Audrey
The light was dim enough that I could look out the window and bask in the Seoul skyline. The city was dark, yet was full of life, lit by street lights and skyscrapers. Joon Soo sat across from me, his head resting on his hands as he stared at me.
"Thank you so much for today. I've had fun," I said to him. We were waiting for our food to arrive.
"Thank you for coming. I've loved spending the day with you. It's been great."
I smiled at him and he smiled back.
When we finished dinner, we exited the N Seoul Tower and began walking back to the car. The night had a cool breeze. Joon Soo could tell I was cold so he slipped off his jacket and put it around me. We had trouble parking earlier so there was a fare bit to walk.
Suddenly, Joon Soo's warm fingers weaved between mine and we came to a stop. I looked over at him and he at me.
I looked down at our entwined hands and then looked back at Joon Soo. "Why—" I began to say, but he silenced me by pressing his mouth to mine.
When he pulled back, he stared me in the eyes for a while before he said, "I like you Audrey Jones. I want us to start dating."
Tears welled in my eyes. "Oh Joon Soo, I would love nothing more—"
"What do we have here?" a voice cut me off.
We both turned around. My eyes locked on a familiar green pair of eyes. His blonde hair had grown out slightly and was just shy of his eyebrows. "Adam," I whispered.
"Adam?" Joon Soo asked. "Who's Adam? Do you know this guy, Audrey?"
"Moved on already?" Adam asked.
Tears welled in my eyes again, but this time not out of happiness. "What do you care?" I said in English.
"What's going on?" Joon Soo asked me, but I didn't reply.
"I thought you said you'd always love me."
"I thought you said I mattered to you," I spat back at Adam.
He started laughing.
"Audrey what's happening?" Joon Soo asked me. "Who is this person?"
"She never told you about me?" Adam asked in Korean.
Since when did Adam speak Korean?
"No," Joon Soo said.
"I'm her ex-boyfriend. Her first love. The first person she had sex with. The person she can never let go. The person who knocked her—"
"That's enough, Adam!" I shouted, tears spilling out of my eyes.
His gaze snapped back to me as he cocked his head to the side. "So you're dating a guy without telling him your little secret? How would Joon Soo feel about what we did? About what happened to you? About what you did after that?"
"Don't. Please." How did Adam know Joon Soo's name?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Joon Soo, let me tell you about Audrey's little secret. The real reason we broke up," he said again in Korean. "Do you know what happens when two people get intimate but don't use protection?"
Beep. Beep. Beep.
"Adam no!" I couldn't let Joon Soo hear this from Adam's mouth. It was something I have to tell him. What if Joon Soo hated me for this? What if he hated the idea of what happened? What if he couldn't live with that? Would he leave me?
Beep. Beep. Beep.
My eyes flew open and I sat up in bed, panting. The room was bright and Hye Ri rolled over, throwing a pillow at me.
"Shut that thing up!" she groaned.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
I looked around, still dazed about my nightmare, until I realised my alarm clock was the source of the noise. I silenced it and got out of bed, hurrying into the shower.
I slipped off my clothes and climbed in, enjoying the feeling of the warm water down my back. No matter how much I tried to forget my nightmare, it was still vivid in my mind. When would be the right time to tell Joon Soo about that incident? Should I tell him about Adam? Would he want to know? Would he care? What would happen if he knew why we broke up?
*
Joon Soo was already pulled up and waiting when I reached the front of campus. At the sight of me approaching, he turned off his car and got out, opening the boot for my picnic basket. I loaded the boot with my belongings, and Joon Soo closed it after me.
"You look nice today," he said.
My cheeks warmed up. Little did he know I spent half an hour trying on all my clothing to find the right one to wear. Hye Ri was bored out of her mind by the end of it and told me anything would do. However, ultimately my efforts had paid off as Joon Soo had noticed. Or... would he have said it anyone? "Thank you," I mumbled.
He opened the passenger door for me and I climbed in. Joon Soo ran around to the passenger side and we took off.
"I figured we won't spend the whole day with the cherry blossoms because it will get boring after a while. So maybe we could do something else after? If you're not busy that is," he said as we drove.
"Sure. That sounds great. What did you have in mind?"
"Maybe we could wander around a shopping complex for a bit, get dinner, and then go ice skating?"
I smiled at him. "You've put a bit of thought into this."
He turned his head away from me and his hands fidgeted on the wheel. "Yeah well... I wanted us to have fun and I wanted to make it up to you for causing this fight."
Why was he going out of his way to do this, though? Normal friends don't go to these lengths. Joon Soo, do you like me? I wanted to ask, but I didn't.
*
We pulled up at the park and I immediately climbed out of the car, running closer to the park entrance to get a closer look.
"Wow!" I exclaimed. "Yeppeuda!"
"It is, isn't it?" Joon Soo asked as he came up next to me, holding the basket and picnic blanket.
I looked down and then back up at him with a sheepish smile. "Sorry. I should have grabbed those."
He shook his head. "I wouldn't have let you carry them anyway. Besides, you've never seen this before. I don't blame you for getting excited."
I was bouncing on my heels now. "Can we go in?"
"Of course."
We walked a long way down the track through most of the park. Lining the walkways were these large trees, blooming pink flowers. The petals were falling down with the breeze. I put my hand out and caught one in my hand.
After a long walk without saying much, Joon Soo asked if we should take a seat and set up the picnic. I agreed and we found a clear patch of grass under a tree. He threw out the blanket and placed the basket on top.
"Want me to take a picture?" he asked.
I nodded eagerly, and handed out my phone.
"Move over slightly. A little more. Smile. I'll take one more in case it's blurry. Yeppeuda!"
He handed me back the phone and I had a look. "Great! Thank you."
"No problem."
"Excuse me," someone said from behind us.
We turned to look at them. It was an elderly couple.
"Would you like us to take a picture of you? I think a couple photo would be much nicer."
"Oh, we're not—" I started, but Joon Soo slipped his arm around my shoulders.
"That would be great, thank you," he said, pulling his phone out and handing it to the woman.
They took a couple of photos of us together and handed it back. The whole time my face was tinted a bright shade of pink... and if it didn't show, it certainly felt like it did.
We thanked the couple and they were on their way again. I sat down on the picnic blanket and tried to indiscreetly catch my breath. I wasn't used to feeling this way. With Adam, we had been together so long that I didn't get these feelings anymore. It was strange to feel flustered in someone's presence again. It was uncomfortable but, at the same time, refreshing to feel this way again. When Adam and I broke up I strongly believed no one would ever move me or make my heart race ever again, but I was wrong.
Unfortunately, Joon Soo could tell I was flustered. "Are you okay?"
"Never better," I replied, a few octaves too high.
His hand reached up to my face, pulling a piece of hair off my check and tucking it behind ear. "Sorry, it was annoying me."
My heart was going to explode if he didn't stop. To distract myself, I decided to open the picnic basket and started pulling out the side dishes. I grabbed out the chopsticks and handed a pair to him.
"Oh this looks delicious!"
"Meokja."
He took a bite of one side dish and his eyes widened. His chopsticks went in for another and he put it in his mouth. "Masisseoyo!"
"Gamsahamnida."
"How did you learn to cook Korean food so well?"
"I found a few recipes online and tried them back in Hoju. Hye Ri taught me more when I was here. We cook a bunch every weekend so that we are ready for the week, just so we don't live on rice and ramen every day."
"Ah, so that's how it was. What's your favourite food?"
"Definitely beef pancakes. I can't get enough of them."
"Me too! My eomeoni makes them nearly every day for breakfast."
"Every day? I could never do that."
"She doesn't work, so it's not too much for her. She prepares them the night before. So why did you choose to come to Korea?"
"You're asking a lot of questions. I'm going to count that as the first of the twenty questions."
"Already? Okay. Fair enough."
"I came to Korea because things weren't going well where I came from. I wasn't happy. I couldn't focus. Everything reminded me of what had happened. My grades started slipping so I went to go see the counsellor on campus and she advised that I complete my last semester abroad."
"So why Korea then?"
"Well it would have been easier if I went to the USA, Canada, or England, or somewhere they speak English, but I didn't want to go to a western country. People are too similar. They have similar ideologies, morals, ways of living... it was too similar to what I was used to and I was scared it wouldn't be enough of a difference to make me focus. So the only other language I knew was Korean and decided it would be perfect to come here."
"How and why did you learn Korean?"
"When I was younger I was really into anime. It was quite accessible and it aired on TV. But I missed some episodes of my show so I tried finding it online and from there I started watching more. Then in the comments section of one show I found out there was a Korean live action. So I watched that and really enjoyed the style and started watching more. I found myself learning a few words here and there so I took a class once a week whilst I was in my first and second years of university. I didn't know enough to move here though. It was when I decided to come here at the end of my second year that I knew I had to learn as much as I could. So over the summer holidays I was taking intensive Korean classes, practicing all the time, and then I came here."
Joon Soo was still staring at me when I finished talking. The world around us grew more and more silent as he didn't say anything. I could feel my cheeks growing red under his gaze.
"I'm glad you did come," he finally said, but this didn't help.
My cheeks got even warmer and my heartbeat quickened. I looked at my lap. We had finished eating now, so I began packing the empty containers away to distract myself.
"Why literature?" he asked.
His next question made me feel as though I could finally breathe. "Ever since I was young, I found I had closer friends in books than in real life. I devoured novels. You would barely ever see me without my nose in a book. But then I grew up. I made friends. Got sucked into the normal life. Then they asked us to pick a career pathway and I couldn't think what I was good at. All I really knew how to do was read. Apparently that's kind of a job, so I decided to go with that."
"So what do you want to do with your life?"
I laughed. "Who knows, really? At first I thought I wanted to be an editor. I wanted to read all day and edit books. But, whilst studying I took some creative writing classes. I enjoyed inventing characters, getting to know them, and finding out how their stories go. So maybe a writer? I'm not sure to be honest. I'm hoping I'll realise soon."
He nodded. "Who was your best friend back in Hoju?"
"Best friend? I didn't really have one. I never really had a best friend. I mean, I was close with my parents, but people came and went so often."
"Are you still in contact with anyone?"
I hesitated before answering. I was scared of where this conversation was leading now. "No. I cut off contact when I left."
"Did anyone call you by a nickname?"
Relief. He didn't go where I thought he would. He wasn't going to ask about that past. "Yeah, my dad always called me Dee."
"Dee?"
"When I was little I found it impossible to say my name so I called myself Dee."
He smiled. "I like it."
I blushed and looked at my lap again.
"What are your parents like?"
"Annoying. But great. My dad is a worry wart who hovers over me a lot. He needs the attention. Which is good at times. My mum is quite adventurous. She likes to go out a lot. She travels a lot."
"You mentioned that you didn't live with them for a while. When did you move out of their home?"
"Well I lived with my dad before and after I moved out of home. I probably left when I was 19."
"Lived with your dad? Are your parents separated?"
I nodded. "They separated when I was in my first year of university. They kept fighting all the time. Mum hated staying at home being the at home wife. She wanted to explore the world. Dad hated going out. They kept fighting all the time, so they decided to get divorced. My mum now lives with her boyfriend who travels a lot for his job, so it works out well. I stayed with my dad."
"I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and went quiet for a while.
I picked up a couple of petals and started playing with them whilst we both stayed silent. I hated talking about my parents' separation. I rarely ever did. Adam didn't like me being a downer. But it felt good to talk about it. It felt like a weight had lifted off my chest. Even if Joon Soo would never understand how it felt, I was glad he knew. I was glad he asked. I was glad he listened.
"Do you have a boyfriend back in Hoju?" he interrupted the silence.
A knot grew in my throat as I shook my head. "I did."
"How long were you together?"
"About two years."
"What was his name?"
"Adam."
"How did you meet?"
"We were in the same classes in high school."
"How long ago did you break up?"
"Two weeks before last semester ended."
"Is that why you moved here?"
"Partly. It was also difficult living with my father after my parents' separation. Also I didn't have many friends after Adam and I broke up. Somehow they believed it was my fault."
"Why did you break up?"
"We were... we became different people. Or at least, he was different. He wasn't the guy I met anymore. I felt like I lost a part of myself trying to match the person he wanted me to be. I wasn't happy anymore. We grew apart I guess, so I ended it."
"Was that the only reason?"
No, but I couldn't tell him. "Pass," I said.
He went quiet.
Admittedly, I was scared. I wanted to know what was going through his mind. I wanted to know why he asked. I wanted to know what he thought about the fact I had dated someone. About the fact I passed on answering that question. What if he thought I did something bad? What if he assumed it was something other than what happened? What if he thought ill of me?
"Is there someone..." he mumbled quietly, then cleared his throat. He looked me in the eyes when he spoke again, more loudly this time. "Is there someone that you've met in Korea that you like?"
My heart thudded in my chest. It got louder and louder as time passed. It was a cool day, but somehow it felt really hot. "Yes."
"Who?"
You, I thought.
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