August 14, 2023 5:57am - 6:25am
I didn't sleep tonight.
That's not to say that I won't, or even that I will, just that I haven't. There's an explanation. Of course, there's an explanation, but if you wanted to hear it then you've got another thing coming. I don't have one. Don't get me wrong, I'd love nothing more than to sit here and explain over coffee why I decided not to lay in bed and close my eyes and do whatever my equivalence to dreaming is, because unless it's that same reoccurring nightmare; I don't dream.
Except I don't like coffee. I find it bitter. It has no taste. Unless you like the taste of the ground your bullies shoved you into while you were growing up, for laughs and kicks.
I didn't sleep today. Or I guess I didn't sleep last night, since we've already hit 6a.m. and I'm practically wide awake, spilling my thoughts over and over. I do it in slurs, like my words have been endlessly stretched out, compressed. Piled on top of each other, eating themselves from the insides out, then sprawled over the page in jumbled half-comprehensive sentences. Hell, even I have a hard time understanding myself.
But that's normal. Or at least I think it's normal. You tell me. Grab a clipboard and a pencil and I'll take you through my biggest insecurities: my thoughts, my heart, my body, even. I'll do it all with a smile. Like reverse therapy. I'll tell you what's wrong with me and you decide if you want to stick around, or leave.
I'm getting off topic.
I haven't slept yet. Honestly, I don't know if I plan to. Maybe I'll fall asleep once my family's up so they don't think something wrong. What would be wrong? I'll fall asleep while faking that I have been this entire time so they don't worry. Otherwise I'll have to explain, and there is an explanation, but it's one I either can't find or can't comprehend. Much like this, actually. Much like the endless, layered conversations I'm supposed to be able to keep track of, running wildly in my head, while my brain sits idly by for me to do something. For me to stop it....Look at that.
I didn't sleep last night. I think I just found the reason. The explanation that needed explaining. I don't think I need to reiterate it. I can beat it, though.
Same boring, never-ending cycle I always use.
Drain the battery and then charge it.
Maybe these jumbled thoughts have a use.
....
Or maybe they're just the skeletons doomed to stay inside my closet.