The summer had a melancholy feeling. My brother's passing and arrangments had been settled. He was buried at the National Cemetery in LA. Minus, a few containers of his ashes that my mother wanted to spread in Croatia and Greece during our trip in the coming months.
Andy knew I wasn't completely okay. The cycle of grief was rough. I used work as a distraction. I was working way too much like I was at my old job. Whether he knew I would put myself through the hell was another story.
I came home way later than I normally do on a Friday. Closer to 9. I had been at work for 12 hours. He had called around 6 asking if I'd be home in time for dinner. Of course, that was out of the question.
When I walked in, Andy's eyes were glued to the door.
"About time you came home," he commented as I walked in to put my stuff down.
I slumped against the door. I felt ashamed. I don't know why but I did.
"Y-yeah," I remarked as I kicked my shoes off and picked them up.
Andy was mad. Or disappointed. For some reason. And I could feel it in his energy.
I walked to the bedroom and didn't say anything.
I put my shoes away. But before I turned around, Andy was at the doorway.
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" he asked.
I swallowed hard before even responding.
"Doing what?" I asked him.
"You don't think I'm noticing? Look at the bags under your eyes. You don't look well. And, I've noticed the weight loss. It's not healthy," he told me as I refused to turn my body to face Andy.
I knew I had lost a bit of weight. I didn't think it was noticeable to him.
I didn't say anything.
"I know you feel bad about your brother's passing. But this isn't a good way to grieve. He wouldn't want you like this," Andy told me concerned.
"I'm sorry if you are ashamed of me," I remarked.
"Ashamed? Darling no I'm not ashamed. I'm worried about you," Andy commented as he stood beside me.
The problem was, I was always headstrong. I never liked showing my emotions. And, knowing I could probably break down and cry safely was something I knew was okay. But, I didn't want to.
"Look at me. I'm not mad at you. I just want you to take care of yourself better. Like you helped me take care of myself and continue to do so," he told me.
"I'm sorry," is all I could say.
I never liked being vulnerable. Anytime I was, people shot me down. Not like Violet or even my parents. But past relationships. They'd turn it around and pin it against me.
"Stop apologizing," he told me as he walked me to the bed to sit.
I had this issue when my anxiety flared up I would start shaking. And, my hands were trembling with anxiety now. This time, I didn't get a bloody nose.
He held my hand in his.
"Good golly darling you are shaking," he remarked as he kept his hands over mine.
"It's when I get overwhelmed," I told him.
He brought my hands up to his face and kissed them. He held them tightly.
He then kissed my forehead. He knew physical touch like this was my love language.
"You are okay and you're safe," he told me.
"I know. You have been the best through this all. I cannot be more grateful," I told him as he brought me into an embrace.
I was 27 years old and felt like I was 5.
"We'll navigate the world and it's ocean together," he told me.
"Yes," I told him.
"Why don't you go take a shower and then we'll skip the living room and come straight to bed? I mean after you've eaten something," he remarked as he heard my stomach growl.
"Okay that's a plan I can work with," I told him as I stood up to go get my stuff together for my shower.
"I'll go warm your plate up," he told me as he left me in the room.
I sighed as I felt a little bit of comfort and relief with Andy taking care of me. It was nice to be loved and cared for instead of doing it all the time.
After what felt like forever standing under the shower head, my shower was done and I was getting dressed.
"Everything okay?" Andy asked outside the door.
"Yeah I'm dressed you can come in if you want," I told him as I towel-dried my hair.
He opened the door.
"You look relaxed now," he commented.
"I feel a lot better. I think a lot of it has to do with you," I told him.
He smiled at me.
"For once in my life I'm helping someone instead of making them feel worse. That's a full circle moment," he remarked.
"You've learned your lessons well," I told him as I shook my hair out of the towel.
"Life till death is one big lesson I suppose," he told me.
I smiled at his comment.
A rough week coming to an end.