I spent the rest of the day with the social wellbeing officer. She was asking about my home life, how I was, what was bothering me. You know, blah blah, touchy feels.
I trust her. I don't know why. I know she is only paid to ask these questions and scribble down the answers on a clipboard. She just reminded me of someone, not sure who.
Throughout the day, people watched me from outside the office where we sat. They would look in through the window for a few seconds before being told to leave or making eye contact with me and realising they've been caught and running off.
The day went quickly. Probably because I'm so emotional I don't really remember any of it. The school social wellbeing officer had called Mike so that he knew I was with her the whole day and asking for me to get a lift home as I was "in no state to be surrounded by the settings and environment of the streets" right now.
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Of course if I got a lift, so did everybody else. I still don't want talk about it. I'm going to tell Ryan and maybe Mike or Mai Lee, but not like Carmen or Floss.
I was first out as the social wellbeing officer wanted me to beat the rush of people. I made my way to the minibus and sat in the seat behind Mike.
"You ok kiddo?"
"Better than I was."
"Good. I have a feeling things are going to start getting much better now."
"Me too"
"Have you spoken to Ryan?"
"Kind of but I was in a state."
"I heard about what happened yes. Well he has been extremely worried about you and has tried his best for you. Give him a chance"
I nodded and sat back in my seat. I looked out my window and saw the crowd of people flood out the school gates and though the car park. It wasn't long before the DG lot joined us on the bus.
"Are you ok?" Tee asked as she climbed onto the bus.
I nodded in response and gave her a quick smile which she instantly returned. Everybody else got onto the bus, Ryan sat next to me and held onto my hand.
The journey was silent, apart from when Carmen's phone rang, ironically her ringtone was 'happy' by Pharell Wiliiams.
Nobody in the bus is happy. Everybody is concerned foe me and quite frankly so am I. I'm changing. I don't want to but it seems I have not power over it, I can't control or stop it.
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I went straight up to my room and everybody else chatted with the twins and Floss and Harry and Finn. Basically everybody else was being sociable and I just went alone to the bedroom.
I tidied my hair and face and clothes because they were a massive mess and then tried to figure out how I'm going to explain myself to Ryan. Not that I don't want to I do, but I just don't know how to say it.
Before I had the words formed, he walked in. I stood up quickly and looked st him as he closed the door and came towards me.
"You ready?" He asked.
I took a deep breath and nodded my head. He took both my hands into his and readied himself to listen.
"I don't know how to say it other than things were piling up. You know, starting new wasn't easy, and school and I don't mix. I cannot get on with teachers and just seeing the similar corridors remind me of Emily and all the bullies. Then when the blonde from school started to do the same and everybody here was always asking questions I couldn't handle it."
"Why did you self harm?"
I closed my eyes to hold back tears. Tears of shame. I hate myself for hurting myself.
"I didn't know what else to do." I whispered as I began to cry. "I can't stand up to them, not yet. And I couldn't tell anyone, so I just took it out on myself..."
"Why couldn't you tell us?"
This was the hardest thing for me to admit. "I thought you'd start to hate me too"
He sighed and pulled me into him, hugging me tightly. "I can never, EVER hate you ok? I don't care what you do or what you say. If you're fine with it, so am I..."
"But I'm not fine with it!" I yelled, pulling away slightly, so that I'm still close to him. "I hate it! I hate how it hurts! I hate how it makes me feel! I hate what it makes people think of me, the looks they give me..."
"Not anymore. I won't let them..."
"You can't stop them..."
"I can handle people from school!"
"It's not just people from school though Ryan is it?!"
"What do you mean?"
"Bailey, Tee, Carmen, Sasha? Yesterday, I heard them all!"
"Well they are wrong. I know they are." He hugged me again and kissed my forehead before placing his chin on top of my head and just holding me as I cried onto him.
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Ryan's POV
I can't believe this. How did she hear us? I hope she knows I was defending her and not spreading rumours like at the others.
She was crying in my arms but then she suddenly went all limp in my arms! She was looking up at me in distress and shaking crazily.
"Mike!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. He soon came rushing in and helped me get Marie down on the floor.
She lay there shaking with her eyes open and tears pouring out of them. Mike was calling her name and getting to response from Marie. I'm scared for her. She is so helpless and clearly in pain or some form of vulnerability.
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I had hold of one of her hands, Mike had hold of the other. We had been calling her name for some time now and her breathing has started to become normal again. Phew.
Mike said she will need rest for the remainder of the evening when it's fully normal again. Basically meaning I'll have to leave her to sleep.
She began to nod off after her breathing was fully normal again so we picked her up and put her in her bed, duvet half on. The lights out and a glass of water on the side, we walked downstairs and left her to restore herself.
Mike made me come to his office and was basically getting me to tell him what happened with her.
"She was telling me why she has been so upset recently. She started crying so I gave her a hug but she then sort of fainted into me, which is when I called you."
"Thanks Ryan. This was another panic attack..."
"I know. She was really stressed before"
"Why has she been so upset recently?" He asked inquisitively.
I need to tell him, for her own good. But at the same time, she will hate me. I have to though. I care too much.
I took a deep breath before explaining to Mike.
"Being in school reminded her of the bullies she used to face. She also didn't get on well with the teachers or any of the other students at school today. It got so bad that she..."
"Ryan, if she has done something you need to tell me"
"She self harmed. Everybody here found out and we were talking about it and she heard us."
"What!?!"
"I managed to stop her but she has fresh scars on her wrists."
I feel so guilty for telling Mike but what choice do I have? If I didn't tell him it would carry on and she would end up bleeding to death or something.
"I'll have to have a long word with her about it. Thank you Ryan" he said, gesturing towards the office door.
I nodded my head and walked out to see Tee standing there awkwardly.
"What?!"
"You snitched on Marie" she whispered.
"It's none of your business" I said before walking off into the lounge. Now that Tee knows, I'll have to be very careful how I play my cards. If Marie found out, she would never forgive me. Specially after the incident with the song she wrote.
I sat on the sofa and watched whatever show the others were watching. Then Tee came in and closed both doors behind her. Oh no.
"Guys listen up, you need to hear this..." She started.
"What now?" Sighed Sasha.
"Well you know Marie cut herself..."
"Shut up!" I yelled. She didn't listen.
"Well Ryan told Mike so now, he is going to have to get involved with it all."
"What happened to care kids don't snitch?" Bailey asked.
"You don't understand..."
"I understand perfectly" Carmen spat.
"Look she had another panic attack, in my arms upstairs. If we don't help, she could bleed to death or have another panic attack" all their faces looked disbelieving. "Go look in our room if you don't believe me!"
To my surprise, everybody except Tyler and Jody and Harry left.
"I believe you" Harry stated.
"Thanks mate"
"Yeah, we know how much she means to you, I'm sure whatever you did, you did with good intentions" Tyler continued.
"Thanks guys"
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Marie's POV
I woke up when everybody randomly ran into my bedroom where I was in bed.
"What the hell do you think your doing?!" I yelled.
"Ryan said you had a panic attack...."
"Ryan was right now go away" I replied to Tee as I layer back down and shut my eyes.
I heard the shuffling of their feet as they all awkwardly left me to sleep.
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I had been sleeping for ages and when I woke up, I noticed that it's getting dark outside. It looked quite pretty, the sunset I mean.
"Oh, you're awake?" Ryan said, a bit shocked as he walked in.
"Yeah" I yawned as I sat up in bed.
He placed a plate that was covered with foil and a glass of juice down on the bedside table and sat next to me, on top of my duvet.
"Are you alright?"
"I've been better, but, I've been worse"
"Are you going to school tomorrow?"
"I have to unfortunately."
"Well I'll be there, I'll look after you" he said as he wrapped his arms round me.
"I just wish people understood me" I rested my head on his shoulder.
"I understand"
"Trust me, you have no clue"
"Then tell me"
"If you knew what's in my mind, you would be crying. I don't want to be a burden to your mind..."
"Marie on my mind you weigh the most. I'm always thinking of you. I can't help it."
I looked up at his face. He was staring down at me.
"I don't want to always be wrapped up in drama or always be the centre of attention you know. I try to avoid it actually. I get defensive around...people. Friends are just difficult."
"Well you've only just started. Your first impression was quite major..."
"I know. I didn't want to do that. It just happened."
"I liked it. And I love you, no matter what."
"Thanks Ryan, I love you too"
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A/N
Ok, it might seem like things are looking up, but I'm warning you now. This is the calm before the storm. I cried whilst writing chapter 10 which I will upload in a short while. Probably tonight if not tomorrow morning.
Love you all xxx