Altschmerz
The weariness with having the same old issues that you've always had.
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"Say... what do you think that guy would do if I were to die again?"
"What?"
The indignation in Killua's voice was clear.
"I asked, what do you think that guy would do if I were to di again?" Aki repeated, frowning deeper.
Killua gave her a look before replying. "Good luck with that." He scoffed.
"You'd be lucky if you even manage to put one foot in the coffin. That guy would never allow you to die, idiot." He added, albeit sarcastically.
"That's right. Gon is that kind of person." All the more reason to fear.
Aki could just envision it—Gon's lifeless body at her feet interlapping with all of her loved ones. She flinched at the idea; at the simple notion of adding another name at her conscience.
"Hey."
Aki covered her mouth, mentally beating herself up for being hung up on her past 'life'. She was doing it again—coinciding her present with the past. Aki grit her teeth.
It must have been a side effect of the jutsu. And, Aki has been finding it hard to keep herself rooted to 'this' world.
Despite the odds of having a way back home at Whale Island, she wasn't keen on returning back to her previous world. Her time was over. Going back there would've only tormented her.
"—Hey! You're ignoring me again." Killua bumped her shoulder, jolting her back to reality. Aki blushed a little, embarrassed by her own attachment to the past—and how she was trying to connect it to her present company.
"It's nothing! I—uh... I just... I'm still kind of in the process of debunking my memories." Aki explained.
Killua raised a brow, but didn't comment further. Aki was thankful for the silence.
"... Hey. I know that look."
Aki looked at Killua in surprise. "You do?"
Killua shrugged. "I came from a family of assassins, remember? That's why, I know the look of horror. I'm quite familiar with it."
"... I guess so." Aki agreed.
"So?"
"So what?"
Killua had to keep himself from groaning. "Mind telling me what you're worried about? What are you so horrified of?"
Aki looked at Killua, ruminating over his words.
"... I told you guys about my past, right? How all of my family is dead or has abandoned me. Well, except the family that I apparently have here, I suppose." Aki quickly added towards the end.
"Yeah?"
"So..." Aki sighed. "I'm scared."
"Of what, exactly?"
"Of losing anyone else."
"And? Do you think we don't feel that too?" Killua prodded.
"What?"
"My dad used to tell me to never act unless the path to success is certain. That's because emotions like fear and worry brought about by unequated factors will mess up the job. That's why we train relentlessly." Killua spared a glance at Aki. "Isn't it the same for you?"
Aki thought over Killua's words.
"In fact, it's the same for Hunters. Though, I think being a Hunter is more lax on the rules and whatnot." Killua quickly added.
Aki looked up, her expression a little better.
"Thanks. Talking with you helped clear my mind." She thanked Killua, genuinely and without any of her usual sarcasm.
"Hmm—no big deal, stupid." Killua responded in turn, trying to keep the red from showing on his face.
Aki snorted, a signal that her playful side was about to surface.
"Wow~ I would've never imagined having a decent conversation with you, four months ago."
Killua smirked. "Well, we only have you and your sarcasm to blame."
"What—you started it though??"
"Hah! Like you didn't purposely rile me up in ways only you would come up with. Like that time you made a ruckus during Gon's first match."
Killua pouted. Aki shook her head with a smile on her lips.
"Well, you don't exactly mind now, do you?" She teased.
They continued to banter, throwing arguments and jokes together. It would've been nice to have more moments like this with Aki.
Killua smiled ruefully.
Ah—there was no denying it now.
He likes Aki.
Ironic how his aversion towards the dark-haired person, slowly blossomed into fondness that grew over time. And now, Killua found someone he cherished more than his own life.
It's temporary.
His brother's voice echoed in his head. Killua froze in terror.
"Killua?! What's wrong—"
You don't need weaknesses. Always prioritize the mission.
Killua's breathing started to become labored.
If you stay by his side, one day you'll kill him.
"No! I won't. " Killua yelled out loud.
"Killua! What's wrong?" Aki asked, alarmed. The light-haired boy slowly looked down at Aki. However, he had a hard time concentrating on her image—not with his brother's eyes mingling at the back off his mind.
Aki assessed the boy. Sweat was running down his brow, and his grip on the plastic bag was tight. She checked his pulse, and tried to get him to answer her. It's doesn't seem like he was communicating telepathically with someone.
All the evidence so far, points out to another psychological attack.
Aki cursed under her breath. She didn't have any calming medical pills anymore. So instead, she made hand seals for Medical Ninjutsu and placed her glowing hands on his temples.
Immediately, Killua's vision cleared. He breathed a sigh of relief. Aki patted his back.
"... Thanks."
"Are you feeling better now?" Aki asked.
"Yeah. Peachy." Killua replied.
"... Does this always happen to you?" Aki asked.
"No... it's just—" Killua trailed off. He was unsure with how to explain his trauma.
"It's fine. You don't have to tell me. I mean, if you feel uncomfortable." Aki assured. Killua looked down. He felt ashamed of himself, for being so weak to his brother's words.
But, most of all—he hated his own weakness that swallowed him whole. Killua looked at Aki with woeful eyes.
I'm scared. I'm afraid I'd end up killing you one day.
Then, Killua shook his head. As if he'd ever find the courage to say that out loud.
He picked up the plastic bags that Aki had dropped. And, unceremoniously, they continued on their way back. They hads already took too much time.
But, just as they were nearing their hotel, Aki suddenly pulled Killua to a nearby alley.
Talk about deja vú.
Just as he was about to ask, Aki embraced the boy in her arms.
What.
Killua froze. Too surprised to push her away. He could feel the warmth from Aki's body.
His heart started to beat in his ears. And he couldn't hear anything else. For an assassin, it was a bad situation to be in.
But, for Killua Zoldyck—a boy who had just started puberty—it was pure bliss.
When Aki started to let go, Killua unconsciously dropped the bags on his hands and pulled Aki back to his chest. Oh gods, he did it.
Killua knew this was simply Aki's way of comforting him. But, he couldn't stop himself.
This definitely made him gay.
"Mnmpf—!" Aki's words were muffled on his shirt. That's how tight he was hugging her.
Only then did he realize his mistake. Quickly, he softened his hold, although he seemed intent on keeping the hug. Aki tilted her chin up and gave him a curious look.
"Do you... feel better now?"
Killua could've sworn he saw flowers in the background.
"Yeah. I feel better." Killua admitted. It was as if his doubts were overwhelmed by the power of love.
Cringe.
Nope. Definitely not.
They continued to hug, staring at each other in this position. And, did I mention, this was a perfect position for kissing?
That must have been why Killua was drawn to Aki's lips.
"I'm going to kiss you." Killua whispered a warning onto Aki's lips.
"W-what?" Aki asked, a little stupefied by the proclamation.
"I said—you know what? Never mind." Killua gave up on using words. Instead, he took the first move this time, and smashed his lips onto Aki's slightly parted ones.
Fireworks didn't explode. But, Killua felt like his heart just did—as it hammered away at his chest.
Their lips molded into one, chaste kiss. It didn't feel obtrusive, like that time Aki forced a pill inside his mouth.
The kiss lasted a second. And neither of them closed their eyes in that brief moment of bliss.
When Killua pulled back, Aki was still frozen in shock. And Killua realized his mistake.
"Ack—! My bad!!" He quickly pushed her away from him.
"W-what—" Aki stuttered.
It was her first kiss. Her first 'real' kiss. And it was Killua who initiated it.
Aki could still feel the ghost of his lips on top of hers. And her hand unconsciously went to her lips to check.
"... Aki." Killua called out. But, he already had her full attention.
"W-why did you..." Aki trailed off, discontinuing her question—for she was a little afraid of his answer.
That he would claim it was a mistake.
"I..." Killua trailed off, his voice disappearing on him. He gulped air. Aki's questioning stare didn't help his nerves.
"Look—ever since that hair clip incident, I—I noticed that... I mean, I realized that... that I..."
I like you.
(YES! We finally have the confession!
What do you call a guy who likes a lesbian? Or, what do you call a girl who specifically likes gay guys?
Are they still considered straight? Lemme know your thoughts!)
EDITED: February 24, 2022
~ End of #38 ~