"I can't believe that your mom is staying with you, for how long again?" Christina says in disbelief over the phone.
I am on the couch, laying down with a brown fluffy blanket draped over my body.
It is day 2 since the miscarriage and it only seems like things are getting worse with my mood.
I barely get off of the couch, I only take showers and use the bathroom.
I understand that due to my miscarriage some hormones will be left in my body.
But, this is also including my state of depression I am in since I lost my kids, my kids that I blindly killed because I was being irresponsible.
I try my best to smile during the days, but once the sun falls and the stars rise I am a complete different person and will silently cry myself to sleep.
Wishing, that something will miraculously happen and I will able to meet my kids that I never met.
"I don't even know, I guess until I so called 'feel better' but other than that I don't know. Right now she is picking up some food for the house while Four is at work, she is really bugging me. Cleaning up all over the house while I try to rest, locking the dogs away, just doing crazy things." I sigh as I turn on my back placing my hand on my forehead. Little People Big World, on TLC plays in the background on the television.
"Well, she's being a mother. That's what they are supposed to do when their kids are sick, even when they are adults." Christina says trying to make the good side show in this situation.
"She didn't do that in Chicago, she made my nanny watch me while she went on 'trips'." I say rolling my eyes as my phone buzzes again signaling that I have another call on the line.
"Wel-"Christina starts on the other line.
"Hold on one second Chris, someone is calling on the other line." I say
"Okay." I hear her say and I look at my phone and Hubby shows up on my screen making me swipe it across, it asks me if I want to merge the two calls but I decline and put Chris on hold.
"Hello?" I say with a little hint of excitement in my voice, I do miss Tobias during the days since I'm still on 'maternity' leave at work.
So during the days I have to either sit with my Mother for ten hours or sleep all day and talk to the girls.
"Hey babe, how are things. You feeling okay?" He asks and I smile a bit, Tobias is very protective of me since the miscarriage . . . like more than usual.
He's always asking if I'm okay and bringing candy home from work and cuddling with me at night.
"Yeah, I feel better than yesterday. The medicine is still making me tired but I think I'm ready to get back to work, so my mom can leave." I say as I turn away from the TV drawing little lines on the couch.
"No, I don't think that's a good idea. I would wait until the doctor calls, and you feel one-hundred percent. You don't want your boss getting mad for sending you home early all of the time." He says and I open my mouth to answer him but I remember Christina is on the other line.
"Tobias, I am my boss." I give a slight chuckle, at my job I am basically the head person who runs it all but there is still someone higher than me and being my boss.
But I can sometimes alter my own schedule and other employees.
"Hold on, Christina is still on the other line." I say before he says anything else.
I look on my phone to see if she is still waiting and she is.
"No, it's fine. I have to get back anyways, coach just walked back in. I just wanted to check in, we will talk more about this later." He says in a stern voice, great, now he's going to be on me like white on rice and barely believe me about how great I feel since I confessed that I want to go back to work.
"Okay, I love you." I say.
"I love you too, bye."
"Bye," I say and click the red end button on my screen.
"Hello?" I ask again to see if Christina is still there.
"Hey, look let me call you back. My lunch break just ended and we have a lot of customers." Christina says as I hear a bell ring in the background.
"Alright." I say with a sad sigh, now I have no one to talk to except these four walls.
"Bye, love you and do over do it." She says
"Alright, mom, bye."
"Haha, very funny, bye." She says and I click the red end button and I put my phone on the coffee table and turn back around facing the television watch the show.
I see how the parents are happy with their kids and how his son is about to get married.
I see how hard the parents are working to make their kids happy and it actually brings tears to my eyes that I will never get to share that moment with my twins.
Hopefully there will be more kids in the future, but I can't even bring my mind to the fact about conceiving more kids . . . it's too painful right now.
I wipe my eyes, still frustrated with the fact that I'm still acting like this even though I promised myself that I will try to not be so sappy and act all depressed, this is harder than I thought.
I just close my eyes and try to dream of something better, like going on missions at my job.
+++
"Mom!" I hear someone shout and I turn around to see two children sitting in the back seat, they look around three and they are identical boy and girl.
The girl has Tobias' eye color and the boy has my eye color.
The boy has Tobias' hair color while the girl has my hair color.
They are identical except the last few things I said, they are beautiful.
"When are we going to the park mommy?" The little girl asks with a happy smile kicking her legs up and down in her car seat.
"We should be there any second." I hear a deep voice and look to my left, Tobias is sitting in the passenger seat driving to what I'm guessing the park. I look down and see myself in the passenger seat.
When did I get here?
"I can't wait to get on the swings, and the slide. Oh! And the big tire!" The boy says with amusement in his little voice not quite pronouncing the words correctly.
I smile thinking of the park myself.
"Why couldn't Zeus and Hercules come with us?" The little girl says sadly.
"Yeah." The little boy agrees with disappointment in his voice.
"Because, Audrey and Adriel, they were misbehaving and using the bathroom on things. You wouldn't want to treat them to something good after they did bad things." Tobias says as I look forward at the road as we pull up to a red light.
Audrey and Adriel, my twins.
"Daddy, my shoe fell off." Audrey says and I start to turn around to put her shoe back on but Tobias grabs my wrist pecking my lips.
"I got it." He says and I turn my attention back to the road and I see a flash of silver and then the sound of a metal crashing together rings in my ears. My vision turns foggy and I feel like the car is turning.
I hear glass breaking and screaming and crying until the car stops.
I look around to see my arm bleeding and blood running down my cheek, I take my seat belt off and look around and see that we were in a fatal car accident.
My neck burns from seat belt burn and I look to see Tobias head against the air bag.
I grab his shoulder and shake it trying to see if he's able to move or wake up but his body is limp and he's not breathing.
I turn to check on my kids and see that they are injured and bloody laying limp in their seats making a sob fall out of my mouth.
I get out of the car and see how the car hit us, it looks like two cars were racing and it lost control and hit us dead on.
I can't believe that my family is dead,
I'm the only one left. Left with the memories of their deaths and how they were . . . they're never coming back.
+++
I jump up from the couch and see that my shirt is sticking to my back and faint tears are still on my face, it was only a dream. . . I don't have any kids and Tobias isn't dead.
A sob falls from my mouth, thoughts of having my family killed still fresh on my mind.
I get up and go to the bathroom hoping that a shower would help me calm down.
As I am showering, I am realizing that, that dream is somewhat like how I'm living now.
My kids are gone, I am grieving over them and it was just plain and clear in my dream.
I had kids, I was a mother but I lost them so quick. Just like how I lost them through the miscarriage, so quickly like how sand falls through your hand . . . and I can never get them back.
Like in my dream.