and went to bend down to pick it up, when a hand beat me to it. A girl around my age swiftly bent down and retrieved the stack for me, offering a small smile as she then held it out towards me.

"Thank you," I gushed, kindly taking it.

The girl was on the taller side, effortlessly reaching up to grab her own pack. Jealousy coursed through me as her tight crop top lifted up more to show her belly button. This girl had such a nice body.

With a toss of her light blonde hair over her shoulder, the girl turned to me and smiled, blue eyes shining under the lights. "You're welcome."

The girl gave a small wave before brushing past me and walking off. I stood there for a few seconds, thinking about how perfect and carefree she seemed.

If only I could be like her.


and dauburn has begun :')

sorry for not updating ive been busy with graduation parties and everything but im back :)

do y'all like the new cover? making it took like 5 minutes so i think i'm going to go back and change it up more :)

stay positive. ily <3

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