TRIGGER WARNING - This chapter is going to go over the sensitive subject of drugs and addiction.
READ WITH CAUTION
THE RIGHT ARM CAMP
DAY 5 BACK IN THE SCORCH
19:46 HOURS
Buck
I was on my knees as I helped Charlie to zip up his brand new coat given to us by the Right arm, and he enjoyed it's warmth. I took a little beanie and placed it over his head and gave him a soft smile before giving his nose a quick boop. He laughed, pushing my hand away as if I was embarrassing him while dropping him off at school.
I had found myself a black long-sleeved shirt and sage green cargo pants which I then topped off with Thomas's jacket that I refused to return, not that he had asked for it back anyway. The shirt didn't really cover up my entire chest, so the bandages were still very visible to the world. Suddenly, I felt a fabric get tossed gently around my neck and I stepped back in shock. I looked down to Charlie as he adjusted the scarf so that it looked nice and kept my bandages hidden.
"There. Nothing to see here!" He said cheerfully and I smiled.
"Nothing at all." I said, pushing him forward. "You hungry?"
"Hell yeah I am!" Charlie announced as me and him walked out of the tent decked out in our new gear.
I hadn't been able to see Brenda yet, but from the update Jorge gave me, she was doing good after getting the bliss. I haven't seen Thomas either since Mary dragged him away with her, but if Brenda got the Bliss, I assumed he would be roaming around the camp somewhere. My best guess was that he was grabbing a new set of fresh clothes like the rest of us had.
There was order here, people knew what to do and how to do it. The last time I was here, people were lost, frightened, and ready to take revenge without thinking of a plan. Now they were living the life out here in the mountains, laughing and having a good time in each others company. Then tomorrow it was off to The Safe Haven. Everyone who was here deserved to be here.
Maybe even me.
"Alrighty, let's see what we've got." I said, walking Charlie over to the big open table of food.
There was an assortment of different things like fruits, vegetables, and meat. All of it was stuff that we haven't had in days. Not since the Glade. It was a relief to be able to have something real. I grabbed a plate for me and then handed one over to Charlie who snatched it with excitement.
"Hey guys!" I heard Joey say and I gave him a wave as I watched him, Newt, Fry, and Minho walk off with their full plates. "We're headed up the mountain to eat if you guys want to join."
I nodded in response and he smiled, turning back the way he was walking while leaving a kiss on Newt's head. Of course, Minho gagged when he saw it which lead to Joey throwing him into the side of a truck. There wasn't a time when those two weren't trying to strangle one another.
At first, I wondered why the hell he would want me around him after that talk we had earlier, and it took me a long time to really be able to figure it out. He wasn't saying that being around me made him uncomfortable, he just wasn't ready to be my brother. He wasn't ready to be anyone's brother. He barely understood the Scorch, much less his old life. Right now he still thought he was Desmond, and he wasn't ready to be anyone else.
I was just glad to see him happy. Even though it hurt, I knew it wasn't about me, it was about him. There was a time where things between us were good, and I knew I would be able to get that again. I just had to be patient.
"So, Charlie, would you like the chicken or the... chicken?" I asked, looking at the same kind of meat in two different containers. "I know, tough choice."
I looked over to the little boy after he was silent for a while and I noticed him staring off into the distance. When I shifted my eyes in the same direction he was staring, I saw that he was laser focused on looking at the group, but more specifically, he was looking at Joey. Confusion filled my brain as I watched his face sadden and guilt fill his little rich brown eyes.
"Charlie?" I questioned, shaking the boy from his own thoughts, and almost immediately he threw a fake smile on his face.
"Yeah?" He asked, trying to hide any emotion from me, but I knew him too well.
"What's wrong?" I asked him but he shook his head, taking a pair of tongs and placing some sketchy looking canned green beans on his plate.
"Nothing." He told me, now bringing his attention to the meat. "Chicken looks good."
The boy tried reaching for it with the tongs but I grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at me once again. Now he was pale, his eyes a little wider as if he were scared of something, but it wasn't me, right? Even when I almost killed him on my first day in the Glade, he was never really scared of me. But that was when he hadn't done anything to anger me.
"What did you do?" I asked immediately but Charlie shook his head, placing his plate down to walk away without it. "Charlie?" I then said with more authority.
"I didn't do anything Buck." He argued, walking through the crowds as if that would lose me.
"Then why are you walking away?"
"Because your accusing me!" He shouted back, beginning to start a scene.
"I wouldn't be accusing you of anything if you told me what was wrong." I argued but I noticed Charlie clenching his fists tightly. "And don't you dare raise your voice at me."
"Then leave me alone!" He shouted back and my confusion started to turn to anger.
"Charlie! Goddamn it, what's the matter with you?"
"IT ISN'T MY FAULT!" Charlie turned around and screamed in my face, making me back down immediately in shock while everyone around us stopped to stare. "I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO!"
Charlie was crying now, taking his hands and covering his face as if he thought it would make him disappear. My mouth hung open for a second as I let what he said sink in, but I had no fucking idea what the hell he was going on about. I knew it had to have something to do with the group, but it was something that had been eating away at Charlie for days based on the way he was reacting now. Then, I noticed everyone staring.
"What are you staring at fuckers? Move along you nosy fucking vultures" I shouted at them and immediately they started to scurry.
The perks of being the most dangerous woman in the Scorch
I walked over to Charlie, resting my hands gently on his shoulders only to have him dig himself into my chest. I held on to him tightly and lead the both of us to a more private area behind a couple bushes. No one was listening to us now and I lowered down to my knees, staring at Charlie as he continued to hide his face. I lifted my hands up and placed them over his, trying to pull them away but he wouldn't budge, and I didn't want to force it.
"Charlie?" I asked but he was still hiding himself and his sobs behind his hands. "I need you to look at me little soldier. Remember? You're my brave little soldier, and brave little soldiers don't hide in their hands, right?"
It took him a second, but eventually, he let his hands slowly fall down to his sides to reveal his face. Tears stained his cheeks, his eyes were red and irritated, and his nose was a little rosy red as he sniffled. There was guilt and pressure weighing down on his shoulders that had been feeding off of his energy.
Poor boy.
"Alright Little Soldier." I said grabbing his face and then his shoulders to show that I was there for him without saying it. "What's wrong?"
"It wasn't my fault." He almost whispered through his little sniffles.
"What wasn't your fault?"
"I was afraid of him hating me if I told you." Charlie whimpered. "I didn't want him to hate me, but I'm scared."
"Who would hate you Charlie?" I asked him but he lowered his head. "Tell me baby boy."
"I can't." He said but I shook my head.
"Why are you afraid?" I pressed but he continued to shake his head over and over again. "Who would hate you?"
"He got mad at me." Charlie said silently. "He never gets mad at me."
"Charlie..." I said, now taking his hands and holding them tightly. "You have to tell me what's going on. Let me help you."
"You have to promise me..." Charlie started and I shifted a little so that I was more stabilized. "...You have to promise not to get mad."
"I won't."
"No scary lady mode?"
"No scary lady mode." I repeated for his comfort.
Charlie took a deep quivering breath, staring in my eyes with guilt that I could feel myself. He looked like he was going to cry. This was bad, I could feel it. I then watched as slowly, Charlie took his hand and reached into his pocket, pulling out a bottle of what looked like pills.
"What are you doing with those?" I asked him quickly in a panic. "Where did you get them?"
"I gave him a hug and took them out of his pocket back at Jorge's place, right after the lightning thing. He had two bottles, I stole one from him." He told me, trying to compose himself. "I stole them! He trusted me and I stole them and now he'll hate me!"
"Who will hate you?" I was getting more frantic by the second. "Who did you take this from?"
Silence.
"CHARLIE!" I yelled at him in more panic than anger, but I don't think he was able to tell the difference.
"Desmond used to be an addict... but he stopped... at least I thought he did."
The moment the words left Charlie's mouth, my entire world just shattered. I felt my throat tighten and the blood draw from my face. I could feel my hands begin to shake as I held on to Charlie's hands while he cried hard, trying his best to keep his voice down.
"We were at the mall and I just saw him take them for no reason." Charlie sobbed to me while I looked right through him, nothing processing through my head properly. "I didn't want him to hate me, but I remember what he was like when he was high. He... he used to... he used to get these mood swings and these nightmares. I used to be afraid to be around him because one minuet he'd be happy and then the next he'd be super mad. And then he overdosed..."
That's when I stood up straight, dropping Charlie's hands which made him look up to me in fear.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you!" Charlie told me desperately as he threw the bottle out into the bushes, but if I'm being totally honest, I wasn't hearing a word he was saying. I was so in my own space that I'm not even sure if this was how the conversation went. "Please don't be mad at me Buck! I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry!"
"Go get something to eat." I told him with this darkness in my tone that he immediately picked up on, and fear crept on to his face.
"I'm so fucking sorry Buck! Please don't be mad at me!" He sobbed, but that was when he really looked into my cold dark eyes, fully understanding what was happening.
"No..." He said as he watched me turn around. "No no no no NO! BUCK!"
"Get some food Charlie." I told him again, but now he was running so that he was in front of me, trying to block my path, but I pushed him to the ground accidentally.
"BUCK!" He screamed after me as he got back to his feet, dirt now all over his new clothes.
"Go eat." I said again like a broken record, but that made Charlie even more mad, scared, and flustered.
I knew Charlie like the back of my hand. We spent every single day together for an entire year when we were in the Glade. He looked up to me and I watched over him like a hawk. He was always at my hip, and sometimes he didn't need to translate what I wanted to say to the Gladers because he already knew. I knew what he hated and what he loved. What scared him and what made him laugh. I knew him so well...
That I forgot he knew me too.
"You promised Buck!" He yelled at me but I kept walking, pushing him to the side. "YOU FUCKING PROMISED ME!"
Here's the problem with that promise.
He made that with Frankie Buck.
But that switch flipped.
Now it was the Scorch Reaper.
***
He looked so normal. He looked like Joey to me, but all of that can be masked behind a smile. Newt didn't know. Minho didn't know. Thomas didn't know. Fry didn't know. But worst of all, I didn't know. I couldn't see it. Even if I did, which I didn't, I wouldn't want to believe it. Who would want to anyway?
He was eating, smiling, and laughing with the group, Thomas still nowhere in sight but neither was Teresa. But that was the least of my problems. Charlie didn't chase after me, but I don't think he ate either. He was terrified about what was going to unfold so he couldn't watch, but he was too scared to eat.
But again
That was the least of my problems.
I marched up that hill with dirt and rocks cracking underneath my feet and the wind blowing through my hair. I felt like a dead woman walking, numb all over and shaking from the intensity of my fear and rage. The rage wasn't towards Joey, however, but towards my mother. They say addiction is a dangerous game that can be passed down to your children. I don't think my mom would have changed regardless, but this was all her fault.
The boys noticed me immediately considering I wasn't trying to hide from them. Fry waved first and then Minho gave me a wink and blew me what he thought looked like a sexy kiss. Newt just rolled his eyes and told the boy to leave me alone. Joey was smiling as well, but then he noticed that I couldn't keep my eyes off of him.
"Hey Buck!" Newt said, smacking Minho in the mouth before he was able to say something stupid.
"Where's Charlie?" Fry then asked but I ignored all of them until I was standing in front of Joey.
"I need you." I said and the boy was taken aback, slowly rising to his feet.
"What's going on?" He asked in confusion while the others just stared at us.
"Mary has some questions to ask you." I lied, but it didn't make them more confused, but it also didn't clear anything up. "Now."
Suddenly, I gripped Joey tightly around the wrists and he laughed uncomfortably as I dragged him behind me. He looked back to the others one more time but that made him slow down so I dragged him more aggressively. Joey tried to keep pace with me so that I would let go, but with every step I took, I could feel my grip tightening around him.
"Buck, what's going on?" Joey asked innocently as we continued. "Jesus Christ, Buck, you're hurting me."
Even as he tried to pry my fingers off of his arm, I wouldn't let go. I was fuming with this uncontrollable rage to the point where I wasn't even thinking. I walked all the way to the back of the campsite, so far that the chatter of people were almost unrecognizable. That's when I took my brother and spun him around so that he was in front of me.
"Buck!" Joey shouted at me as I threw him into the dirt with all my force.
When he tried to get up, I squatted down and used my hand to keep him at the floor which he didn't like. I kept him down despite his angry attempts to get me off of him. There was this desperation on his face that made me want to kill my mother fifty fucking times for making my poor innocent brother like this. The desperate look of a junkie scared of losing his fix.
It made me sick
I rummaged through each of his pockets while he attempted to kick out of my grasp, but I planted my foot on his stomach and kept him down. He screamed and shouted at me like a fucking animal as I reached my hand into his right jacket pocket. You would have thought I just strapped a fucking bomb to his chest that was going to go off the moment my hand reached into that pocket.
I could feel the container brush against my fingers and I thought I was going to throw up. With my heart pounding and my hands shaking, I grabbed the drug container and threw it out with my hand. When Joey realized that I had released some of the pressure against his chest, he threw me off of him.
"Fuck." I whispered harshly under my breath, feeling my blood boiling. "What the fuck!"
"What is wrong with you Buck?!" Joey screamed at me as he put his hand in his pocket, realizing that I had taken his drugs. "Give them back, NOW!"
"Fuck this!" I shouted back at him as I unscrewed the cap of the container, Joey watching me in horror.
"BUCK NO!" Joey shouted but when he took a step forward, I took a step back. "I NEED THOSE BUCK! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"
"No." I said sternly, throwing the cap of the bottle down the mountain. "You don't."
I looked Joey right in the eyes as I dumped the contents of the bottle across the rocky terrain, Joey shouting at me to stop. He was basically begging, but I wasn't going to listen to him and he knew that. And the desperation in his eyes killed any sense of guilt as I lifted up my foot and slammed it on the ground, crushing the drugs underneath my boot.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BUCK?!"
"You can't make me feel guilty about this." I said back to him harshly, slamming the bottle against his chest. "Do you even know what the fuck these things do to you?!"
"Fuck off Buck!" Joey screamed at me as the two of us circled each other, stopping when we were standing where each other stood previously. "You don't get to control me!"
"I am protecting you." I reminded him through gritted teeth. "I've always protected you."
"Then you've done a pretty shit job then, haven't you." He shouted in my face and I tried to keep back my emotion.
Even though I wanted to cry.
I was terrified.
"Joey..."
"FUCKING HELL BUCK!" Joey cut me off, taking me off guard. "JOEY IS FUCKING DEAD!"
That stung
Those words cut through my heart like a knife. It as like someone squeezed lemon over my open wounds. It was like someone took my head and bashed it against a wall a hundred times before they split open my stomach and forced me to watch them pull my guts out. It was like I was burning and everyone was there to watch me.
"Your brother is fucking dead." Joey made it clear to me once again, but I just glared at him with clenched fists. "Do you fucking hear me?"
"I fucking hear you." I snarled. "Loud and fucking clear."
"I am not your brother. You are not my sister." Joey told me as he got closer to me. "You are nothing to me anymore."
I was so close to fixing everything.
So close to getting him back.
But history does repeat itself.
"I have had to endure so much fucking pain for you." I told him through my rage and anger and fear. "Every single fucking day I was beaten, attacked, hunted, used, and it was all for you. To protect you and your ungrateful ass!"
"YOU WERE THE ONE WHO FUCKED UP MY LIFE BUCK!" Joey screamed in my face and I clenched my fists so tightly that I could feel my blood dripping from my palms.
"You were the one who couldn't handle the things we needed to do to survive." I reminded him but he shook his head.
"I've seen you, you know." Joey said with a crazed look in his eyes, throwing his hands through his hair. "The way you are with the Cranks and the soldiers. Killing them is fun for you. You enjoy the high it gives you."
"You don't know anything about me."
"Thank god for that!" Joey shouted. "You are crazy and demonic, and fucking erratic! There are times when I think your actually human, but then you completely change. Like your flipping off the switch to your humanity! You don't even realize that you're just as much an addict as I am!"
"That's not fair." I told him, trying not do anything stupid.
"BULLSHIT!" Joey told me and I continued to glare at him. "You can use me as an excuse all you fucking want, but I'm not."
"Not my excuse for what?" I asked, but I knew I wouldn't want the answer so I wasn't sure why I asked.
"I am not your excuse for being a monster."
The word rang trough my head a few times before I let it all sink in. He was right, I was a monster. I had done so many horrible things that deserve me names much worse than monster, but never had I been called that by Joey. Hearing the words come out of his mouth was something I never thought would happen. Even in our big fights before this, he never stooped that low. Now he was just like everyone else.
"You want me out of your fucking life?" I asked him but the boy was still silent in his rage. "Fine. After today, you'll never have to see my monstrous face again."
"Maybe that's for the best." He said and there was such a coldness in his tone that it scared me because he sounded like my mother. "You don't belong in a good world Buck."
It hurts
Hurts
Hurts
Hurts
"No. I don't."
"Goodbye Buck."
And then he was gone
And I was alone
Alone alone alone
Alone again
I screamed at the tops of my lungs, kicking at the rocks beneath my feet and praying that the almighty lord Matthew used to talk so highly of strike me down. I slammed the palm of my hand against my head over and over again, sobbing my heart out. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't do a damn fucking thing. I felt like nothing.
I wasn't even thinking before I walked off to find Thomas, the only person that could hold me close and assure me that everything was going to be okay. I needed him. I needed him to hold me. I needed to see his face.
And then there he was.
Jogging up to me.
Right there.
He was right there.
He smiled.
He was in front me.
He kissed my head.
"I need you." I told him and the boy smiled, quickly kissing my lips.
"Yeah, I just have to go check on Teresa real quick, and then I'm all yours."
And then he was gone again.
It was so fast.
Gone
Gone
Gone.