My heart is thundering as I rush into a nearby classroom and slam the door shut. Closing my eyes, I grip my chest frantically, feeling like I'm not getting enough air. The temperature increases immensely and my mind is a cacophony of noise and images.
How was I to explain the underwear? The bandages? If they don't figure me out, they'll surely come up with something equally as terrible to say about me. That bitch is always looking for a way to get back at me for 'taking Lane from her'. What do I do? Oh god, Lane is going to hate me for not telling him. Reed will hate me for lying to him. My parents will find out and really, truly hate me.
It's then that I begin hyperventilating, backing up into the chalkboard and wincing at the chalk ledge biting into my hip at the sudden impact. Am I going to have a heart attack? My heart is beating so fiercely I feel sick and dizzy. What is happening to me? Why can't I breathe, am I choking?
Suddenly, the classroom door swings open and in walks a teacher I don't really recognize with Carter and Lane close behind. "Ms. Carson!"
The man rushes over when he sees the state I'm in and it doesn't take much for him to coax me into a sitting position on the floor with my head between my knees. He makes me follow his breathing patterns until slowly, but surely my heart begins to slow and I'm able to suck in sufficient amounts of air.
"What the hell was that?" I moan, tilting my head back with my eyes closed.
"That was a panic attack," The teacher explains, looking at me oddly. "You should see the nurse, maybe call home."
I nod, feeling my heart sting when I remember I can't just go home.
"What happened, Reesy?" Lane says, eyes wide in shock as he brushes my hair behind my ear gently.
I shrug, looking to the teacher, and then to Carter who looks equally concerned, "I... I don't really know. I got mad at Noelle and stormed out and I think I just got too worked up."
Lies, lies and more lies.
"Let's get you to the nurse," The teacher interrupts, offering me a hand up, before telling Carter to give me a hand in case I get dizzy or light headed.
The four of us make our way down to the little office connected to the main office, where Nurse Amy has me sit on the bed to get looked at, but she just ends up giving me something for the nausea I feel and advises I call home if I don't well enough to go back to class.
The teacher who escorted us stays, telling me he'll wait to explain to my gym teacher what happened so I don't get given any trouble, but I wish he wasn't here so I could talk to the guys privately. Who, might I add, are staring at me like worried mother hens. Jeez, one panic attack and they act like I'm going to spontaneously combust.
"Guys," I say sharply. "I'm fine, seriously."
"You never have panic attacks, Reesecup." Lane insists, narrowing his eyes at me. "Something happened, and you're keeping it from us. Why?"
I groan, covering my face as I wish I could just disappear, "I don't want to talk about it right now, I'll just get all worked up again, and I'd like to not relive that."
Lane winces, so Carter sighs and sits next to me, "Do you want me to call your mom?"
I frown, hating the pain that lacerates my heart, "No. I can't go home... call Renè, maybe she can check me out of here for the day."
Suddenly, the teacher who's name I still don't know, speaks up, "Renè? Somers?"
Curious as to how this guy knows my friend, I shrug, "Maybe. Why?"
He frowns, and just shakes his head, gaze dropping as he seems deep in thought. I stare at him for a moment, waiting to see if he'd say something more, but when he gives nothing I just sigh and nod for Carter to make the call.
"Hey--uh, this is Carter," Carter says, looking awkward as he stutters out his answers. "N-No! I got it from Theresa--y-yes I know, but we're... I know, ma'am. N-No, look! My cousin here isn't feeling well and needs to be picked up, can you come get her?"
Lane looks confused at the odd conversation, but I have a feeling she's cussing him out for misgendering me, and for being a creep getting her number off me. She's like that, but I find it amusing. She's sassy and kind of a spit-fire and I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Er--she's coming," Carter finally says as he hangs up, his cheeks tinted pink as he looks away with a slight scowl. "Could have warned me she was a damn viper."
I smirk at that, "Where's the fun in that?"
**
The nurse had deemed me well enough to go wait in the office lounge for whoever was coming to sign me out, so we sit there--Lane glaring at any direction not facing me, and Carter too, but for some other reason unknown to me. The teacher didn't leave either, and when the bell rang, he had someone go fill in for him, saying he wanted to be sure I had a proper guardian picking me up, but the look on his face concerned me. Does he know René?
All of a sudden, the click of heels can be heard coming down the hall and I almost smile at how out of place she looks. The beautiful as ever René comes towards us with a tight, black leather skirt, a slightly sheer black lace top with a black leather jacket. Not to mention her signature high heels, although in the form of black booties to complete her bad bitch appearance.
"Darling, what happened?" She asks, frowning curiously at my seemingly fine appearance.
I open my mouth to speak, but Carter beats me to it, "Panic attack."
Her eyes lock on me, her lips pursing as she thinks it over until she sighs and turns to go talk to the secretary and get me signed out. As soon as she turns though, that teacher guy steps out, making her freeze and I notice immediately the way her whole body seems to go rigid.
"It is you," The teacher says quietly, frowning at the blonde.
She hardly bats an eye though, seeming to have snapped out of whatever state of mind had caused her to freeze up, "Your in my way. I'd like to sign the child out, if you don't mind."
"Please, can we talk?" He insists, not moving.
I can see the anger in the way René's left brow raises and her hands clench into fists that look like they could cause quite a bit of damage despite how dainty they appear. "No. Now move."
He sighs, but moves, letting her step by.
I debate asking, but think better of it, but Lane just can't help himself, "Dude, what did you do?"
The guy looks up at him, glaring slightly before walking away and down the hall. So much for sticking around to make sure I'm okay. But, honestly, I have to wonder what he did to anger her. It has to be pretty bad for her to give him such a cold response, barely acknowledging him and brushing him off so easily. That was a slap in the face if I ever saw one.
"Any money he's an ex," Carter mumbles.
"Who is she anyway?" Lane asks, looking confused.
I blink up at him, almost forgetting that he doesn't know about René. So much has been going on and now that I think about it, it's so messed up that the one person I've told everything to my whole life is the one person who has no idea what's going on with me anymore. The one person I'm keeping the most from. In a twisted way, even Reed knows more about me.
"C'mon pumpkin," René says as she steps back out, cocking her hip slightly as she looks be over. "You need food and Friends reruns."
I grin at that, standing to follow her, stopping to be hugged by Carter. When I turn to Lane, I can see the annoyance and sadness in his eyes. He's hurt, and it's my fault. He feels left in the dark and like everyone except him knows what's going on and I'm the one keeping it that way. I'm an ass, truly I am, but fear can make you make stupid choices like that.
Hoping he'll understand eventually, I give him a tight hug and say nothing more as I hurry after my blonde friend, glad that classes are in session so no one can see me and give me a hard time, and I can't find out if Noelle already--
"Theresa!" A voice shouts.
I turn, along with René to see Reed jogging down the hall after me. Frowning, I wait until he's in front of me and looking me over with concern. "I saw you bolt out of class, but coach wouldn't let anyone else leave after Lane and Carter ran out after you. Are you okay?"
Blushing, I shrug, "Uh, yeah. Just not feeling well. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe we can hang out soon, yeah?"
He smiles and agrees before giving me a small hug and a friendly nod at René before hurrying back to class.
"Was that him?" She says quietly as we sit outside at the bus stop, seeing as she didn't bring a vehicle, if she even has one.
I nod, sighing tiredly. "That would be him. Like I said, he doesn't have a clue Theo and I are the same person."
She frowns, but just wraps an arm around me to warm me in the chilly wet air as it's begun to drizzle. I'm thankful for the shelter of the bus stop, but my eyes glaze over as I stare at the droplets falling into a puddle in the street. I wish things could be simpler. I wish I was truly a boy so I wouldn't have to hide my identity from Reed, wouldn't have to keep secrets from Lane. Wouldn't have to always be at odds with my mother. Wouldn't absolutely detest my appearance.
"So, who was that guy?" I ask, breaking the silence.
A small bitter laugh escaped the blonde, "Someone who really hurt me in the past. I think that's all I want to say right now. Let's focus on one thing at a time, and I say you're first in line."
I glance at her, seeing that her face is stoic and indifferent, but there's a spark of sadness in her eyes that tells me that--like me--she's had her fair share of pain in her life; Been let down by people she trusted.
The bus pulled up soon after our conversation stopped, and I watched as she daintily dropped her change in the slot and went to take a seat on the bus. She sat without looking at anyone, staring down at her black, manicured nails. I wished I had her confidence, because while she doesn't care, I constantly fear someone is staring and judging me. Like they'll figure out my secrets.
Back at Rene's apartment, we kick off our shoes, my injured foot throbbing still. I limp over to the sofa and drop down with a heavy sigh, groaning as I fall over face first into a pillow. Rene just laughed at my outburst and lightly padded into the kitchen.
"I'm going to put on some tea, it's kind of cold in here. You can go find something more comfortable in my dresser, feel free to change in my room," She says, waving me off without looking up from her task.
Heaving myself up from the sofa, I limp across the room to the door I knew to be her bedroom and let myself in. The interior isn't exactly what I expected. I expected there to be dainty and classically feminine decor, but instead it seems rather neutral. The walls are brick, and the bed has one of those poufy white comforters and the furniture is all a pale sandy wood colour. Everything's sort of mismatched and disorganized, but it works and it definitely screamed Rene somehow.
I was quick to pull a regular tee out and a pair of pajama pants out, but as I pulled on the pajama pants, I caught sight of something odd. In one corner of the room, there's something covered up with a white sheet. Brows furrowed, I walk over and glance back to see if Rene's creeping up on me and when I hear her still moving about in the kitchen, I pull the sheet to see what lays beneath.
It's a mirror, and I suddenly feel like I'm understanding a part of Rene she doesn't normally show. The part of her that remains insecure despite the confidence she wears in front of everyone. I can suddenly imagine her standing where I am and staring at the things she hates about herself, and angrily throwing the sheet over her reflection.
I remove my top and stare at the way the lacy bra cups my breasts. I narrow my eyes at the irritating thing and go to remove it, but the second I pull at it to release the eye hooks, a sharp pain surges through my sides. A gasp escaped me as I dropped the garment and stared wide-eyed at the darkened bruises around my breasts, and just pressing them lightly makes me bite my cheek to stop from making a noise.
How am I to let these heal if I'm always having to wear a bra or those bandages? This isn't good, but who could I tell? I don't want Rene or Carter to make me stop binding, it's the only thing that makes me feel even remotely right.
I hear the sound of footsteps and quickly toss on the tee, keeping my eyes fixated on the mirror, glaring at the spot I know the bruises lay upon my skin--making me hate the body I live in even more.
Suddenly, Rene's face is behind me, looking at me in the mirror. I glance up and meet her gaze with my own before watching her switch to staring at her own reflection, an odd gleam in her eyes. After a moment she storms past me and gathers up the sheet only to toss it back over the mirror.
"Fuck 'em," She says, turning to me and somehow I knew she meant the reflections. "I think today calls for something a little harder than tea."
My eyes widen at her sudden shift in mood as she steers me out of the room, "I'm under-aged though."
"Have you drank before?"
"Well, yeah-"
"Are you going to tell anyone?"
"No-"
"Then, we don't have a problem," Rene says simply, pushing me gently towards the sofa and telling me to get Netflix on as she marched into the kitchen before coming back out holding a bottle of vodka in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other. "Pick your poison, sweetheart."
A/N
Sorry this is late, I've been busy and kind of struggling with inspiration. My trip to Toronto cleared that up though and I've finally found time to start writing again!
I've been working and doing social things (shocker seriously) and yeah, so forgive me haha Hopefully I can post my trip vlog soon, and I'll also be posting Theo more often along with Sarlie, LFIL and perhaps Obscure :)
~Shay<3