this may be a twisted and confusing chapter, but you'll understand as it goes on.
and oh, thanks for 100k reads!!
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Silence. Complete absence of sound.
Light. The natural agent that stimulates sight and makes things visible.
Comfort. A state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint.
Emptiness. The state of containing nothing.
That was all Ashton felt. It was all Ashton was, it was who he became all of a sudden. He felt good and he felt relaxed.
He breathed heavily in and out of his nose before furrowing his eyebrows slightly when feeling a quick pressure against his chest.
Ashton slowly opened his eyes but closed them immediately when the light around him shone so brightly it hurt his eyes. He threw an arm over his eyes to shield them as he sat up, surprised to feel so light in his body.
With slightly shaky legs, he stood up and squinted his eyes, looking around the painfully bright place before his eyes locked on one single door standing in the middle of nothing.
The darkly painted door was a complete contrast the the white surroundings, making Ashton furrow his eyebrows before making his way over to it. As soon as he took a step and his foot met the ground, a loud boom was heard, echoing for miles and miles.
He sped up his pace and walked over to the door, watching the scratches and visible damages on the lonely door that was standing in nothingness. Ashton licked his lips and furrows his eyebrows further as he walked past the door, seeing it wasn't attached to anything.
"What the fuck?" Ashton muttered before reaching for the handle and opened the door. As soon as the door was opened, Ashton stood still and looked through the doorway, lips slightly agape as all he saw was black.
He walked past the door again and still noticed it wasn't attached to anything, but as soon as the door was opened, it invited you into complete darkness.
Without thinking it through, Ashton walked through the door and into the darkness. A loud noise startled him from behind, making him turn his head and look at the closed door.
He walked over and pulled the handle down, but it was locked.
"Fuck" he cursed and tugged at the door, but it didn't budge.
"I can't do this John!" a voice echoed and soon the darkness around Ashton was lit up, making him see his surrounding.
The voice that had spoken made Ashton turn around, and as soon as he saw the woman in honey-blond hair and big blue eyes, his face dropped.
"Mom" Ashton breathed out as his face was numb in shock.
"I can't let you do this anymore! We have two sons, and I will not let them get hurt because of you"
"Anne, please," a male voice was heard before the spoken man entered the room, "You make it sound like I don't care. You know I care about our sons, they are my world"
"Dad?" Ashton whispered again and glance between those familiar faces at the other side of the room.
"Then please, I beg you to stop this. Dami will understand. He loves our boys, and he will understand that you want to keep your family safe" Anne spoke and looked at her husband with pleading eyes.
John sighed as he walked over and placed his hands on his wife's cheeks gently.
"Ashton is only three years old, John" Anne whispered.
"I know, baby. I know"
Ashton stood quietly in the corner of the room with a frown on his face. He slowly walked over to his parent as they hugged, and gently reached his hand out to place it on his father's shoulder, but his hand fell down hopelessly.
Ashton frowned and reached out for his father again, watching his hand go through like if they were some kind of hologram. Like if they were a movie playing and he was inside the screen.
"Mom?" he spoke up but got no reaction from either of his parents.
"Dad?" he said louder but his parents only kept talking to themselves. Like if he didn't exist.
"Mommy?" a small voice then said from the doorway, and Ashton tensed up when knowing just who it was.
"Ashton," Anne spoke and smiled warmly, "Come here baby"
The 3 year old boy walk over to his mother and father with a bright smile on his face. The small boy raised his arms up to show Anne he wanted to be picked up.
His mother did as he wanted and both her and John held the 3 year old tightly when speaking in soft voices.
Ashton backed away from the family and ran his hands through his hair in confusion while keeping his eyes on himself and his parents.
He froze in his step when the 3 year old Ashton lifted his head from his mother's shoulder and locked eyes with himself. Even though Ashton was confused and freaked out, he didn't seem to be able to pull his gaze away from his 3 year old self.
Those similar big hazel-green eyes were so much brighter and happier than the ones he wore now. They were full of hopes and dreams, and Ashton wanted to run away and hide, but his young self kept him still.
"What are you looking at, baby?" Anne asked and looked at her 3 year old son with furrowed eyebrows.
The young boy had his eyes locked with the older for a few more seconds, before shrugging his shoulders and placed his head back on his mother's forehead.
"Promise me you'll talk to Dami" Anne whispered.
"I'll talk to him today" John spoke before the family stepped out of the room.
Ashton stood still in the corner of the room and breathed heavily before running a hand over his face repeatedly. This must be a dream. This must me some prank his mind was playing with him, but as much as he pinched his arm and tried to hurt himself, he didn't wake up.
Simply because he felt no pain.
And it couldn't be a dream, because the scene that had just been played out had happened for real. Ashton clearly remember that.
A creaking noise was heard from beside him, making him turn his head to see the previously locked door now slowly opening itself. He licked his lips and looked around his childhood home before walking to the door and entered darkness once again.
After a few seconds, sight appeared and Ashton stood pushed up against a wall as his father, mother, and Ty came storming through a hallway.
"What the fuck are you thinking with? I can't fucking take your kids, I won't do that!"
"Ty!" John exclaimed and turned to his brother, "This isn't forever, this is until we figure out a way to be safe. Until then, you'll take care of your nephews"
"Why the fuck would I ever do you any favors, huh? I have nothing to give back to you" Ty seethed.
"Have a little heart. Just for once, show that you are an actual human being" Anne spoke and looked at her brother-in-law with harsh eyes.
Ty chuckled and shook his head before looking at both parents, "If you don't come back, I won't keep those two safe. I won't care for them because every time I look them in the eyes, I'll see you, and that makes me want to kill them both"
"They are not me, Ty. They are their own human beings and they will grow up to live, whether you like it or not" John spoke before grabbing his wife's hand and dragged her out of the house. Ty followed, so Ashton did as well.
"So what? You're just gonna leave them here and then go? I don't fucking have time to take care of two children! I have work to do, work like the one you're running away from!" Ty spoke loudly as he exited the house and followed his brother out to the porch.
"Shut the fuck up Ty," John seethed and jabbed a finger into his brother's chest, "I'm trying to save my sons, and that's something you'll never understand"
"Whatever, just leave. But know that if you come back and your sons aren't here anymore, I'll be saying 'I told you so'" Ty spoke and gritted his teeth as his brother gave him a cold glare before running over to the car parked on the driveway.
At that moment Ashton knew just what this was. He knew just what day and just what time it was. He knew just the occasion and he knew just what was going to happen.
So that's why he closed his eyes shut and waited for the engine running, tires screeching, before that loud explosion was heard.
"Fuck," Ashton heard Ty breathe out beside him, "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"
When Ashton heard his uncle run off the porch and down to the driveway, he dared to open his eyes and bit his lip harshly when watching his parents car in several burning pieces.
He closed his eyes again and scrunched his face up as he tried to get away, but the screams from Ty and the burning flames made Ashton know he was still stuck in the same scene.
He turned around to face the door into the house, seeing it was now replaced by the dark and damaged door. Ashton reached out and tugged at the handle in a desperate attempt to get away as soon as possible, and after a few seconds, the door opened and let Ashton enter the empty darkness once again again.
He breathed heavily and shook his head in shock and frustration, his breaths shaking slightly as a new scene lit up like in the movies, and Ashton recognized his surroundings immediately. He glanced to his right and saw his 14 year old self sitting on the edge of the cliff, letting his feet dangle as he looked down.
"Ashton! Stop being such a bitch and get over here!" Seth called and both Ashton and his young self turned their heads to see Seth, Chase and Michael a bit further away.
"Fuck off, Seth" Ashton's young self answered and turned his head back to look down the cliff.
Ashton furrowed his eyebrows and slowly walked away from the 14 year old boy to get closer to the three other boys.
"Such a fucking mood killer" Seth muttered before taking a drag of the strong drugs he had been rolling up.
"What's up with him lately?" Chase asked and looked over at the boy further away before bringing his attention back to Seth.
"Who knows? He's such a fucking drama queen without causing a scene. He just need to be the center of attention and he needs to be recognized. He won't get far if he keep acting like Ty though" Seth scoffed.
"Are you sure Ty isn't his real dad?" Chase chuckled.
"I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case" Seth said and took another drag from the drugs as he looked at his brother further away.
Ashton stood and watched as the three boys got themselves propped up with all kinds of drugs. He knew just why his 14 year old self sat several feet away from the boys, and the thought made him bite his lip harshly.
"Maybe he's just thinking about what happened. There's nothing wrong with a bit of sorrow" Michael mumbled as he let an orange pill run between his fingers.
"Ashton and sorrow?" Seth asked and laughed, "Those two things doesn't go together. And you don't see me being a mood killer just because I've lost some people in my life. Not Chase and not you either, Michael"
Michael bit his lip and shrugged before going back to running the pill between his fingers again. He glanced up and looked at his friend by the cliff.
"I thought this would make his troubles go away, that's why I took you all here. But because he's being such a bitch-" Seth spoke the last words louder for Ashton to hear, "-he won't get any help from me"
"I said fuck off, Seth" Ashton called from the cliff.
"And I said that you're a bitch, Ashton" Seth answered with a smirk, making Ashton see the affect the drugs did to him.
14 year old Ashton stood up from his seat and walked over to his older brother with gritted teeth. He grabbed the joint from Seth's hand and pressed the burning part against Seth's cheek.
"And I said; Fuck. Off" Ashton seethed and threw the dead joint away. He bent down and picked up the car keys beside his brother before he stood up and walked over to the car.
"What do you think you're doing?" Seth asked and watched his younger brother walk away.
"I'm going home you fucking idiot" the young Ashton seethed, making Ashton look at himself with a clenched jaw.
He noticed now what an asshole he really was. He noticed now what an idiot he's been. He noticed now why he turned out to be the one he was today.
Why he was barely human.
"You can't even drive, Ash" Chase said and sighed.
"Does it look like I care?" Ashton spoke before getting into the car and started it.
Ashton watched how Michael frowned and pursed his lips before he stood up and ran over to the car, jumping in to the passenger seat and they drove off.
Ashton watched himself drive away quickly and he breathed out heavily as he was left with Seth and Chase standing hopelessly alone.
Ashton bit his lip and shook his head in shame before turning around and walked over to the door again. He pulled down the handle and sighed as it was open. He stepped inside, and was surrounded by darkness once again.
He closed his eyes and ran his hands over his face when knowing just what his conscience tried to do with him. He didn't like it, and he wanted it to stop. But as he opened his eyes and saw a bedroom - his bedroom - he knew it wasn't over.
His room was empty, but only after a few minutes Ashton watched his 15 year old self storm through the door and slam it shut harshly. He walked back and forth in his room before he picked up the closest object and threw it across the room.
Ashton knew what day this was. He remember it as yesterday and he backed away from his young self to get closer to the door. He tugged at the handle again, knowing fully well the door wouldn't open but he so desperately wish it would.
He just couldn't stay to watch what he was about to do. He just couldn't relive this day.
"Fuck!" Ashton's younger self screamed as he threw yet another object across the room. After three other object had been thrown, the door to the bedroom opened and 14 year old Michael walked inside.
Michael hurried over to Ashton and held his hands down to keep him from throwing anything else. Ashton tried to get away but Michael dug his nails into Ashton's skin harshly, making him look at him.
"Get the fuck away from me, Mike" Ashton seethed and snatched his hands away from his friend.
"He's not dead, Ash. We don't know that yet. We never saw a body" Michael spoke calmly.
"We didn't fucking see him alive either"
"You can't just assume the worst" Michael spoke.
"When has this life ever not given us the worst? Nothing good ever happens to us Mike, so don't ever think it will" 15 year old Ashton spoke and gritted his teeth.
Ashton stood aside and watched the two young boys argue back and forth and he felt his insides turn and twist while a heavy sting was felt against his chest again.
He figured it was pain for what he's done, but he thought having to relieve all these memories were horrible enough.
Especially this one.
"Just shut the fuck up Mike, I don't even want to hear it"
"He's your brother," Michael said and shook his head in frustration, "It's okay to feel"
Ashton bit his lip harshly as he watched his 15 year old self grab Michael violently and slammed his lips against Michael's to shut him up.
Ashton shook his head and closed his eyes as he heard the young boy's lips smack together and clothes being thrown on the floor.
He turned around and tugged at the handle of the door again as he heard pants and small moans from the bed, and even though he held his hands over his ears, the sounds were still echoing in his mind.
"I get it, okay! Just let me out" Ashton called out as he kept trying to open the door with all the strength he had, but nothing happened.
He closed his eyes shut and bit his lip
harshly as he leaned his forehead against the dark door while hearing himself and Michael's painful moans from the bed.
And when they stopped, Ashton almost whimpered at what would come next.
As the two young boys had caught their breaths, Michael's soft voice was heard.
"I love you, Ashton" he said, and Ashton pressed his forehead harder against the door before pulling at he handle again.
"I get it! I've lived it and I've done it, I know! Just fucking let me out! Just get me out of here!" he screamed as he violently banged his fist against the door. Nothing happened though, so he was left with his forehead against the door again while listening to his old self speaking.
"No you don't" Ashton scoffed and sat up in the bed to get dressed.
"I do" Michael said quietly and the young Ashton turned around to look at Michael with burning eyes.
"Shut the fuck up Mike" he seethed.
"Ash, I love you. Just fucking open up and maybe you'd feel the same" Michael spoke and the young Ashton was soon pushing him down the mattress while breathing heavily in anger.
Ashton still had his eyes closed and his forehead pressed against the door, because he didn't need to see to know just what was going on. And he hated it all.
"Don't fucking say that ever again"
"And what if I do?" Michael asked and seconds after 15 year old Ashton was throwing his fist over to 14 year old Michael's face. He didn't just do it once, not twice, but three times, and as the older Ashton stood in the corner and heard his fist hit his best friend's face several times, he cringed.
"Don't ever say that again" Ashton whispered before leaving the room and slammed the door after himself.
Only when the room had been silent for a minute did Ashton dare to turn back around again and open his eyes. His eyes immediately landed on the bed and he slowly walked over to look at Michael.
Ashton bit the inside of his cheeks harshly as he watched the young Michael on the bed with a bleeding nose, burst lip, and tears running down his cheeks.
"Fuck, Mike" Ashton breathed out and crouched down by the bed to watch the young boy silently cry while his face had spots of blood all over.
Michael sniffed before he wiped both the blood and tears away from his face with the sheets, and then stood up to walk out of the room.
Ashton was left alone and ran his hands over his face and up to his hair as he tugged harshly.
"You're such a fucking idiot" he cursed himself and sighed when hearing the door creak open. He clenched his jaw and stood up to walk over to the door once again.
He ripped the door open and slammed it shut in anger. Ashton was so done with this. He had always known he was a horrible human being, but seeing it now play out in front of his own eyes made him understand just how fucking awful he really was.
He nearly groaned when yet another scene lit up in front of him, but kept quiet when not recognizing the room he was standing in. He looked around in the lightly painted room and eyed all the different posters on the walls.
His attention was brought over to the bedroom door as it was slowly opened. Ashton face softened as he watched a young Luke enter the bedroom.
The small blond boy hurriedly locked his door and walked over to the bed. Ashton watched Luke sit down and place a bag in front of him while sighing lightly.
Luke combed his fringe away from his eyes and opened the bag to slowly pull out some kind of lacy underwear. Ashton stopped breathing as he watched the probably 13 year old Luke run his fingertips over the lace while tears ran down his rosy cheeks.
With slow steps, Ashton walked over and watched the pretty boy curl up and fall to the mattress with more tears escaping from his eyes.
"Why couldn't I be normal like everyone else?" Luke whispered and fisted the thin lacy garment before shoving it back in the bag and threw the bag under his bed.
With furrowed eyebrows Ashton watched the young Luke crawl off his bed and walk over to his bathroom. Luke turned on the tap of the bath and let the water run heavily as he stepped over to the mirror and watched his reflection.
Ashton carefully stood behind him and bit his lip when noticing his reflection didn't show in the mirror. He only saw Luke's broken appearance, and it broke Ashton as well.
Luke suddenly stepped away from the mirror and started to rummage through the drawers. Ashton's whole body slumped when watching the small blonde take out a razor blade and laid down in the bath with his clothes on.
"No" Ashton breathed out as he watched Luke cry and hold the blade tightly between his fingers.
"You could have been normal, but you aren't, and now no one will love you" the blonde whispered before lowering himself down in the water and brought the blade up to his throat.
"Angel," Ashton breathed out as he walked over to the beautiful blonde and reached out for him, but as before, his hand only went through, "Stop. Fucking stop!"
Luke sobbed and inched the blade closer and closer, until something stopped him.
"Luke, honey? It's time for dinner. And keep the door open, you know I don't like it when you keep it locked" a soft voice said from outside the locked bedroom door.
Luke breathed heavily before he let go of the blade and let it sink to the bottom of the bathtub.
"Okay, I'll be right there mom" the small blonde said and got out the tub in his soaking clothes while wiping away his tears.
Ashton watched the broken boy exit the bathroom and close the door behind him, leaving Ashton alone in shock and slight fear of what he just had seen.
The heavy pressure and sting against his chest got worse and he groaned slightly as he pressed his back against the wall.
"Get me out of here" Ashton whispered out and soon the familiar creaking sound was heard behind him, making him quickly open the door to get away from the unfamiliar scene as soon as possible.
As he entered the complete darkness again, he leaned his back against the door and closed his eyes harshly in a desperate attempt to get away. He never knew that some previous events could hit him so hard.
That they could actually make him feel.
As Ashton opened his eyes again, he was standing in the middle of a hospital room. He looked around in a desperate attempt to remember this as a memory, but he had no recognition of it.
He understood just why when he turned around to watch his own lifeless body lie on the bed with machines all around him. He let his eyes roam his body in confusion but was pulled away from it when the door to the room opened and Luke stormed inside.
The blond boy stopped to watch Ashton's lifeless body before he broke down crying and walked over to the body.
"I need you to wake up. If you don't wake up soon I'll die, and I really don't want to die without knowing you made it or not" Luke sobbed and leaned forward to place his forehead against Ashton's unconscious body.
Ashton stood a few steps away and watched the whole scene play out with a pale face.
"Please Ashton, I'm not gonna make it any longer. They already have me and it's all so simple for them and I'm scared. I'm so scared!" Luke exclaimed and Ashton bit his lip harshly as he reached out for Luke but whimpered when he still wasn't able touch his boy.
"You need to listen to me Ashton, and you need to wake up. If you don't, you'll lose me. So please listen to me Ashton. Please, wake up. I can't do this much longer. I'm giving up soon"
"Please, angel" Ashton whispered but he already knew Luke couldn't hear him, so he just watched Luke cry.
"Wake up!" Luke soon yelled, making Ashton flinch at the broken voice, "Wake up, wake up, wake up!"
"Luke" another voice was heard, making Ashton turn his head and look at Ty in the doorway.
"Just open your eyes and wake up! Please!" Luke kept calling, and Ashton ran a hand over his face in discomfort.
"Luke" Ty said again and Ashton watched his uncle pull the small blonde away.
"No, don't touch me!" Luke cried and tried to shrug Ty off, making Ashton nearly whimper at the sight.
"Luke, you need to be quiet. You need to calm down-"
"Ashton! Please, you need to wake up! Please, please, ple-" Luke called but fell silent in the middle of his sentence.
Ashton clenched his jaw as he turned to look at his lifeless body and the heart monitor that only showed that one simple line.
"No. Fuck no" Ashton cursed an shook his head as he walked over to the bed. He soon watched several nurses and doctors enter the room while Luke and Ty were pushed out from it.
Ashton gritted his teeth as he watched the nurses pull a defibrillator into the room and handed it over to a doctor. Ashton watched with glossy eyes as they loaded it up and placed the two metal bricks against his chest.
"Clear!" they called out and Ashton watched his body rise from the mattress as the heavy shock went through his body.
His body helplessly fell back on the bed again and the same flat line was still shown on the screen of the heart monitor.
"Fucking hell," Ashton spoke through gritted teeth as he watched his body stay dead, "Fucking wake up"
"Clear!" the doctors spoke again and Ashton clenched his jaw harder when watching the same flat line and hearing the same deafening beeping sound.
"Wake up," Ashton mumbled and eyed his paling face on the bed, "Wake up now"
"Clear!"
"Wake up!" Ashton now screamed and clenched his fists tightly, "Just get your shit together and wake up!"
But he knew that it didn't matter how hard or loud he screamed, he still wouldn't be heard, seen or felt.
And then, a pressure pushed him away from his lifeless body and over to the opened door like two strong arms. Ashton fought to stay were he was, but the pressure dragging him away was too strong for him to fight.
"No! Wake up!" he screamed as he got closer to the door and the darkness, "Wake up!"
And as he was pulled back and dragged through the doorway of that scratched and damaged door, Ashton watched his lifeless body with tears in his eyes as he brokenly whispered;
"Think about Luke"
And then the door slammed shut and Ashton was left alone in the darkness with his back sliding down against the door and tears running down his cheeks.
Ashton held his breath as he hoped for something to happen, but nothing did. It was still dark, absolutely pitch black, making it impossible for him to see a single thing.
And then Ashton knew he was gone. He was dead and he'd never be able to come back and make up for all the things he's done.
"Please. I'll do whatever the fuck is needed. I'll make up for all the shit I've done! Just please-" Ashton spoke into nothingness and shut his teary eyes before speaking again, "Please don't take me away from Luke"
Silence. Complete absence of sound.
Darkness. The partial or total absence of light.
Pain. Highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury or mental suffering or distress.
Emptiness. The state of containing nothing.
But then, in the middle of the silence, darkness, pain, and emptiness, a voice spoke loudly around the broken Ashton, lightning up hope inside of him.
"We've got a pulse! He's back"
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i hope i didn't leave you confused with this chapter and i hope you like it because this story is far from over
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