Chapter 5
(Picture of Ashton on the Side)
I sat staring out the window of the taxi. I had one leg up on the seat, my arms wrapped around my knee. I placed my head on my knee and sniffled. I was still upset. Actually, upset was the wrong word. I was heartbroken. I was crushed. I felt like absolute crap. It felt like Ashton all over again. Another tear slipped out and I quickly wiped it away.
He had just walked away. He walked out of my life and I couldn’t even stop him. He ignored my pleas and didn’t look back.
I took a shaky breath. I felt as if I was splitting in two. Like I was broken beyond repair.
That scene was permanently etched into my brain. When I closed my eyes it was all I saw. It was like a red hot iron brander, painful and scarring.
After James had left, Alex and I stood in the hallway for what seemed like hours. I cried my heart out into his shirt and stained it with my tears, and probably some snot as well. He tried to comfort me but it was impossible. He knew it too, but he tried.
Drew and my mom came back after a while. They had Devon with them. I didn’t fully hear the conversation they had with Alex. I just knew that they were talking, Alex probably telling them what happened. I wasn’t paying attention to what was happening. I was led down the hall and outside. I was helped into a taxi and we drove off.
I had been in the same sitting position ever since.
I stared at the lights outside, blurry due to my tears that kept slipping out. I wasn’t bawling anymore, like I was in the hallway with Alex. I was a little more held together than that, but just barely. Just by a single thread. I felt as if I could lose it any minute.
The driver was most likely concerned but I hadn’t even glanced in his direction. I couldn’t even look at my own family.
I knew they were sad too. They felt bad for me and I didn’t want to see the pity in their eyes. There was a good chance that my mom was almost as upset as I was. She didn’t like it when her kids fought. She was probably upset with James because she didn’t even get to ask him about joining us for dinner.
But she didn’t know how I felt. No one would fully understand. It was like there was no hope. Ashton had left me and he hardly said a word to me since. It seemed that James would be the same way because of the similarities of the situations. It was the only thing I knew that could result from a situation like that, abandonment.
I felt so alone. I mean, I knew I had my family on my side, they accepted me years ago. But without James I felt like my whole life had just taken a turn for the worst. Like I was lost, incomplete, searching for the acceptance I would never find. He would never look at me the same, if I ever even saw him again. He would never talk to me the same. He would never be the same. I would never be the same.
I wiped my eyes for the fiftieth time as I watched the scenery pass by.
I wondered what James was doing. I wondered where he went, what he was feeling, what he was thinking. I just wanted him to understand. I needed him to understand. We used to be best friends. I just needed that relationship back. I had a feeling that it wouldn’t come back and it scared me.
The car finally stopped. I picked my head up, actually trying to see what was in front of me for once instead of blankly staring. We were in a parking lot.
I placed my foot back down on the floor and looked towards the neon lighted building. It was a restaurant.
My breath hitched in my throat. Was he here? Had my mother told him to join us? It was possible. I hadn’t been paying attention to anything during the past half an hour. I felt myself getting closer towards the point of hyperventilation as my eyes frantically searched the surrounding area.
I didn’t want to see him again. At least not yet. The wounds were too fresh. As much as I wanted to James to come running back to me, I knew that it wasn’t going to happen in a matter of hours. He was an overprotective grudge holder and I wasn’t ready to be yelled at again.
My eyes wandered back to the inside of the cab. I looked next to me at Alex. He was watching me as I was starting to have a mental break down.
“Shhh. You’re fine,” He whispered, wrapping an arm around me for support. He must’ve seen the panic in my eyes. “No one’s been in contact with him. He’s doesn’t know we’re here.”
I leaned into his shoulder and instantly felt a little calmer by the news. I wasn’t going to be confronted again today.
I heard a door open and my eyes flickered toward the noise. My mom was getting out of the front seat. She was carrying a tired looking Devon.
I sat up and reached for the door handle.
The air was cool considering we were in Nevada. We all walked towards the restaurant after we had gotten out of the cab and it drove away. My mom led us inside.
We were greeted by a bubbly waitress. She was probably just excited that her shift was almost over. It was almost 8:30pm.
She escorted us to a booth near the middle of the building.
I sulked as I took an inside seat. Alex slid in next to me as Drew, Devon, and my mother sat across from us.
I looked up at the waitress as she asked what drinks we wanted. When she turned toward me I quickly looked away, kind of embarrassed of the mess that I currently was.
“I’ll have an iced tea,” It sounded like I was a chain smoker or something. My voice was raspy due to the lump that had made its home in my throat and wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon.
She left and I picked up my menu in a desperate attempt to avoid eye contact with my family. I knew they would want to talk and I wasn’t up for it.
I stared at the words and pictures not paying attention to what they were.
I heard my mother sigh. I looked up from the menu to glance at her.
“I think I’ll try calling James,” She spoke as she dug her phone out of her pocket.
I quickly looked back at the paper I was holding. The words got blurrier and my throat clenched.
No. No. No. No. No. What if he answered? What if she talked him in to coming here? I mentally began to become hysterical again.
He wouldn’t answer would he? He was probably off somewhere punching something, or angrily throwing furniture around his house, or something. He wouldn’t be near his phone. If he was the same person that I knew from when he still lived at home, then the last thing he would do was want to answer his phone. He could be a crazy, angry person when he wanted to be.
I felt like slipping under the table and hiding. I’d rather spend time with a gum covered table over my head, sitting in bits of uneaten food than here awkwardly with my family.
I heard the faint ringing noise of my mom calling him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then it stopped and there was a mumbling from the other line. I paused mid breath, suddenly a little scared. Cue the hyperventilation.
Mom sighed and I opened my eyes to look at her. She was hanging up. It was just the voice mail. I let out the breath I was holding.
“Well,” She put her phone away and picked up a menu. “Who else is hungry?”
Devon was sitting next to her. At the sound of food he sat up and started beating on her leg with his hands.
I couldn’t help but smile slightly. Devon was adorable.
The waitress came back not too long after and we gave her our orders. As she walked away, she looked back at us for a second before continuing.
Looking at the faces of my family, I understood why. We were a mess. I was puffy eyed and emotionally struggling, Drew had a few bruises that seemed to be slowly forming, and Alex’s face was definitely bruised and a little swollen along with a faded blood smear under his nose.
I suddenly felt guilty. I had caused them to get hurt. If only I had done things differently. If only I had planned out what I was going to say, if I was prepared.
I wiped my eyes as the tears formed again. This was all my fault. James had exiled himself from us because of me. He wasn’t here because of me.
The memory crept back into my mind.
“You already survived two years without me. I think you’ll be fine.”
Then I realized part of the reason it hurt so bad.
It was extremely similar to the way Ashton left me. They both left without a word, without a second glance, leaving me alone and emotional. I knew James hadn’t done it on purpose. I hadn’t told him about how Aston left me. James didn’t know that he had left in almost the same way.
Then the flashback began…
It had been a hard, long day of school. I wasn’t able to focus on any of my classes that day due to the nervousness that I felt.
I walked out of my last class after the bell rang. Normally I would’ve been ecstatic that the day was over. Today…not so much.
I was going to tell him today.
I made my way down the crowded hall and toward my locker. With every step, the feeling in my stomach got worse. I felt like I was going to throw up. My brain was running a million miles a minute.
I made my way through the crowd of noisy highschoolers. Opening my locker, I slowly placed my books inside. I took a deep breath and looked on the mirror. My skin looked pale, my eyes were filled with fear.
I don’t remember how long I stood there for. I prayed and trying to build up some courage.
I broke out of my daze and looked down the hall. It was slowly thinning out as all the kids made their way to the buses and the parking lot.
I closed my locker and swallowed nervously. Maybe he wouldn’t be waiting for me. Maybe he already left.
Forcing my feet to move, I made my way through the building. I turned the corner slowly and my heart sank. He was still there. The nauseous feeling got stronger as I slowly made my way down the hall.
He was leaning against the lockers in his T shirt and baggy shorts, already dressed for basketball practice. His phone was in his hands and he was looking down at it.
As I got closer he must’ve heard me. He picked his head up and looked at me, his blue eyes meeting mine. A smirk spread across his face.
He placed his phone in his pocket and made his way towards me, ruffling his blonde hair.
I was suddenly extremely uncomfortable. I wanted to be anywhere but here. Any situation but this one. Would it be better to turn and run or would it make me want to puke even more?
As we met in the hall, he pulled me in for a hug. I closed my eyes. My heart was beating extremely fast, to a point where I wasn’t even sure that it was healthy.
“Hey Mad,” He mumbled as he kissed my hair. “I was just about to text you.”
I swallowed nervously as the hug broke apart. “Yeah, um… class just got out a little late.”
I started playing with my hair. It instantly became the most entertaining thing in the world.
Ashton grabbed my shoulders. “You alright?”
I quickly glanced at him before my eyes wandered off again. “I-I’m fine.” I nodded.
He didn’t fully believe me. His eyebrows furrowed and he stared down at me. I tried to ignore it.
“Maddie, are you sure?” He questioned. “You look… kinda nervous.”
I took a shaky breathe and forced myself to make eye contact.
“I just…” I couldn’t do it. It was too hard.
“Hey,” He laughed, slightly concerned. “You’re not breaking up with me right?”
I smiled a little. “No, of course not.”
“Well, what’s up?” He searched my face curiously.
My breath hitched in my throat. Now what?
He grabbed my hands. “Did something happen?”
I nodded, looking down. How did anyone ever get through a situation like this?
“We can talk about it if you want. Practice doesn’t start for another 10 minutes.”
He was willing to talk through my problems with me. That was a good sign… Right?
I took a deep breath. “Well um…” II felt myself starting to sweat.
Ashton was still watching me questioningly, urging me to continue.
“R-remember that one party?” I met his gaze again. I was trying to remember what my mom hold told me the previous night, the advice she had given me.
He smiled. “The one you went to with me?”
I nodded.
His smile faded. “Did… did something happen there?”
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I looked away.
Ashton’s hand went to my chin, lifting it up. “Maddie what happened? Did someone hurt you? Who was it? Are you okay?”
I felt the need to gasp for air as I began panicking. This was it.
His gaze hardened. “…Maddie.”
I suddenly wished that I could dissaperate.
“Well… I-I,” My eyes began to fill with tears.
“Hey! Hey it’s fine,” He pulled me into his chest as he tried to soothe me and calm me down. “It’s alright you can tell me.”
“Ashton,” I took another shaky breath. “…I’m p-pregnant.”
I felt him freeze and suddenly got the urge to bawl my eyes out.
Then he let go to look at me.
I wanted so badly to stay in his arms at that moment. So badly to hide from his sight.
His face wore a confused expression. “What?”
I felt like his eyes were staring into my soul.
I couldn’t speak. The lump forming in my throat threatened to distort my words. I looked into his blue eyes and remained silent. My hands fell to my abdomen and I felt a tear fall.
I watched as Ashton’s gaze followed my hands. He took a step back and ran a hand through his hair. His eyes were wide and he seemed to be searching for something to say. Then he brought his hands to his face and he let out the breath he had been holding.
“Ash…I,” I didn’t know what to say to him.
He just looked at me with disbelief and took another step back.
“I,” He cleared his throat. “I…I gotta go.”
My heart sunk even further. “What?” My voice was a whisper.
I watched as he turned and began to retreat down the hallway.
“Aston?” I called nervously.
He just kept going. I was unsure of what to do.
“Ashton! Wait!” My panicking got worse. His reaction terrified me. “Ashton!!!”
He didn’t turn around. He just kept walking, getting farther and farther away, ignoring me, leaving me alone. That only caused me to become even more emotional…
I was slowly brought back to reality. I looked around and was aware that my family was staring at me. Then I noticed the waterfalls that were coming out of my eyes and how my breathing was coming in short gasps.
I didn’t enjoy being the center for attention on a normal day. And especially not when I wasn’t in the mood to be around people.
I awkwardly looked away and felt the need to cower into the corner. I felt like an idiot. I was in the middle of a restaurant, reliving painful memories of the past, and bawling my eyes out.
I glanced at Drew, who was sitting across from me. He looked hesitant about what was happening.
“Maddie,” He spoke quietly as my eyes met his.
I looked away quickly, embarrassed. “I’m fine.” I tried to sound reassuring as I forced words out of my mouth. “I just… bad memories.”
I wiped the tears away and received sympathetic looks.
Then a perky voice spoke. “Alright,” The waitress made her way towards our table carrying trays of food. “Who ordered the wrap?”
She placed the food in front of us and left us to enjoy our meal.
I slowly ate my soup. I wasn’t super hungry but decided that I needed something.
I watched Devon as Drew shared a few bites of his chicken with him. Devon ate it happily. He grabbed a couple more pieces off of Drew’s plate and smiled.
“You like it?” Drew laughed.
Devon nodded excitedly as he crammed the food into his mouth. Then he turned to look at what my mom was eating. He pretty much climbed on top of her.
“Here,” She smiled. “Try this.” She cut off a piece of potato and handed it to him.
Devon clenched his hand shut, squishing the food. He looked down in confusion when he opened his fist. He played with it a little before eating it off his hand.
I ate another spoonful of my soup. I felt something touch my foot and looked down. Devon was on the floor looking up at me.
“Hi Dev,” I smiled at him. I couldn’t imagine what I looked like to him.
“Moooommy!” He climbed up onto the bench and sat on my lap.
He looked up at me with his blue eyes. They looked just like Ashton’s. I mentally slapped myself. I needed to stop thinking about him. I thought I had removed him from my memory but every so often he came crawling back into it and I hated it.
“You want some soup?” I asked. He was at an age where he was eating more types of foods.
I grabbed a small spoonful. I didn’t want him to spill it all over himself. It would ruin his dinosaur shirt.
I fed him the soup and he made a face.
“What?” I laughed. Devon had a way of cheering me up with his silliness.
He just shook his head.
“You don’t like it?” I asked, taking a sip of my drink.
Devon just continued to shake his head as he crawled over to Alex to see what he had. When he looked at Alex, Alex made a face at him. Devon started laughing which caused Alex to laugh with him. Devon then grabbed a french fry off of his plate and tried to feed him.
Devon continued to sample our plates as we ate. Eventually he got tired and ended up back on my lap. He rested his head against my chest and yawned.
I pushed my empty bowl away and put my arms around him.
I loved him so much. Ever since he had entered my life, he had changed it. It was hard knowing that James hated him. He was just a baby. It wasn’t his fault. I sighed, my thoughts running back to my older brother again. Just when I had stopped thinking about him, he came right back into my mind.
We all hated Ashton. That was only expected. But to hate Devon? That seemed impossible and completely ridiculous.
I felt my eyes threaten to tear up again.
“So what are we doing tomorrow?” Drew asked my mom.
We were all pretty much done with are meals. The check had been delivered to our table.
“Well,” She began thoughtfully. “I’m still hoping to get a hold of your brother.”
Of course she was.
She dug out her wallet from her purse and grabbed some money to pay the bill.
Alex reached into his pocket and pulled his wallet out as well.
“What are you doing?” My mom questioned him.
“Well I can’t keep letting you pay for me for everything,” He laughed a little. “I’m not even a part of your family.”
“Nonsense!” My mother exclaimed. “You have been a part of this family even since before Devon was born. You don’t need to pay.”
“But-” Alex was cut off by my mom again.
He kept insisting to pay for his own meal but she kept turning him down. They argued about it for a few minutes. It was actually pretty funny. Eventually she gave up and decided to let Alex leave the money for the tip.
We left the restaurant and got a taxi back to the hotel. Alex had the money to pay the driver before my mom had even grabbed her purse off of the floor. She glared at him, not wanting to make a scene. Alex just smiled.
Once we all got back into our rooms, I quickly changed into my pajamas. It was already after 10:00 pm. I crawled into bed and curled up in the blankets. Everyone else was still up and the lights were still on.
I stared blankly at the TV screen. I wasn’t even watching the show. My mind was repeating today’s events and thinking about what was to come. I let my mind wander.
Then Devon climbed up on the bed, pulling me out of the daze I was in. He had on his monkey footie pajamas and looked extremely tired.
My mother came out of the bathroom. She went over to the table and grabbed her phone.
“I’ll be right back,” She told me. “I’m going to try calling again.”
I just nodded without even looking at her. She refused to except that James didn’t want to talk to her. She figured that if she called enough then eventually he’d answer.
She left the room ad went into the hall, closing the door behind her.
I looked back toward the TV again.
Alex walked in through the adjoining doors.
“Hey,” He smiled at me as he sat on the edge of my bed. “Are you alright?”
I opened my mouth to tell him I was fine but stopped.
“No,” I laughed as I felt myself wanting to cry again. I felt ridiculous.
“Well it could’ve been worse.”
“How?” I asked disbelievingly.
He smiled. “I could be wearing a really hideous hospital gown right now.”
“They’re not that bad,” I laughed. I had been in those many times during my hospital visits.
“No, they’re pretty bad.” Alex shook his head.
I looked up at him. His cheek was still swollen and he looked like he had a black eye starting to form.
“I’m sorry he attacked you,” I said quietly.
“Maddie it’s not your fault. He does have one heck of an arm though.” Alex smiled.
“Well he has been punching things since he was, like, five,” I laughed.
“I’m just glad that I didn’t have to go three rounds in the ring with him. I don’t know how those guys do it. It must be brutal.” Alex said as he ran a hand through his hair.
It was quiet for a few moments before I spoke up.
“Thank you for deciding to talk to me that one day,” I sat up.
He just smiled. “You’re welcome.”
I didn’t fully understand why he wanted to become my friend, but I’m sure glad he did. Everyone had left me after the first few weeks had past. The whole school knew I was pregnant and everyone seemed to… separate themselves from me.
My friends had become a little distant. They weren’t sure of what to do in the situation and I had kind of pushed them away. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. Ashton had left me forever. My family was in shock and upset with me.
Then there was Alex. I had never really had much of a conversation with him before that day. He seemed to have come out of nowhere. He had said that he wanted to help me. I thought that maybe he had had a crush on me. But it would be weird to have a crush on the pregnant girl, right? Wouldn’t that have stopped after he found out?
I told him what had happened with Ashton and how he hurt me. I told him about how I wasn’t ready to start thinking about boys again. He said that he understood but still seemed as willing to get to know me as before. So I had decided to talk to him. He just wanted to be my friend because he thought that I needed one and I was perfectly fine with that. He turned out to be a great person. He had pretty much become my best friend over the years.
Suddenly the door to the room opened and my mom walked back in.
“No luck,” She said, shutting the door behind her. “I grabbed some ice though.” She held up a few small bags.
She handed one to Alex and he thanked her.
Seeing the ice made me remember that I had been hit in the shoulder while trying to pull my brothers apart. It seemed a little sore but I didn’t think ice would be necessary.
My mom walked into the other room, probably to give one to Drew.
Alex put the ice bag on his cheek and instantly looked relieved.
“That seems like it would be more painful than it looks,” I stated as I watched him ice his face.
“Have you ever been punched in the face by a boxer before?” He questioned, a smile tugging at his lips.
“Not exactly,” I laughed.
He chuckled and stood up. “Night Maddie.”
“Goodnight,” I replied as I watched him walk back to his room.
I got out of bed and grabbed the desk chair, placing it next to the bed again. Devon was already sound asleep. I removed the pillows on his side of the bed and covered him with a blanket. Then I walked back around to the other side of bed and crawled in again. I was getting tired as my mind wandered again.
Sometimes I wondered if Alex really did have a crush on me back in high school. If that was true, did that mean he still did now?
I didn’t think that any person would be able to hang around for that long knowing that their crush didn’t want to date anyone. It seemed ridiculous for someone to spend almost every day with a person even though they knew that they wouldn’t get a chance. Plus, how could you like someone when they were pregnant with someone else’s baby?
I decided that it was physically impossible for anyone to be able to deal with that kind of struggle.
I rolled over and tried to get comfortable. I had exhausted myself from crying pretty much all day. My puffy eyes needed a rest.
I yawned before closing my eyes and eventually falling asleep.