The Understanding (Bk 1 Otago Series)

Chapter 4- The Encounter

What would he say next? ...

All I could think was that there must be some police action pending against me .. charges that he had decided I needed to face. I was almost holding my breath as tension began to spiral in my gut. I squeezed my eyes closed. In the semi dark of the car, as we sat over looking the city, I had a feeling that this wasn't going to end well. Nausea was rolling over me in waves. Max hadn't yet started to talk, to explain himself.

I opened my eyes and looked over towards where he sat, in the drivers seat. With all the emotion charging through my body I was surprised to find a trickle of impatience giving me the courage to say,

"And. ..?..did you have anything more to say about it? " I paused, still Max didn't turn, didn't move to reply.  

"You didn't drive us up here to leave me hanging like this. Going to that protest last week was completely out of character for me," I sighed. "If you don't believe me ask anyone, on second thoughts why not simply put it in writing to the school board? Here I was, delusional enough to think that you may have kept my involvement in the protest confidential, but no. .., you...you...you probably think I'm considering a life of crime! Sure, why not? I have it all planned out. So considering my new career option, why would continuing to teach hold any appeal? Because if this comes out I will probably be fired! You do know that right? I mean why would I have spent all those years studying and sitting exams to be a teacher, when really crime was my fall back career in along!.... " I stopped a little breathless. I knew I was no longer making sense. The volume of my voice had got louder and stronger as I spoke, I felt myself building a head of steam and I knew I needed to stop before I started sounding crazier than I already did, or said something more that I would regret, although I felt strangely invigorated. Max was no longer sitting passively in his seat. He was leaning into the corner where his seat met the door, and had angled his body towards to me. If I read him correctly, he looked surprised and a little flummoxed, but I couldn't let that stall me now. ..

Max cut in, 

"Are you finished? " he asked a small smile playing across his face, his handsome blue eyes clearly raking across mine.  

I was suddenly hit by huge surge of embarrassment. Had I just said all that? Verbal diarrhoea! I cringed inside. I hadn't opened the door to feeling angry like that for such a long time. Mum used to say with a smile, that for such a beautiful girl, I sure did have a short fuse! But for so long life had been a routine that I had forced myself to go through the motions. Teaching had been a wonderful distraction. I have carried for awhile the sense that if I got too connected to my emotions again, then there would be too much to feeling, I was just too tired by the load of grief that I carried. Mum was my best friend. When she was alive this was a double blessing, now she was gone it was a double blow. Things people did with their Mums, like sharing life's trials, and things that people did with their best friends, like shopping and sharing life's journey, I now had to face alone.

Now in one night I found myself running a gauntlet of emotions, that had been reawakening in me and all of this in Max's company. I was clearly reacting to more than my concern for the situation we were discussing, and I felt strangely threatened by his proximity in the confines of the car. I had so enjoyed my night, the intimacy we had shared while watching TV, the easy companionship we had slipped into, and here I was tossing all that aside by over reacting to my concerns. Not being one to back down easily and annoyed by the comfortable smirk playing across his face, like he had a secret he wasn't sharing, so against my better judgement I snapped again.  

"Take me home. ..." glancing sideways, and still wanting to lash out at him, in my vulnerable state, I chose not to use his name. Instead, I finished my statement with,