(TW: Discussion of suicide)
The first thing Nakano does is separate herself from me, and sit back. I guess my shock must show on my face, because she immediately gives me a wan smile. "I'm sorry, Kei, but...for this...I need..." She sighs deeply. "If I let you hold me now, I'll feel it too much, and I'll cry, and I'll never be able to get it all out." Her eyes drop to her lap, and I force myself to settle back, withdrawing the hand I hadn't even realized I was reaching out to her.
"It's alright," I say softly, "whatever you need, Roses."
She takes in another deep breath, and begins speaking in a soft, almost monotone sort of voice. "So, I've told you all about what happened to me, and how things were when I finally got home from the hospital, and then when Dad had to go back out to sea..."
She's glanced up at me for confirmation, and I nod, trying to give her a little smile. I feel a chill running up my back that has nothing to do with the temperature of the day, even if the clouds are beginning to roll in. I try to set that aside though, and focus in on her words.
"It got really rough, once I decided that I simply wasn't going to be able to learn to live with being in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. I did everything I could I to try to convince my mother, my sister, and my doctors that simply accepting this wasn't going to work for me. I begged, I pleaded, I cried, I screamed, I whined, I cajoled. I refused to take medicines, I wouldn't take part in therapy - either mental or physical. I even stopped eating at one point. Nothing I did seemed to make anyone take me seriously. If anything, they just seemed to get more annoyed with me for 'acting so childish.' They all just kept telling me the same thing over and over - eventually, I would get used to it." She shakes her head, a small, joyless bark of a laugh erupting from her.
"Do you remember, I said that things got so bad that my mom had to take me back to the hospital, and that was when she contacted my dad to come back and deal with me?" I nod once again, and that thrill of fear shoots up my spine again. I do indeed remember that phrase...because during our first time on this rock, she seemed to gloss over that moment...a moment that was clearly a pivotal turning point. I'd always wondered what exactly had happened to bring things to such a head. I guess now I'll finally find out. "I guess you wondered what had happened, huh? What was going on that my mom had me hospitalized again?" I suppress the chuckle that bubbles up in me as she very accurately reads my mind. She's always so very good at that, my Naka-chan is.
Her voice is barely there, a strained whisper against the sound of the ocean waves on the rock and the blustery winds coming in to the shore. And now, her eyes are distant, and whatever it is she's seeing, it isn't the beach, or the rock we're on, or even me.
"I'd reached my limit. I'd tried so hard to make them understand...that for me, accepting that I'd never be able to walk again when I knew for a fact there was a chance...that there was something that I could try, even if the chance was slim...they didn't know. They couldn't know. For me, accepting my situation was tantamount to just drowning myself in the drugs again. It was the same idea. Yes, accepting this as a truth would make the pain go away...but it would take me with it. I was a volleyball player! I had to be able to move, and I had to get back to being who I was before that miserable day when all this started. I had to. Because if I didn't...then I might as well have just stayed the way I was. Drugged up to the gills and mostly unaware of what was happening to me. And I'd fought too damn hard to get away from that...to get myself clear of that delusion...I just couldn't go back to that! I just couldn't.
"I tried. I did everything I could think of to try to make them listen. To make them see that I had to do whatever I possibly could - whatever it took - even if there was almost no chance at all, I at least had to try. I had to do anything and everything I possibly could do to move in a direction that would lead me back to being on a volleyball court again someday. But what good was the opinion of a thirteen year old girl compared to the knowledge of four adults...well, three adults and one older sister who pretty much felt she was an adult...especially compared to me. And especially since it was always Mom and Ama against Naka-chan and Dad - and now Mom and Ama had a doctor and a therapist on their side. And Dad wasn't there...so I had to fight all alone...and I...I just..."
She trailed off, looking and sounding like she was entirely worn out. Like she was actually back in those days, her body and her mind exhausted from trying to do what no thirteen year old girl should ever have had to do.
Slowly, tears began to drop down her cheeks. "I was so tired. And I...I tried to be strong...but I began to wonder if maybe they were right. Maybe I would never be whole again. Maybe...maybe I couldn't ever play volleyball again. Maybe I really was doomed to live the rest of my life stuck in a wheelchair with no way to ever get back to the girl I was before the accident. I had two warring impulses inside me...one was fighting desperately, searching for a way to scream out my despair and my rage in a way that someone would finally - finally! - really be able to hear me...and the other was exhausted and depressed and beginning to think it just wasn't worth going on this way anymore, with no hope and no one who cared. I started to think...I..."
Her voice hitched in a great a sob, and it was all I could do not to pounce on her, not to grab her up in my arms and tell her that she never, ever needed to feel this way ever again, because I would always be there and I would always care.
"I realized it might be best to just go ahead and end it all."
Her words knock the breath from me. I think I sort of knew that would probably be where she was going...but hearing her say those words aloud...it's almost more than I can take.
"I didn't want to take pills. That was not happening - not after what I'd been through already. And I couldn't really think of any other way to do it. Except one. But my bathroom didn't have a bathtub..."
I can't. I can't hear this. I don't want to hear this. Shut up shut up shut up. I can't bear to hear this beautiful, wonderful person that I love so much talking so casually about ending her life. I have to force myself to take a deep breath, trying to keep myself from becoming too agitated. Calm down, idiot, she's still here, so she obviously didn't succeed, and right now she needs you to be strong. So she can get all this out of her and let it go at last. I'm clenching my hands so hard my fingernails are digging into my palms, and I welcome the small jolt of pain that brings my focus out of the spiral I'm falling down. Nakano is just sitting there, weeping softly, and I want to hold her so much. I'm about to reach out for her, when...
"It was all I could think of though. So one evening, after a miserable dinner where Mom and Ama kept trying to cheerfully convince me to start looking for a new hobby to replace volleyball, I snuck a sharp paring knife from the kitchen back into my room with me. I turned my shower on as hot as I could...and I..."
"No!" I can't help it, I gasp it out, a hand coming to cover my mouth as the sound escapes me.
She chuckles weakly, the sound gets me breathing again. "The doctors and nurses at the hospital said that I wasn't really serious about dying, cause I did a terrible job of it. Shallow cuts, really, and I barely have any scars from them. When my mom found me though, it must have been an absolute disaster area. I guess maybe, in a lot of ways, it really was more a cry for help than a serious attempt to end my life, because I definitely went all out in the drama department. I put on a white nightgown, and had my hair down and all. I must have looked a terrifying sight. I don't have much memory of the whole thing, honestly. I remember getting in the shower...but everything beyond that is a blur of tears and screams and half-formed images in my mind. It's like my brain just doesn't want to hold on to that memory...and honestly, I think I might be grateful for that. My next clear memory is waking up in a hospital bed and Mom and Ama crying and telling me that Dad was on his way.
"I still don't know what I was really thinking or feeling that night. I think maybe it was both - a cry for help, a desperate plea for someone to please take me seriously and really listen to what I was saying - but also, an admission that I was slowly losing the motivation, the will to go on as I was. I'd like to think it was more the former than the latter...but deep inside I know there was at least a part of me that really did want to die."
Her tears are falling again, as are mine. Why am I crying? She didn't die, she's here, she's strong, so why am I crying?
"And I am so ashamed of that part me, Kei."
She looks up, and our eyes meet, and the pain and hurt and devastation I see in those bright blue eyes makes me gasp aloud again even as my tears keep falling.
"Roses, I..."
"She's still in here. That miserable part of me that was willing to give up so completely that dying seemed like a reasonable alternative to living with whatever came. I hate that part of me. She's weak, and I hate her. I talk about her like she's not me but she is and I hate that. When my therapist said that the whole suicide attempt thing was more about finding another way to yell for help rather than really trying to die, I grabbed on to that like a life preserver. Because, if I was doing it as means of fighting, then I was okay with it. It was drastic and stupid and extreme, but at least it wasn't weak. I wasn't giving up, or taking the easy way out, or something awful like that. So I let myself believe that. And that might have worked too. I might have been able to convince myself that the part of me that thought trying to slit my wrists was a good idea wasn't really all that bad...except she tried again a few months later, and that time, there was no denying how cowardly it was."
The emotions pouring off of Nakano are as jumbled and chaotic as the ones churning through my chest. She's angry, and sad, and scared and embarrassed all at once, and I'm not sure even she knows which one she's feeling most strongly. The wind is blowing hard against us, and the ocean sounds raw and disturbed. The sunlight seems to be too little to warm the chill that's taken hold of me and I can feel myself shudder. Did she really say that she tried to kill herself not once...but twice?
That doesn't sound at all like her. Especially since I know that her dad came home and listened to her, made everyone else listen to her. Why on Earth would she try to take her own life again after that? I feel entirely dumbstruck by this entire conversation. I just...I don't even know what to say to her. She stares down at the rock, the fingers of her left hand tracing the worn surface beneath them.
When she begins speaking again, her voice is small and sad. "Everyone in my family, and all of my doctors know about that suicide attempt. And everyone seems to agree that it was my way of trying to get the attention I needed. But the second one...well...no one really knows. Or...actually...they know...but they don't know it was deliberate."
My blood freezes again. It's like I can feel the cold gripping my heart. I gotta remember...this isn't what she feels now. This is how it was for her then. She survived it! And now she's finally starting to let go of these terrible burdens she's been carrying all this time.
"You know the next part of the story...my dad came home, and the decision was made. I would be changing doctors, and I would go forward with the surgeries that would be needed to try to get my legs functional again. Dr. Ishigami pulled no punches. He told me exactly what I would be facing - three more surgeries, possibly a fourth, and years of physical therapy. And pain...a lot of it...most especially after the first surgery he planned to do. You see, he basically had to undo a lot of what my previous doctor had done to stabilize my legs, so he could effect a more complete repair. We talked a lot about how painful this was likely to be, and what we would do to mitigate and manage that pain. As you can guess, I really wasn't keen on taking a lot of medication for any length of time. Dr. Ishigami totally understood, but given how very painful he expected my legs to be after the first surgery, he insisted that strong medication was going to be needed for at least a few days afterwards. I tried hard to bargain with him, but he simply refused to back down on it. He agreed that strong drugs would be used only while I was in the hospital, and for no longer than six days at the absolutely maximum. I would need to wait at least six weeks between the surgeries...but once the initial work was done, Dr. Ishigami assured me we would be able to control the pain through other means until that second surgery which should, if all went well, alleviate the vast majority of the pain permanently.
"And so...that first surgery got scheduled. Dr. Ishigami saw me several times prior to the date, making sure I was ready for what was to come. I thought I was. I...I really believed that. I'd had so much preparation, I was confident...even happy...to begin moving forward along a new path, one that was going to lead me back to the volleyball court."
She shudders. Violently. As though just the echo...just the memory of that pain was almost too much for her.
"I knew nothing."
There's bitterness and anger in her tone...as well as sadness and a hint of fear. I just sit and stare at her...at a total loss for what to do or say.
"When I'd talked to Dr. Ishigami about minimizing pain medication, I thought I'd known what it was to be in pain. After all, I'd already been through so much...the pain of the accident itself, and then the recovery from the initial surgeries I had, and then the mess of my addiction to the pills and trying to get off of those...I figured I was pretty much an expert in pain. The doc tried hard to explain what was coming...but nothing he did or said could have prepared me for the absolute fucking agony I was in when I woke up from up that surgery."
Nakano doesn't curse a whole lot. But she spat those three words out like she could taste their vileness in her mouth as she said them. I know my jaw dropped a bit...my mouth is open as I stare at her.
"We'd agreed that for the first three days, I'd have a button so I could control how much medication I was getting. I wasn't really comfortable with them just pumping it into me all the time like they did after the accident...I was so afraid...that'd I'd end up hooked again. I wanted some control. After the first three days, we'd assess, and determine a pill schedule for the following three days. So when I woke up, a nurse came and showed me the switch. All I had to do if the pain was too much was press the switch, and the medication would be delivered into my IV.
"As I'd prepared for my surgery, I promised myself I would use that switch as little as possible. I'd dealt with pain, I could handle it. Keep it at bay without needing the drugs. I was so, so very wrong. The moment that button was in my hand I pressed it. I'd never felt anything like this in my entire life. My legs felt like they were on fire...no...my legs felt so bad they would have felt better if they'd actually been on fire. It was nothing short of excruciating.
She's trembling, and I wanna hold her so bad. How the hell did she survive this? Tears are beginning to trickle from her eyes again, and her voice is strained.
"I tried, oh gods Kei, I really tried. I tried so hard not to push that little button. I used every trick I knew. Nothing helped. Not even a little. My whole world was pain. I know Mom and Amalie came to visit me...but all I did was cry. I couldn't really sleep - the pain was too intense. Fitful bursts...little snatches of sleep that did nothing to make me feel rested or give me a break from the pain. It was absolutely horrible.
"By the middle of the second day, I thought I might just go insane with it. What had I done to myself? I hadn't been able to walk before, but at least I'd not been in this mind numbing amount of pain! All I could think of was that I was now trapped in a hell of my own making, and there was absolutely no way out that I could see.
"Except one. My little switch."
My eyes widen as I realize what she means. "But...Roses...those kind of switches have limiters on them...you...you wouldn't have been able to..."
"At the time, I didn't care. I couldn't think anymore. The pain was so overwhelming...I just pushed and pushed and pushed that button until I finally passed out."
And now I'm crying again too. It's nothing short of a miracle that she survived and is here with me now to tell this story.
"Turns out...something was wrong with the system. I did indeed manage to overdose myself, even though it shouldn't have been possible. I woke up three days later, throat raw from the feeding tube I'd needed, and my body feeling weak and awful...but the pain in my legs had subsided at least. Mom and Amalie were there, crying a lot, and once I was properly awake, Dr. Ishigami came to explain what had happened. They all assumed that my overdose was accidental...that I'd gotten a little too much medication, forgotten I'd dosed myself and pushed it again...and done that a couple of times. The automatic cut off should have stopped the thing from dosing me too much, but something had gone wrong, and thank goodness the heart and oxygen monitors on me were working, because that alerted the nurses and they saved my life.
"But I knew. She had done it again...that damn piece of me that is so weak...I knew I was pressing that button! It was no accident! I was blinded by the pain and I just...I just wanted it to end so damn badly..."
Nakano breaks down in hysterics, and I can't take anymore. I lunge forward, wrapping myself around her and cradling her to my chest as she sobs and sobs and sobs. I need her close. I need to feel and touch her and know that she is real and alive and right here with me. I stroke her hair and whisper comforting words and kiss the top of her head from time to time and just let her cry it all out.
We sit like that for a long time...the wind and the waves and the sound of Nakano's crying merging together to create a strange, mournful song. It takes quite a while before my poor girl is simply not able to cry much anymore. But after a long time, her sobs grow quiet, and I use one hand to muddle around in our backpack and get some water out for her. When I go to open the water, taking both my hands from her, she makes a small yelping noise of loss.
"Please don't let me go," she says, voice hoarse and full of agony.
"Never," I reply, "but you need a little water, love. Let me get it open for you."
I manage to get the bottle open and make her sip from it, even as she stares at me incredulously. She's so lost. She looks like someone has just turned her world upside down.
"Love?" she croaks out between sips, "You...you still...even knowing what I...How? How can someone like you still love someone like me? I...I did the most selfish, most awful thing I can think of...not once, but twice! But you...you called me...oh gods, Kei, can you really still accept me, knowing what lives inside of me? Knowing that, having tried twice, that miserable, stupid, awful, evil piece of me m-m-m-might...might one d-d-day try again??"
Once again, I am positively struck dumb by what comes out of this girl's mouth. Is that really what she thinks? What...what the hell is going on in her head?? What kind of monster does she think she is?? What kind of monster does she think I am???
And suddenly, it hits me. Like a splash of cold water to the face. We really are quite a pair. She doesn't think I'm a monster...she knows she is. And therefore, cannot believe that she is in any way worthy of my love. The most deeply buried part of this is her own belief that she somehow deserved what happened to her. She and I are so remarkably alike. What makes her so sure that she is so damn unworthy? She helped me find the roots of my own fear, of my own feelings of inadequacy. And someday, maybe even someday soon, we're going to work on finding the root of hers. But not today. Not now. No, right now, what she needs...what I need to do more than anything else I can think of is to show this incredible girl just how deeply she is loved. Just how wrong she is to think that she's unworthy of love. Just how deeply grateful I am that she survived what happened to her and made it to this point to be here with me, now, in this place. She needs to know how much joy she has brought to my life, just by being a part of it.
I can feel the laughter beginning to build inside of me. A bubbling up of emotion because it has finally dawned on me just how close a thing this was. There were so many points along the way where I might have lost her...we might never have gotten to the place we are now. So many times that she might have been taken from this world and never found her way into Class 1-4 at Karasuno High School. But she did. She survived and she made it and now she's here in my world and I refuse to believe that it was mere coincidence. All of the things that happened along the way - the good things and the bad things - happened because that's how it needed to be to get the two of us to the place where we would come together and find each other and make each other whole.
I'm generally not one to believe in fate, or kismet, or what have you. But all can I think, right here, in this place, is that she lived through it all because she had to in order to be here with me. I have to believe that. It's insane and sappy and not at all something I'd ever thought I'd ever say, or feel, but it's my truth and I believe it with every fiber of my being.
I was meant to be here with her. We need each other. We make each other better, and stronger, and what I need her to know more than anything right now is that she will never, ever have to worry about being alone again. That the tiny part of her that wants to give up won't ever have the chance to do much more than make her feel pouty...because long before she reaches any sort of level of despair I will have already helped her find her way through whatever it is.
And dammit, if nothing else, before we finally leave this rock today, she's gonna know it. Starting right now. I'm going to make her understand that. I promise that I...
Yes! I know what I want...what I need...to do.
I can't hold it in any longer. I start to laugh out loud, getting to my feet and pulling Nakano up on to hers.
"Kei? What..." She's looking at me so confused. I pull her into a crushing hug, squeezing her so tight and laughing and breathing deeply of her scent and running a hand through her wind-tangled hair and kissing her wherever my lips happen to be touching at the moment.
After a fair few minutes of that, I release her. I've got a plan, and I'm not going to waste another moment. "Roses, come on." I start tugging on her, grabbing up our stuff and heading down the rock as fast as I can.
"Kei...please! What...where are we going??"
I can hear the fear in her voice, but I'm on mission here and I'm not stopping 'til I'm done. "Little shopping district should have it...gotta be a store that will have what I need..." I think I babbled that out loud. I can't help it. I feel a little giddy, honestly. I'm gonna do something crazy and impulsive and I don't care because it's for her and she deserves it.
She's wide-eyed and stumbling along behind me as I hold her hand and fair well drag her off the beach and up on to the main drag in this area. It's not too busy despite it being the last day of break - the blustery weather is likely keeping most people at home. Nakano is occasionally mumbling my name and asking what is happening - whenever she does I just kiss her hand and keep on going. I scan along the street with my gaze, trying to find what I need. There's a pile of little shops and surely one of them has got to have some little...yes! There's a shop just ahead that looks perfect - knick-knacks and anime stuff and silly little gifts you buy for your kid sister kind of stuff. Not the best, but it's what I can do and what I can afford right now. And we're doing this now - I'm not waiting another minute.
I stop in front of the store, peeking in the window. I think I see something that will be perfect. "Roses," I say, turning all my attention to her, "will you please wait right here? I'll be right back, I promise. I need to get something here really quick, okay?" The smile on my face is wide and I know it's got to look crazy out of place on me but I can't help it. She's here and she's alive and I love her and it's going to be alright because I know this is what she needs. And I need it just as much. I need her to know how I feel.
"Kei, I don't understand...is...are you...please, I'm sorry, what is happening?"
I laugh, kissing her hands again. "I promise, you'll understand everything very soon. But right now, I need to buy something at this store so I can explain it all to you, okay? Just wait right here. Promise me you won't leave."
She promises, and I dash into the shop, headed right for the item I spotted from the window. It's cheap and cheesy and I can't believe I'm doing this and that's why I have to do it before I think about it too much and stop myself from doing something so damn crazy.
I'm back out of the shop in a handful of minutes, a little bag tucked in my pocket. "Alright, I got it. Come on, Roses, let's get back to where we belong." I grab her hand again and we are off, rushing our way back to the rock by the sea.
Nakano has given up trying to get me to explain and does her best to keep up with me as I move as quickly as possible. Before long, we're once again standing on top of the rock, the wind getting even more insistent and the sound of the waves increasing as the tide begins to come in. We stand together, our hair and our clothes tugged and tossed about. I take a deep breath, because now it's my turn. I've got to get this out in one shot, or I'll lose my nerve.
"Nakano, you asked how I can love someone like you, knowing that the scared little piece inside of you that sometimes wants to give up is still in there. But I've told you before, I love you, all of you, and I want to know every part and piece that makes you up, even that part of you that you feel is evil. She's not evil, she's you. She's you when you've reached your limit, when you feel so afraid and alone that you don't know where to turn, and you just feel like there's nothing left to do but give up. But even when that happened - you survived. You see, you had to. Because here, my love, is where your destiny lies."
So saying, I gather her into my arms. "You belong here, with me, and everything that has happened has brought us both to this moment." I fish the little bag out of my pocket, taking out the contents. I pull the two rings off the chain they are on, and hold them flat on my hand. "This is my promise, Nakano. I promise you, that you'll never, ever have to face anything alone again. If ever you feel like despair is creeping up on you, that maybe that little part of you is starting to feel like things are too much - let this remind you that all you need to do is come to me and I swear, whatever it is, we'll get through it together."
Her eyes, her beautiful blue eyes, are so wide...she looks almost terrified.
"Kei," she whispers, and her voice is shaky, "are you...are you asking...we're only..."
I throw my head back and laugh. "Promise rings, my love, that's all I mean these to be. A promise to each other that we'll never have to face anything alone again. A reminder that no matter how bad things might get, there's always someone on your side, no matter what. That we face the world, and whatever it cares to throw at us, together."
Tears are once again falling from her eyes, but now her smile is as wide as mine. "They look a bit big..." she says poking at one of them. I take it and slip it on the middle finger of her right hand. Mine goes on my ring finger reasonably well.
"Don't get me wrong," I say with a bit of a smirk, "I do plan to offer you another ring someday...but after hearing all that you went through, I had to show you how deeply grateful I am that you came through it all to be here with me. And make sure you know that you don't ever have to be afraid of being alone again. I will always, always, be on your side. I love you, Roses."
We cuddle, and kiss, and the Sun breaks through the clouds and warms us and suddenly this day that felt so drear and cold is now alive with promise. Nakano is smiling and looking at the ring on her finger and suddenly she's giggling.
"Kei...did you know what these were when you bought them?"
"What do you mean?"
Her giggles become full-blown laughter. "Look!' she says, holding her hand out to me. For the first time I notice there's something written on the ring I've given her...it says 'I'm a sexy pork cutlet bowl.' "These are Yuri on Ice rings!!" she cries out, gasping with merriment.
Sure enough, I look at the ring on my finger and it reads 'I love pork cutlet bowls.' I join her in laughing - so hard that soon we both have tears running down our faces yet again and can barely breathe. "Hey, I had exactly 2566 yen in my wallet. I was just happy to find a set of two rings I could afford! More than anything, I wanted to make sure that before we left this rock today, that you know that you are so loved, Roses. And don't be afraid of that little part inside of you anymore. She's not going to ever have the chance to do anything like that ever again. Because I'm here now. And I promise to always be here for you."
We stay on the rock a while longer, wrapped in each other's arms and kissing from time to time. I can feel the change in Nakano. She's...lighter. She's beginning at last to let go of some of the most painful baggage she's been carrying around all this time. At last, as the tide begins to rise in earnest and the spray of the ocean begins to decorate the rock, we make our way down, and begin heading towards home. We've each got to be at dinner with our own mom tonight, and tomorrow, our second year of high school begins.
As we travel home, we stay close, always cuddling or touching in some way, even if just holding hands. When I look into Nakano's face, she's almost glowing. When I ask her how she's feeling, she replies with one simple word.
"Loved."