Work was long, I don't want to be here for this. I've had enough of this place for one day but I sit at the bar stabbing my fucking fork into my stupid cake over and over just so I have something to do. It's Jace's farewell party, his last shift before he becomes a lawyer. Everyone has left and just the staff remain.
It's not like he'll never be back, he does partly own this place. I roll my eyes at Isabel's over the top dramatics like she'll never see him again. He lives next door for fucks sake, he's your fucking best friend. You will see him before breakfast! I feel like shouting, I don't. I don't say anything.
Words are pointless and I don't speak unless I have to. I'm not angry with her anymore, I'm not angry about anything. Anger is an emotion and it's been a long time since I've felt any of them. I don't cry anymore, I don't get angry and I don't laugh, I never smile. The only time I ever feel anything is when I'm onstage, but that could just be the drugs. Coke seems to counteract the anti depressants Coop feeds me for breakfast. Two months have built up a nice wall of emotionless fog that when I'm not fucking off my face has numbed me well.
I clap my hands when the group of people around me clap and wonder if maybe I should have listened to Cooper giving his speech. Jace is the father of my god babies after all. Doesn't matter I guess, blah blah blah fucking Big Man is awesome, blah blah it won't be the same with him bullshit.
I drop my fork and stare at the mutilated frosting, I can kinda make out two faces. One looks like a demon and one looks like a clown. Thank god neither look like my Isabel.
"Hey" a voice breaks my concentration and I look up.
"Hey Blondie, what's up?" I answer looking at her huge belly.
"Long night huh?" She tries to pull herself up onto a barstool without much luck.
"Here sweetie, let me help" I lift under her arms and guide her.
"Thanks, I feel like I've swallowed the fudging titanic" she blushes.
"Not long now" I pat her hand in sympathy.
"Six weeks give or take, the doctors say I should have a cesarean birth but I'm stubborn. I want to do it myself" she grumbles.
"I know, Iz told me. You do what the doctor tells you honey, those girls need their mother" I tell her firmly.
"Yes Jace" she rolls her eyes at me. "I know I can do it and that's why I need to ask a favour of you" she smiles at me already knowing I'll do anything she asks.
"Shoot" I shrug.
"I have a birthing class tomorrow, it's afternoon don't worry. Jay has to do very important lawyer stuff I won't pretend to understand, an oath or something so I need a stand in Daddy. Will you be my Daddy?" She asks through her long lashes.
"On one condition, you must only call me Daddy and nothing else and you buy me ice cream on the way home" I tell her.
"Technically that's two conditions" she laughs and my chest tightens, Beth has a beautiful laugh. "But I accept, appointment is at two and I promise to have you back for sound check"
"You've heard me right? Sweetie I don't need a sound check" I wink cocky.
"Fine by me, you can rub my feet instead" she giggles and yawns.
"Want me to take you home?" I ask hoping for an out.
"I wish, but no. I begged the old man to let me come out tonight, I'm not going to admit he was right" she grimaces.
"Well at least let me go get Isabel's office chair for you? This has got to be uncomfortable" I rub her back and shoulders and Beth moans in pleasure.
"When are you going to stop hitting on my woman? You need me to take him out the back sweetheart?" Jace comes and kisses his wife and rubs his hands over his daughters.
"Uh... never, have you seen the size of her titties?" I tease him.
"Yeah I have, she will have two hungry mouths to feed in a matter of weeks. They need to be, do I need to call Jess to give you the breastfeeding talk again?" He growls at me taking the bait, it's so easy to stir him up.
"That's really not necessary, just make sure you are worshiping this heavenly creature like she deserves or I will. Belly and all she is fucking beautiful" I squeeze her shoulders and kiss her head. "She's also tired, put her to bed" I wink at Beth before leaving out the back door to light a joint.
It's so fucking cold out that my breath fogs the air and my fingers shake, I should have snuck into the green room. The door creaks behind me and light floods the parking lot for a brief second, I turn to see Izzy has followed me out.
"Go back inside honey it's freezing" I frown at her.
"It's not so bad" she lies hiding her hands in her armpits and hunching her shoulders.
"Ha! Your lips are already blue" I snort and take a large hit.
"Wanna share?" She asks standing too close to me.
I want to wrap my arms around her, I want to keep her warm.
"No, I don't. Go back inside Isabel" I step backwards.
"No. It's my bar and my parking lot, you can't make me" she tells me as stubborn and childish as ever.
"Oh for fucks sake" I groan and hold my joint between my lips as I wiggle out of my leather jacket. "You are such an ass" I tell her as I wrap it over her shoulders and she snuggles in with a smile.
I want to smile back, I don't.
"I love this jacket, you always wear this jacket" she smells the collar.
"Thanks, I won it" I grumble, she doesn't even care I'm only in a tee shirt without it does she?
"How do you win a jacket" her forehead gets this small crease between her brows thinking about it.
"I bet this guy I could last longer than him without losing my load" I shrug, she asked.
"Uh say what?"
"Dude had a nice jacket, and a hot girlfriend. I bet him I could last longer than him while Monica sucked his dick and his girl sucked mine. It was a hustle, no one can withstand Moni" I explain watching the way the smoke rises around me.
"And what if his girlfriend has skills of her own?" Iz laughs.
"I'm pretty good at blocking out things going on around me, if I won't want to feel it I don't. If it was that good.... well there are always other jackets" I shrug.
"Obviously it wasn't" she smirks.
"It never is" I sigh except with you gorgeous.
I finish my joint without sharing, I'll never smoke with her again.
"Cole are we okay?" She asks for the sixty second time since the last time we smoked together.
"Of course, now get inside" I lie for the sixty second time and shoo her up the stairs.
"You never smile with me, you never laugh. It feels like I've lost you... if I did something? I'm so sorry" she tells me and tears come to her eyes.
"I don't smile with anyone, I don't laugh. You can thank the pills you husband pumps into me, upside... I haven't tried to kill my self for weeks. And I'm sorry Isabel, you never had me" I step up in front of her when she turns on me.
Her hand lays flat on my chest stopping me from passing her. I almost shiver at the warmth, I almost pull her into my body.
"You know that's not true, we have... Had something special. I've hurt you and I don't know how, but it was never my intention. Just tell me what I did, I can fix this" she begs me.
"There's nothing to fix, I'm fine. We're fine" I sigh and I stare at her face with longing, I miss her.
"Whenever you're ready to tell me the truth I'll be here" she whispers and her hand softens on my chest, her other joins it and she hugs me around the ribs.
Her cheek presses into my side and I feel her warm breath. I look to the empty dark sky, I don't hug her back.
"Alright enough, you might not be cold but I am. Move it" I walk forward forcing her to move with me and she groans in frustration.
I don't let it bother me, I open the door and she can either walk on her own or sucker fished to my body. She doesn't let go. Sucker fished it is, Izzy's feet cover mine and I walk behind the bar with her stepping with me. It's almost funny, months ago I would have laughed. Not today.
"Dude you know a good doctor where I could get this removed?" I ask Coop who rolls his eyes seeing us walk in.
"Izzy leave him be" Coop smirks and hands me a beer.
"I'm waiting" she holds me tighter and pouts.
"You're waiting for nothing" I mutter and drink down half the beer.
"Bro, watch my beer? I need to piss" I say putting my half empty glass on the bar and turn for the men's room.
Izzy giggles but doesn't let go, I sigh and push through the door with her still attached. I'm prepared to see this through.
"Last chance?" I tell her holding open the stall. "Nope? Alright then. I'm warning you now my aim isn't perfect" I shrug and close the door behind me. "Maybe you wanna move to the side just a bit?" I offer and undo my zip, Izzy whimpers and squeezes her eyes shut tight.
"Jesus fucking Christ baby, he gets the point" Coop barges in behind me and pulls the infuriating tiny thing from off me and tosses her over his shoulder with a slap on the ass.
"No he doesn't. He needs to know I'll always be here" she tells him behind me but I try not to listen.
I get out my cock and do what I came here to do, I sigh in relief and ignore my...Cooper's girls gasp of shock.
The door bangs closed behind me and they are gone. I stay in here longer than necessary, fixing my hair and even wiping down the counter. I don't want to face her.
When I emerge it's thankfully time to leave. We pile in the back of Jace's truck for the last time, I'm not sure who is designated driver from now on but I'm sure as fuck not volunteering.
"You know your job will always be waiting for you Big Man, anytime you miss the short skirts and pretty smiles you can always come back" Iz leans on Beth's seat facing Jace as he drives.
"Oh honey that's good to know, what about if I just miss the customers?" He ruffles her hair making her smile.
"See? Who will flirt with me now? Your replacement is boring and no one else has the balls to piss off the boss" Iz pouts.
"I know honey, life's not fair. You could always just play with Cooper, close your eyes, pretend it's me" he chuckles cocky.
"There's always that" Coop indulges them and hugs his wife from behind pulling her back into her seat.
"What about Cole? He's fine with pissing off his brother" Beth offers but I don't bite.
I keep my head against the glass and watch the lights pass us by.
"I'm hoping one day he might feel playful again, right now he's put me in timeout. I am sure I deserve it, as long as he's happy I guess it's fine" Izzy's fingers brush my hair as she talks and my eyes close.
She thinks I look happy?
"Fucking hell woman, why won't you just believe me?" I mumble quietly and batt her hand away.
"I don't know Cole, maybe because you are colder than this fucking winter?" She sighs frustrated with me once again.
"Think maybe that's because you have my jacket honey?" I ask dryly.
"You want it? Ask for it, I'm right here. I'll take any words I can get" she snaps at me and now I sigh in frustration.
Not anger, I wish I was angry. Frustrated is the only thing I manage to feel.
"Everything is fine Isabel, I'm fine, we're fine, you can keep my jacket that's fine too" I say without energy because I'm tired of the same conversation.
"Thanks I will, and everything that's in the pockets" she says with a tilt of her chin and I freeze. "Sure you don't want to ask for it?" Iz asks knowing I will want it back.
"Touch it and we're so not okay" I close my eyes and almost feel something, I know I should feel panic.
"I don't think you'd care either way" Iz shrugs and looks out the window beside Cooper.
"Isabel Taylor" I growl.
"Bentley" Cooper frowns at me.
"I'm begging you, don't" I whisper and for the first time in months my heartbeat races in my chest and a sweat breaks out over my brow.
"You don't need to beg me, just ask for your jacket back" she turns to face me and her eyes see everything she is doing to me.
"Isabel.." I start.
"Nope, uh uh. You only call me that when you want space" Iz checks her nails frustrating me further.
"Izzy" I beg and she lifts a brow without saying a word.
I let out a breath, I can't let her do this.
"Iz, gorgeous. Please. I'm cold, May I please have my jacket?" I whisper without looking at her.
I don't want to be close with her, I can't be that guy. I can't love her anymore.
"Bug?" Her finger lifts my chin.
Her beautiful blue eyes are wet but smiling, her lips curled just a little as if though those little words of endearment mean something to her.
"Yeah?" I ask and my voice cracks, I clear my throat embarrassed.
"Are we okay?" She asks looking into my eyes.
I feel my breath quicken and become shallow, I can't breathe.
"Of course" I say automatically and she sighs in disappointment.
Izzy shrugs out of my jacket and hands it back without a word, her face drops into Coop's shoulder and he pats her hair. I hold onto my jacket tightly and fight the urge to check the pockets here and now. Cooper looks at me questioning and I feel his disappointment in me, that's nothing new, I've always been the disappointment.
The car pulls into Jace's garage and I'm edgy, impatient to get out. I kiss Beth on the hair before turning and she holds onto my arm.
"Tomorrow?" She asks quiet and worried.
"I'll be here, I promise" I tell her.
"Night Bentley" she smiles and I want to smile back, I don't.
"Jace, put these girls to bed already" I rub my thumb over Beth's cheek instead, her smile is bright enough for two.
"Now why didn't I think of that?" He mutters sarcastically and lifts his angel to his chest lovingly. "May I sweetheart?" He smiles down at her face.
"You certainly may" she giggles and I turn and leave through the roller door and cross the front lawn, I'm out.
I storm into the house and make my way to the kitchen pouring a glass of orange juice as I've been trained to do. I sit on the counter and wait, I don't have to wait long.
"What's going on tonight man? Why is she so stirred up?" Coop asks.
"Don't know man, today is just like any other" I shrug.
"Whatever it is, can't you just forgive her? Whatever she did... it hurts her to know it hurt you" he sighs and places a strong hand on my shoulder.
"What does your doctor say? Isn't your behaviour common among patients treated with this combination of head pills?" I say without interest.
"She says disassociation is a side effect of the anti depressants, that's its hard to feel positive emotions just as much as negative. She tells me I should remember that my positive relationships still have meaning, to hold onto them because I won't need these pills forever. In time I will feel joy again" he answers and places the sleeping pill in my hand.
"I don't remember joy, I remember pain. I remember your pain when you stopped me jumping. I'm pretty sure you will need these pills forever" I drop my eyes to the floor so I can't see the look on his face right now, he wanted to fix me.
"Maybe if you two try to work out what's bothering the two of you things will get better, you're holding onto the pain and you're placing the blame on her" he kisses my head and leaves without another word.
I swallow down the OJ and pop the sleeping pill in my pocket, I haven't taken them in weeks.
I get to the top of the stairs and unload the contents of my pockets onto the small side table Izzy set up beside my piano. Lighter, chewing gum, two joints.... fuck. I toss my jacket to the floor and storm back downstairs, I don't stop in the living room and go straight for the basement. I don't knock.
Isabel's back is to me and she is pulling a long pale pink silk nightgown over her head.
"Isabel" I say too harsh for her.
"Fuck Cole, heard of knocking?" Iz gasps turning to face me.
Her nipples are hard underneath and I've seen this nightie before right? It stops me in my tracks and I stare confused for just a moment trying to remember something on the edge of my memory.
"Cole?" Iz asks more gently and I snap out of it.
Coop comes from the bathroom with a frown on his face but I ignore him and grab Izzy too roughly by the face, I make her look at me and my breath comes too fast from flared nostrils. I feel anger, this is definitely anger.
"Look at me" I snarl holding open her eyelids with my free hand.
"Something wrong?" She asks unconcerned with my anger.
I check her pupils and up her nose for signs of use.
"Cole, let her go now" Coop growls at me but I don't spare him a glance.
"I swear to god woman, you better give it back"
"Or what? You will hate me? Stop talking to me? Or what Cole? What would be so different to the way you treat me now? Maybe you're not the only one hurting, what makes you so special?" Iz pushes me back I let her go shocked.
"I don't... I don't hate you" I stutter. "I'm special because I've got no one who would care. No one to give a shit, you do" I growl at her.
Izzy's hand whips across my face and her hands shove me backwards.
"Fuck you Cole! Get the fuck out of my room with your bullshit, you have no fucking clue. How many times do I have to tell you what you mean to me before you hear it? Is it getting close because I'm almost at my limit" Izzy shouts at me, her face is red and her eyes are furious.
I've never seen her so mad. I grab her hands and hold them behind her back putting us chest to chest.
"Where is it?" I say quiet and ice cold.
"Don't know what you're talking about" she keeps her eyes on mine and her whole body is trembling, I want to hold her, I want to make her feel better but I don't.
"Izzy please" I whisper closing my eyes and I drop my forehead to hers. "Please"
"You don't need it" she breathes.
"How would you know that? You don't know a thing about me" I shake with need.
"Of course I do, I know you better than anyone" her hands move to my chest and I step back as if she's burned me, she has.
"Forget it" I mutter and turn on my heal.
Stomping up the stairs I hear them whispering.
"Baby what did you take? Maybe you should give it back" Coop tells her gently.
"Just his weed, he doesn't need anymore tonight" she lies so smoothly, just like she lied to me.
I should tell him, he would take it off her. I don't. I know he would be just as angry at me. I don't even know if she's pregnant, I haven't asked and no one has shared any happy news with me. She wouldn't be so stupid, I hold tight to the thought she would never use cocaine if she was.
In my room I light a joint and pace, my fingers shake and sweat covers my brow. Why didn't I leave it here? Fuck! I smoke quickly then light another, I pop my sleeping pill knowing it will be a long night if I don't.
*****
I toss and turn, sleep is not happening. He hates me, like really hates me. I search my mind for what it is that I've done. I really don't know. I've asked Coop so many times what I said during the nightmare he witnessed the last time we hung out but he can't think of a thing that would explain his sudden attitude towards me. We were both stoned that night but everything was good, too good.
I remember the way he kissed me, the way he held me, he touched me in ways only a lover would. We were both very much enjoying the time alone, he stopped us before it went too far but it wasn't because he didn't want me. I fell asleep in his arms and we both were happy, I know he was happy.
He avoided me for two days, then just plain ignored me for weeks. No one else, just me. What the fuck did I do?! I need him back, I miss my brother. I miss his smile and I miss his laugh. We laughed so much that night, he was happy and that was a big deal after what he had been through. I have to fix this, I need to fix this.
"Baby girl, shh. Nothing can be done tonight, please relax" Coop stirs beside me and pulls me into his big warm body.
"Sorry lover, please go back to sleep" I whisper and nuzzle his neck breathing in the soothing scent of him.
"I'd love to, you know it doesn't work like that. Use me baby, breathe with me. Let my heartbeat slow yours" Coop croons lulling me into a more calmer state.
His hands rub my back and his lips rest on my hair, I feel his chest move slowly with his breath and I sigh.
"Damn you're good, I should marry you" I smile and kiss his collarbone.
"Maybe in the morning, I'm tired babe" he yawns and smiles too.
"Love" I breathe relaxing at last.
"Love" Coop mumbles and I close my eyes surrounded by his warmth.
My mind drifts and images flash through my mind, kisses and biting, yelling and slapping. My mind is a mess. I hear her laughing, she's always laughing. I groan and cover my ears to block the sound.
Coop jolts and lifts his head, I uncover my ears and hear screams. Cole.
"Damn it" Coop grumbles deep in his chest and sits up.
"No, it's me he's calling for. Let me, you just sleep sexy" I kiss Coop's lips and push him back down. He grumbles and moans but doesn't stop me.
I take the stairs slowly, one at a time second guessing if this is a good idea. He's never been so mad at me.
His voice is terrified and he calls my name over and over like he can't find me, does he miss me like I miss him? His door is open and I don't call out.
"Isabel?! Izzy no!" He yells and the sound hurts my ears.
"I'm here Bug, I'm right here" I whisper and brush his hair off his face, it's getting long and he hasn't shaved for weeks.
"Iz?" He groans and his hands reach for me.
I hold onto them and he cries out in relief, sobbing he pulls me down into his bed and strong arms and legs wrap around me. He's rough and the way he clings is painful but I don't let him go.
"Oh thank god, I got you now baby" he breathes.
"I'm fine Cole, I'm right here" I soothe him wrapping my arms around him.
"He won't hurt you honey" he mumbles.
"Who won't?" I whisper.
"He won't kill you too, I got you now" Cole sobs and his lips cover mine roughly.
His dad? He has nightmares of what his dad did to him? He's scared of losing me? He lost me by choice.
"Shh, I'll stay right here tonight. Please don't hate me tomorrow" I tell him rubbing circles into his back.
"Love you, never hate" he whispers. "Never"
"Love you too Bug" I tell him with my heart beating fast.
"I know this nightie" he mumbles and I wonder if I heard him right.
My nightie? Cooper gave this to me for my birthday... my birthday, does he remember?
"Sleep now" I kiss his jaw softly and close my eyes.