Sitting in Zachs car ouside the church building, I had butterflies starting to whir in my stomach. Zach and Rachel had gone in ahead to help set up morning tea and begin to welcome the youth as they arrived. Rachel had been unsure about leaving me butI had been adament I would be fine.
The church building was large and very contemporary looking. It had seating for 600, large by Dunedin standards and was often hired locally for conventions being held in the city. The kitchen was fabulous, opening on one side to the foyer where a cafe ran through the week, and also through a servery to the auditorium for easy serving of morning tea after services and refreshments at events. The entrance was large you could enter through any of the 3 main glass doors manned by people welcoming on a Sunday. Then the foyer emptied into the auditorium by doors at each end of the foyer. I was breathing deep, trying to imagine myself being successful running this gauntlet of people and emotion. I was starting to feel swamped by the flood of memories, let alone the people I would be seeing today. Tears threatened as I remembered Sundays here with Mum, then last year the hearse pulling up with her casket inside. Dad and I had clung to reach other, feeling the eyes of the church on us, as we watched her drive away. I knew I would have to be brave for Dad, I seriously didn't know if I could do this. My eyes were staring fixed on the back of the passenger seat headrest, zoning out. There had been many people willing to keep house for us, bake and cook for us. For several weeks it felt like I had no where to retreat to, the were always people in out home. Finally I spoke to Dad and he made it known that although it was generous, please no more visits to the home, or cooking, we needed to start finding or way for ourselves again. It was only then that I started to feel that I could recover myself.
Just then there was a sharp rapping on the window and Lara was standing there, pulling open the door. She collapsed into the back seat beside me, banging the behind her.
"Hey," she said with a grin. "Been in yet? " I shook my head. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a massive fierce hug. "We can do this, I won't let you out of my sight," she whispered. She knew exactly what I was feeling without me saying anything.
Then letting me go, she pushed me away a bit to look at me. "Let me see you, wow you look great. Love the killer heels."
I had spent sometime considering what to wear and had decided on classic elegance. A white pencil fitting dress that stopped just above my knees, a modern short navy jacket that fitted fit to my waist, and flared out, with white floral top stitching on the outside of one sleeve, climbing up one arm. My only break with formality were the white heels, that had silver covering over the square heel. Higher than I normally wore anywhere else.
"Thanks" I said, " Are you alone? I felt sure that you would have Ryan with you. " She sighed, "if only. That gorgeous man had to work. He may join us for lunch. Are you still going to Great Taste? " It was a popular buffet restaurant in town. "Yes we are and, ah.. Max is joining us. "
She grabbed my arm in excitement. "arggh! Spill... really? You guys seem to be doing so well." She sighed. "Are you seeing him now? As in 'seeing him'?" she made speech marks in the air with her hands.
I laughed, "I guess," I blushed, "I really enjoyed being out with him on Friday, then I saw him at the mall yesterday." I took a drop breath before confiding in her, "He said that I was gorgeous and he wanted to keep seeing me. I was also amazed that he mentioned he felt a real connection with me that he had never felt before. " If we hadn't been confined in the car I am sure Lara would have been jumping up and down, as it was she jiggled all over the back seat, making a high pitched noise, grabbing my hands.
"How romantic," she gasped, calming a little she looked at me, "and..." I didn't understand what she meant. "What more are you after now, I thought I was sharing?"
She sighed patting my hand like I was part of the elderly set that knew nothing of modern times. "Well for your information Max is a mans man, and that is what the ladies love about him. You get that right? "
Feeling like there was going to be a catch here somewhere I cautiously nodded.
"But what you obviously have not calculated, is how much it cost him to say those things to you. He is genuinely putting himself out there. Have you done the same? I know emotional things are a struggle for you but you need to tell him how you feel or you will turn around and find he isn't waiting for you any more. I know that sounds harsh, but it is reality. " She paused, looking me in the eye. "How do you feel about him?"
How did I feel? ... That was a good question, hot, turned on, excited about seeing him. I thought about him often, "I think what I feel for him is. ..new. But I need to see how this morning goes. "
"He's coming to the service? from that I take it he doesnt know? "
I shook my head. Lara pushed the door of the car open, "Come on girlfriend, let's get this show on the road," Lara announced with a mock accent. I laughed, climbing out with her we linked arms, and she chatted to me all the way to the main doors, distracting me.
"Cassie, Cassie Dear, " I looked at Lara and slightly rolled my eyes as I heard someone calling out to me and pushing through the crowd in the foyer. " Cassie darling girl," an elderly lady was standing in front of me slightly out of breath. "It is so lovely to see you. We have so missed you, and I know your father has. That poor man carrying on the way he has."... Her voice continued on, and I had to clench my teeth not to say anything inappropriate, either that or burst into tears. Lara had already interrupted her saying that we needed to make our way into the Church. Lara moved herself between me and the lady who's name I couldn't remember, put an arm around me, and moved us towards the doors. Heads turned to us as we moved through, some smiled sadly at me, others openly curious.
Someone in front of us turned just as we approached, "Cassie," a familiar voice said softly. I was enveloped in a welcome hug. "Sarah, " I smiled. " How is Ruby doing? " Sarah was part of the youth programme that I had been involved with. Her sister had been in a serious motor vehicle accident and I had spent time with her at the hospital.
"She is so much better, the doctors are now saying a 100% recovery over time and exercise. "
"Sarah, that is great news," I beamed at her. I gave her another quick hug. As we had been talking Rachel had found us and was standing to my right and Lara continued to be vigilant on my left, scanning the crowds. As I had been talking with Sarah I had heard Lara organise Zach to meet Max at the door and bring him in to where we were sitting. That was my next thought. Do I hide in the back, or sit up where I usually do. I know Dad would appreciate it, but would the congregation think I was presuming too much?
More people greeted me, some stopped to speak, Lara moved us through as best she could. Rachel was a supportive presence holding my hand as we progressed through the auditorium. Some just nodded, smiled or gave me a quick hug. I found that if I focused on what people wore, or inconsequential this like what shoes they had on, then I didn't get swamped with emotion.
Lara didn't ask me where we would sit. She just took us straight to the front row, off to the side. Dad came out of a side room just at that moment, immediately saw me with the girls and came straight over to me.
Without saying anything we both needed one another. My eyes filling up with tears. "You can do this, " Dad whispered. "You have been my rock this year. I wouldn't be where I am without you."
"Thanks Dad. You realise I am the same? " he pulled back and smiled his thanks rubbing his hands gently up and down my arms. I was aware of eyes on us as I put my handbag under the seat and sat waiting for the loud buzz in the auditorium to wane, signalling the start of the service. Lara and Rachel stayed standing directly either side quietly talking, but clearly standing guard.
Just then the music director on stage caught my eye and smiled. The band had come out on stage and had started to organise their final setup. I got up and moved towards the stage, Hamish came to the edge of the stage and jumped down. "Hey, so great to see you, " he smiled, pulling me in for a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. He was a genuine friend and I had known him for years.
Hamish had spent hours and hours with Dad and I making certain that the music for Mums funeral had been perfect. The choice of songs, and right down to what instruments we wanted playing for each. Dad had left much of that to me.
I had asked so much of Hamish that day, but he had been so generous, and had encouraged me to ask whatever I wanted. So I asked him if he would play an acoustic guitar item, solo, and if he would also play his bagpipes as the casket left. Not only was he a talented contemporary musician who did great music with the modern Church band, and gigs around town with his own band, but he was an accomplished piper as well. He was also a lecturer in the Otago University music department.
I will never forget Dad and I walking out to his pipes, and putting mum into the hearse. It leant such a elegance to the occasion. Many people over the years had thought we would end up together. Right through our time in the church youth group. But we didn't let rumours spoil or friendship like it so easily could have.
"Great to see you too. How's life been? "
"Great," he answered with his trademark smile. Pulling me in for another quick hug he said he better get back to start and vaulted back onto the stage. The drums counted in and the band was into the first song.
I returned to stand between my friends, realising just how blessed I was, when Zach appeared at my elbow. Because of the volume of the music he had to lean in close to speak into my ear, "You ok?" pulling away to check my face, I nodded. Zach leaned into me again saying, "Where would you like me to put your policeman? " I pulled back embarrassed and have him a swot on the chest, "Stop that, where is he?"
As I asked I looked passed Zach and saw Max standing there. Zach moved to the side to sit by Rachel as he started to sing along to the music, a big grin on his face. I frowned at him, as I turned to Max.
Max moved to stand in front of the vacated seat beside me. The dress code at our church was pretty much, wear what you like, some in jeans and tshirts, big baggy winter jumpers, whatever you put your hands on really. But as I smiled up shyly at Max I realised that he had gone to some effort. He was wearing a dark business shirt, matching tie, and dark business trousers. I felt weak at the knees just looking at him, but oddly mixed in was an excitement that made me feel strangely stronger and me alive than I had.
Max looked a lttle uncomfortable, he gently put an arm around my waist and leaned down to say in my ear, "You choose the front row? " I cringed and said, "Yeah, sorry about that, tradition and all that. "
He nodded like he understood, leaning in again he said, "We are getting bad at not greeting each other, hope you are feeling as good as you look." He grinned a heart stopping smile, kissing me briefly on the cheek, looking right into my eyes. I smiled up at him, "Hello right back, if you looked any better yourself, you'd be dangerous." My face flooded with colour, but following Laras pep talk decided I needed to start speaking up more about how I felt. He smiled and gave my side a gentle squeeze before letting his arm drop. The 3 opening songs were finished and we all took our seats.
One of the pastors went to the front and gave an introduction to the idea of the dedication service. then before long all the trainees in the service were making their way to the front. The are nurses, doctors, architects, mechanics...all waiting in line as one of the 8-10 leaders in the ministry team came, laid hands or shoulder on their head, and prayed with each one.
Next when they had finished with those still training, they called for teachers and nurses. I glanced at Max, he looked at me encouragingly as Lara on the other side of me grabbed my hand and we took the 2 steps that took us to the front. Dad was on the ministry team and came straight for us with a smile.
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