The Understanding (Bk 1 Otago Series)

Chapter 23- Guilt and Uncertainty

Cassies POV

After the drama of that Friday night the school term had started uneventfully. This was a busy 10 week stretch with winter sport in full swing and written reports going home to each parent about their child's progress.

But standing on the side lines of our school A Netball team's game, I was feeling that the remaining 4 weeks of term couldn't go fast enough, I was feeling tired and distracted.. School netball played mid week on a Wednesday. With the growing popularity of basketball we needed to share our indoor facilities, which suited me as a teacher, meaning no sport commitments on a Saturday. The building of the massive Edgar Centre stadium right on the edge of the Otago Harbour had changed the look of winter sport in Dunedin. No more standing on the side lines in the rain and cold or listening in on the radio for cancellations.

Thinking about  Max I increasingly felt that other than a gorgeous piece of new jewellery,  what we had shared must have  been in my head. His feelings for me can't have been as strong as I so fancifully remembered. There were still daily messages from Max for me to delete, which daily had me staring wistfully into space wondering about the 'what ifs'.. maybe...

I had weakened and read 2 of his messages in the past 6 weeks but it left me emotional and feeling fragile for days and I had no idea how to reply. So the only thing I could do was give him a continued assurance that I was still wearing the bracelet. I had just about sent all of the photos from different angles that Ryan had taken that first night. Ryan. The memories of that night so unsettled me. On one hand I was  grateful to him, because I was sure things with Ross would have gotten pretty ugly without his help, but the memory of  kissing him, in my brain fog still had the power to tie me on knots.

I was bought out of my dream-like state by the half time hooter and the girls jogging off the court to grab drink bottles, laughing and talking. They started to gather around me like they usually do, parent spectators in the background ready to hear my instructions for the second half.

I smiled and opened my mouth to say something, knowing that I had not really been in the game, and I didn't really know what to say.

Just then Lara's voice spoke from behind me, I moved to make room for her. "Looking good on defense A's but you need to sharpen up on offense and turn more of our opportunities into goals. Summer," Lara pointed in the direction of our goal shoot, "You are good but you need to take more time over your shots. Remember you can throw it back outside the circle, re-position and they will feed it back into you for another shot. Good job girls, keep it tight and mark up against the opposition." Lara finished her court side instructions by clapping her hands loudly, cheering and hooting. The parents and players echoed this clapping and whooping as the girls headed back on court.

Lara turned to look at me and said, "My guess is its a good job you have Summer's Mum is running the substitutions for you, because your head doesn't seem to be in the game.

I nodded grateful for my friend. I looked back over the netball court as the players began running and the squeak of their shoes on the surface joined the loud sounds of over 20 games being played simultaneously echoing around the stadium.

Lara turned to me, "Cassie you wanted this. I asked you weeks ago if you wanted me to take over. Just as well for you the B team just finished their game in the last round and I managed to catch 10 minutes of this game." She paused to sigh. I was looking down at the ground feeling embarrassed and for some strange reason tears threatened.  She was right, I am sure I could do this.

"Come on Cass this is your thing. You love this game, and the girls. Hold it together for this half. Then you and me are going out for dinner."

I opened my mouth to beg off, I loved Lara but I really felt I wanted to hide out. I was sure if the sadness didn't swamp me the guilt of what I had done would. I surely didn't need Lara digging into it all. I had managed to avoid that with her so far. But Lara held up her hand emphatically shaking her head. "The only choice you get is where we eat. Out, your place, or mine? "