I wipe away the tears as they fall while packing my bags. I'm not even folding any clothes; just throwing them inside the suitcase as I grab each item. It's pretty early in the morning, so no one should be awake. I want to leave unnoticed because if everyone knows that I'm cutting the trip short, it'll just cause problems. Especially with Jordan. All last night he sent me messages, asking me if I was okay. I replied that I was okay, just tired and that I would see him tomorrow, which is today, but that was a lie.
"Leaving early?" I turn around abruptly to see Jake standing in the doorway, hurt clear on his face.
I look down, ashamed before looking back up at him. "I wanted to tell you, but-"
He holds a hand up, cutting me off. "When did you become so selfish? We used to be best friends. We would tell each other everything and now you act like you barely have time for me or Alyssa. Abby, I can understand why you might be leaving, but not telling me you're leaving? That hurts."
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing will come out. He's right and I know if it were me in his place, I would be upset. I wipe under my eyes, the tears still falling without my permission.
His face contorts into sympathy and he walks over to me, pulling me into his arms. He's still a better best friend than I'll ever be. Despite being angry with me, he still cares about me.
"It's going to be okay." He says, holding me close.
"I've made my mind up, so why does it hurt so much?" I cry.
"Are you absolutely sure this is what you want to do?" He asks, pulling away from me to look me in the eyes.
I think about it for a moment and that uncertainty comes back. I have something good with Shawn and Jordan is just my high school love that didn't work out. My heart feels like it's in a tug of war right now. I'm sure I'm only feeling like this because Shawn isn't here and Jordan is. I've got to get out of this place.
"It's Shawn. I love him." I say, uncertainty still in my voice.
He eyes me skeptically, "Abby, you don't have to rush a decision like this. You're getting married and that's not something to change your mind about last minute."
"I know what I want." I say more firmly this time.
"And Jordan?" He questions.
"I have to tell him. He deserves to know." I'm dreading this conversation because I know I'll just end up crying more. Jordan will try to sway my decision, but I have to stand my ground.
"Well, I guess the next time I'll see you will be at the wedding rehearsal." He looks sad and I wish I could just make everyone happy right now.
I grab his hand, "I promise, next trip I won't bail. Things are just complicated right now and I can't be here."
He nods his head, understanding. "Do what you have to do, Abby Wabby."
I smile a little before embracing him in a hug. This reminds me of when we both were standing outside of my house, hugging each other before we left to go off to college. We cried and didn't want to let each other go. I did the same thing with Alyssa and it was hard to get me into the car because I didn't want to leave my two best friends.
"Thanks, Jake. I love you." I say, barely above a whisper.
"I love you, too." He kisses the top of my head before leaving out of my room.
I sigh before packing the rest of my things up. Once I'm done with packing, I call the place that's supposed to have my car here soon. I rented a car because I didn't come here on mine. They tell me they're on the way and that they should be here any minute. Now, time to go face Jordan.
I go down the stairs where I find Jake, Alyssa, Troy, and Ryan sitting around in the living room. Ryan and Troy are giving me an encouraging look, most likely knowing about what I'm about to do. I'm about to go break their best friend's heart and it's probably the hardest thing I'll ever do in my whole entire life.
Alyssa stands up, coming over to me and hugging me. "God, I should have spent more time with you."
A tear falls and I wipe it away quickly. "I haven't exactly been here all that long. Most of the time was spent hiding in this cabin." I try to laugh, but it comes out weak and sad.
"You be strong, beautiful. Things will work out. You'll see." She wipes under my eyes before hugging me again. I hug her tight before we release each other. She gives me an encouraging smile and I try to smile back, but it isn't happening. I can't even fake a smile right now.
I walk out the door and the closer I get to the cabin, the heavier my feet feel. I'm trying to think about what I should say, but all I can think about is all the good and bad times I've had with Jordan.
Flashback
"Abby, remember this song?" Jordan asks, turning up the radio.
The familiar beat to the Good Life by OneRepublic comes on and a smile slowly creeps onto my face.
"Yeah, every time I hear this song I think about us singing it horribly in your car." I laugh.
"I don't know what you're talking about. I killed it." He smirks.
"Yeah, you killed it alright. It's dead and not coming back alive." I joke.
He lunges towards me before pinning me down against his bed and tickling me. "Jordan, stop!" I laugh, wishing he didn't have my arms pinned above my head.
"Say please?" He smiles.
"Please!" I laugh, desperate for him to stop.
He stops tickling me and just stares at me, smiling. My laughing slowly dies down and I end up looking up at him while smiling. He releases my arms before placing his arms on the side of me and leaning down to kiss me. I welcome the kiss, loving the way his lips feel against mine.
"Abigail Monroe," I roll my eyes at him calling me by my full name, "I love you. Forever and always."
Hearing him say those words makes my heart swell. I know he means every word. I can see it in his eyes. I can tell by the way he kisses me that he means it. He has my heart and I don't think I want it back.
I laugh, "And I love you as well, Mr. Collins. Forever and always."
That brings a smile to his face and he goes back to kissing me.
End of flashback
I'm in the yard now, thinking about that one night at his house. It was a simple night, but it meant so much to me. To hear him say he'll love me forever and always made me fall that much more in love with him. We hadn't even slept together yet, but I knew he was the one for me. He was the one I wanted to give my everything to. My hand goes up to the door knob and it reminds me of the night before I went off to college.
Flashback
I sit in my car, the rain falling down hard just like my tears. We haven't even talked that much this summer. He's tried to call and he's sent a bunch of texts, but I was too heartbroken to respond. This is my last night in this town and will probably be the last time I'll ever see him. My heart is pounding in my chest, but it's the reason why I'm here. I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to him.
I open the door to my car, getting out and walking up to the house. The rain is falling down so hard that I'm already drenched. I can't even tell if I'm crying still or if it's just the rain.
I walk up to the door and I'm about to knock on the door, but I hesitate. Am I really ready to face Jordan? What if he doesn't want to see me? What if he's over me? It's been two months. I don't know what he's been up to during these two months.
I back away from the door and step to the side to look into the window. Maybe I should see if someone is home. I don't want to knock on the door and his mom answers instead of him. I look into the window, spotting Jordan instantly. He's sitting down at his kitchen table, his face in his hands. His shoulders are shaking and I can tell that he's crying. His hands fall from his face and I finally see how heart broken he looks. The sight causes my heart to ache because I caused this. Why didn't I check on him this summer? I was so caught up in crying myself to sleep every night that I forgot about the fact that he might be in pain too. That he might be going through the same thing I'm going through.
"Don't cry, Jordan." I whisper.
I want to go inside and tell him everything will be okay, but I can't. I'm leaving tomorrow and we won't see each other for a very long time. Seeing him now will just make things worse. I put my hand on the window glass, letting my head fall and welcoming the tears and pain.
"I love you." I choke out before running back to my car and leaving his house.
End of flashback
Not this time, Abby. You can do this. I twist the doorknob, entering into the cabin. I walk pass a mirror and I look at my appearance. My eyes are red and puffy like I expected them to be. Am I even in good condition to drive back?
"Troy, you back alre-" Jordan appears from the kitchen, stopping in the middle of his sentence when he sees me.
"Hey." I say, unsure of what to say.
"Hey." He responds.
It's quiet and I don't even know how to tell him I'm leaving. He's looking at me like he knows what I'm about to say. I can see it in his eyes. He's scared and so am I.
I swallow hard, "I'm leaving." My voice comes out shaky and low.
"Why?" He takes a step towards me and I know that this isn't going to be easy.
"Shawn-"
He laughs, cutting me off. "Shawn. Of course." He nods his head as if he should have known Shawn had something to do with it.
"I love him." I say.
"And you love me." He takes another step towards me.
"But I love him more." I respond.
"You're lying." He retorts, coming closer.
"I'm not. I chose him. We can't be together." I'm trying to sound confident, but I used all the confidence I had just to walk over here.
I hadn't realized I was backing up until my back hits a wall. He's in front of me now, a cool expression on his face. I expected him to be more upset about this. This cool thing is scaring me.
"If you love him more, tell me does he ever make your heart race like I do when we're in the same room? Does he ever make you smile and laugh like I do? Is he your happiness and sadness? Does he know the real you? Does he even know what you hate and love because I do. Abby, I know you better than anyone and I know for a fact that I know you better than Shawn. You don't love him like you love me. You still love me. I'm still the one for you." His hand goes to my face, his body now against mine.
He stares into my eyes and I can see the emotion in them. He means every word and I can't even think about Shawn right now. His left hand goes to my lower back, pulling me close to him. Our lips brush together and my whole body feels like it's on fire. Any common sense I had just went out the door.
"I love you, Abby." I close my eyes, each word tugging at my heart.
"Say you love me. Say I'm the one for you." He sounds broken and it's hurting me to do this to him. It's making my decision harder to make. I'm going back to feeling like I don't know what I want again. I need to end this right now.
I open my eyes, staring him firmly in the eyes. "I don't want you." I emphasize each word and his eyes potray the hurt he's feeling right now.
"But, you said." His voice cracks and I look away, not being able to look at him. My heart feels like a bag of bricks right now.
"I can't do this." My voice cracks too and I move away from him, trying to get out of the door.
He grabs my arm and pulls me back to him, connecting our lips. I'm taken by surprise, but my lips move in sync with his. I can't help, but sigh in satisfaction at the fact that we're kissing. My heart is racing right now and my body feels like it's on fire. This is everything I've been wanting. My hands go up to his hair, tugging at the roots. He moans into my mouth before lifting me up. I wrap my legs around his torso and he pushes me up against the wall for support. Our lips don't ever disconnect. My mind is only focused on this moment. That is until a knock comes at the door, bringing me back to my senses.
I push Jordan away from me and unwrap my legs from around his waist. He's staring at me and I'm staring at him. Both of us are breathing hard and wondering what the hell just happened. He tears his eyes away from me and looks towards the door before walking to the door to see who it is.
I suddenly start to panic. I kissed Jordan. I just cheated on Shawn. What the hell is wrong with me? I can't believe I just did that. I tug at my hair, the situation starting to weigh heavily on me. Jordan comes back in and rushes over to me, touching me. I jump back, glaring at him.
"Why in the hell did you kiss me?" I yell.
He looks confused for a moment before he narrows his eyes at me. "You kissed me back!"
"You shouldn't have kissed me. I just cheated on Shawn!" I'm freaking out right now and I don't know what to do.
"You cheated on him cause you still love me! Abby you started kissing me back as soon as our lips connected. I know you love me more than Shswn. Stop trying to convince yourself that you love him." He's pleading with his eyes, but I'm too upset to think about anything right now. I need to leave.
"I need to leave." I turn to leave again and he grabs my arm again.
I turn around quickly, "Don't you dare kiss me again!"
"I wasn't going to kiss you. The guy with your car just dropped the key off." He holds out the key and I take the key from him.
"Abby, please." He begs.
"I just need to be alone right now." I say.
He looks down before looking back up at me. "Stay right here, real quick. I need to give you something."
He runs up the stairs quickly and I wonder what he has to give me. I'm back to being confused and it's worse because I cheated on Shawn. I have to tell him. I don't want to go into a marriage with lies. If I'm even still getting married. Why is this so hard? I just want to scream.
Jordan comes back downstairs and comes over to me. He holds out his hand and I see the necklace that he had gotten me for spring break. My eyes begin to water and I just want to punch him for making this harder for me.
"You told me to hold it for you until we met again. I want you to have it so that you know that I'm still not giving up on us." I take the necklace from him and a tear falls down my face, but he wipes it away.
"I love you, Abby. I just want you to be happy and I know that you won't be happy with him."
"I have to go." I turn away from him, leaving out of the cabin. Things weren't supposed to go like this. Why can't I shake Jordan? I can't deny that I love him, but I also love Shawn. I'm supposed to marry Shawn. Be with him. Not Jordan. So why does everything feel wrong right now? Why do I feel like I shouldn't be leaving?
I grab my bags from the cabin with the help of Alyssa and Jake. We hug and say goodbye before I get into the car. I pull out of the parking lot of the place and head back to the main road. The drive will give me time to think and maybe by the time I get home, I'll have my mind made up.
On the way home, every song that plays seems to be mocking my current situation, so I turn off the radio and just decide to listen to the silence. But that's worse than listening to the radio because I'm left with my thoughts. I just wish I could go back to the time before all of this. I wouldn't be unsure of anything right now. If I choose Shawn, Jordan won't be in my life anymore. If I choose Jordan, I have to cancel a whole wedding and it'll hurt Shawn so much.
I finally get home and I spot Matt's car in the driveway. I rush out of the car, not even caring about my bags. I bust through the door, searching for him. He appears from the kitchen, looking much older because of the beard and mustache he now has.
"Woah, you look like shit." He smiles.
I let out a sad laugh, tears springing to my eyes. I rush over to him and he engulfs me in a hug. Matt has always been able to tell when something is wrong with me and right now, I need him more than ever.
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Sorry for the lack of updates. I swear I live such a busy life.