Rowan walked into English and found me sitting in my usually seat. He was not yet in the room and I was enjoying every second of it.
"I got the letter done. I meant to send you an email last night to let you know but my mom decided it was family night again and I was forced to watch some chick flick, her choice." He apologized.
"It's fine. I'm just glad you got it done." I said.
His letter determined half of my grade. If I wanted to get any scholarships to help pay for college, to get me the hell out of this town, I'd need my grades to be shiny.
The bell rang and soon he walked past me and Rowan. Mr. Oliver immediately started talking.
"Everyone please go find you partner and sit by them if you haven't done so already. You will have a few minutes to put the finishing touches on your letters before turning them in. I hope you all took my advice and did this outside of class like I said. The reason why these letters need to be handwritten is so I can tell who did all the work."
I watched as he got up and left to find his partner. Thankfully they were far away from me. I don't think I could handle him touching me again.
That night I left Rowan's I was thinking about his hands all over me. I knew Rowans wouldn't understand nor did I want to explain. I went home and took a shower trying to scrub away his touch. The memories of the night it happen flooded my brain. His hands were imprinted on me. Scarring me forever and they couldn't be erased.
Every time I stood in the mirror I felt like I wasn't a human being, I was something he used. I was like a broken piece of glass. No one wanted something broken.
"I think we're pretty much finished, don't you?" Rowan asked.
I nodded and took out my handwritten letter. Daisy was a complicated character to try and act like, but I felt like I did her justice.
"Hand me yours and I'll turn it in for you." He offered sticking out his hand.
Handing him the envelope I quickly yanked my hand back not wanting to feel his skin across mine. He noticed my actions but didn't say anything.
He got up and walked over to Mr. Oliver's desk in the corner. He slipped the envelopes in the tray and made his way back to me.
"So since we're done with the project I was wondering if you wanted to get a bite later after school, maybe at the burger joint?" He asked.
"Um... I'm not for sure. Who's all going?" I didn't want to be anywhere near him and I knew he was friends with Rowan.
"Just me and the guys. They're bring their girlfriends, it'll be cool."
"I'm not good in big groups." It wasn't a lie nor was it the complete truth.
"Oh okay." He said looking out the window. The sun was shining and it was shaping up to be a beautiful day. "What if we go just the two of us?"
"Won't they still be there?" I asked confused. How did that help? He was still going to be in the same place as me.
"We could go to the beach." He smiled.
"Isn't it a little chilly to go swimming?" I asked. I knew it looked sunny outside but it wasn't warm enough to wear a swimming suit out in the ocean. Not that I would want to wearing a bikini in front of people.
"Yeah, but I was thinking we could just sit on the sand and watch the waves. We don't have to if you don't want to. I just thought it would give us something to do till they left."
Rowan looked at me his eyebrows raised waiting for an answer. Somehow I felt more comfortable around him then I have around any guys in a long time. I didn't feel the urge to run when he was near.
"Sure. Sounds good." I replied.
"Great. I'll pick you up at the doors after school." He said.
"You do know I'm capable of walking to your jeep, right?" I questioned. There was no need for him to give me any special treatment.
"Oh I know. I've seen it every time you run away from me." He laughed. I knew he was being sincere, he truly thought it was a harmless joke. "But I was thinking that you needed to call your mom again and I could get the jeep like last time."
I found my smile almost smiling at his laugh. "Yeah you're right. Sorry." I apologized.
"No it's fine. No need to apologize." He shook it off.
At the end of the day I met Rowan at his jeep despite what he said earlier. On the walk there I called my mother and left her a message. I was sure she wouldn't mind that I going. I knew she would be stoked that I was hanging out with people outside of school again. I was surprised that she didn't confront me about it the other night.
"I thought I was picking you up at the door." Rowan said unlocking his door.
"I figured it was easier to just make the call as I walked." I shrugged.
I heard Rowan's group of friends hooping and hollering as they walked to their vehicles. He was with them. I scurried around to the other side of the jeep and got in trying to hide from him.
Zach knocked on the window causing me to jump. Rowan rolled down the window to talk to him.
"Are you going to eat with us?" He asked not paying any attention to me.
"No. I'm going to the beach with Lennon."
He looked over at me and said, "Your loss. See you at the party tomorrow night." And with that he left.
Rowan started the jeep and put it in reverse. Looking over his shoulder he back out of the parking space and put it in drive.
"Are you sure you don't want to go with your friends? You can just drop me off at home and go met up with them." I felt bad for him missing out this time with his friends.
"Well according to my mom we used to be quite good friends." He said, smiling.
I almost forgot about that. Rowan and I used to be good friends a long time ago back in preschool. But then we were separated in middle school. He went to the one on the west side of town and I went to the east one. We lived five minutes away from each other but after that we just didn't seem to have time for one another He was busy with sports and I was busy with hanging out with the girls. We didn't drift away, we broke away.
"Yeah. Funny how things change so much." I took out the CD out of the CD player and looked at it. Maroon 5. "Some things never change." I laughed.
"What? They are the best." He defended.
"I'm surprised you still listen to them. I figured you would be in to rap like all the other guys." I pushed the CD back in the player feeling like I was invading his personal space.
"I like some of it. There's a few Eminem CDs in a case in the backseat." He pointed.
"Okay." I laughed. Eminem wasn't too bad. Definitely one of the better rappers.
"Hold on just a second." He said taking one hand off the wheel and reached in the backseat for the case.
"Rowan you going to kill us!" I screamed.
"No we're fine." He lifted the case up and sat it on his lap. "I knew what I was doing."
I rolled my eyes at him and took the case from him. I unzipped the case and found hundreds of CDs in side. Not very many people owned CDs anymore.
"Find the CD that has She Will Be Loved. It's been stuck in my head for the past week after reading something."
I found the CD and put it in the player, putting the other back in its original spot. The music came through the speakers softly at first.
I didn't pay much attention to the lyrics till I got the the verse look for the girl with the broken smile. That's the only part that brought me in.
Could people see how broken I was?
Did my mom see right through me?
"You're awful quiet quiet over there." Rowan gave me a small look before turning his attention back on the road. "Something wrong?"
Nothing was wrong, just me overthinking. I wish I could just shut off my for a little while make all the nightmares go away. Get some good nights rest for once.
"No, just listening to the song."
The rest of the ride we talked less and listened to more music. I hadn't been to the beach since last year. The sand was still a little cold but it felt good underneath my feet compared to the burning hot sand in the summer.
Rowan got a towel out of his truck for me to spread out on the sand and sit on. I didn't want to get sand on my butt and track it on to his jeep's seats.
"I've been wanting to ask you what made you leave so quick the other night? Did I do something wrong?" He asked me.
"No. I just thought that we had all that we needed. Sorry." I found myself telling a backwards lie.
"Why do you keep apologizing?"
I wish I knew.
"I don't know." I shrugged.
"So do you like the beach?" He asked changing the subject.
"Yeah. I haven't been here for a while. What about you?" I asked trying to keep the conversation going. I was so out of practice with this. Talking never was my forte.
"I come here every couple of days. I like to surf the waves when I have a lot of my mind. I also teach people to surf." He smiled as he talked about surfing. It was something you could tell was his passion. His coping mechanism.
My journal was long gone by now and I was finally coming to terms with it. I was stupid to write all of those things down. Surely whoever found it thought I was some crazy depressed teenager. I haven't been writing anything down since I lost it.
"Lennon?"
"Yeah?" I asked. I must have drifted away from reality.
"I said I could teach you how to surf sometime." he repeated himself.
"I don't think I would be able to balance on board, plus I'm not a strong swimmer." The last time I went swimming I could only go where my feet touched the bottom. I would freak out if I couldn't touch.
"Well anytime you want a lesson let me know. I'll give you a free one. Anyway I think they should be done now. You ready to go get something to eat?"
"Yeah." As long as he was gone, I was ready.
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