"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are to become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No ... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!"
-Captain Correli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernières
Chapter 21
I walk into our bedroom with a stupid grin covering my face. It’s hard to believe that just in the morning I had no mood to even look at him and now, I’m smiling from his sudden change of behavior. For no apparent reason, I go and stand in front of the full length mirror and look at myself. My hair has dried but still my lower waves stick to each other due to moisture. I free them by gently moving my fingers through them.
There is a lot of difference I see. My eyes aren’t red but show a glimpse of radiance. My cheeks looked pumped out and a pinkish layer settles over it, giving a very subtle change to it. And most importantly, my lips have turned slightly upwards and refuse to go normal. So much for change.
I dived nearly after seven years and I still can’t come to terms with the fact that I actually allowed myself to divulge in something I refused to go back to. The hormones inside me were haywire when it comes to it and I can’t be more grateful. But no matter how hard I try to convince myself, I know this change in me isn't because of diving.
I turn around to shower after a tiring day.
--
I walk out of the bathroom, wrapping myself merely in a towel. My hair is dripping water and I try to be careful, not to wet the carpet. I unzip my bag and remove a pair of the simplest lingerie I can find out of the stock of lingerie which is cuddled up in my bag. I have no idea even if I’ll wear this when I’m alone, let alone in front of anyone. I unzip Liam’s bag as well and remove a grey sweat shirt which covers most of my essentials. I wear my slacks and dry my hair.
I’m not really sure how I would face him after today. I was almost on the verge of taking a divorce with him and now he is making dinner for both of us. It seems surreal and I think I’ll just wake up now from my nightmare and we’ll be where we were before.
I tie my hair in a braid as soon as they dry and walk out of my bedroom. I enter the kitchen and suddenly, I’m conscious of what I’m wearing. Well, I shouldn’t be because it isn’t the first time I’m wearing some of his clothes, but nevertheless I am. I look at him and my eyes widen.
He stands completely oblivious to anything around him, in a simple white T-shirt and loose jeans with an apron tied around his waist. His hair is disheveled and he concentrates in a book in front of him. His hand is covered by a certain white powder and other one is trying to balance the book and adding some ingredient together. I almost laugh at him.
I walk near him and stand in front of the counter where he cooks. A delicious aroma invades my smell instincts and it is so good that I can’t really wait for it.
“So, Mr. Chef, what is for dinner tonight?” I chirp. I myself find my voice amusing and I can’t hide the excitement in them.
He looks up and gives me a goofy grin. That’s when I realize a small part of what looks like cheese rests on the tip of his mouth.
“Well, I tried for something fancy. But since we are out of nowhere, let’s just stick to some basics?” he smiles and his eyes crinkle. He looks so content that I wish to smile too, like him.
“Mascarpone?” I ask, taking the recipe book from his hand. I go through the recipe of this dish and it’s quite simple.
“With cheese garlic.” He says, adding some salt from the near bowl. “Do you like it?”
“Well, my mother used to make me some a while back. So you have a tough competition to impress me.” I smile wickedly.
He looks up from the hot cheese stew he just heated and raises his eyebrow. “I like competition.” He finally says, “Gives me an edge.” He winks at me.
I blush scarlet once he winks at me. I try to neglect the rampant beating of my heart in my rib cage and it really feels as if it will burst out if allowed to. It doesn’t mean anything at all. It’s just that Liam and I are on some co-operative terms with each other and now, I’m going to try my best not to spoil it on my expense.
I have a million questions steaming in my mind. I have no clue why he has changed so suddenly. He looked like such a lost child, almost vulnerable, when he got out of the water. Then why does he hide his soft side only for the world to face his ruthless demeanor? He just wants to show the world that he is not caring and kind when in reality he cares more than anyone. If that was the case, he could have easily let me die two days back. He could have easily said no to his father, since his father can’t go against his will at all. He could have easily just escaped and continued with his life.
But he did not.
“Tiara?” Liam asks. I wasn’t paying attention. I look up at him. “You do zone out a lot.” He murmurs.
“Yeah?” I ask, trying to think what he actually said to me.
“I asked do you want to eat here or outside?” He looks proudly at his dish.
“Um… outside? It’ll be cold enough.”
“Hmm, okay.” He looks through outside through the glass door and nods his head.
--
He places two china dishes on the table which is right in front of the beach. Even though I haven’t come to this place before, it looks so beautiful and calming. The only sound we can hear is of the waves dashing and the only light illuminating is of the moon. Our mansion lights are dimmed and the scene is breathtaking. It is cold, not too much though. The wind strikes against my bare legs and I immediately sit on the chair.
Liam goes inside the mansion and comes back out, with a bottle of wine in his hand. He places it in a bowl of ice cubes and serves some spoons of the cooked Mascarpone in my plate followed by his. He looks so happy doing this and I immediately wonder, isn’t his ego bruised by serving me? Maybe not, I tell myself.
He sits in front of me and looks at me with hopeful eyes. His fingers are knotted against each other and he his face is so nervous which makes me laugh.
“Aren’t you going to try it?” He asks, his voice natural.
“Actually I was planning to eat it after you. You know, just in case.” I smirk.
“Really? Then damn, my plan of murdering you by the mere co-incidental event of food poisoning is a flop.” He says, sounding as sarcastic as he can. This makes me giggle too much. “Are you going to eat it or be sassy as ever?”
The smell of the rich food in front of me is threatening more than it was before and I can’t really control myself. It looks so well designed that I think of giving him full marks for preparation. I pick my spoon up and take a small grab. I look at him and place it in my mouth.
The taste invades my taste buds and finally, I get to feel it. The taste is so divine that I can indulge in it forever. The heated cheese melts in my mouth and I realize the caramel in it is mouthwatering also.
“Did you like it?” He asks nervously.
“Hmm…” I murmur. Like isn’t exactly the word I’d use.
“Say something, Tiara.”
“It’s…”
“It’s?”
“It’s… too… Mmmm… good.” I finally say and look at him. The nervous look on his face gets exchanged immediately by a proud smile and then into a happy grin.
“Thanks.” He says shyly. He picks up his fork and starts eating.
Minutes pass by and both of us just enjoy the servings, not saying anything. The only sound is of the water and the occasional chews. Our eyes lock time and again but both of us look away immediately. Are we nervous or what?
“Tiara?” It’s Liam who finally breaks the silence.
He looks over to the beach and then the moon. It seems as if he was conflicting with something in his mind.
“Fiji’s a beautiful place, isn’t it?” He finally says, sounding breathless. He looks too deep in his thoughts.
“Yes, it is.” I look at him and say, which is more like a whisper. I don’t know where both of us stand now. After a major conflict yesterday, our stars have taken a different route altogether. It is highly awkward to be here with him when just yesterday, I was planning our divorce.
“It must have been a good experience if our situation was different.” He says. He looks at me for a split second and looks away immediately, setting his gaze on the stars again. I know what he is referring to and he cannot be more right than this. I just find myself nodding my head slightly because, I don’t know why, he keeps me confused all the time. I don’t know what I should tell him after this since his mood changes so fast, it is difficult to keep up.
We stay quiet for a long time, thinking in our own bubbles. His vision is set in the sky and I look at the water. We are just like this; he is the star in the sky. He looks so near and shinning and that’s when we realize that he is distant, too distant to even touch or feel. Whereas I’m the water, no matter how hard I try to drift away farther from the shore, from every relation I have in this world, I seem to come dashing back again.
“Tiara?”, Liam says, still watching the moon, “why did you agree to marry me?”
This question catches me off guard and I look at him instantly. Doesn’t he know why I married him?
“What? You know, because of my father’s financial issue and your father’s condition and…” I ramble. How can he ask me this out of everything?
“No, not that. Why did you agree to marry me when you knew how I was… am?” his gaze burns in mine and they’re having their tantalizing effect on me, again. I finally understand what he means and this question arises in my mind as well.
“I didn’t have an option back then. I was just asked and I couldn’t let my father down, I guess. I love him too much.” I say.
“You love your father so much that you were ready to marry the most ruthless and badass guy there is? Without even worrying how your life will turn out to be? You are too selfless, isn’t it?”
There is this certain pain in his voice which doesn’t go unnoticed by me. He isn’t trying to get in a fight with me, but it just feels he is speaking his mind, finally. We haven’t talked about our situation or marriage this casually and I never thought he would prison me in his chain of questions.
“It isn’t about being selfless. I just wanted to help my father in any way I could. Even if it meant in this way.”
“Haven’t you read any press reports about me? You know, about my other activities?” he says carefully.
“Yes, I have.” I gulp. Where is he taking all this?
“Then weren’t you worried that you were basically going to marry a manwhore, as they termed me? Weren’t you worried I would do something to you, without your will? And if you didn’t want to, I’ll legally have all the rights to… since I will be your husband and all?” He says, each word threatening. But behind his merciless words, there was hurt, pain and agony. Even though he tried to act fearless and not caring a damn about anyone else, he was really affected by this. More than telling me, it seemed he was telling and reminding himself what he is and how the media has characterized him.
“You wouldn’t do anything to me.” I tell him.
“What makes you think that?” He eyes me. His vision drops to his sweatshirt and then back to my eyes. My heart beats crazily inside me and I think I will faint right away. The way he looks at me, under the crescent shinning of the moon, revealing his darker side, the soft stubble which grows below his lips looks more attractive as ever, is enough for my un-doing.
“My father said so. He knew it and was sure than anything that you wouldn’t do anything against my liking. He trusts you and I trust him.” I say, suddenly feeling breathless. I feel like I’m drowning alone by looking at him. I need to start swimming away from him, but the problem is, I have left the shore far behind.
His face softens and he looks away immediately.
“Amidst all the things the media plans to write about us, they tend to forget that we are humans too.” He says coldly.
He releases the shutters of his self which he hides very nicely and I crave to talk to him. I want to know him, know him more than anybody. Why is he like this? Why can’t he talk to anyone, letting himself go. Why is he so adamant to know things about me? I want to know; I need to know.
“I think you should go sleep. It’s late.” He says and gets up from his seat. He doesn’t walk towards the house but away from it, towards the beach.
“Where are you going?” I ask him.
“Nowhere in particular.” He tells me.
“Can I come with you as well?”
“But…”
“Please?”
“Okay…”
I can’t let him go and slip away when he was ready to talk. My mother would have not done that and I’m not going to do that either. He slips his fingers through his hair and we start walking next to each other. It’s been a long time since I’ve walked and I realize that I haven’t ever walked on this beach before. Out of all the times I can remember, it was Liam who sneaked out of the house and didn’t come back.
Everything is pleasant as we start walking. It’s just the same but as we walk bare footed, I realize the sand on which we walk is really soft and I can feel my legs press in to them. Liam just admires the beauty around us, stuffing his hands in his pockets and walking slowly and both of us subconsciously keep the same pace with each other.
“You didn’t tell me how you felt today? After the dive, that is.” This time, it is me who breaks the silence. This question is eating me since a long time and Liam just appears to be lost in his world since morning.
He closes his eyes for a moment, as if trying to absorb the surreal reality and opens them again.
“Thank you…” He says after a long pause.
“Don’t thank me. You were the one who did it.” I say, shyly. Out of all of the things I expected him to say, this wasn’t even near to it.
“Yes, but you were there with me. It was so beautiful, so surreal that I thought I was dreaming. I was scared to close my eyes only to open them and find myself where I was before. Dying in a closed office.” He trails off. There is a certain amount of emotion flickering behind his words, as if he is still trying to force himself to believe that he did it.
“And you didn’t want to do it.” I tease him.
“Yes!” He chuckles, “But I’m glad I did. For a moment I thought I was alone when I didn’t see anyone else around me. But then you came and I felt a little better.” I ignore the goddess inside me who is dancing now. Both of us walk quietly again. It isn’t silent or awkward since the wave sound fills our ears. I am grateful to them.
“So how many boyfriends did you have?” What? I’m caught off guard again.
“Um…” I stammer, “I don’t know. I think two.” I shouldn’t sound as stupid as I’m sounding now. But for some reason, I don’t feel like talking about my boyfriends with my husband.
“Two? Really?” He looks at me suspiciously, but laughs and looks away.
“Yeah, the first one was more of a fling. Both of us were idiots, just playing around with each other.”
“And the second one?”
“We dated for two years. But we drifted apart. He wanted something from life and I wanted something else.” I say, remembering my old memories.
“Two years is a long time. What is his name? Don’t you miss him?”
“His name was Ryan. No, I don’t miss him. Just past…” I murmur. “I’m not going to be the only one answering. How many girlfriends did you have? Ten, fifty, maybe more?” I smirk at him but his expression remains placid.
“Zero.” He snorts, “I had zero girlfriends. I never dated anyone.” This makes no sense. He is either lying, or doesn’t want to tell me.
“But… those reports?” I stumble.
“yeah, how can someone who is caught making out with someone every other night has no girlfriend?” even though he is right, he makes it sound extremely funny and stupid. “I agree, but I am…” He pauses, “commitment phobic.”
My head turns in every possible way. I am married to someone who is commitment phobic and how can I possible forget that? I had read it in every article about him and even though, I try to progress somewhere, something will pull me back everytime.
“But you are married to me” My voice cracks.
“I know. But that’s what I am. It’s how I function.” He looks at me. I try to ignore the stab in my heart after listening to this. I shouldn’t feel this bad anyway. What was I really expecting from a week’s marriage after all? He hasn’t changed by his attitude and even though I hate to admit it , my feelings for him have surfaced.
“That’s what I’ve been from the start, Tiara. It’s just me. I like to be this way.” He says slowly. I can finally picture Liam now. It isn’t about me or him having issues but he has been like this from the start- alone. He can’t commit to people because maybe, he doesn’t trust them. Words of my mother come ringing back to me. Somewhere amidst all the beauty in front of me, the sound of the seawaves flowing towards the shore and back, the moon illuminating the dark, I see a peek of a lost boy for the first time.
“Do you realize? This is the first time we are talking and not screaming at each other.” I say to lighten the mood. “Tell me something about yourself, your childhood for instance.” I smile, knowing very well that I have touched a sensitive topic.
His body easily tenses and his face shows a wave of hurt, confusion and distance but gains his composure quickly.
“Just like everyone else’s. Nothing different.” He forces a smile. He seems to shut down again.
“Really? Is that how you will define it? My father is near to me more than anyone else and I think I’d say that I would love to go back to my childhood. It was by far my most favorite phase.” I choose every word carefully. He just nods.
Liam seems to be lost in some trance of his world. Even though he heard every word that I said, he doesn’t give any reaction. He continues to look at his shadow forming on the sand because of the moonlight.
“Dad was never there.” He says, recovering immediately, “I mean dad was always on tours, with your father of course. My childhood mainly comprised of Josh. He was that protective brother everyone in school was scared of. But I then went to a boarding school at the age of sixteen. So yes, boarding schools were a part, too.”
“He does seem like that protective brother. Older ones are always like that.” Old memories that I had locked up in the chest of my heart seem to return back.
He nods and looks at me instantly. “Wait do you have an older sibling? Not that I remember any…” Those caramel eyes search my face, looking for a sign. I would stop this topic right away if those eyes weren’t that expectant. I feel the same nauseous feeling pilling inside me. How many people will I lie to?
“I had an older sister.” I whispered. I doubt I hear myself or not. I stop walking and look towards the dark sea. Even though I try to neglect the mental pain inside me, Aricia’s void will never be filled. No one can take that place and that hollow will remain a hollow forever.
“Oh… what do you mean you had?” he stops along with me. His glare burns inside me and I can’t even look away when all I want to do is run.
Save me, Tia.
Don’t leave me alone, Tia.
Take care of mother and father, alright?
Miss me a bit.
I love you, Tia. Good bye.
This voice doesn’t leave my mind even when my own voice combines with it. My head starts aching and I close my eyes shut. Even though it’s been years, the pain is same. In fact, it is more every time it occurs to me.
“She’s dead.” I state coldly, “She’s not alive anymore.” I stand dumbstruck.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that. Fuck, I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry Tiara.” Liam looks at me, standing in front of me. He places his palm on my cheeks and rubs it softly with his thumb. For no reason, I find his touch calming. I try to shoo away the disgusting flashes of my haunting past, but they come running back to me.
He slips his hand into mine, raises my chin up with his free hand. Our fingers knot together like laces and I look into his hypnotizing eyes.
“Come, let me show you something.” He tells me and I follow him.
---
A/N: Hello everyone! (: I don't usually write any notes but this is an important event for me since I crossed 5K Reads a while back. So i want to thank every person who supported and motivated me to write. Thank you so soo much to everyone who votes and comments, it motivates us to a great extent.
I want to thank this one person in particular and that's my dear friend @craic_mama. Without her words of motivation, i would have stopped writing The Script long time back. All Directioners, go follow her on twitter.
P.S WWA Tour starts today! Who is excited? Haha
please vote and comment, thank you (: